Unbidden Thoughts

              Everything I want to say about you is more than enough to write a novel.

[unbiddenthoughts]

I don't like her. The woman I was when I was with you.

Not the woman you are with now.

I don't know her. I don't want to.

I assume that she is also being fed your attentions, groomed to love you word by word and touch by touch.

-But I will never know.

I can't bring myself to search you out. Not again.

Learning you had replaced me, it made me lose my will to live. And yet here I am.

Learning to forgive myself. Maybe even one day I will learn to forgive you.

I don't see that day coming. Not any time soon.

-But you never know.

[unbiddenthoughts]

You were the most painful thing in my life,

but you don't grow when things are comfortable.

[unbiddenthoughts]

He praised her quirks, her ticks, littlest details of her.

Celebrated them.

He loved them all.

So much so that when he no longer loved her.

She could no longer love them.

They made her ache.

The very same way that the thought of him made her ache.

Each scrunch of the nose, each squeak of approval.

Each unintentional snort or flip of the hair,

made her want to double over in pain.

She could no longer love the things that he had loved.

She no longer loved herself.

[unbiddenthoughts]

Heavy Stinging Eyelids.

Tears pooled in the corners of her eyes, threatening to spill over and run down her hollowing cheeks. Her stomach rumbled with what she wished were the sounds of starvation, but rather the caloric binge of grease dripping that she’d just consumed. Each noise her body made from the shifting mass inside her sent forth waves of discomfort and regret. The small coated pills she’d taken at the end of her ‘meal’ as if they were a daily vitamin were the only thing suppressing the gag reflex that usually overtook about this time.

She curled to her side letting the tears fall, and shifting the contents of her stomach further. Once again she had done this to herself. A full day of nothing but water, tea, coffee, and diet soda and what does she do the moment she arrives home? Completely undo everything she worked for the whole day through. Of course this was nothing new. This, actually, was what she did almost every night. The cycle determined by a delicate balance of success and regret ruled her every waking hour.

The dim light of her pink toned salt lamp did little to chase away the darkness that was rapidly closing in. She hated what she was doing to herself, the hated the way it made her feel both physically and mentally. She wanted to take away the pain but knew that she deserved it. She’d done this to herself, now she would face the consequences.

She desperately wanted to be in control and yet every day proved how little control she had over her own life. Each binge, each bite, each calorie seemed to be taken by another leaving her to clean up the mess and wallow in the consequences. She hated herself and what she’d allowed herself to become. She wasn’t in control, not even on her best and most restrictive day.

Her life had become a constant wave of highs and lows, that she couldn’t control or anticipate. She would make it through this. She would reach her goal. She had to. There was no other way out. Or she would die trying...

[unbiddenthoughts]

Leaving Love Behind

[unbiddenthoughts]

Fear, Hope & I Still Love You.

[noxdolcis-blog]

Fic starters

Fluff/ Angst/ Smut. Send in one, or combine them (for instance: 1+a+ 🏶 ) and a fandom!

Fluff:

1. “This feels like home”

2. “I hope you’ll stay the night”

3. “You’re here!”

4. “You look so beautiful tonight”

5. “You got this for me?”

6. “I can’t stop thinking about you”

7. “I wanteed to surprise you”

8. “There’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for a while”

9. “I never want to leave here”

10. “I can see a future with you”

11. “You look even more beautiful than I remember”

12. “I feel like you really see me”

13. “I’m so happy I found you”

14. “I’ve never told/ shown this to anyone else”

15. “You make me feel safe”

Angst:

a. “You weren’t there”

b. “I can’t watch you die

c. “Are you crying?”

d. “This can’t be happening!”

e. “It wasn’t meant to be this way”

f. “We’ll regret this”

g. “You’re not who I thought you were”

h. “This might be my last chance to say it”

i. “We knew it would be dangerous

j. “Please don’t leave me”

k. “I never thought I’d see you in chains before me”

l. “I will rescue you!”

m. “I will never forget you”

n. “We don’t have much time left”

Smut:

❖ “Just for tonight”

⬥ “We can’t! We’re in public!”

⌘ “Use your teeth”

🏶 “Put this on”

🙠 “I can’t be there right now, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun”

◎ “I think ropes would look lovely on you”

★ “Touch yourself”

✹ “Let me see you”

✵ “People will hear”

⌖ “Who says I’m wearing any?”

✪ “I want to undress you”

🙪 “I didn’t think you’d be so responsive”

⮛ “What is that for?”

🡩 “I want to be with you”

🗶 “I’m willing to try anything once”

✔ “Oh, I didn’t see you there!”

[a-coulter-winchester]

I’ll write for Divergent and Supernatural.

[haikyuufuckboiz]

Choosing an unpopular character as your favorite like

[spacemuffinmaya]

That GIF is fukin gold

[wickednerdery]

This is perfect….

[utopianparadise]

He was slowly creeping his way into your psyche and you had no idea.

Another favorite line.

[utopianparadise]

Favorite lines thus far...

“Fuck off Eric.” You snapped.

“I think you know what I’d rather fuck.”

@sparklemichele, @dauntlessmetalmom

[unbiddenthoughts]

Prompt #1- “Don’t you dare say another word.”

“Don’t you dare say another word.” He growled through clenched teach as you shrank back from his towering frame. Fear chilled your bones and tears sprung to your eyes. Your heart fell to your feet as his hands clenched at his sides and for a moment you were truly terrified that he would strike you. Instead he let out an audible growl and exhaled deflating his presence.

After two years of being together you’d never seen him this way. He’d been frustrated but he’d never snapped like this before. The fear of confrontation within you wished you hadn’t asked the question you had in the first place. Your inner strength knew that you had the right to know and his reaction proved you correct.

Your boyfriend, Jai Courtney, had cheated on you. You confronted him, called him a few colorful names then landed where you were now. No other words really came to mind at the moment. Your world had just come crashing down and he reacted with fury. As much as you were scared to lose him because you honestly loved him you never wanted to feel this way again.

