An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Summary: Shouyou doesn’t know where he stands with Kenma.
Shouyou frantically picked up his clothes from the floor. The front door was opening faster than he could put his pants back on. Kenma sat staring at the door, seemingly already accepting his fate. Kuroo walked through the door and began laughing at them.
Shouyou felt his heart drop. Both he and Kenma were naked, standing in front of Kenma’s best friend.
Kuroo left the room and Kenma led them to the bathroom. Shouyou watched in silence as Kenma calmly helped him clean up a bit.
Kenma drew a bath and stepped into it. He closed his eyes and submerged himself to his chin. Dazed, Shouyou couldn’t turn away. The ends of Kenma’s hair floated around him. Kenma brushed his hair back out of his face.
Shouyou thought briefly to himself that Kenma looked nice with his hair pulled back.
Kenma looked up at him, “Are you coming in?”
It felt as if his heart stopped. Just the idea of bathing with Kenma felt intimate. It made it feel like they were more than whatever it was they were.
Shouyou stepped into the tub. It was a challenge considering the size of the tub wasn’t made for them. Which surprised Shouyou considering how small they both were. He sat facing the side of the tub. Kenma laid against the wall, legs stretched around Shouyou.
Embarrassed, Shouyou played with the soap bottles that lined the edge of the tub. He opened up and smelled a few. He pretended to read the ingredients or think about volleyball. He tried not to focus on the fact that he was sitting in a tub with someone he just had sex with. With Kenma, who he just had sex with.
Just the thought of it made him blush. Just minutes ago he had Kenma on top of him and under him. He had Kenma melting into him, showing him a side that was meant only for Shouyou. He wanted to see that side over and over again. He wanted to make Kenma happy. He wanted to be with Kenma forever.
Shouyou was in love.
“Kenma,” Shouyou rubbed the side of the tub.
Kenma hummed and closed his eyes.
‘I love you,’ Shouyou thought to himself.
But it wasn’t his place to say it. Not here, not now. Probably not ever. Shouyou sunk lower into the water. Kenma’s leg brushed against his back. He realized that Kenma wanted a response.
“Nevermind,” Shouyou couldn’t look at Kenma anymore.
There was a lump in his throat. Shouyou fought hard to hold back the tears that were forming. He splashed water onto his face. Neither said anything after that. Shouyou felt like it was his fault.
They got dressed in Kenma’s room. Kenma left without another word and Shouyou was left alone. He sat down on the bed and wiped away tears. He couldn’t control what was coming out and continued to wipe them away before they reached his cheeks.
Shouyou felt like he simultaneously lost and gained something. He couldn’t say the words when he wanted to. But he wasn’t sure if that was what Kenma wanted to hear.
He looked around the room, Kenma’s room. It was full of who Kenma was as a person. A pile of dirty clothes over flowing in the hamper. Games and figures lined and set up in a way that only Kenma understood. A few old text books on the floor. He had a few posters on his wall of bands and characters.
Shouyou looked at the futon on the floor next to Kenma’s bed. It lay unused by Shouyou. He had been sharing the same space as Kenma. He had been trying his best to sneak out of the room before Kenma woke up. Trying to hide how aroused he was in the mornings from the idea of sharing a bed. And trying to go running instead of having to face those emotions.
But now they had both crossed that line. They had done something together that couldn’t be taken back. Shouyou thought about where they stood with each other. It made his head hurt to think about. His chest felt tighter as a wave of sadness washed over him.
He took deep steady breaths before leaving the empty room. Shoyou joined Kenma and Kuroo in the kitchen. He saw a mug with tea was already waiting for him. The sadness he was feeling lightened up and he smiled.
Shouyou felt left out, watching Kenma and Kuroo talk to each other. He was always a little jealous of the way they interacted. Kuroo was the only other person who saw sides of Kenma that Shouyou was allowed to see. He felt a sense of pride knowing that he was able to see a new side to Kenma.
Kuroo brought the conversation over to Kageyama. Shouyou always felt like Kuroo was testing him in some way. Trying to see and compare his thoughts on Kenma and his thoughts on Kageyama. Shouyou couldn’t compare the two.
Shouyou felt tense talking to Kuroo. Eyes were on him to answer correctly, it felt like. Kenma lightened his mood, smiling at him. He had a hand set on the table closing the gap between them. Shouyou’s cheeks heated up and he couldn’t help blabbering about useless things he knew Kenma wasn’t interested in.
Kuroo invited them to watch a movie with him. Shouyou agreed immediately, wanting to stop his racing thoughts. His mind kept jumping from feelings of joy and love, to fear of rejection. It was a challenge Shouyou felt like he could chase.
They sat watching the movie in silence. Kenma looked as if he was dozing off through parts of the movie. Shouyou wondered about Kenma’s sleeping habits. He wished Kenma could get a good night’s rest.
He placed a hand on Kenma’s knee in hopes of sending that message across. Shouyou felt like all of his focus was on Kenma. He startled when Kenma placed a hand over his. Kenma’s eyes blinked at the screen and shut again.
Shouyou wanted to reach out and touch Kenma’s face. Trace over his chin, feel down his throat as his adam’s apple bobbed, unravel him all over again. Kenma had long eyelashes that fluttered, shining under the blue light of the TV. Shouyou bit his tongue, feeling the beginning of a confession bubble inside of him.
In that same light he locked eyes with Kuroo. Shouyou turned back to face the movie, tightening his grip on Kenma’s knee. He hesitantly looked at Kenma from the corner of his eye. Kenma was back to watching the movie. Shouyou followed his gaze and let the sounds of the TV block out his soft whisper that made its way out of his mouth.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Kenma checked his phone for the third time in the last two minutes. Time wasn’t moving fast enough for him. He continued to pace and check his phone, eyes searching the crowd of people. All in an attempt to find that bright orange hair. He couldn’t even remember the exact time Shouyou’s flight came in. Only that he was here in the same country as Kenma.
Kenma peaked over the heads of travelers walking through. Finally seeing Shouyou’s bright orange hair wearing an even brighter smile on his face. Kenma felt lucky for having those few minutes to admire that dumb smile right before Shouyou noticed him. Shouyou was fixing the front of his jacket and fiddling with his hair. Shouyou pushed the palm of his hand to slick it down in what looked like an attempt to smooth it. When it popped back up Shouyou frowned, making Kenma laugh to himself.
Shouyou’s eyes found his and he broke out into a wide grin. Shoving past people, he ran down the steps, making a leaping jump on the last step. Kenma braced his arms on either side of him waiting for the inevitable. Shouyou immediately embraced him in a tight warm hug. Kenma could feel his feet leave the floor as Shouyou lifted him into the air.
Kenma had not worked out since high school. Any muscle mass forming then was replaced by soft, squishy skin. Shouyou, however, had done nothing but exercise. And Kenma could feel the defined arm muscles squeeze into his sides.
Kenma felt faint and a little dizzy after that spin. He blamed it on just the spin. Not the light headed happy feelings blossoming in his mind.
Shouyou beamed at him, smile looking brighter against tan skin. Kenma knew that he was blushing. He turned his head off to the side, “Is that your luggage?”
Shouyou nodded, “Are you ready to take me to your home?”
“Yeah,” Kenma lowered his head, hiding his smile.
The walk to the train station wasn’t a quiet one. Nothing was ever quiet with Shouyou around. And Kenma couldn’t be happier. Shouyou pulled out his phone sharing all of the pictures Kenma had already seen. Kenma listened to all the stories attached, weird sound effects and all.
Kenma pulled away from his gaze on Shouyou when he feels fingers against his. Looking down he saw Shouyou slyly working his hand into his.
Kenma pulled away slightly, noticing the frown on Shouyou’s face in the middle of his story. Kenma wrapped his fingers between Shouyou’s and he froze mid sentence.
“How have you been, Kenma?” Shouyou turned all of his attention to him.
