Under The Golden Shower Tree

A heart like His

[underthegoldenshowertree]

July 4 2023

Having a hard time adjusting to my new roles in the clinic.

One, because of my insecurities. When I delegate tasks, i feel inadequate and incompetent. But i have to accept the fact that i cannot do everything. Also, in order to train people, i have to let them do things. My colleagues are very competent and they are not my competition, they are my team. There are tasks that are not mine for me to do anymore and is time to let go of them. As there are new tasks that I need to take on now. If they do better than me when I was in their position, then I should be happy and proud of them.

2nd, i'm also afraid of being a burden to others, but to the point of treating them like a baby. Our team is tough - i have to keep that in mind. There is so much things to do, and it is my job to help them see that they are more than capable of doing everything what needs to be done, even more.

3rd, being assertive is a chore for me. But even if it is not natural to me, i have to force it and embrace that i need to be assertive.

Today, i learned that if i give up on this, there are people who rely on me who will also give up. I was moved by the courage to acknowledge to someone that she is needed. That it is a "packaged deal".

[mienar]

some animation works i made recently! :D

instagram | shop | commission info

[owlmylove]

maybe if you take a hot shower. cook something. eat a little soup. feel a little sunshine. make something with your hands—it doesn’t have to be big. maybe if you stretch your body and draw a silly little picture and get some rest, the world will feel like something your hands can still hold

[underthegoldenshowertree]

May 20 2022

Went home to an episode of backyard karaoke. Was fun! It was kuya Nyor's birthday. Discovered a song named after my mom.

"She says I swear I love my husband

And I love my kids

You know I wanted to be like my mother

But if I hadn't done it as soon as I did

Oh there might have been time to be me

For myself, for myself"

Sandra, Barry Manilow

It's quite a sad song. But it makes me wonder about the depths of my mom's sorrows. Which also takes me to another song.

"Mama don’t lie

it’s ok to cry

All the pain of yesterday I felt it too

You are blue I feel it

Mama you’re my rock

mama you’re my... "

Mama it's okay to cry, Geejay

In each nook and cranny around the house, i see signs of how my mom runs away from the past. I wish I could know what she is so afraid of. I wish i could at least be at her side when looking back. I wish she could also feel how it feels like when someone knows.

[underthegoldenshowertree]

May 19, 2022

Today, I told someone one of the memories I shoved deep inside my Pandora's box decades ago. It took me only a few seconds to say it out loud. And I wanted to do this because I want to normalize things, and because I don’t want to be alone in those memories. I want someone, or people to know, who truly I am - all parts, even the messy ones. This way I’ll know and believe that I truly exist, I am being. I feel that even for just a bit, I became comfortable in my own skin. Having someone know what I’ve truly been through...it validates not just my pain and healing, but my existence. 

Lately, the patients I’m talking to, are having a hard time in opening up. Trying to get past through their defenses is a delicate work. It is so fulfilling when they get out of the consultation room without their heavy baggage. That’s why I’m not used to the ones who needs more space and time. But they are the ones who needs patience and gentleness the most. I should know better. 

[underthegoldenshowertree]

May 5, 2022

Sometimes I wonder why I’m pursuing this profession. I constantly deal with the pain of others. I used to think that focusing on that would help me deal with my own pain. But everyday, their stories tell me a lot about my own story. I learn a lot about myself from them. And they constantly fuel my healing, all the while I try to do the same for them. 

I had this patient who seemed to be well adjusted. For her, she was able to cope and heal from her trauma. She said that it does not define her and that it’s not who she is anymore. She coped up by not letting her emotions overpower her. But then...why does she still want to go through psychotherapy? 

Controlling what we feel is never the path to healing. Denying a part of your story will not give you peace. That is clear to me now. Things happen, and it’s up to us how we will acknowledge those things and how we feel about them in a healthy and productive way. But running away from them forever won’t do any good. 