“Please babe.’ He began to plead. “It was one drunken mistake.” He grabbed your hands in his. “It will never happen again. I swear.” His promises no longer meant anything to you. Yanking your hands free from his grip you took a step way in order to give yourself space and clarity. “No.” You stated in a whisper then repeated more forcefully.

In an instant his demeanor switched completely. “No?!” He questioned in a mocking tone. “Do you know how many women would be lucky to have me?” “I’m a fucking Greek God.” His confidence had always been something you’d loved about him now you were nothing more than disgusted with this egocentric mindset.

“I’m am so fucking glad I wasted the last two years of my life on an Ego centric Australian asshole with a god complex.” You spat before spinning on your heel so very glad the two of you didn’t live together.  “Oh sarcasm. That’s so cute. Maybe if you’d actually shared how you really feel every once in a while we wouldn’t be in this situation. Your hand froze on the doorknob. You knew exactly what he was trying to do. He was trying to pin his actions on you. To make an excuse as to why he’d cheated and now he was playing on your trust issues and insecurities. This man who was supposed to never hurt you was pulling out all the stops to completely ruin you.

“You know Jai.” You turned back to him and looked him square in the eyes. “I may have difficulty trusting people and yeah, it takes me a while to be open about how I’m feeling but at least I can say with confidence that I’ve never cheated on anyone.” And with that you slammed the door on your relationship.

[hotfornick-blog]

You Never Know

Request by oftryingtimes 

Written By: Marianna

“Hurry up!” Your best friend, Joe, shouted out the window of his car. You knew that you were late but it really wasn’t your fault. From the moment you’d woken up that day you’d been running late. You couldn’t really explain it but there was something strange hanging in the air. It was an anticipation of something you’d never experienced before. “I’m coming.” You responded exaggeratedly locking your front door as you tried to rush yourself along. You and Joe were an interesting couple of sorts. For the past couple years you’d been living in LA while attending art school and he was one third of the Jonas Brothers doing what he does best. One day he’d accidentally knocked you down while escaping a crazed fan and after apologizing profusely he insisted on making it up to you. Although the date hadn’t gone the way he’d intended it a friendship had been born. It was beyond intriguing for you to get to know a superstar on such a personal level and it was definitely an opportunity that you’d never though you’d ever experience.

          And here you were more than a year later closer than ever. Actually today was an interesting milestone in your friendship. Today you were finally getting to formally meet Joe’s family, well at least two his brothers. Lately Nick has been wrapped up in New York and Kevin has been in Jersey with Danielle and focused on his new family. It’s not like you haven’t seen them before but that was usually in passing with a wave or as little as a look. Joe never sat still for long and you were the same way. There was always something else to be doing and that was one of the reasons you two got along so well. So here you were sitting in the passenger’s side of your best friends car as you two drove to a semiformal date with two of his siblings and his sister-in-law. He didn’t have to ask to know that you were a little nervous. First impressions had always been something that made your heart beat a little faster than usual and that was something that your father instilled into you at a young age.

          From his side of the car Joe laughed. “Just breathe. It’s not like we’re dating. They don’t have to love you.” Your jaw dropped and you hit him hard in the right shoulder. “Owww.” He exclaimed shocked at your strength. “That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to make a good impression.” You told him. “Plus, you never know who you’re going to meet when you’re out.” Joe only smirked in response. You were hopelessly and desperately single and a complete hopeless romantic. It had been a frequent topic between you and Joe. He had long ago given up hope with setting you up with his friends. It wasn’t like you didn’t want love. You wanted it more than he would ever be able to understand but at the same time you were waiting for that WOW factor. It’s not like you were completely irrational expecting to find the one and know it instantly but was it honestly so much to ask for an instant physical attraction and be able to carry on an actual intellectual conversation? Sometimes it really seemed to be.  

          A few minutes later Joe parked the car and met you around your side. Together you walked into the decently sized eclectic looking restaurant. At the hostess stand Joe engaged the young woman in conversation and you stretched your neck to look around the place. The ambiance reminded you of seaworld with blue, green and purple lighting with random fishtanks built into the walls. It was relaxing though, that is assuming that you don’t have a fear of drowning; which you don’t. Matter of fact you loved the water and had practically been swimming since birth. You followed Joe and the hostess through the place to the back corner of the restaurant where Joes’ family was patiently waiting for you. Seeing that they were already there waiting made nervousness rise up within you it was a habit you couldn’t seem to break. “Hey.” Joe greeted the table before Kevin, the closest to the two of you stood and hugged him. You gave a small wave to Danielle who was sitting across from her husband and introduced yourself. When Joe finished his round he sighed in an overly dramatic tone. “Okay so finally: Everyone this is my bestie.” He twisted his voice to sound like a preteen girl. You almost cringed. You cut him off from expanding on his impromptu character by telling the three of them your name and letting them know just how happy you were to be finally meeting them. In the following silence you elbowed Joe who then pointed around the table formally introducing you to his family. Kevin, who greeted you with a wave and a casual greeting then his wife Danielle who seemed as nervous as you were, then lastly Nicholas, who he referred to as Nicky Poo. You blushed but Nick just starred blankly in your direction.

          For a moment everyone was silent, all eyes were on you then all eyes were on Nick. It was then that Joe lent in close to your ear. “Looks like someone likes you.” Your eyes snap to Nicks as Kevin snaps him out of his trance. Nick Jonas being interested in you. You almost scoff at Joes teasing. The curly haired Jo Bro shakes his head to focus then blushes. “Oh, hey.” He greets looking down embarrassed by his own actions. Joe and Kevin laugh. “Jeeze man.” Joe said taking his seat on the head of the table, giving you the free seat across from Nick. Despite the frozen moment Nick quickly reanimates and the table falls into easy conversation. Your orders are taken and more conversation that consists of a lot of teasing and story telling continues. The Jonas’ lives were far more exciting than yours but somehow you still found yourself telling your life story and the reason for your choice of school hundreds of miles from home but stranger by far was the fact that you were sharing these things in slightly hushed tones to only one person. With each of your responses Nick always wanted to know more. He seemed so genuinely curious almost fascinated with everything you told him. Then soon enough you found yourself becoming entrance in the deep sound of his voice and slowly forgetting there were three other people at the table with you. He’d always been attractive to you but this was more than ‘he’s a jonas brother’ or ‘Joe’s brother’. You were getting to know him. The real Nick Jonas; not the superficial E-News version of him.

