keep it secret

inner workings. ooc info only.

[underaps-blog]

i’m really just stuck in a place where i don’t know what i’m supposed to do. chris is mad at me, and i’m not saying i don’t understand because i totally do. i would act the same way he is, so i can’t even really be mad at him. but on the other hand, he’s acting like i’m the worst person he’s ever met. that’s what hurts more. he’s acting like there’s no way i could ever be a good person or treat anyone correctly. the thing is that i’ve given him no reason to think that. that’s just his opinion of me.

i should really find some friends that don’t jump my ass as soon as they get the chance.

[underaps-blog]

oh my fucking god everything is always my fucking fault. i’m always the fucking bad guy.

[underaps-blog]

chris what the hell are you doing

[underaps-blog]

oh nooooo chris what are we gonna do about this one

[underaps-blog]

“I would have respectfully bowed out if she had wanted to see where you two would go. I just really don’t want you upset with me. I value you and our friendship.”

for one.. fucking ouch. ‘if she had wanted to see where you two would go’ is a nice way of saying ‘fuck off chris, she wanted me instead’

and for another lmao a friend who ‘valued’ our friendship would have backed out when they heard that we were.. whatever we were.. but maybe my ideas of friendship are backwards. it’s like they wanted to hurt me lmao

[underaps-blog]

it felt like everything was going really well for once, and then it all just fell apart. i feel extremely led on, extremely used and extremely hurt. why tell someone that you have feelings for them and then turn around and tell them the next day that you have feelings for someone else? feelings don’t work like that. i really thought that lizzie was the one person who would never hurt me. i was wrong, again.

my first mistake was bringing the whole thing up. i never should’ve, but something in my gut told me to. and then she said she felt the same and.. my god, i haven’t felt that happy in fucking years, and then it was over in an instant. i guess the moral of the story is that there’ll always be someone better than me to pick. there always is, it’s happened with everything in my life, nothing new. i just wanted her.

i just feel so utterly and completely alone. as if i didn’t feel like an outcast with my friends anyways, now it’s just ten times worse. i had to go and tell my best friend that i have feelings for her when i could’ve just shut up. i don’t even want to talk to tom, i don’t really care how nice he’s being. and i know that’s bad and he didn’t do anything wrong, but it still feels like he did.

i just want to take it all back. i hate my stupid brain and my stupid emotions and how much i fucking care. i want it to all be done with, i want her, i want this feeling to go away. i ruined everything in my own life and now i gotta live with it.

[sadmitty]

Privilege - The Weeknd

[underaps-blog]

i would fucking love to not feel so out of place all the time. i feel like i don’t belong here at all and i don’t know how to make it better

[underaps-blog]

haha nice love that

[underaps-blog]

beer solves all my problems and if you cant fix it with beer you can fix it with xanax

[underaps-blog]

god i fucking hate this, i hate my mind, i hate being alone, i hate feeling this way. i’m so fucking tired of this

[underaps-blog]

i just wish i like.. had somebody. i feel like everyone has somebody except for me.