mel @unbornmel - Tumblr Blog

i’m going to kick anxiety in the ass

my body feels like this awful prison cell that i can’t escape

i am so frustrated. it’s like my body is this prison i can not escape. it has been 51 days of me trying my best to lose weight, to change and stop complaining without taking action and not much has changed. my body still feels and looks the same. it is so hard to continue because i just want a quick fix. a magical glow up. suddenly look like bella hadid and not this 5’1 overweight hairy girl with the biggest nose and double chin. it is so frustrating to look in the mirror and be disappointed every time. to not have a single picture you like. my heart hurts. to top it all i also noticed a bald spot in the back of my head yesterday. i’m scared. my hair is important to me. i don’t know what to do.

i feel so behind in life.

my parents tell me about other people’s children who are studying, who moved and started their lives, who work and help their parents and make them proud. while telling me this they can’t look in my eyes or even my direction. while everyone else seems to figure things out quiet easily, here i am, behind. there aren’t a lot of people my age who start an ausbildung. and i am so worried about what i’m going to do afterwards. but i need to remember that other people’s journeys are not comparable to mine. two years ago the only thing i wanted from life was to die. now i want to live. start my own life. have a cat. see the world. laugh. cry. find new goals and dreams. i’m not behind because this is not a race. comparison is the killer of joy. i may be a disappointment to my parents, but i’m alive. i try every day. i don’t wake up with the thought of wanting to kill myself anymore. i try my best at work and school with what i have. this is my own journey and i don’t want to prove myself to anyone but me. i want a peaceful life full of good people, joy, kindness and warmth. i want to grow. i want to do things that make me happy. i want to be selfish. so while i feel embarrassed and sad about my situation, i still have to remember how much i’ve grown. i wish everyone else the best and hope that the path they’ve taken brings them joy and happiness. and i wish that for myself too.

i gained so much weight again. my body hurts. and i’m so heavy. it’s so hard to carry all this weight. my stomach is so big. i feel so disgustingly huge. i’m so embarrassed.

will i forever be the girlfriend that is so fat that others can diss ur boyfriend by saying ur gf pudgy

why do i have to look the way i do

i’m so jealous of people with these tall, skinny, beautiful bodies and faces i can’t put it into words

i don’t want to be a hateful person but i have so much anger inside of me

i wish i had a different family. an understanding one. a supportive one. a loving one. instead i grew up with verbally abusive narcissists who made me feel like i should die since i was 8 years old. i am 25 and still at home, trying to built a life for myself and it’s so fucking hard to be happy when you’re surrounded by adult babies who want to be worshipped

i want to be skinny and beautiful so bad it’s killing me, i don’t want to be this way anymore but it feels like i was just not made to be pretty

if there is a god i hope he knows how full of anger i am. how tired i am of looking at this face, this body that were created and made to feel like a punishment. i look at all the beautiful people on this planet, all the skinny, tall, beautiful girls with beautiful faces and i can’t help but feel jealousy and rage. why did i have to look like this. so fat, short, hairy, eye bags down to my shin, hair won’t grow long, no eyelashes, big ass fucking nose, small lips, brown eyes, no good body shape, fat arms, legs, face, stomach, everything and small boobs while other people look so effortlessly stunning. i look so boring ugly. it’s driving me insane and i stuff my face with food cause no matter my size i’m never not going to have a different face and body

the frustration of not being able to leave your body is awful. i’ve been eating good and not much and i still gained weight. i want to cry and cut my legs and stomach and arms open to spoon out all the fat stored inside of me. i want a fast fix, a fast result. but that’s not how it works. i feel trapped. i need to move my body but it feels impossible to work out. i need to eat less but i can’t seem to stop being a pig. what now.

i think i change but a lot of things stay the same

erkek arkadaşım olmasa, hiç arkadaşım olmaz

i’m so fucking fat, i love fashion but none of my clothes look good on me

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