                                                                   The meal lingered past the expected time though neither of you really noticed until Kevin and Dani stood up getting ready to leave. Joe looks over at your surprised expression and smirks. Danielle and Kevin say goodbye to everyone giving you a quick hug and you tell them how nice it was to meet them. As they leave you find yourself wondering how time had gone by so fast. “I have an idea.” Joe said as the three of you started for the front door. “Let’s go get ice cream.” He looked at you then at Nick. “There’s a good shop within walking distance.” Nick offers knowing they have sugar free options there. “I’m up for it.” You tell the two of them with a shrug. Not wanting to seem too eager to keep spending time with them both but Nick in particular. “Great!” Joe exclaims a little too enthusiastically. “Lets go! Oh, wait.” He says looking down at his watch. “I forgot there’s somewhere I have to be.” Your brow furrows in confusion knowing that he has absolutely nothing planned for the day besides this lunch. “You two go and have fun without me.” He gives you a little push both physically and metaphorically towards Nicholas. That’s when it clicks. He gives a quick wave in your direction then throws a wink. Though you’re not sure wither it’s for Nick or yourself you blush then turn to Nick. “You still want to go?” He asks being the complete gentleman that he is. “I’ll get you home after.”

                   Though you aren’t completely sure why you find yourself hesitating. You practically had Joe’s blessing, this was Nicholas Jonas. What could possibly be your reason for hesitation? Not knowing you shoved the feeling aside. “Absolutely.” You told him smiling brightly then he begins to lead you down the LA street. As the two of you begin walking the conversation easily picks up again and you find yourself feeling the beginning butterflies of a new crush swirling around in the pit of your stomach. Did you expect this to happen? Definitely not but then again: You never know who you’re going to meet when you go out.

[hotfornick-blog]

As A Friend

I got recruited to help with this a while back. It’s a Nemi drabble.

Written By: Marianna

          He’d promised her. He’d promised that he’d be there but there she was, sitting in the rain, waiting. Waiting for him to come. Waiting for him to find her. The streets were quiet except for the constant drizzle and the occasional car driving past. Every time she saw a silhouette she wished it was his but deep down in her heart she knew better. Occasionally someone would walk past her. Most looked away and hurried their pace. Some threw bits of spare change in her direction thinking that she lived on the streets. She must’ve looked as horrible and broken as she felt. The street lamps flickered and the rain got heavier. She liked the rain for the simple fact that it hid her tears. The salty drops traveling down her cheeks were accompanied by an occasional sniffle but they were beginning to stop. She’d cried all the tears God had given her but she was still hurt, still broken, still wishing he’d come. Footsteps of another passerby came closer. She simply blocked out the sound not wanting their change or sympathy.

          “Demi?” A voice came from behind her. His voice. She lifted her head from it’s defeated position and turned around and finding his big brown eyes full of concern for her. Conflict struck her like a knife wound. He cared for her; she wanted to smile. She turned from him not letting it show. As she turned back around to face the road sitting on the curb he spoke. “What’s wrong? Why did you run away?” Her eyes stayed trained on the ground in front of her as she ignored him. Signing loudly in confusion as he always did he sat beside her on the edge of the pavement. She turned to face him tears already reappearing. “You promised and I needed you. And you promised you’d be there.” She choked out not making complete sense as the tears started coming once again. “Demi slow down. What happened?” The sincere confusion in his voice nearly broke her. She paused took a deep breath then started again. “I went to your place, because I needed you but-” She stopped reliving their passionate embrace, cringing at the memory. “but you were with her. I didn’t want to hear your excuses so I ran.” Covering her face with her hands Demi turned her back on him though she knew it would do little good.

          “What excuses?” He asked her hunched figure. “I don’t understand what you mean?” Demi snapped up broken but angry. “Why Nick? Why were you with her?” She jumped to her feet looking down at him; feeling angry and justified and slightly powerful. “Who? Cassie? Because I like her that’s why! What’s wrong with you?” His eyebrows furrowed. Clearly he had no idea what he had done. “Why are you acting like this? We only kissed! It’s not like I got her pregnant.” She froze in place. “What about me?” She all but whispered. “What about yesterday?” She asked referring to the day they’d spent cuddling and watching movies on the couch. “I thought……” She broke off as the realization hit her. “You thought what?” He asked in a defensive tone. “That you liked me.” She replied simply. “I do.” He stated in the same tone. “Were friends, we mess around sometimes. It’s fun.” His words cut her thoroughly. She couldn’t stand to look at him. “Why are you acting like this?” He inquired. “Because,” She paused feeling the truth heavy on her tongue. “Because I love you.” She forced out still unable to look at his reaction. He was flabbergasted and wasn’t completely sure he’d heard her correctly. They were friends, sure they flirted and messed around a bit but that’s all.

          “Demi.” He reached our for her tilting her head up so that their eyes met. “I love you as a friend.” He said in the softest tone he could. “Nothing more.” He sighed giving her a moment to comprehend what he’d said. “I don’t want to loose you as a friend because you’re the best one I’ve got but I just don’t think of you that way.” He finished hoping that he’d been clear enough. She was silent for a minute, then it ran into two. “Are you alright?” She nodded, her eyes seem glazed. “So were cool?” He asked cocking her his signature crooked smile as if hoping his charm would erase the pain in her chest. She only nodded.

[hotfornick-blog]

Love Isn't Blind

  Written By: Marianna

          “Love is not blind- it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, It is willing to see less.”  -Rabbi Julius Gordon

                             Are we still on for later tonight?