Kenma nodded, “I’ve been fine.” Kenma pulled Shouyou through check in and they crammed onto the train. Standing practically face to face, Kenma felt overwhelmed.
Kenma knows Shouyou noticed his uncomfortable frown being so close to different bodies. He continued to tell his stories. Kenma isn’t sure if he’s doing it to be nice or because he just likes hearing his voice.
Once off the train Kenma leads them to his shared apartment. Kuroo was still at work which left the apartment empty. Kenma’s thoughts went to places he didn’t expect just thinking about being alone with Shouyou.
Shouyou found Kenma’s bed and splayed out onto it. Rolling onto his back Shouyou reached his arms out. Kenma sat down next to him. Similar to a cat Shouyou curled up into Kenma’s side.
“Are you going to purr too?” Kenma wondered out loud.
Shouyou smiled against the side of his leg, “Only if you want me to.” Kenma immediately filed that under his ‘save later’ file.
Shouyou smiled wide and bounced back up. Kenma knew that smile. He could read Shouyou’s face in almost anything that he did. Kenma knew the words that were about to fall out of his mouth probably before Shouyou did.
“Let’s explore,” He leapt out of bed.
Only Shouyou could be on a plane and want to travel some more, Kenma thought. He watched as Shouyou undressed unabashed in front of him. Kenma felt like he didn’t blink the entire experience. Shouyou turned to face him as he was pulling on a clean shirt and grinned.
Kenma blushed and pretended he was watching a less interesting poster.
Together they headed out into the city. The sun had just set and Shouyou kept yawning. Kenma felt like he could barely keep up. Shouyou first stopped at a ramen shop, eyeing the menu.
“Miss Japanese food?” Kenma nudged Shouyou closer to the shop.
The excited look on Shouyou’s face made Kenma think he was having heart palpitations. “And being Japanese men!”
“So you have a type,” Kenma sat at the bar.
“Sure do,” Shouyou wasn’t even drinking but his voice boomed throughout the area, “Small, quiet, and Japanese. What can I say? I’m a simple man.”
“Simple is right,” Kenma ordered for them both.
They teased each other some more and Kenma ordered them beer. Surprised Shouyou hadn’t actually tried it before. Kenma felt warm and full as they fell right back into how they were before he left.
Whatever that was defined as.
Kenma was still left unsure. It’s not like his interest was in anyone else. And Shouyou never expressed liking anyone but Kenma. It was all so confusing.
Kenma shared his life, though he was sure Shouyou knew all the important parts. Finishing college, starting a job, and deciding to live with Kuroo were all major events. But Shouyou took it all in as if it were new information. Something about being able to say things face to face made it seem more real.
Once done, SHouyou dragged them to their next stop which was a convenience store. Shouyou breathed in the air and went to collect his favorite snacks.
“I’m starting to think you missed food the most,” Kenma teased.
Shouyou turned to Kenma, eyes staring directly into his, “I missed you.”
Kenma took a step back feeling embarrassed, “You’re allowed to miss more than one thing.”
Shouyou paused, placing his hand on his chin in classic thinking mode. He then moved hand held basket further up his forearm. Holding his hands out and counted out loud, “Japanese food, Mom, Natsu, Kageyama, Yachi, Yamaguchi, Tsukishima, and Kenma.”
Kenma pulled out a random assortment of chips throwing them into Shouyou’s basket. “C’mon,” Kenma tugged on his sleeve.
They checked out and walked back home. Still on a crowded street they bumped shoulders instead of holding hands. Kenma brushed the back of his hand against Shouyou’s hand. He soaked in the warmth radiating off of Shouyou’s body.
Arriving home Kenma ran Shouyou a bath. While he was bathing Kuroo came home holding take-out.
“Figured you and your boyfriend already ate so,” He sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. Even with the TV on Kenma could feel Kuroo’s eyes burrowing holes into the side of his face. Kenma repeated the word in his head.
“Boyfriend,” Kuroo said aloud.
If Kenma had one superpower it would be the power to shut Kuroo up with his galre. Kuroo laughed to himself in response.
The bathroom door opened and Shouyou came out. He greeted Kuroo, thanking him for allowing him to stay with them. Kenma felt like a creep staring at Shouyou. He watched a drop of water fall from Shouyou’s hair and down his cheek. Shouyou always seemed to have a ray of light surrounding hikm. His big eyes turned to stare directly at him. Kenma had to turn away in fear of being blinded.
“You’re drooling,” Kuroo whispered. He then turned to Shouyou to ask about his training. It gave Kenma the distraction he needed to bathe himself.
In the bath Kenma couldn’t help but think about that stupid word. “Boyfriend,” He said out loud to the empty room. He repeated it. It seemed like such a far away concept. They talked daily, held hands, went out together. But boyfriend would be labeling it into something more.
Permission to ask for more things. Kissing, sharing a bed and not just a room, and so much more. Boyfriends would mean different introductions, telling friends. Boyfriends would mean being in love.
Kenma felt like he was in love. His world was separated from Shouyou’s world. He was his own being. His own person. He had his own thoughts and worries. He liked living a simple life of going to work and coming home to play video games or relax with his best friend and his cat.
But he wanted Shouyou to be a part of all that. He wanted to share his being, share his space, his friends. He wanted to share his worries, his life, his cat.
Kenma got out of the bath. It was leading to dangerous thoughts.
Thoughts about love.
Kenma was in love. The kind of love that was crushing. Making his heart feel as if it could shatter if everything fell apart. The kind of love that swallowed him whole. The kind of love that made him feel whole.
Shouyou was still on the couch with Kuroo when he came out. Together they were noisier than Kenma and Kuroo had ever been. They sat and watched a movie. Kenma squeezed between the two of them on the much too small couch.
Kenma could hear his heart in his ears. He barely paid attention to whatever sitcom Kuroo put on. He could only focus on the way Shouyou took up space next to him. Shouyou’s knee bounced anxiously against Kenma’s thigh. When something funny happened on TV he let out a full body laugh.
Sometime in the night Kuroo went to bed with a supportive pat on his friend’s shoulder. Kenma thought about moving over, giving Shouyou more space. But the braver part of him, the part of him Shouyou always brought out, decided to stay.
And the ever so exciting, interesting Hinata Shouyou reached over and grabbed his hand. With only the noise of the TV they sat hand in hand. Kenma wanted to memorize the feeling of Hiniata’s hands. The hands that worked so hard every day for the last two years. The hands that were rough and calloused from years of training, years of fighting. Kenma slowly rubbed his thumb across the side of Shouyou’s hand. Shouyou’s grip tightened and Kenma knew that he wasn’t paying attention to the TV. Shouyou’s face was hyper-focused, eyes searching for something Kenma couldn’t see.
“Shouyou,” Kenma blinked at him. In a feat that surprised even him he said, “I missed you.”
Feeling the confidence and buzz of adrenaline, Kenma leaned in. Shouyou, much more excited, hurried in to press their mouths together.
Shouyou buzzed with excitement as he always did after a good practice. He ended up staying later than expected with Kageyama. When he grabbed his phone from his bag he saw notifications and smiled as he opened them up.
i finally beat the boss
kuroo is making me do hw
he fell asleep on my hw. i'm kicking him out.
The last message had a picture attached showing the corner of Kenma's face and Kuroo passed out on the coffee table. Shouyou laughed feeling a flutter in his stomach. He hadn't actually seen Kenma in so long he was starting to miss his face.
just got out of practice ୧⍢⃝୨ let's video chat tonight!!! ＾ω＾
Shouyou licked his lips, head feeling light as he waited for Kenma's response. A part of him was nervous that Kenma would tell him no. Even though that was unlikely.
Sure.
Rushing home, Shouyou bathed and reheated a quick dinner. He booted up his computer and sent a message to Kenma that he was logging on. Kenma was already online so he called him right away. After the second ring Kenma answered.
