These last few weeks have been emotionally... challenging, I guess. So here's something new: I am currently pining for someone—hard. I think. I really don't remember how it feels to pine for someone. For all I know, this is nothing compared to the way I used to pine for people in the past. Anyway, that's not important. What is important, however, is the fact that the person I currently pine for... is completely off limits. I absolutely cannot and must not pursue this. It's impossible and even if it were, let's be real—she would never go for me. I'm not putting myself down, really—I like who I am and sure, there are things I'd change about myself but overall, I'm happy with the way I am. With that being said, I really really don't think this would be in the cards for me. She's gorgeous, charismatic, funny and she has lots of great interests. She likes cheesy romantic movies like me and she's so goddamn easy to talk to that it kills me. Looking at the two of us side by side, a relationship seems like it would make sense but I don't know... maybe I'm just being pessimist but when I even start to think that we would be a couple, I start to feel sad. I can't pursue this. We work together and it's never a good idea to grow attached to your colleagues. But when she passes by—when we connect eyes and we smile at eachother, I can't help but give into my childish desires and wave to her, chasing a fleeting dream that I know could never be. What's worse is that she actually waves back and smiles even more majestically, making me think that the dream ahead of me is slowing down and that I could actually catch it. I think back to the first time we met—I wasn't even supposed to be working the same job as her—she was ushering and I was portering—but they needed help and so I was sent to aid her and one other usher. The other usher was actually a lead/supervisor so it was mainly her by herself ushering, as the lead had other duties to attend to. I met up with her, both of us unaware of one another. I didn't know her name and she didn't know mine. I finally found out her name after doing some detective work (by that I meant that I simply checked our schedule) and halfway into our first house, we started talking and we clicked instantly. It was a little awkward, of course, but it was... something—something that I hadn't felt in a long time. I actually felt it. The more we talked, the more I felt. I talked to her about the book I've been writing and that turned into conversations about our favorite romantic movies (hers is The Notebook, which is mine) and how La La Land was a real bummer. It was awesome. We shared cute little moments while we did our less-than-exciting work, like when we would take turns doing restroom checks and she would suddenly appear around the corner and I would "act" scared and that, in turn, made her laugh. It was genuine. It was nice. I added her on Facebook shortly after the time we spent together. She didn't accept until a day later and I messaged her after that. We had a short exchange before she stopped replying. I thought our ephemeral connection had broken suddenly. I was a little hurt but I guess this was closure, if anything. Fast forward to yesterday—I was scheduled to open (working at the stands) and the day started off slow. Helping guest after guest, the day was starting to drag on and on. Eventually, I found her standing at the front of the theater—she was scheduled as greeter, which meant that for the rest of my shift, I had to watch helplessly as she greeted each guest with perfect smile after perfect smile. Keeping in mind the messaging fail, I didn't want to be overzealous and approach her. I yelled her name from across the room and said "hi!" and she smiled and said "hey!" back. Just like that, I was into her again. When I was told to take my break, I decided to go and talk to her, just because I'm a fucking idiot and I like getting hurt, I guess. The first thing she said to me was that she was "so sorry" about leaving me hanging on Facebook, telling me that she hardly ever uses it. I took her apology as an opportunity to make sarcastic and self-deprecating remarks and they made her laugh. Everything was alright again. Like a goddamn buffoon, I let myself fall even deeper for her. I talked to her for minutes as she multitasked, handling her greeter duties and she dealt with my boring self. I even got in trouble because we aren't allowed to loiter if we're not on duty. I didn't see her for the rest of the day and it was fine. Really. Fast forward again to today—as I went in to clock on, she was clocking off. I came into the clock-in station and she was there, beautiful as ever, along with two of our colleagues. The three of them engaged in conversation while I stood there awkwardly trying to drool over her. She didn't notice I was there and I felt slighted, feeling like she didn't think of me at all the way I thought of her. I don't even mean that in the romantic sense—just in the way that friends usually feel about eachother. Does that make sense? When you're with someone and your friend comes along, you notice them right away, don't you? Anyway, we finally connected eyes and we smiled and said our hellos. It was lovely. I wanted so badly to ask her if I could message her or whatever but my body would not move and my brain froze. As the door closed behind her, I kicked myself throughout the whole day, thinking of all the things I could've said to her. This is exactly why I cannot pursue this. The way I feel when she's around and the way I feel when she's not... I can't remember feeling like this. When she's not around, I feel fine. Everything is great. She's in my thoughts from time to time but everything is fine otherwise. However, when I see her and she sees me, everything is blurred and all I see and think is her. I want to talk to her and make her laugh. I want to see her smile and I want to see her eyes and I want to hear her voice. When she's around, she fills my head like a thick fog. It's enveloping. It hurts. But not the obvious kind of hurt. It's like a slow burn. The pain is gradual and it increases slowly until I can't function without thinking about her. Aside from us being colleagues, I don't see any hope for this. I want badly to shut this off, as if by a flip of a switch or something. I can hardly bear this. I don't remember feeling this way about anyone. What do I do?