          She won’t be home later, can you come over?

                        I can’t stop thinking of you…

            The words on the computer screen taunted Miranda. Her world seemed to fade away into nothingness as she stepped away from her Husband’s work computer. Each word cut her and confirmed the truth that she had been denying these past few weeks. He had been cheating on her with a co-worker of his. Now that she was certain she didn’t know what to do. Miranda had let her imagination fly before but now, now was different. Now, she knew without a reasonable doubt that he had been unfaithful. Now it was real.

          Miranda knew what she should do. She should confront him. She should pack up their daughter and be gone before he got off work. She knew that she should walk away without turning back and forget all about them and what they’d had just like he did but she couldn’t. He had been such a big part of her life for so long she knew that it would be impossible to replace him and devastating to live without him.

          She has always been a soft spoken person. Opting to silently deal with her own issues instead of confiding in others. At one time he had found that intriguing. Now, well now she didn’t know what to think. They hadn’t been married long. Only enough years to count on one hand and yet somewhere during those years he had slipped away. She didn’t know why. She though she’d done everything right.

          At the moment she wanted to breakdown. To fall to the floor of his office in tears and let her world crumble about her but she couldn’t. There were things that needed to be done. Their two year old daughter, Emily, would be waking up from her nap soon, laundry needed to be done, dinner needed to be made, and things needed to be cleaned, especially their bedroom. It was as if nothing had changed.

          He made it home by quarter past six just like he always did when he wasn’t ‘working late’. She had the meal ready, she had everything cleaned. Miranda had worked herself to exhaustion just to keep her mind from wandering. Walking in the door he kissed her quickly on the cheek while shrugging off his business jacket. From the living room Emily ran to him. He snatched her up calling her ‘Princess’ and spinning her around. Miranda knew that he loved their daughter. She knew that taking his daughter away from him would hurt more than possible. He carried Emily into the dinning room and helped her into her seat. It was then that he realized there were only two places set at the table; that Miranda wouldn’t be eating. While serving their plates he questioned her about it. She made the simple excuse that she wasn’t hungry then escaped to her room; their bedroom.

          She couldn’t bring herself to sit through the family meal with him just like they did every night and pretend like she didn’t know. She didn’t know how he did it. She couldn’t bring herself to lie to him. She’d never been able to even before they were dating. She didn’t want to watch him explain himself or hear him justify his actions. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to handle him diminishing the value of their relationship and highlighting all she’d done wrong. Not wanting him to be able to walk in on her in tears Miranda locked herself in the master bathroom. Tears finally came. Silently streaming down her face as she shook with the force of her sobbing. She felt worse than she’d felt in her entire life. Only one experience had ever come close to what she was feeling at the moment and that was the day four years ago when her brother, Mark, had died. The one thing that kept running through her mind was that: Everything in her life thus far had been pointless, completely useless. Everything between them had meant nothing.

          Before Miranda knew what was happening there was a knock at the door. “Emily wants you to tuck her in.” He informed her through the closed door. Miranda pulled herself to her feet after a moment of collecting herself. She splashed her newly swollen features with cold water and after drying herself she reentered the world. Expecting him to be changing from his suit she was surprised to come face to face with him. Her breath hitched instantly as her stomach sank. Wordlessly she pushed past him. “What’s wrong?” He voiced from behind her. Without answering Miranda continued to their daughters bedroom. Unexpectedly he followed her. She greeted their daughter with a hug and kiss before tucking her in tightly. She lingered a moment longer than usual brushing Emily’s hair from her tired face. She could feel his gaze on her; she didn’t want to face him. Still clinging to the false hope that all was well she turned and pulled the door mostly closed; enough to let the hallway light stream in. Miranda inhaled before lifting her face to her husband. “I’m fine.” She lied in a soft composed tone.

          It took a moment for her to respond. From her stance he could tell that something was wrong. His heart plummeted as he realized what she knew. “You’re lying to me.” He responded tonelessly looking down at her. An unwanted tear escaped her eyes. “I’ve just been realizing things lately, that’s all.” Her tone was quite and sincere as ever. He suddenly hated himself for ever hurting her. Somehow the full effect of his infidelity hadn’t sunk in until now; the moment when he looked into her large hazel tear filled eyes. “I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.” He told her wanting to ease her pain; not understanding that all she wanted now was for him to hold her. Miranda met his gaze one final time. “I love you.” She stated simply. More tears slide down her face. He had no response and that was what shattered her. No apology. No return of affection. Nothing. “That is all I needed to know.” She coked out retreating the small upper hallway.

          Crawling into bed she laid silently as scenario after scenario played in her mind. By midnight Miranda had cried herself dry. With great effort she forced herself to her feet then pulled on sweats, boots and a sweatshirt. Leaving her bedroom she checked on Emily, who was sleeping contently, before starting down the staircase. Failing at her silent escape she continued on her way snatching the keys from their trey as he sat up on the couch looking at her wonderingly. By his expression she knew he hadn’t slept thus far. “If Emily wakes will you get her? I’m going out.” She stated though in question form. “Where are you going?” His question infuriated her. What right did he have questioning her? But Miranda repressed her hanger letting it slowly morph into pain. “To visit Mark.” She stated in a monotone before walking out. He understood, that was one thing she was still certain of.

          As she drove to the graveyard she thought back to before Mark had gone. They had been so close, being twins they were more a like than either had ever admitted aloud. So when he’d passed it completely broke her and her now unfaithful husband who was her new boyfriend at the time was there to comfort her through it all. Parking the car she headed for his grave. Upon reaching it she barely had the strength to complete her prayer before sinking into the ground. “I should’ve known!” She sobbed clinging to herself tightly desperately wishing that he was still alive to hold her and tell her that it was all going to be alright. For hours Miranda prayed and talked knowing it wouldn’t solve anything other than completely exhausting her. “I really don’t know what to do.” She finished. “I wish you were here.” Exhaling slowly she collected herself and headed home.

