i imagine my mother gets very lonely. she is someone who has always carried deep pain and has spared no one in her experience of it. i think that when she lets it loose on others she feels she is unburdening herself. I think that this behavior has waned in recent years because she has been too alone to let it loose on anyone but herself. i imagine she is trying to piece back together the very loose narrative of her life and though i can see she is doing that and doing it well i know that she is in pain. i am sometimes glad to play a different role in her life now. i don’t feel much about who she is, sometimes i feel deeply about what she was not. i don’t cry when i think about her. i have dreams where i walk into her bathroom and find her corpse, blood-stained on the shower floor, along with a note.
i see pain in my brother that he won’t acknowledge. he is not interested in naming it. he wouldn’t know what to name it. i love him deeply and never tell him. i can always tell i love someone when i consider the bad parts of them an off-day, or a phase, or a trait like a jacket that they could take off if they wanted. i can always tell i love someone when i see only their consistent underlying goodness. i wonder if he sees his consistent goodness. i wonder if he knows there is no one like him.Â
there is so much pain i am unable to express to anyone. it is massive and interweaving and doesn’t want to be sorted. it wants to leave little by little. it is too loud to be advised. it is too forceful to be consoled. it feels wild and unintelligent. it does not want to be nurtured or tamed or petted or quieted. it might just have its way with me forever, and life tends to compound grief the longer you live it.
prguitarman
dailybridgerton
gummygunk
yousharknotpass
snowghoul
blakekathryn
