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@uncertainhills
thereβs something about you that tastes sweeter than honey. every touch from you makes my skin prickle and my breath catches in my throat. you always know the best things to say, the perfect time to say it. i told you i can see myself spending the rest of my life with you and i mean it. i mean every word and i canβt wait to make it happen. i canβt wait to make the best kind of life with you.
maybe if i scoop my own eyes out, i donβt have to see this shit all the time
Sappho, tr. by Anne Carson
itβs so frustrating because iβm trying to do the right thing!! i was never going to have feelings for you, but you were just easy to get with when i was in a bad mood. and i found someone i actually want to not fuck up with so i try to do the adult thing!! and stop anything else!! but here you are, making me feel like shit for something i never reciprocated to begin with!! so thank you, for ruining these days off for me in one quick swoop.
do you ever just βΛΆΛκ³ΛΛΆββΌ:β‘*οΎβ₯οΈ
πππππ // ππππ ββ¨β π’ππ ππππ π’ππ ππππ πππ ππππ π πππ’ ππππ ππππ. ππππ π πππ π πππππ ππ π’ππ, πππ’ ππππ. β
ππππππ πππ ππ ππππ - πππ ππππππ’
dear ash,Β
it was times like these that i wish i had your ability to formulate the perfect sentences. express my words to you in strings of colors that projected against the paper in a beautiful rainbow. i know my words wonβt be perfect, but i hope it all makes sense in the end.Β
iβve never seen you smile so bright before. your eyes light up when you talk about him and your cheeks turn this bright pink like someone lit a match under your skin. you canβt hold still; your leg is bouncing or your hands are rubbing together like the energy heβs put into you is too much for your small frame to handle. the love you have radiates through every room you enter. anyone that sees you can tell that thereβs just somethingΒ different about youβhappier, prouder, more confident. i know itβs not just him to thank for this, because these are all things i knew you had inside of you, but iβm just glad that he has helped open those doors. the chirping blue birds and bright colors of yellow and orange are springing out of your chest.Β
i know i was hesitant at first and maybe that was because i didnβt understand. i didnβt comprehend the idea of someone walking into your life and turning your whole world upside-down, but i can see it know. heβs great, wonderful, even, and he loves you. iβm only saying this because iβve seen all those other bullshit guys around you that take advantage of everything you have to give. he doesnβt though. he wonβt.Β
iβm writing you these letters in hopes that these will bring you back down onto your feet whenever youβre feeling trapped at the ceiling with nowhere to go. iβve always had in my mind that i have to protect you, that i have to be the one that fixes the broken pieces or mends the wounds. i guess these letters are the way of me letting that responsibility (somewhat, never completely) go to someone that loves you just as much as i do.Β
this is the first letter of five. the next one you can read whenever you want, whenever you need a pick-me-up on a dark blue and dreary day. the others will follow suit. this is the letter where i have to let you go as being just my big sister. i know youβll always be there, but i know things are going to change too and thatβs okayβwe knew it would happen one day. while i might be letting you a little loose to run on your own, always know that your little brother is right here waiting for you when you need to come back.Β
your big day is today and while it might not be some huge ceremony with hundreds of people and thousands of dollars in decorations, it feels right. it feels like everything is finally falling into place how it should and iβm so thankful i get to see it happen right next to you.Β
donβt ever forget how much i love you, okay? weβve been through hell and back together and i would be lost without you. youβre a strong, beautiful, talented, and amazing woman and i canβt wait to see whatβs to come when youβre (gross!) married.Β
hereβs to you and hereβs to timothΓ©e and hereβs to a life filled with love from everyone around you.Β
love,Β
aidan
πππππ // ππππππ’ β β ππ ππππππ π ππππ π’ππ πππ, π’ππ πππ ππ’π ππππ ππ, ππππ’. β
πππππ // ππππππππ β β π'π ππ‘πππππ ππ ππππ π’ππ ππ ππππ ππ πππ ππππππ’ β
i didnβt want to wake up in such a terrible mood. the weight of the world settled deep in my chest, making it hard to sit up in bed. the twisted manipulation seeping the words that echoed in my brain. why should someone be allowed to treat another that way? why should someone be allowed to treat my sisterΒ that way? is it too much of a clichΓ© to sayΒ βnot on my watchβ?Β
maybe i shouldnβt have done it, pushed derek against the side of his bus and slammed into him until he was on his knees. his blood covered my knuckles in splashes of bright red, flashing through my thoughts like it was the only color i could see.Β
i feel like pushed it too far, knowing that i could take advantage of him in his state, but thereβs something deep inside me thatβs wanting more. the crushing feeling of guilt is overruled by the thought of giving someone a taste of their own medicine. sure, beating someone until theyβre black and blue on the outside is different than leaving someoneβs heart with shades of purple and black. but in the moment, the adrenaline coursing through your veins, echoing in your ears, itβs worth it. itβs worth walking away, shaking your hands clean of the negativity. itβs worth knowing that maybe, i donβt know, maybe weβve won this battle.Β
hopefully he learned. hopefully he knows that no one, and i mean not a single fuckinβ person, can fuck with my sister. and if he didnβt? well, i guess iβll deal with that when it comes along.Β
heβs gonna be the death of me
i accidentally showed some weakness earlier today it was disgusting i would not recommend itΒ
iβve accidentally ( not so accidentally ) gotten myself into a possible date and the thought of it made my stomach turn inside out ( positively or negatively, iβm not sure of ). talking to him is easy, which has proven to be something somewhat difficult for me at times. itβs different and iβm just confused with what to do with myself.
i guess thatβs why, the second i asked if it was a date, i was immediately asking someone else to come over to sleep with me. itβs stupid, iβm stupid, but iβm just scared, you know? heβs the perfect one, the purity past all the evil in the world, and i canβt wait to dig my nails in to tear him apart. at least then, i wonβt be so unsure of myself.
i was just s*d last night so i hope conan doesnβt think to deep into anything π