Kenma's hair was wet and dripped onto his shirt. He re-dyed his hair not too long back, but his roots were already showing. Shouyou could see the slight bags under Kenma's eyes. He usually had bags when he was in the final battles of a game. Kenma bit his bottom lip and waved.
"Did you finish your homework?" Shouyou waved.
Kenma shook his head, "I'll do it in the morning."
Shouyou smiled, "You're so smart, Kenma! I can't do that. I have to do homework the night of or it's not getting done at all."
Kenma smiled, "So you called to get help on your homework again."
"No," Shouyou felt the flutter in his stomach move to his chest, "I missed you." It came out louder than he was expecting. His nerves making his voice crack a little.
Kenma's cheeks turned pink. He looked away from the screen and mumbled something Shouyou couldn't make out. When he looked back at the screen he smiled, "I missed you too."
Shouyou's smile dropped. The question was on the tip of his tongue, but he didn't know how to actually say it. "Kozume," He threw his hands in the air, "bah! I feel all blam and," he put his hands on his chest. His heart was racing.
"Cute," Kenma pulled his knees up to his chin. He was wearing shorts. Shouyou could see he had some bruises on his legs, most likely from practice. "I feel the same," Kenma hugged his legs.
It was now or never, Shouyou decided. "So," He looked straight into the camera, "I was wondering if you uh," he stopped when he met Kenma's eyes.
Kenma stared at him for a moment, "Shouyou, you wanna do that thing we did last time." He could always see through him.
"Yes!" Shouyou blushed, "Please."
"I do too," Kenma's cheeks turned a bright red.
Shouyou tugged his shirt over his head and tossed it aside. Kenma followed suit, shivering when water dripped onto his exposed shoulders. His nipples were hard, pink nubs that Shouyou wanted to touch. He turned to make sure his bedroom door was locked even though he was the only one awake. This was all still new to him. Shouyou felt the familiar pressure in his stomach starting to build up.
He sat up on his knees, "Can you play with your nipples?"
Kenma rubbed his index fingers over them. He placed one in between his thumb and finger, squeezing it. His eyes fluttered closed and he parted his lips. Shouyou focused in on the small breath that Kenma let out.
Shouyou rubbed himself through his pants.
"Like this?" Kenma rubbed both of his nipples.
"Kozume," Shouyou groaned.
Kenma grinned, blush still high on his cheeks, "Show me what you're doing, Shouyou."
He pushed his computer back so the camera could get his torso. Shouyou paid close attention to the way Kenma watched him, eyes full of excitement. Shouyou pulled his pants off, rushing to free himself. He wrapped his hand around his hard cock and began stroking. He let out a moan, precum already leaking from the head.
He reached over and dug through his nightstand to grab lotion. He rubbed it in his hand and placed it back onto himself. Shouyou could feel himself on the edge, he squeezed his eyes together.
"Shouyou," Kenma panted, his hands were out of the camera's view in his lap, "I want to show you something." He went out of view for a moment and came back with a small bottle in his hand. But Shouyou was more distracted by Kenma slipping out of his shorts. He opened the bottle and poured the substance onto his fingers. He rubbed it over the head of his cock. Kenma moaned, moving his hand over his hard member.
Shouyou continued to stroke himself. Watching, he could hear his heart pounding in his ears. He couldn't look away from the way Kenma stroked himself. Then he turned around and gave Shouyou a full view of his ass.
"Kozume," Shouyou moaned. He held the base of his cock. He didn't want to come just yet.
Sticky fingers reached around as Kenma rubbed his hole. Opening himself up, Kenma stuck his middle finger inside. He moved in and out and then his index finger went in. Shouyou wished he could feel the way Kenma felt inside. Kenma let out a moan, much louder than his other ones. And Shouyou couldn't compose himself any longer. He pumped himself until he was pulsing in his hand, come getting onto his thighs.
"Come," Shouyou panted.
Kenma's hand moved faster. Shouyou could hear him panting out his name. His hand stuttering as he came. Shouyou watched in awe as Kenma removed his fingers from his ass. They both smiled at each other in their afterglow.
Shouyou began to laugh, "Wow. You're so hot!"
Kenma grabbed the shirt he had on and wiped his hands on it.
"I feel like, wow." Shouyou smacked his cheek with his clean hand, "That was real, right?"
Kenma nodded.
Shouyou leaned in, "You're amazing."
Kenma looked down, "You are too."
They smiled at each other. Shouyou could stare at Kenma for the rest of the night if he could. They were both still naked¬¬ and for some reason that was funny to Shouyou.
"Don't you have homework to do?"
Shouyou giggled, "You do too!"
Kenma shook his head, "I have to sleep."
"That's the biggest lie I've ever heard out of your mouth," Shouyou couldn't stop smiling.
"I have to clean up," Kenma held his hands up, "sticky. And that made me really tired."
Shouyou blushed, "Okay, yeah, I should do my homework." He pulled his underwear on, "That was really sexy. I thought my heart was gonna explode the entire time."
"I'm happy I didn't kill you then," Kenma grinned, "you should do that for me next time."
Shouyou froze for a moment, "Next time?"
Kenma nodded.
"Can you show me how?" Shouyou waved his hands up, "Not now! Next time."
"Yeah."
They said goodnight to each other and hung up. After cleaning up Shouyou fell back onto his bed and rolled around. He was so happy. He pulled up his phone and sent a quick message to Kenma.
I had fun (≧▽≦)
He didn't expect a message back. He ignored his homework in favor of crawling under the covers. He heard his phone go off and checked it.
Yuuri has put on some weight and Victor is enjoying Yuuri’s body.
Also on AO3
Victor was beginning to get frustrated. He knew Yuuri lacked self-confidence and he respected days where Yuuri felt too uncomfortable to show off his body. But this had been the fourth time in a week that Yuuri refused to take his shirt off during sex.
Victor loved Yuuri’s body. He loved admiring it from afar on the ice and loved feeling it under his skin. He was in love with Yuuri. So much so that he did not mind sometimes having sex with the lights off or letting Yuuri only have his pants off. But this, whatever this was, was getting ridiculous.
Victor sat up on Yuuri’s thighs and sighed, “I’ve seen you plenty of times, Yuuri. Can I please?” His fingers traced the hem of Yuuri’s baggy sweater.
Yuuri blushed, eyes darting around the room, “I know. It’s just,” Yuuri paused.
“I don’t care if you’ve put on some weight,” Victor leaned down to kiss him, “I just want to feel all of you.”
Yuuri stared up at Victor before finally nodding. He sat up so Victor could pull his sweater off of him. Yuuri wrapped his arms around to shield his chest and stomach from Victor’s wandering eyes.
Victor kissed him on the forehead, “You’re so beautiful.”
Yuuri smiled and let his arms wrap around Victor. Victor kissed down Yuuri’s neck, sucking at the skin. His hands felt up and down Yuuri’s sides. Feeling the soft skin, grazing over the way his body’s curves seemed accentuated. He left his hands on Yuuri’s hips, chubby from being off season.
“So beautiful and all mine,” Victor hummed against Yuuri’s chest.
Yuuri had put on more weight than Victor had realized. Victor licked his lips looking down at Yuuri’s chest. Where muscle used to be was now small breasts. Not big enough to see under a shirt, but big enough to notice the way his nipples seemed larger. Victor’s hands moved up to caress them, fondling them.
Yuuri let out a puff of air, a small moan leaving his mouth. “Victor, what are you?” He let out a gasp as Victor took his nipple into his mouth.
Victor sucked long and hard, teeth sinking into the sensitive flesh. He could feel Yuuris cock twitch against his thigh. Victor kissed his nipple and moved over to the other one, making sure to give it the same amount of love and attention. He sucked on the nipple and kissed the plump skin that surrounded it. He licked and sucked, leaving a splotchy red mark on Yuuri’s skin.
“Victor I’m about to,” Yuuri sounded just as surprised as Victor felt. Neither knowing Yuuri could probably get off on his nipples alone.