          When she arrived he was there waiting for her. “What took so long?” He said before she could close the door behind her. “YOU were going for THREE hours!”  Miranda was confused by the tone of his voice as well as his question. Instead of answering she silently headed for the staircase knowing that he was being irrational. As she ascended the staircase he shouted irrational accusations at her and they cut her worse than finding out what she had. At the last thing he said she snapped. Miranda spun on her heel to face him. “You have no right to accuse me of anything! I have been nothing but faithful to you; the way it’s supposed to be! You cheated on me. In my house. You!” She yelled back facing him in the narrow hallway. Her retaliation sobered him up momentarily. “I don’t want you to be with anyone else.” He all but whispered. “Don’t you-” She abruptly cut herself short the moment Emily’s door swung open. Crying the child ran into her mothers arms who gathered her up and comforted her. Miranda made an instantaneous decision right then and turned back to her husband. “Tomorrow I’m going to stay with Anna.” To her surprise he was silent. Walking back into her daughters room she continued to comfort the shaken up child before tucking her back into bed and kissing her again. When she left the room he was still standing in the hallway where she’d left him. Slowly she walked towards the master bedroom and stopped when she reached the door. “Do you still love me?” She asked him resting her hand on the knob. “Yes.” He stated. “ But you’re not in love with me anymore?” She finished already knowing the answer. So when his head fell in shame and the sound waves were silent she headed back into the room without another word.

          Though she said she would the next day Miranda never went to Anna’s. She woke up the next morning as if nothing had ever happened and tried to force herself to believe so. She wanted to believe that she had forgiven him but in her heart she knew that she hadn’t. Miranda wanted him back as hers; the way it used to be with him and to not hurt him by taking their daughter away. She longed for this so vehemently that she was willing to ignore his faults. And so it went on day after day the same mundane routine. They never spoke of it again after that night. That’s just how it was. Her love bonded her to him like it always had. Their daughter was their joy but their life together was broken beyond repair by blind passion, sincere love, and the ability to let it go unspoken.

[hotfornick-blog]

Supposed To --Jai Courtney fic

(I know this isn’t a Nick fic but I just had to write it because it tested me.)

Written By: Marianna

Supposed To

You’re never gonna grow up.

You’re never gonna be a man.

Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump.  Your heart was speeding up. You knew the subject you had in mind were touchy but for the past couple days it seemed to be all that you could think about. Letting out a deep breath you forced yourself into the living room where you found your boyfriend of four years lounging on the couch as he would on any typical Saturday afternoon. “Babe.” You greeted announcing your presence. He grunted. You should’ve known better than to have this conversation in the middle of a Barclays Premier Cup League game. Instead of pushing the envelope you pulled back to the open concept kitchen the two of you have shared since you moved in together nearly two years ago.

The sounds of the soccer match became static in your mind as you began to rehearse what you needed to say. Confrontation had never been something that you enjoyed in fact most times you avoided it at all costs. “That looks good babe.” Your boyfriend stated walking into the kitchen taking note of the ramen salad you’d tossed together in your waiting. Silently you pushed the bowl and its contents his way adding: “I’m not very hungry.” He mumbled a “Thanks” before indulging.

“We need to talk about something.” You started before he had a chance to swallow his first bite. “And what’s that?” He questioned slightly amused, his Australian accent washing over you. “Jai, do you love me?” He cocked his head in confusion. “You know I do.” You swallowed uneasily trying to maintain your nerve. “Do you see a future with me?” At this point you could see the gears beginning to turn behind his screaming blue iris’. “Why are you asking this?” He asked clearly confused. “We’ve had this conversation before.” He was right you’d had this conversation before but not in so many words and in a much more vulnerable state.

“Please, just answer.” You prodded shifting your weight and avoiding eye contact. “You know I do.” Swallowing the growing lump in your throat you continued. “Then why don’t you want to marry me?” The look his eyes held let you know that he’d figured out this was coming. His burly frame rested against the kitchen island as he began to speak. “Marriage isn’t for me.” He paused knowing you needed more explanation. “I mean we’re already living together and we support each other. Why do we need a piece of paper to tell us something we already know?” You sighed wishing this would be easier. “We’ve been together four years, living together for two but I need something more concrete.” You explain. Looking over at him you realize that he’s frazzled and trying to ‘fix’ the problem.

“Is it a ring? Do you want a ring?” You shook your head sadly. “You know that doesn’t matter to me.” Voices raised the argument begins. “But a wedding does?” He retorted. “It’s not like that!” Your voice rose in frustration as well. The soccer game completely forgotten at this point continued in the background. “Why do you have to make me feel like the bad guy for wanting something we’re supposed to do?!”

Standing up straight he towered over your petite frame. “Why are we supposed to do it? Who says we have to get married?!” For a moment his inquiry left you without retort. You had no idea who in the creation of the world had started this tradition only that you had always wanted to be a part of it. “You’re not listening to me!” You respond on the edge of reason. “Do you even understand what I’m saying? Where I’m coming from?” You exhaled deeply then drew the breath back in. “This is something that’s important to me. Why can’t you just get on board with it?!” For the first time since you’d met him four years ago he didn’t have a snappy retort to shoot back at you. “Because it’s not important to me.” He stated solemnly as if his answer was the beginning of the end.

Silence followed like a heavy fog wrapping around you. “Why is it so important to you that we get married?” He questioned humbly. “I can’t live every day wondering if you’ll get bored and leave me.” You respond meekely feeling more vulnerable than you had in a while. “Because I love you.’ Jai stated factually. “That’s all that should matter.”

“It should but it isn’t.” You reasoned. “You know only half of marriages stay together right?” You knew all the statistics and rates. You’d grown up with divorce. You understood. “I don’t care.” You responded feeling childish. “Is it so much to ask that we stand up in front of all our friends and family and promise that we’ll always love each other?” His eyes dropped to the floor and you knew that you weren’t going to like what he had to say. “I just can’t promise that.” His words cut deeply. Before you started reeling he started to backtrack.

