love and light

I'm not good with words, but if I don't write, I'll cry.

[unconsciouscreativity]

I do everything in your memory and it's never enough.

ten word story #48

[unconsciouscreativity]

I can only hope heaven is the best during christmas.

Just for you // ten word story #47

[unconsciouscreativity]

Today marks five months. I’m still pretending you’re still here.

ten word story #46

[unconsciouscreativity]

i’ll keep feeding myself rose colored lies until i die.

Ten word story #45

[unconsciouscreativity]

be careful what you wish for be careful what you say because no matter how you change with age it could come true some day

[unconsciouscreativity]

1. he patted me on the back and then pushed me into a wonderland i had never even imagined showing me a whole new world that became my normal when everything else was so scary. he built me up to break me down. he slapped me in the face and screamed that i was being unfair as he held my hand and i loved them through everything and always will no matter how much i hate him. 2. she took my hand and guided me through the darkest nights. she reminded me of what was missing in my life and encouraged a new self to appear daily no matter how much i fought. i asked for rain, but she gave me a hurricane and i will never be able to pick up the debris that fell off of who i used to be. 3. he taught me love. he taught me what being gentle and supportive really means. he stared me in the eye, pointed at himself and another man and said "this is what you should wait for anything less than that and you’re cheating yourself. don’t let somebody cheat you out of the greatest feeling in life. wait and when you know, you’ll know and then scream it from the mountaintops even if you have to whisper. it doesn’t matter how loud, if it’s true, everyone will know." 4. she ran to me with open arms and we jumped around because there is so much to be excited about every single day. she showed me the power of words and the strength of living for yourself no matter how difficult it might be. she let me laugh loudly without covering my mouth. she told me to think of the stupidest, most life-changing thing i could do and then dared me to do it clapping as i followed her blindly. 5. he didn’t do anything except tip his hat and let me watch as his hat overflowed with honesty. he was vulnerable and real and flawed —so, so very flawed-- but absolutely infuriating to the point where i hate hate hate him, but i cannot stay away. he is bad for my health, bad for my mind so bad that all i can see is good and i can’t get myself to care because we are on the same path and i want him next to me so i am not alone.

they make up the stages of my life that i never wanted, but always needed // knb

[unconsciouscreativity]

For 200 days I have been forcing myself to believe that life doesn't care whether or not you have the skinniest waist in the room. I've been fighting to convince myself that my thighs don't have to be toothpicks and my stomach doesn't have to concave and my plate can have more than every other person in the room. For 200 days I have been teaching myself how to not be bothered by small comments about weight and food and body image said by the customers that come into my work. I committed myself to never again feel my stomach try to eat itself out of desperation. I never want to have my eyesight go black for a few seconds and get dizzy every single time I stand up. I never want my legs to be so dehydrated that they collapse ever again. I want crying over food to be a thing of the past. For 200 days I have been dedicated to never being who I was for those three and a half years. For 200 days I have been strong and strong I will be for 200 more days.

This is my greatest achievement, but I can count on one hand who knows. // knb

[unconsciouscreativity]

For years, I used to say that I didn't want to be in a relationship. I didn't want the hassle that people told me about. I insisted that it wasn't for me. I made sure that people knew how disgusted I was by the thought because, hey. I'm not a person who does relationships. I'm someone who doesn't even need friends. I'm someone who is better on their own. But I was lying. I may not have known it then, but as I'm sitting here in the dark by myself watching really horrible movies and eating expired sour skittles that will probably make me sick by tomorrow morning, I have realized just how much I have lied to myself. I may not be the most affectionate person, but the more I'm alone, the more I daydream that maybe I could be with someone who is annoyingly affectionate and we'll just fit. The idea is more appealing to me than I'd like to admit, but I suppose that's what the problem is in the first place. You asked me why I have never come close to be in a relationship and I was about to say my usual, "I'm not ready." "i'm trying to fix myself before I let anyone else in." "Nobody could handle me" Instead though, I stopped and the vulnerability showed on my face even though you probably didn't notice and I just shrugged and laughed it off before quickly changing the subject, pretending the words that I wanted to say weren't dying to slip off my tongue and be honest for once in my life. "Nobody has ever wanted to date me." "I have no idea how to act around people." "Guys typically want confident girls. Not girls who can barely mumble out a sentence." "Quiet isn't an attractive quality to people." "I'm terrified of being on a date." "I'm not good enough to date anyone." "Nobody wants me." Nobody wants me. I can only imagine the look on your face if I had let the truth slip out and it scares me because I just know that you're too nice of a person to tell me that i'm right, and that would probably hurt more. I'm terrified of being alone in the future, and I'm terrified that nobody will ever think I'm enough, and I'm terrified that everybody already knows that both of these things are true and that they're too afraid to tell me and hurt my feelings. I don't remember where I was going with this, but I'm scared of being alone and I wish I had somebody to share this with who could tell me how silly I'm being, but I don't have that, I never will have that, I have no idea how to get that, and that's the whole problem. I just want to be normal and loud and pretty and confident and have somebody who wants to be around me even when I can't even stand to be around myself. I want to be wanted and loved and I want somebody to like me just once so I can know what that feels like. I'm sick and tired of feeling pathetic and being alone.

nothing has been harder to admit to myself than this // knb

[unconsciouscreativity]

When I was eleven, I learned that imperfect words existed and proceeded to cross out every word on every page I had written in search of only the most perfect of words hoping that I could finally stop of the layer of fear and shame whenever I put words on a page.

every notebook I own looks like an obsession with black, blue and red ink. // knb

[unconsciouscreativity]

twenty things my dad taught me in twenty years 1 .Everybody communicates in different ways 2. If you love something, love it with all your heart 3. Never, ever belittle somebody just because they like things you don’t 4. Being a good sport is the most important thing 5. Support, spoil and live for the people you love 6. Work your hardest no matter what. It will pay off in the future more than you can imagine. 7. Always, always, always remember birthdays. always. 8. Italy is beautiful, but home is where you’ll be more. Live accordingly. 9. Routine can be good 10. Food isn’t your enemy. Eat the pasta. Every time. 11. Try to learn to read a map, but it’s okay if it doesn’t click. Keep trying. 12. Making little kids laugh is the most important thing in life. 13. Three hours early is always better than one minute late 14. If you want to get better, shoot 100 free throws a day. 15. If you have a skill somebody needs, share it 16. Wear what you want when you want - even if it makes people mad 17. Speak up about what you love and you can meet anyone anywhere 18. Everybody has an opinion about music and sports. Ask about it. 19. Pay yourself first. Treating yourself regularly should be included in paying bills. 20. You don’t have to understand someone to love them.

he's gone forever, but what he's taught me will never be // knb

[unconsciouscreativity]

She called me a spoiled brat until I believed it. She’s still my best friend.

knb // occasional haiku #8

[unconsciouscreativity]

From one to ten, he's the eleven to my zero.

ten word story #44

[unconsciouscreativity]

You're the voice in my head, yet we've never met.

ten word story #43

[unconsciouscreativity]

My world is crumbling, but maybe it's for the best.

ten word story #42

[unconsciouscreativity]

I choose recovery because you'd have wanted it for me.

ten word story #41

[unconsciouscreativity]

I'm still terrified of you and that isn't okay anymore.

ten word story #40

[unconsciouscreativity]

Ever since you left the words refuse to come back.

Ten word story #39