Victor kissed down Yuuri’s stomach. Loving how soft it was against his lips. He tugged down Yuuris underwear, tight around his hips.
Yuuri moaned as Victor took him into his mouth. Victor tasted precum on his tongue. He shifted on top of Yuuri, rearranging himself through his boxers. He smiled at the noises Yuuri made. Victor dragged his tongue, flat against Yuuri slowly moving up. He took all of Yuuri into his mouth in one quick motion.
“So close, close, close” Yuuri chanted.
Victor’s hands squeezed Yuuri’s muffin tops. Yuuris cock felt heavy and full in his mouth. Victor pressed his nose further into Yuuri’s groin. He moved his hands up to caress Yuuri’s chest, pinching his nipples. Yuuri bucked against Victor, shoving himself further down Victor’s throat. Victor hummed in encouragement. With another squeeze on his nipples, Yuuri came down Victor’s throat. Twitching and pulsing in Victor’s mouth. Victor swallowed the heavy load, surprised that he even could. Seemed they both learned something new about themselves.
Victor crawled back up to kiss Yuuri on the lips. He laid down next to him while Yuuri caught his breath, satisfied. Yuuri turned to him, smiling, and began to laugh.
“What?” Victor asked.
“I’m wondering what I was afraid of,” Yuuri’s admission was small even in the quiet of the room.
Victor rolled onto his back, “Probably the best sex of your life.”
Yuuri crawled on top of Victor. Victor knew he was doing it on purpose when he grinded against Victor’s still hard cock. “It’s not over yet,” Yuuri kissed down Victor’s stomach.
It was quiet nights that left Yuri curled up alone in bed wishing for something he did not have. It was listening to the small whispers down the hall when Yakov and Lilia thought he was asleep. It was the ache that wouldn’t leave his belly when he had to say bye to Otabek. It was not being able to see his grandfather for weeks.
The feelings were worse when he found himself at practice surrounded by laughter. He busied himself with his phone while he stretched. Trying not to look distracted by Yuuri and Viktor giggling together as they stretched. Anger bubbled under his skin as the two whispered together. Yuuri was red and laughed loud enough to draw more attention to them.
“Gross,” Yuri spat out.
It was gross. It was a gross icky feeling that made him skate until his muscles screamed at him to stop. If it weren’t for Yakov yelling at him to get off the ice.
Yuri took an ice cold shower that night. And once all the lights were off in the house he snuck food he wasn’t allowed to eat into his room. He scrolled through his laptop with his cat by his side. The one comfort he got throughout the day.
He stayed up later than he wanted to. Yuri woke up with a bitter taste in his mouth and a headache. He already hated the way the sun shone through his window. His body still hurt from the day before. And he regretted all the junk food he had in replacement of dinner.
Lilia side-eyed him knowingly as he sat down at breakfast. He ate the plate in front of him. It didn’t taste right on his tongue. His headache had found a permanent home on the right side of his skull. He pressed against his temple to calm to the pounding.
“Your light was on past three,” Yakov watched Yuri.
He was judging him, challenging him to talk back. Yuri got up from his seat and fed the rest of his breakfast to his cat.
The strange urge to cry got caught in his throat. So Yuri put on his shoes and took off jogging. He knew he didn’t have to tell them where he was headed. He wasn’t dumb enough to skip practice.
Yuri made it to the rink later than he would have cared to admit. Mila asked him a question, but he couldn’t hear it over his headache. He grit his teeth together, something of a growl came out in response. Mila patted his back and stepped away. He was thankful she didn’t press anything.
He began his morning stretches, limbs not quite reaching where they usually could. His legs and arms had to be forced into his usual positions. Once on the ice his movements were just as forced. Stiff turns and emotionless step sequences.
Yakov was yelling at him off to the side. Nothing he usually didn’t scream, yet the words bit at Yuri. They sunk under his skin making the hair on his arms stand on end. His headache hadn’t gotten any better. And exhaustion seeped through his body as he dragged his feet on the ice.
He came to a stop in the middle of his routine, anger and that gross feeling mixed together. He let out a scream, “I know! Don’t you think I know?” His breath hitched in his throat and his eyes stung. He was tired, so tired.
When was the last time he slept an entire night? He hadn’t called his grandfather in days. Did Otabek miss him? Why was everyone around him together? What were they laughing about together all the time?
Why was everyone happy?
Yuri was making a scene but he didn’t care. Other skaters had stopped and were watching. Yakov was staring wide eyed at him, almost looking scared.
It didn’t stop the words from tumbling out of Yuri’s mouth, “I know I’m not getting anything right. I’m a worthless, good for nothing skater who thinks he knows it all, right? I’m trying! I,” The tears stopped whatever mouth vomit would come out next.
Yuri’s head hurt, the lights were too bright. His chest hurt, ached, burned. His vision was unfocused. Squeezing his eyes shut he began to panic, “I can’t,” he clutched his head, “I ca-”
Yuuri was the first one to him. He spoke soothing words in a mix of English and Japanese. An art form he must have mastered from years of experience. The first thing Yuri noticed was that he was cold, so he said so and they stood up and got off the ice. Yuri didn’t remember sitting down.
Lilia was next to him pressing a bottle of water into his hands. An odd comforting presence washed over Yuri. He clung to her and cried into her fur coat. She seemed to not mind as an arm came around his back. Yuri knew he was being childish and selfish. But the arm around him squeezed him tighter into the perfume filled hug.
“Grandpa,” Yuri mumbled when his tears and breathing slowed down, “I want Grandpa.” He spoke in Russian but Yuuri seemed to know the words. He gave Yuri his phone to call home.
The other skaters were now back to skating, Yakov yelling at them to focus. Viktor was watching Yuri, ignoring the screams directed at him.
After speaking to his grandfather and telling him that he was okay, Lilia took Yuri home. She had him keep his bedroom door open and made him tea and lunch. Yuri curled up in bed feeling more exhausted than he ever had.
Lilia sat down at the foot of his bed and served him food. She drank the tea in silence with him.
“Sorry,” Yuri was feeling embarrassed.
She looked over her cup of tea, sharp features looking worn. “Yuri,” She set down the cup, “You have so much potential and I have seen you accomplish so much. You are young and what you do is tough.” She looked away for a moment and turned back to him, “We care about you, Yuri. I’m going to speak to your grandfather about setting you up with a professional.”
Yuri swallowed down the tea, “Okay.” He was too tired to argue. Sleep took over him easily after that.
He woke up late in the afternoon to laughter and a delicious smell coming from the kitchen. He walked out with his blanket over his shoulders. Viktor and Yuuri were sitting at the table with Yakov and Lilia. They got quiet when Yuri approached. It made him almost want to retreat back into his room.
“Yurio,” Viktor patted the seat next to him, “We have a surprise.”
Yuuri laughed, “I do all the work but it’s still ‘we,’ huh?”
“Yuuri did most of the work but I was moral support,” Viktor gave Yuuri a quick kiss on the cheek.
Yuri was still standing, staring at the four of them.
“You’ve kept all of us waiting, boy. Come sit down,” Yakov said.
Yuri carefully sat, rearranging the blankets into his lap. Yuuri brought over the food, pork cutlet bowls, that made Yuri’s mouth water.
“Sorry if it tastes funny,” Yuuri told everyone.
“Thank you for the food!” Viktor said in Japanese before digging in.
Yuri felt warm and relaxed. His head still hurt a little, but it was easy to ignore. And he would have to talk to a stranger about everything, which he wasn’t looking forward to. Yuri would still have to go to practice the next day, apologize to everyone and hope nobody told him anything.
They wouldn’t, Yuri knew Yakov wouldn’t allow them to say anything to him. And knowing that made the food taste better.
He was happy in the moment. The ugly feeling still in the back of his mind. But listening to Lilia and Viktor tell embarrassing stories of Yakov made Yuri laugh. And hearing even more embarrassing stories of Viktor from Yakov and Yuuri made him laugh harder. It was a nice feeling.