“It’s not that I don’t love you or aren’t proud of you. It’s just that I can’t promise forever when the future is so uncertain.” You were speechless. You’d always known Jai was less than ready for a binding commitment but for him to say that he wasn’t even sure that he’d want you in a couple years. That’s what really devastated you. “So you really can’t see an ending with me?” You croak out tears now erupting from your eyes. “Not in marriage.”

               Straightening up you swiped the tears away with the back of your hand. “Okay.” You answered before turning and searching for your keys. “Okay?” He questioned. Jai watched you frantically dig through your purse.  He reached out and rested a hand on your shoulder stopping your actions and turning you back to him. “Okay what?” His tone begged for clarification. “We’re done.” His hand dropped. “Don’t throw this away because of something so trivial.” He pleaded. You stepped away as your hand closed around your keys. “I can’t live in limbo waiting around until you don’t want me anymore.” He seemed deflated in his response. “If that’s how you feel then that’s it. There’s nothing I can do to change your mind.” Exhaling a shaky breath you pulled your keys loose from the tangled mess in your purse. Stray tears escaped as you headed for the door. You hesitated only a moment before pulling the door closed behind you.

               Willing your knees not to buckle beneath you headed to the elevator just a few doors down. When inside you felt your foundation crack. Wrapping your arms around yourself you did your best to hold yourself together. Clouds covered the sky as you stepped onto the roof of your apartment building where you and Jai had been numerous times before. Crumbling into a low bench you felt yourself dissolve into tears. You’d never imagined you could hurt so completely. Everything was gone. Nothing how you envisioned it and all because the man who claimed to love you couldn’t put himself aside and do something to make you happy. All because he didn’t want to choose one woman for the rest of his life. Suddenly this strong and wonderful man you’d fallen in love with seemed to be nothing more than a juvenile boy whom could do nothing other than put himself first.

               You’d wanted to marry this boy. You’d given him your heart, affection and time. It was all for not.

There’s no such thing as Neverland.

[hotfornick-blog]

Sealed With A Kiss

Requested By: 2 Anons.

Written By: Marianna

He’d kicked you out. He’d actually kicked you out. It should have been simple. it shouldn’t have gone the way it did. Things should have been different. The pain shooting up the length of your left arm agreed with you. It shouldn’t have turned out this way.

            “Hey babe.” You speak into the receiving end of your cellphone. “Hey.” He replies. It was nearly ten at night and it had already been a long day. You hadn’t seen your boyfriend, Nick, since the night before. He’d left before you awoke. “How’s the BeatLab?” You question. “It’s going well.” He replied. “Getting close to finishing for the night?” You could hear him sigh. You two were supposed to meet up after work. Get a late night dessert and go home. You’d been looking forward to it all day. “I wish babe.” You pull up into the parking lot behind the studio and shifted your car into park then sigh. “I know. It’s okay.” You were still going to see him. A little surprise just to remind him that you miss him and that you care. “I guess I’ll see you later?” You ask. “Don’t wait up.” He replies. “I won’t.” Ending the call you exit the car and head inside. The hallways twist and turn for a while until you find his studio office ‘The BeatLab’. You still laugh at the name. He thought he was so clever coming up with it. So gangsta. It was hilarious and adorable at the same time.

            The recording light was not illuminated so you let yourself in. He wasn’t alone. Some man you’d never met was with him. The two were standing over the soundboard messing with the toggles and computer screen. “What are you doing here?” He asked skipping the introductions entirely. “I though you were going home?” He stood from his seat and walked to you as if making a wall between you and his partner. “I just wanted to see you.” You reply leaning in to kiss him but he shifted away. “I told you I was busy.” His tone was tense and his words short. He was definitely not happy to see you. “I know.” You continue. “I just wanted to see if I could convince you to change your mind?” He exhaled sharply. “What do you want me to say?” He asked sardonically, his voice raising slightly. “Oh yeah, just let me grab my coat?.” He asked. The tone of his voice made you feel ridiculous and childish as if you were stupid for even thinking this was a good idea. “I’ve been working on this all day. I told you that I’d be home when I finish.”

            You were shocked by his response, tone and action. He never got angry with you and he was angry you could see it in his brown eyes. “I missed you all day.” You tell him. He clenches his jaw looking down at his watch. “Can you just go home? I’ll see you later?” You froze. He was serious. “Umm, yeah…” You reply softly still confused but also hurt and frustrated. As you left and went back out to your car your brow furrowed. The nerve he had. All you’d wanted to do was see him before the night was out. Hopefully spend a little time together. But no! Yeah, you understood that he had work. That he’d wanted to get done but he didn’t have to be a jerk about it. He didn’t have to get angry. Then all at once you were angry with him for him being angry at you. For kicking you out. For acting like a jerk and not being his usual loving witty self.

            Slamming the car door shut you started up the engine and clenched your jaw. You knew that the entire situation was ridiculous and so avoidable. That made you even more angry. Exhaling to calm yourself you head towards home. The drive was uneventful until you had almost made it out of the city. It was the last stretch. You could practically see your place. The gated community was just around the corner. Stopped at a red light you were being the good citizen that you strived to be and that’s when it happened. From the far turning lane you saw him coming and should have been able to do something to stop him. As if in slow motion you watched the man in the red GT underestimate his turning arch and slam his front fender directly into yours successfully slamming you around like a rag doll. The sound of the crash and breaking glass was the last thing you heard before your world went dark.

                                                                                                                                                                                                The next thing you remember is being lying flat on your back being strapped down to a backboard. Your head pounded. Your left arm and shoulder ached in pain. All you wanted was to go back into the darkness you’d just come out of. There were two EMTs hovering above you telling you not to worry and not to move. They wanted you to repeat your name and other information about yourself. As they lifted you into the Ambulance they continued their inquiry. You gave them permission to use your phone. One tried to call Nick but there was no answer. He called back twice with the same result then left a message. The other was checking your vital signs. The ache in the back of your head began to grow stronger and louder the longer you were strapped down and helpless in the back of the moving vehicle. Exhaling and inhaling rhythmically you began to worry. They’d said that you would be alright but what if they were wrong? What if it was worse than it seemed? You’d never get to see Nick again. You’d never get to see your family. It would all be over and there was nothing you could do about it.

