It’s ironic that it’s Friday 13th, I’m stuck in atl due to weather, and all I can think about is that I miss REDACTED. It’s been on my mind for the last week, I’ve been super in my feelings. I can’t tell if I’m being triggered by REDACTED taking time to study for his exams (rightfully so) or the fact that it’s a full moon, but I am so sad about how our relationship ended. I’m desperate trying not to re-write the turn of events in my head, trying not to make excuses for what happened. I’m trying to hold onto what little semblance of respect and dignity I have by not reaching out, offering another chance to be mistreated. If I stick to the facts, it’s all incredibly clear that I did what needed to be done. Actions were taken that hurt me, and when I had enough, I had enough. I cut my losses and let go, not knowing if I would ever find the same thing or better again. Normally, I’m fine with this, excited even. The concept of releasing something/someone, not meant for me reminds me that as quickly as I can let go, I can receive. But somehow, in the last week, I haven’t been excited. I’ve been grasping as straws, sad because I recognized how special he was, how special EYE was, how special that time period was. And it hurts me that I had to end it. It feels like I personally had to take my heart out and stab it. I think what hurts me the most is that I consistently went out of my way to choose him, and I feel like I made myself convenient to him for his NOT to choose me. He treated me that way because I let him. Was he a demon? No, not at all. In fact, this was probably one of the MOST amicable endings I’ve had. I think the little ways he didn’t choose me hurt me. Not coming to visit. Not committing. AND THEN on top of that, leaving me at the festival. I’m typing this because it’s important that I document this feeling, these feelings. I don’t have them often, and sometimes I wonder if they’re even there. They are. They show up every time I hear Coltrane. Every time I think about going back to london. Every time I think about artists we love. Everytime I think about my fucking birthday, I think of his. We were so perfect, until we weren’t. And I think that’s what hurts me most of all. I don’t even actually like Kadeem. I don’t know shjt about him. He only likes me for my vagina (which is fair) and I only like him for his penis (which is also fair). I’m triggered with him because I feel like I’m not being chosen again, and so my response overall will be to choose myself. I wish I could run away and never return, but the problem is, I have to take my brain with me, I have to take my mind with me. And that sucks. I have to take all my memories, all the kisses, all the tears, all the happiness, all the pain with me. I hate feeling sad. It makes me feel weak. Human. Acknowledged pain is felt pain, and I’m doing my best to allow it to run its course. I broke up with him almost a year ago and I still feel pained by this. I wish I could heal myself quickly, restore my power and just release it. I’m working on it but it’s taking longer than I thought. I sent him a concert ticket on dice the other day, not expecting or anticipating anything. Maybe I secretly hoped he would call or text, but nothing. And maybe that’s for the best. I don’t want someone who can’t go the extra mile for me when I’ve always done it for them. I need to let go of any delusion of wanting him
Back. I think I more so want MYSELF back, I loved how I felt with him. So myself. So true. I didn’t once feel like I was compromised, in who I was, how I acted, how I expressed myself. I dont feel compromised now, but in relationship, in love, it’s different. Being able to show yourself to someone, truly and fully, it’s an entirely different world. I would’ve had children with him, married him, stayed with him. I had never felt that before, never wanted to do those things with someone before. I realize now that I’m grieving a potential future. I’m grieving. And no amount of sex, liquor, drugs, flights, parties, concerts, purses can fix it. Time heals all, but she moves soooooooo fucking slow
ellievsbear
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