Yuuri told him goodnight and reminded him he could go to him for anything. Viktor patted his head, ruffling his hair. Before going to bed that night Yuri did the unusual. In the silent of the night, Yuri gave a quick hug to Yakov. Yakov wrapped his arms tightly around Yuri, tighter than Lilia did earlier that day.
Yuri pulled away, face red, and rushed to his room. He let the good feelings consume him for just one night. Feeling a little less lonely, he closed his eyes and tried to get some much needed rest.
The first time Yuri's world turned around was when he was watching Victor Nikiforov ice-skate. He was just twelve years old and in the family room watching TV with his sister. An intense sensation rushed through his head almost knocking him out. His eyes burned and when he put his fingers to them he realized he was crying. His head hurt like a migraine straight from Hell. His mother knelt down next to him, brushing her fingertips through his hair. She was not condescending in the way she asked if he could see it. Not in the way he had heard other adults around the inn talk about it. She was curious. Worry entering her voice as she helped her son sit up. Yuri opened his eyes and could see his mother. She was beautiful. Her brown hair swooped around her tan face. Her eyes were bright and brown, youthful he had heard his father describe. Everything about her screamed warm and loving. Yuri turned back to the TV. Watching Victor waiting for his scores. Victor was an entirely different beautiful. His silver hair was long and elegant as he brushed stray strands back. Adorned on his head was the most vibrant color Yuri thought he would ever see. Blue roses tied into a crown was wrapped around his head. His radiant smile burst with confidence as he proudly displayed his country's colors on his jacket as the score was announce. Yuri had seen his soulmate. Turning to his mother again, he blinked. Eyes adjusting to the new vision. He smiled, "I want to skate competitively." xxx Victor laughed with Chris, taking a sip of champagne. He had almost everything he ever wanted. Friends to spend time with, free liquor, and what he could only take by ear to be another gold under his belt. Victor was a rare case. A man of almost thirty who could still not see in color. Chris would always describe to him in lavishing detail of the beauty the world becomes when he would meet his soulmate. But Victor was beginning to give up on hope. He was beginning to give up on a lot of things. Chris had made a joke and asked Victor if he wanted another drink. Victor smiled and nodded as his friend searched the room to find more champagne, or maybe something stronger. He continued to walk and say hi to his rink mates. Congratulating them and accepting their congratulations in return. It was all so formal, so stiff. He enjoyed the company, but after such a long competition he grew tired. He laughed to himself, the passing thought of his age coming into question. He looked around the room, seeing a small circle forming in one corner. Victor searched for Chris in the crowd. He heard someone cheer and thought it was odd. Curious, he walked to the circle excusing himself through. Reaching the front he was taken aback by the sight before him. Victor had taken many falls on his face in his youth, especially on the ice. None of them compared to the searing pain that attacked his eyes. He gripped his forehead to try to ease the pain. A hand pressed against his back and when he looked up he saw Chris, looking down at him. Victor could only stare up at him, his friend. His blond friend. Color stared down on him through worried green, Victor could almost swear they might even be brown eyes. He was beyond ecstatic. Victor grinned, wide. He knew tears were welling up in his eyes, and he forced them back down. Finally. Victor turned to where the audience held their attention. To the two Yuri's dancing together, and the Yuri from Japan who gave him this beautiful site. What Chris had described to him did not do it justice. Yuri Katsuki was heaven on Earth. His white shirt was unbuttoned and his black tie was loosened. He wore black pants and Victor could only wonder what happened to the matching suit that went with it. His brown hair was short and showed the most beautiful brown eyes. "Victor!" Yuri Katsuki from Japan called out to him. Victor did not know what to do. He stared down at the man who reached out to grip onto his wrists. Yuri smiled up at him, obviously a little drunk. His English was heavily accented, making it difficult for Victor to understand him. Yuri let out a laugh and Victor swore even that had colors to it, "Dance with me!" Victor couldn't say no to that. xxx Victor's fingertips rubbed circles against Yuri's side. He slipped them under Yuri's shirt. He had been awake much longer than Yuri, just enjoying the morning light coming through their windows. Even after all this time he still loved seeing the different colors that lit up his room. That lit up his life. The white walls decorated with brown picture frames. Artwork that was just colors splashed against a white canvas. Green cacti in orange pots on the windowsill that Yuri loved so much. Their bookshelves were littered with magazines Yuri collected that had interviews of Victor's in them next to Victor's favorite novels and movies. The light hit their silken red sheets in a way that made Victor's heart race. Yuri stirred awake and smiled at Victor. Yuri kissed him, eyes still blinking the sleep away. Victor kissed his forehead and pulled him closer. His brown hair smelled like sweat from being under the covers in the summer heat, but that did not stop Victor from kissing the top of his head. Yuri kissed his collarbone and mumbled against his skin. Victor hummed back, "I love you more." "I was twelve and you turned my world into this," Yuri's hand moved to Victor's cheek. Victor kissed the palm of his hand, "I loved you the moment I saw you." "I waited eleven years for you," Yuri scooted up to the pillow next to Victor. Victor's hand remained on Yuri's waist. His other found Yuri's hand and held it under the covers. Yuri pulled it up and kissed his knuckles, "Did you know that?" Victor shook his head. Yuri was always full of surprises. Victor loved that about Yuri. "That's a long time," Victor rolled onto his back, "I'd given up on soulmates." Yuri cuddled up to his side. They laid in silence. Victor knew what he was doing. Yuri was taking in the room around them. Appreciating what they weren't able to before. "I think we should paint the walls," Yuri said. Victor sat up, bringing Yuri with him, "Oh!" He cooed, "I was thinking a red or maybe even lavender." Victor looked around the room, "Something that matches the art or the shelves." Yuri sighed, "I've created a monster." Victor pulled him back down onto the bed in a tight embrace. Victor kissed him deep and full on the lips. He pulled away with a big gasp, "Luscious purple would look beautiful against my skin." "A monster," Yuri pulled him into another kiss.
Haru went over to help Makoto with some homework. As they were sitting at the coffee table, textbook and papers scattered about, Haru leaned in. Close enough to smell the scent of cheap soap on Makoto. It was distracting enough.
Haru brushed his lips against Makoto's cheek. Makoto smiled at him, but continued scribbling in his journal. So Haru pushed his way in between Makoto and the table. Crawling into Makoto's lap, Haru kissed him.
"Break time?" Makoto smiled into the kiss.
Haru nodded. He kissed down Makoto's neck. Licking and sucking on the soft skin. Leaving red marks that wouldn't bruise.
Makoto pulled away slightly. He nuzzled his forehead against Haru's. Haru could feel Makoto's fingers creep up the back of his shirt. Gently brushing against his lower back. Haru looked into Makoto's eyes to see a lustful gaze staring back at him.
"I want Haru-chan," Makoto whispered. The comment would have embarrassed him when they were younger.
Haru pulled Makoto into a deep kiss. Opening his mouth so Makoto could kiss and lick inside of it.
He felt Makoto's hand travel further up his shirt. Hand rubbing against his back and the other drifting to the front. Makoto tweaked Haru's nipple. Haru sighed at the touch. Makoto pulled Haru's shirt completely off. He kissed down Haru's chest, sucking on the skin around his nipple before putting it into his mouth.
Haru kissed the top of Makoto's head. He could already feel how hard Makoto was even through jeans. He was already hard. Haru circled his hips on Makoto's lap and pressed down.
Makoto moaned and sucked harder. Haru bucked his hips, grinding against the denim between them.
That made Makoto lose his patience. He lifted Haru onto the table and scrambled up to the dresser where he kept condoms and lube. Haru pulled off his pants and waited for Makoto.
Makoto sat back down and pulled Haru's jammers off in one quick motion. Haru's teasing always made him a little on the rough side. Haru lifted his legs over Makoto's shoulders to give him easier access.