                        The ambulance arrived at the hospital in twenty minutes though it seemed like an eternity. It had also started raining. The EMTs covered you to keep you dry and wheeled you from the truck explaining what had happened to the nurses that met you at the door. Unwanted tears came as you were put through the check in process. Upon seeing your tears the nurses assumed it was due to pain and immediately remedied the problem. Your backboard was traded for a gurney and you were given your own room then instructed to put on the dreaded paper gown and extensively checked for injuries. Apparently you’d smacked your head hard against the headrest and that was the reason for blackout. Also the car that had it you popped your left shoulder out of its socket and broken glass had flown doing quite a big of damage to your exposed skin. It was a painful few minutes while they snapped your shoulder back into place then cleaned your cuts. Just to be sure you were then wheeled off to get xrayed.

All you could think during the whole process was that you wanted nothing more than to be home in Nick’s arms. You didn’t want to be mad at him and you didn’t want him to be mad at you either. It was a stupid argument; it shouldn’t have happened. Maybe if it hadn’t you’d be home now and everything would be okay. The xray took longer than you’d though it would and by the end of it you found yourself drifting in and out of sleep.

            “Hey.” A tender voice asked breaking through your drug induced sleep. Instantly the pain came back. Your head ached and shoulder was sore. A short groan escaped your lips as your eyes adjusted to the brightness of the white walled room and the image of your boyfriend anxiously awaiting you. A smile spread across your lips as you attempted to sit up but leaning on your left arm for support proved a bad idea. “Let me help you.” He said  helping you shift yourself into a seated position while propping the pillows up behind you for support. The room was silent for a few moments before you broke it. “I’m really glad you came.” He reached out for your right hand which wasn’t connected to any equipment and laced his fingers with his. “I’m sorry.” He apologized immediately and you knew that he’d been thinking it over the entire time. “I shouldn’t’ have gotten frustrated. I shouldn’t have kicked you out.” You squeeze his hand to silence him before he explained any further.  You already knew it was a long day. You should have known that he’d want his space. “It doesn’t matter.” You tell him hoping to quench the worry in his eyes. “I’m going to be okay. It’s just a few bumps and bruises.” He looks down sympathetically no doubt reexamining the cuts on your face. He knows that you’re tying to make him feel better. Your smile tells him that. You hate to see him worried or scared. “Stop it.” He tells you. “You’re the one in a hospital bed. Stop trying to make me feel better.” You sigh loving how much he knows about you. “Then just hold me.” You command softly, begging him to comply. It was the only thing you really wanted; the only thing that would truly make you feel better.

 Smiling his contagious crooked smile he let his guard down and did exactly as you asked. You shifted yourself into his embrace and until you were deemed stable and discharged you stayed wrapped in his arms wanting nothing more than exactly what you had. Early that next morning the two of you arrived home and he refused to leave your side for the next three days. He cancelled all appointments and meetings. It was almost as if he thought he’d blink and you’d be gone. Late the second night you were beginning to feel like your normal self again and started trying to convince him to get back to work but he wouldn’t have it. “You have to go back to work.” You say looking up into his eyes from your place resting on his broad chest. “Do I?” He questions almost jokingly knowing what you’re trying to do. “I really don’t think I do.” You sigh suddenly feeling like you’re running up hill. Anticipating your next response he answers. “I almost lost you. I’m not ready to leave so quickly.” You shake your head knowing he was exaggerating. “I was fine. Just cuts and bruises.”  His hand reaches for your chin making sure your eyes are on his. “That may be true but I thought I was and I never want to have to go thorough that again. I never want to loose you or for it to ever be a possibility.” The intensity burning behind his gaze froze you in place. He leaned down and kissed you firmly on the forehead as if sealing his words forever with that movement. “Fine.” You relent remembering your thoughts alone in the ambulance. Snuggling closer into his embrace you think that maybe a couple more days wouldn’t be so bad after all.

[hotfornick-blog]

A Blessed Meeting

Request by Anonymous

Written By: Marianna

Waves crashed, the smell of saltwater assaulted you and the seagulls flew. It was mid afternoon and there was absolutely no place in the world you’d rather be. You lean back into your boyfriends taut chest and sigh. “One kid or two?” You ask. Your tone is light only because you’ve talked about his before. “More like four.” He laughs. “Or a small army. Either way.” A smile appears on your features. You can feel him shrug. His strong arms wrap around you hugging you tightly to himself. You both become silent again just watching the waves and beauty of nature. “I am so blessed to have you.” He states matter-of-factly. Despite his rock star status he never failed to be thankful for the things in his life. “It was a blessing that we met.” You laugh knowing exactly how true your statement was.

          It was an internship blessed by God himself. You hadn’t gotten into the three that you wanted and this was your fall back. You were the runner for a radio station which means you were subjected to whatever anyone needed you to do all day long. It wasn’t what you wanted. It wasn’t even close. When you’d decided on your Communications major you’d dreamed of organizational and networking glory. What you now found was coffee runs and filing papers. It had started off as the worst day of your life. You’d been late. Your boss was already pissed when you got there. The first talent who was supposed to call in never did and didn’t answer your calls. There were a massive amount of fans around the front. You didn’t know why until you showed up and read the itinerary for the day. The Jonas Brothers were making their comeback and apparently it was via radio station tour. It’s not that you weren’t a fan but pop music and boybands had never really grabbed your soul before. Although you had heard some of Nick’s solo album and had fallen in love with a few of the tracks. “JESSICA!” Your boss screeched. “Get in the conference room and get them whatever they want!” You took off across the building and did exactly what you were told all while fighting back tears. You got in the room, asked them what they needed which was nothing but water and then got it for them. You went off in search of and on the way back were handed a stack of file folders. Agonizingly long story short you went to give the Bros their water and took a spill on the way in. While cleaning up the mess the guys helped and while they were your boss came in and freaked. Joe and Kevin distracted him while Nick helped you finish up the pile. When you finally stood he saw the tears in your eyes and stopped. He took the pile of folders for you and ignored your boss’ protests while carrying them to your desk. He asked if you were alright before heading back to the conference room.  You wiped your tears, composed yourself and started sorting your files. You stayed in your cubicle until their interview was over. When the brothers were walking out Nick stopped at your desk. Again asked if you were alright then, leant down to hug you. “Thanks for the water.” He said pulling away. He put something down on the desk in front of you before smiling his beautiful smile and rushing off after his brothers.