[soft-lovely]

Today’s manifestations are sweet treats, cuddly kittens and lovely spaces ☕️

[underthegoldenshowertree]

Do you know that feeling which is brought by the thought that the earth is both microscopely tiny and magnificently enormous at the same time.  I cannot decide if I’ll take on and conquer the world or if I’ll just let myself float around like a dust particle. 

[essayisms]

If this essay doesn’t kill me, nothing will. I’m currently grappling with the concept of connecting Du Bois’ concept of double consciousness with post-structuralism. I don’t know whether I’m being very clever or very stupid. (x)

[underthegoldenshowertree]

That alternating feeling clever and stupid 

[fromdilara]

01.03.21 / I was really lazy last couple weeks. I have not wanted to read or study anything. It was a time with lack of motivation and productivity for me. But finally today I feel like I can get back to study and put things back on track! I made a plan to make March a productive month, with this motivation. I am planning to fill especially this week with lots of reading and study. Besides, If any of you are waiting for a sign to start something, that sign is that sign, join me!

[galina]

Kind of my favourite spot for working at the moment / always

[underthegoldenshowertree]

I miss sitting at coffee shops.. Looks like coffee at home is the new normal

[underthegoldenshowertree]

March 22 2020

I am grieving.

Daily life still goes on for me, but I let myself grieve from time to time.

I grieve for those who died alone, without anyone beside them, even their family.

I grieve for those who lost someone without seeing them for the last time, not even being able to give proper burial ceremonies. Most of them, receiving their loved ones in an urn.

I grieve for those who are dying who probably in their minds are warning humanity and telling them to pray to God and brace ourselves.

I grieve for those who are fighting for the dying, putting their lives in the line just to serve the people they have promised to serve.

I grieve for the living, who are all hoping this times of difficulty would end soon.

But for me, grieving is not just an emotional process. It is a spiritual process. I grieve because I cry out to God all these souls, our souls. I grieve, because this is the way I communicate to God how hurt His people are, and how badly we need His mercy.

I know some people would think "pasan naman neto yung buong mundo". But I would like to say yes, pasan ko ang mundo. Pero pasan mo din. Pasan nating lahat. We are human beings, we live in this world, and it is only our duty to carry the world in our shoulders. And I cry, because it is God's grace to carry us in His.

I believe that in the midst of grieving, there is a rare kind of strength that can be born. Sadness is not always a bad thing. Sometimes, it is the very proof that we need help from God. And out of it comes humility, then strength, then power.

Tomorrow, I'll go to work again and proceed to my daily life. Tomorrow, I'll be the usual me, and not the grieving me. However, tomorrow, I'll be bringing with me strength to overcome, the strength from the Holy Spirit.

[underthegoldenshowertree]

March 7 2020 Will never forget the question they asked before the play started. Para kanino? Para saan? Reminded me why i still keep on doing what i do. ❤️ https://www.instagram.com/p/B9su5lMhgvowBErF3Rk8vWoPy2S449HmcdQQE40/?igshid=1aivd35ocd4uz

[underthegoldenshowertree]

May the flowers remind us why the rain was so necessary https://www.instagram.com/p/B9OkqpOlUo-U8ptrUDs6_bOGEbhm_-Jtc4lggc0/?igshid=1okfq13l9zfmv

[underthegoldenshowertree]

What a wonderful thought it is that some of the best days of our lives haven't even happened yet - Anne Frank https://www.instagram.com/p/B9JaT6qlaNaCX6LkA-pyM7sSoziN8QDXlMHuoM0/?igshid=2r468p1foni8

[underthegoldenshowertree]

When you do something beautiful and nobody noticed, do not be sad. For the sun every morning is a beautiful spectacle yet most of the audience still sleeps. John Lennon (at Paradis Island PH) https://www.instagram.com/p/B8_MzGVFlqB5iZ3nT0Z9IhqD8qrasO7RHT5LJw0/?igshid=1nya5fnni1xul

[underthegoldenshowertree]

I wanna make it right but i keep on getting it wrong https://www.instagram.com/p/B88XonYFJhRIQrUPxnM1mngsTu2TT1yRnvthOI0/?igshid=10pldcfsia4oi