He gasped when he felt a lubed finger enter him. He stared up at Makoto with his mouth hanging open. Makoto paid attention to his face as he stuck another finger in. He wrapped his other hand around the base of Haru's cock. Slowly pumping, thumb against Haru's tip.
Haru let out a shaky breath. He could easily come like this. With his legs in the air and the smell of Makoto's cheap soap. But Makoto knew he didn't want to come like this.
Makoto pulled away from him. Haru caught his breath. Listening to the sound of Makoto's zipper and a condom wrapper being opened. It wasn't long before Makoto was pushing the tip of his hot, swollen cock against Haru's hole that was wet with lube.
In one quick thrust, Makoto was all the way inside Haru. Haru's legs shook on Makoto's shoulders. Makoto groaned and kissed Haru's leg. He pulled out to the tip before plunging right back in again.
Haru stuttered out an airy, "Makoto."
Makoto pushed Haru's legs back as he leaned in closer. Their faces could barely touch. But Haru could feel Makoto's hot and heavy breath against his lips. Chanting out his name with every shallow thrust.
Haru heard the soft thud and flutter of the textbook and papers falling to the floor. Papers crumpled against his skin as Makoto drove him harder against the table.
Makoto grabbed onto his cock again. His hand was still slick with lube as he pumped Haru to orgasm. Haru gasped and shook under Makoto.
He could feel Makoto's cock twitch inside of his stretched and abused hole. Makoto closed his eyes and mouthed Haru's name.
He pulled out and fell onto his back, exhausted. Haru didn't blame him. He could barely move. There was a pencil digging into his back that was easy to ignore. They both took a minute to collect their breath.
The room was silent. The digital clock beeped signaling that it was already ten. Haru could still smell Makoto, stronger now but overpowered by the stale smell of sex.
Haru sat up, papers falling off of his sweaty skin. He laid down on the floor next to Makoto. Makoto turned to him and smiled. His cheeks were red, and his eyes sparkled the way they always seemed to after intimacy.
Haru felt completely exposed being the only one naked. He didn't know what to do. He felt like he should be doing something under Makoto's amazing watch. So he smiled.
And then Makoto was giggling. His hand was trying to muffle the sound. But it only seemed to make him laugh harder. Haru couldn't help the bubbly feeling of laughter in his own throat as well. He covered his mouth and let himself go.
Haru and Makoto laughed, spent, on the floor. Makoto's homework forgotten about for the night. Hands out, holding onto one another. Completely exposed.
The name ungracefully fell out of Sousuke's mouth. Haru softly hushed him. Crawling back up to be face to face to Sousuke. Haru placed a soft kiss on his lips.
Sousuke wrapped his arms around Haru and pulled him closer. Feeling exposed as he grinded against the rough denim of Haru's jeans. He let out a small gasp which was muffled by another firm kiss.
Haru grinned and went back down below the sheets. He kissed and licked Sousuke's thighs earning high pitched (much higher than Sousuke would admit) moan. Sousuke gripped at the sheets around him as he felt Haru suck on the sensitive skin on the inside of his thighs. Leaving bigger bruises than what was left before.
Sousuke pulled the covers up to try and get a better view of Haru. Only to toss them over his head, leaving his legs exposed. He couldn't stay focused with the way Haru was moving his mouth from thigh to thigh. Inching closer to his hard, dripping cock.
"Haru," Sousuke moaned again.
And, again, Haru hushed him. Warning him to be quiet so they wouldn't get caught. Knowing full well that people were on the other side of the door.
Haru licked up his balls, sucking. Sousuke couldn't help but buck and moan at the sensation. Stomach tightening with his oncoming release. He panted, willing his voice to quiet down, as Haru worked his way to Sousuke's dick. Aching to be touched and licked.
Haru wasted no time licking and sucking at his cock. Sousuke's body tensed up as he focused on the movements of Haru's tongue. Dancing and swirling against his tip. Haru brought his hand up to Sousuke's balls and massaged them. Saliva dripping down, making it easier for Haru to pump his other hand at his shaft.
He could feel himself coming already. The heat from under the covers felt blazing hot. Sousuke could feel sweat across his brow, but couldn't find it in himself to care. He placed his hand on the back of Haru's head, gripping at his hair.
The only noise was the soft slurping noises that came from Haru. Sousuke was always silent when he came. The only warning he gave was the tightening grip he had in Haru's hair. Haru swallowed all of his release. Holding his hips down as he cleaned him up with his mouth.
Sousuke tried catching his breath. Haru slid back up and pulled the sheets over their heads. He stared at Sousuke, lust and affection in his eyes.
Sousuke snorted. He ran his hand against the front of Haru's tight jeans, erection straining through them.
"Can't let you one up me like that," Sousuke whispered.
For a moment, Haru looked surprised. But he grinned when Sousuke unzipped his pants.
Rin stared up the hill that led to his house. He watched moths buzz around a flickering street light. Blinking when the sting from staring at the light became too much. He tightened his grip on the bag of groceries in his hand and took a deep breath in. It was a long walk home.
The chilly spring night cooled his bones. He mentally cursed himself for not wearing a warmer jacket. Wrapping his arms around himself he trudged up the road home. To his home.
To his house.
The one he shared with Haruka.
Up the stairs that were beginning to fall apart from years of being neglected of upkeep and care. From years of being stepped on. Rin took his time walking up each step. Calling out to the stray cats that surrounded the house. None came out of their hiding place, but Rin took notice of the food bowl that was empty.
The door was unlocked. He untied his shoes and placed them next to Haru's. Walking further into the house, he set the bag down at the table.
Various beer cans and bottles of Shōchū littered the floor. Rin calmly picked the trash up while a variety show played on the television in the background.
The house was just as cold as it was outside. The house he shared with Haruka. The home. Their home. The home that used to be filled with so much joy and laughter. Comfortable silences, yelling, food being cooked.
Rin remembered a time when he would run home as excited as a puppy. After spending the day bragging to his coworkers about his beautiful partner. And they would eye his homemade lunchbox, jealousy in their eyes. Rin would swing the door open and Haru would be there telling him to wipe that dumb smile off his face.
And Rin would laugh and ask him for a kiss. Which Haru would give to him before preparing a hot bath. And they'd spend the night together watching television. Rin would talk through most of Haru's dramas. But Haru never seemed to mind.
Now Rin was lucky if Haru was even in the living room when he got home. He was lucky if Haru was even awake, coherent enough to know that he was there. Rin was lucky if he was sober.
When did Rin take hours to come home?
When did Rin clean before looking to see where Haru was?
When did his life become... this?
Rin sat down on the floor and glared at the grocery bag. He bought mackerel and various vegetables that he thought looked good. But from the absence of Haru he figured he wasn't going to get to eat anytime soon.
He heard the slosh of the bathtub in the other room. Followed by a clatter, things hitting porcelain.
Rin wondered for a second if Haru fell into the tub. Counting the bottles he collected in the trash it wouldn't be shocking if Haru had passed out in the water. He couldn't find it in his heart to care. And that frightened him more than anything.
Rin stood up to go check on Haru. He paused before sliding the bathroom door open. A thought crossed his mind to just leave. Leave Haru, leave their house. Just leave. Run away.
He gritted his teeth together and walked in. Haru was sitting in the bath, head drooping on the edge of the porcelain. Lethargically, he lifted his head. Rin stared into Haru's bloodshot eyes. Dulled and filled with sadness.
Rin was angry. Angry at Haru. Angry at himself.
Haru had it all. And this was how he repaid the world. Sitting in a tub, drunkenly knocking everything over. Making Rin clean up after him on a daily basis. Taking away Rin's sanctuary.
And Rin knew Haru wasn't happy.
He had watched Haru cry countless times. Sometimes over this. Sometimes over the past.
"I'm sorry," He would cry out.