            “You were such a dork.” You laugh at the memory. “And you were a wreck.” He retorted half jokingly. “You’re a jerk.” You teased smacking him lightly. “It’s why you love me.” You knew that he was smirking. “Yeah,” You sigh. “It is. Well, at least one of the reasons.” Although Nick had flaws like all people his cocky personality was one of the things you really did love about it and after dating as long as you two had love was definitely the word for it. He kissed you softly on the lips before reaching behind him to the picnic basket he’d brought alone. From the inside he pulled a pink carnation which he knew to be your favorite flower. Instead of handing it to you he snapped the stem and tucked the expression of love behind you ear. “Do you know how beautiful you are?” He asked clearly and simply with not an ounce of hesitation in his voice. Instantly you blush. No matter how many times he’s told you this it still flatters you that someone like him could be interested in someone like you. A rockstar and an ordinary person. It was very fairytale-esque. “Only about half as beautiful as you are.” You laugh avoiding his question. He took you hand in his. “I mean it.” He tells you before kissing you once more and like magic your hesitation and insecurity melted away. When you were with him nothing else seemed to matter. 

          The two of you embraced for a long time and both pulled away flushed. It was sweet and innocent. It was young love but beneath the innocence was something more passionate burning and boiling beneath. Once again he reached behind him and pulled out one more thing. This time it wasn’t so easily hidden. He situated his guitar and began tuning the instrument. Of how you longed to be able to play it. He’d tried numerous times to teach you but it never stuck so you gladly settled for watching him expertly play for you. It took him a couple minutes to tune the string instrument before the chords of one of your favorite songs began to come forth. “I don’t want to see another pretty face. I don’t want just anyone to hold. I don’t want my love to go to waste. I want you and your beautiful soul.” Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney. You smile he knew you all too well. JMac had been your idol and celebrity crush growing up and this was your favorite song by him. “I know that you are something special. To you I’d be always faithful. I want to be what you always need. Then I hope you’ll see the heart in me.” Although Nick sang Jesses’ words he made them his own. And despite the fact that he hadn’t written them you could feel the passion in every word he sang. “You’re the one I wanna chase. You’re the one. I wanna hold. I won’t let another minute go to waste. I want you and your beautiful soul.”

          The song ends and you find your eyes opening not even realizing you’d close them. You find him looking down at you curiously. He’s wearing a mischievous smile; one that you absolutely adore. Setting down the instrument he grabs your hand and pulls you to your feet beside him. “The tide was really high last night because of the storm.” He noted. “Wanna look for seashells?” You laugh. He sounds like a total dork. “Of course!” You reply lacing your fingers with his and pulling him towards the waters edge. With nothing but the sound of the waves crashing down the two of you being to walk along the shores edge. The white noise was relaxing as you bend down to pick up a delicate looking shell no bigger than a penny you realize Nick as vanished from your side. Turning you find him yanking his dark blue t-shirt from his sculpted torso. Although enjoying the view a metaphorical wave of confusion washes over you then the mischievous gleam returns to his eyes and it all clicks. “No!” You command automatically taking a step away from him. He smiles taking a step towards you. You turn on your heel and begin to run knowing that it was a futile effort. Despite your determination he had overtaken you within moments. When Nicks hands grasped your waist you screamed protesting while he easily swung you onto his strong shoulders. Then he steadily walked towards the water. You hold on to him as though your life depends on it while he attempts to shake your vice grip.

                   After a couple minutes of trying unsuccessfully to let you go he decides to use your weakness and begins to tickle you. His unfair disadvantage lands you in the water up to your mid thigh. It’s chilling despite the warm weather and you inhale sharply.

    His leg swings kicking water in your direction. The spray sprinkles droplets up your left side and you gasp not yet adjusted to the chilled liquid. You crinkle your face at him and splash in retaliation; something you really should’ve though through before actually doing. In instant water fight started. Within moments you were completely drenched. Seeing no point in avoiding the water any longer you wait until he leans down to splash you again then launch your self at his broad shoulders. He stumbles at the impact and laughs at your impulsiveness then in a split second you find yourself completely submerged. He’d completely deadweighted taking you down with him. He really was something sometimes. You instantly released your grip on him and swam to the surface.

          “You’re a jerk!” You joked finding him laughing his head off once you surfaced. You went into hit him in the chest but instead he caught your wrist and pulled you to him. Immediately sobering up you found his eyes trained on your lips and his body much closer than you thought it’d be. Intoxication overtakes and your lips connect. First innocently then more passionately and you were gone. The effect he had on you was too much to handle sometimes. He lifts you up and you hitch your legs around his hips careful to avoid him omni pack before your lips once again meet his. The sun was beginning to set and the sky was painted pinks, purples, oranges but you didn’t see its beauty. All of your senses were focused on your boyfriend his taste. The feel of his strong hands holding you up and the way his body felt pressed against yours. Somehow you could never get close enough to him or enough of him.

          In the distance you could hear your cell phone ringing on the beach where you’d left it but it didn’t matter. Nothing did when you were with him. You two stayed in each others embrace for what seemed like an eternity and when the chill of the night began to come he let you down and wrapped his strong arms around your shoulders just holding you to his chest. No words needed to be spoken. There was no explanation or filler needed for the fact that your two hearts were beating as one. There was no poem or song that could accurately portray your feelings for one another; for true love.