And Rin found as those words were stretched out he cared less. Rin just stopped caring. His heart wasn't in it anymore. It wasn't in anything anymore.
Years ago, before all of this happened, Rin was happy. Both Haru and him had competed in 4 Olympic games. They were stars, legends even. The sport world loved to talk about them. The power couple who was out to the world. The couple who took on not only the water, but took on those who hated them as well.
They were legends.
Were.
Rin was a legend.
Haru was a legend.
Rin would laugh watching their interviews. He was always overconfident, too proud, and bold. While Haru only half-assed the entire interview. He never paid attention, only looked around and answered when he felt necessary. Now Rin would watch those interviews with bitterness in his heart.
Haru had injured himself before their last game. He decided to swim on a meniscal tear, which wouldn't have been a problem if he was treated for it when his knee first began to ache. The ending resulted in Haru having to stop swimming.
"The water doesn't accept me anymore," He told Rin one day. It was after a shared bottle of wine. They sat, lazily kissing each other in the tub.
After all that fame and glory they fell back into mediocre lives. Rin worked at the swim club, teaching the kids. And Haru spent most of his time drifting back and forth between the house and physical therapy.
He was living in pain, Rin knew. And at first Haru was okay. Finding comfort in pain medicine and nice dinners. Comfort in being with Rin. And Rin tried to make him feel better by offering massages. And he would read to him whatever book he was reading.
Haru started off with a few glasses of wine a night. Some nights he had beer. Rin would get home from work and Haru would hold a glass out to him, which he would accept. Then it went downhill from there.
Rin would come home from work to Haru giggling as he handed him a glass of wine. Drinking from the bottle himself.
Then Rin would wait to come home and go out to eat with work friends. Only to come home to Haru passed out in front of the television. Bottles scattered around him.
It was his life now.
It was rare that Haru bathed without Rin's help. But when he did it meant that he was in a mood. Nostalgic and self deprecating. Feeling lost and uncertain, maybe a little scared.
Haru stared up at Rin as he lifted him from the tub. Toweling him dry and slipping him into a clean pair of boxers.
Haru stumbled against Rin, wrapping his arms around him in the process. And Rin hugged him back. Nuzzling his chin into Haru's damp hair. Rin breathed in, slowly, and tried to remember what they used to be.
This was home.
Rin used to be at home.
He tightened his embrace around Haru. Feeling the soft flutter of his heart he still got after all of these years. Even now with Haru completely fucked up. He still loved him.
And he hated himself for it.
He hated Haru for it.
As he scooped Haru up bridal style to walk to his room, Haru held on. Rin was pulled down onto the bed when Haru refused to let go of his hug.
Sighing, Rin held him longer. He could feel Haru tremble beneath him. Could hear his breathing loud against his ear. Rin felt his eyes burn. The threat of tears escaping to expose him of how weak he was.
"You're late," Haru mumbled.
Rin rolled them over, gently, "Sorry."
Sorry for being late. Sorry for not being strong enough to help him. Sorry for existing. Sorry for enabling. Sorry for not being better.
Rin kissed Haru's forehead.
Haru kissed Rin's chin and moved down. Struggling to pull off Rin's shirt. Rin took it off and tossed it onto the floor. Knowing full well this wouldn't go anywhere. Haru was already dozing off as he kissed his chest.
Haru laid his head against Rin's stomach. Rin ran his fingers in Haru's hair and waited for him to fall asleep. Listening to the dark empty house as the only sounds to hear were him and Haru's breathing. He focused on breathing with him. Finding comfort in the one thing they were able to share.
"I love you," Haru spoke. His words were slurred and slow.
Rin closed his eyes, "I love you too."
And he meant it.
And he hated it.
Because years ago those words would bounce of the walls. Bright and cheery, maybe with a little laugh. Sometimes yelled through the thin walls of the house. Most of the time they were whispered beneath the sheets, against his neck, into his ear.
I love you. I love you. I lost you.
Rin ran his fingertips on the back of Haru's shaking, frail hand. Haru wrapped his fingers around Rin's. He squeezed onto Rin's hand and scooted up so that they were face to face. Haru kissed him again and rolled to the side.
Haru squeezed his eyes together and groaned.
Rin sat up and stared wide eyed, concern flooding his heart, "You feel sick?"
Haru nodded and turned to his side. Rin rubbed his back in an attempt to comfort him. A small pang of guilt in his mind knowing that he was smart enough to already have an empty trash can on Haru's side of the bed. But at the same time he never tried to get Haru any help.
He was getting tired of this routine. It was so hard. He lost Haru after that last match that screwed him over. He lost Haru in just a short amount of time. And Rin found that he was losing himself too.
He used to have dreams, goals. And once he achieved them he fell blindly into what was the now. Loving Haru to the point of exhaustion.
If this was love.
Rin guessed in a way it was. A friend helping another friend. A friend hurting another friend. They hurt each other in an endless cycle of abuse and depression. It was unhealthy, Rin knew that. And it made his body tremble and his bones ache. And it made him think about running away.
But he was weak now. Too dependent on Haru.
Haru rolled back over to face Rin again. A sign that he was no longer feeling nauseous. He couldn't keep his eyes open, but still reached out to Rin.
"Have you eaten?" Rin rubbed his cheeks.
Haru shook his head. He tried sitting up but fell back onto the bed. Rin helped him up and out of the bed. And even with Rin's help Haru still managed to stumble and trip over himself. Staggered movements that were only seen in those who were truly in pain.
They barely made it out of the room before Haru was falling onto his knees. Hacking up bile onto the wooden floors.
And Rin could only watch because what else was he to expect at this point. He waited until Haru was finished throwing up the last of what was left in his empty stomach before pulling him back up. He led Haru back into their bedroom and laid him back down.
He hurried downstairs to fill a glass with water. Glaring down the bag of fish and vegetables he had originally brought home which sat, taunting him, at the table. He ran back up to their room, stepping over the vomit as he went.
He walked into their bedroom to Haru taking a swig from a half empty bottle of vodka. One that he probably hid from Rin. Because Rin had a very strict rule of no drinking in their bedroom. That was their space. It was their sanctuary.
Rin felt the anger that he first had when walking into the house rise again. He ran over to the bed and grabbed the bottle out of Haru's hand, ignoring as it sloshed onto his arm.
"What the hell are you doing?" Rin's voice was exasperated and shaky.
"I was," Haru mumbled, "It makes me feel better."
Rin shoved the glass of water into his hands and watched Haru drink it.
"Go to bed," Rin finally said.
Haru tossed the now empty glass of water to the side, "Rin." He reached out to him.
And Rin took a step back. Slightly liberated, but mostly guilty, he spoke, "Goodnight, Haru."
Haru laid down without another word.
Rin tightened his hold onto the bottle in his hand as he watched how Haru so easily fell asleep. His breathing steady, snoring louder than it used to be. Rin's own breathing hurried, his body in fight or flight mode.
So he ran. He ran out of their bedroom and stepped over the vomit, knowing full well it could wait to be cleaned. He went to the one room in the house where he could reconnect with the part of himself he had lost.
Their trophy room. The room which used to be Haru's old bedroom. A study which was now full of their awards, pictures of their achievements. A room full of memories. A room full of his lost self.
He traced over the pictures framing their lifetime achievements. The only light coming from the moon that shone brightly through the window. He went from their last won Olympic game all the way back to their picture taken as children. Awards shining bright against their necks. Gold and silver hanging behind a case. Just out of reach, just barely there. Just a memory.
Rin caught his reflection in the glass. His eyes were tired, his face was sunken in. He paused for a bit. His focus moving from his sad face to the trophy in the case. The first one he won together with Haru. Standing tall on the shelf he clearly remembers Haru building.
Turning away from the glass window he stared down at the bottle in his hands. Glaring at it as if it had destroyed his perfect, beautiful life. And took a swig from it, feeling the way it burned down his throat. Not curing the ache in his chest, but deepening it.
His eyes burned, but with this he could blame the alcohol. He could blame it for the pain it had caused him. And as he sunk to the floor, finishing off the bottle, he cried. Openly sobbing, cursing the alcohol that burned his throat. Rin cursed the night sky. He cursed the now.
Rin sobbed and hurled the bottle against the wall. Listening to it shatter. Heaving, desperate to catch his breath. Body shaking, mind clouded and angry. Rin could only cry. Rin could only blame himself.
"Haru stared up in awe. Eyes and mouth wide open to the show Makoto was putting on. Feeling everything Makoto was doing to her."
This was how Haru liked Makoto. Begging, twitching, moaning. All underneath her.
Haru pushed her fingers deep inside of Makoto. Rubbing her insides slowly, listening to the airy moan that Makoto drawled out. She moaned under her touch as she jerked her fingers up. Circling inside of her. Haru sighed at the sight in front of her.
Makoto was spread out and completely nude. Large breasts bouncing as she jerked her hips forward and back in sync with Haru's hand. Her hands covering her flushed face. All while she panted and moaned out Haru's name over and over again.
Haru drifted her own hand down into her panties. Circling her clit with her finger as she moved her fingers inside of Makoto. Watching Makoto react to her touch.
Makoto let out a soft whimper when she pulled away. Haru smiled as she slipped out of her underwear. Makoto got the hint and turned around to position herself on top.
Now her ass faced Haru as she went down to lick Haru. Haru groaned as Makoto slipped her fingers into her slick pussy. Slowly pumping in and out of her. Tongue grazing across her clit. Haru bucked into her mouth. Panting, spreading Makoto's cheeks apart with her hands.
Makoto sucked long and hard on Haru's clit. Fingers working fast inside of her. Pumping, circling, curving. Other hand massaging her hips and stomach. Urging her on to come. Fingers brushing against her pubes, reassuring. Makoto licked at her.
Haru stared up in awe. Eyes and mouth wide open to the show Makoto was putting on. Feeling everything Makoto was doing to her.
She pushed her fingers into Makoto who had her legs spread above her face. Haru moaned, feeling Makoto around her fingers and at her clit. Haru was close to orgasm. Rocking her hips, involuntarily. Feeling the pressure boil in the bottom of her gut.
She called out to Makoto, pressing her fingers deeper inside of her to hear Makoto scream. All causing herself to come. Pussy tightening, clenching around Makoto's fingers. Her tongue still sucking at her clit at her release.
Haru laid in bliss. She almost forgot she was trying to please Makoto as well.
Haru pulled Makoto's hips closer to her. Getting this full view of Makoto made her feel like she could come all over again. She swallowed as she spread her fingers open, pushing deeper inside.
Makoto groaned, rubbing her hips against Haru. Grinding against her, teasing as she brushed against her face.
"Sit up," Haru finally said.
Makoto did as she was told. Haru could still feel her hesitance as she sat straight up onto Haru's face. She was thicker, had a little bit more muscle, and she was always self-conscious of her size. Especially when it came to Haru.
Haru smiled, kissing the inside of Makoto's thigh. She slowly liked up until she reached Makoto's entrance. She circled her glistening hole, all ready and prepped for her tongue to slide into. Haru pushed her tongue in, slowly at first.
Her hands grasped at Makoto's thighs. She moved, adamantly, working on Makoto. Who fell apart above her. She sighed and twitched, hips rocking back and forth on Haru's tongue.
"I wanna come," Makoto moaned.
Haru pulled Makoto down onto her face. She licked at her clit, sucking and humming. She felt Makoto's hips buck against her chin. Haru released her grip on Makoto and brought her fingers down under her. Slipping inside her warm, hot pussy.
Makoto let out a loud cry. Haru pushed in deeper. Mouth still sucking at her clit as she fucked Makoto with her hand. Makoto rode her face with her cheeks ablaze. Haru slapped at her ass, reddening it to match her face.
That was enough to make Makoto come. She squirted, warm and hot, onto Haru. Moaning and groaning, sobbing out Haru's name on repeat. She rode out her orgasm. Haru licked up what she could, letting the rest hit wherever it did onto her face.
Kissing Makoto's abused pussy, Haru helped Makoto off of her face. Smiling when Makoto looked embarrassed about her mess.
"So sexy," Haru rolled on top of Makoto.
Makoto kissed Haru. Finally smiling, kissing her as she pleased.
"Again," Haru whispered against Makoto's lips.
And Makoto followed through. Kissing down Haru's smooth stomach. Earning a very please moan above.
Fighting, Crying, and the Cruel Realizations of Never Being Good Enough
Rinharu
Rated: M (Sexual content)
Rin and Haru fight. Make-up sex ensues as do tears.
They hadn't had a fight in years. Sure they got annoyed at each other, but it always ended with Rin crying or Haru giving a gift. Those were small arguments, not even worth most of the yelling they got. Like who forgot to take out the trash or why was all the hot water gone. It was nothing they couldn't just talk about and get over it.
And this fight, well, it could be talked about. But Rin felt like he would never get over it. Because this time Haru hurt him and he hurt Haru. And now he was wandering through the town market. Brooding through the crowds of people. He paused at the fish before continuing his walk. He didn't even bring his wallet in his rush to get out. He was still feeling so frustrated.
None of this would have happened if Rin hadn't opened his stupid mouth. Everything was going so well. He and Haru were enjoying a nice, rare lazy day in bed. And Rin had to let his emotions speak for him.
As he wrapped his arm around Haru's waist, he kissed his ear. Nibbling at his lobe earning a soft moan in return. He kissed him, slowly. Feeling Haru was like being in the water again. Embracing him was like being consumed by warmth. Haru felt like home. Haru was home.
Haru turned around to face Rin. Eyes wide, teasing him with a hint of a smile. He placed his hand on Rin's hip, circling his fingertips against his skin. Moving down to his thigh, squeezing it just to hear Rin gasp.
"I love you," Rin whispered.
Haru pulled Rin into a tight hug. Clinging onto him as if his life depended on it. It was rare that Haru was clingy and Rin wanted to take full advantage of it.
He could feel Haru's chest moving against his. And the soft brush of Haru's lips against his neck. Haru even smelled a little like him. A side effect to spending the early hours making out.
Haru moved so he was looking at Rin again. He kissed his nose making Rin giggle. And then kissed his lips.
And that was when Rin felt like it would be the right time to bring this up. He had been thinking about it by himself for a while now. And Haru was feeling extra loving today. He would be open to what Rin had to say.
"Hey," He brushed Haru's hair back. It was getting longer, the bangs almost reached where they were back in high school.
Haru kissed Rin's hand, smiling into it.
"Let's have a kid," Rin blurted out.
The way Haru recoiled from him was enough of an answer. But then Haru had to ask, "Why?"
Which made Rin's blood boil. Why wouldn't he be thinking about it? They were already in their thirties. They had been together for over ten years now. They had a life together. They loved each other.
Rin brought these points up to Haru.
"A child is a lot of work," Haru reminded. As if Rin hadn't considered the amount of time it would take to nurture and care for a child. As if Rin thought having a child was like getting a dog.
"You don't have to be so insensitive, " Rin got up and dug through their drawer for his boxers. "If you don't want kids with me then-"
"I'm not saying that," Haru sat up and glared at Rin.
Rin let out a loud sigh. Because he knew his morning was fucked now. And he had been the one to fuck it up.
"Isn't what we have enough?" Haru had the nerve to look upset, sad even.
And it escalated from there. Words were thrown around. Ugly words. Years of not fighting finally caught up to them. All those small annoyances came out. Rin left when he got fed up with it all. He caught a glimpse of Haru's eyes, misty and angry, as he slammed the door in his face.
Now Rin was feeling cold. He wanted to go back home. But it had only been half an hour. That would be giving in way too easily.
But maybe this was showing Haru how not ready for a child he was. Running out of the house whenever he pleased. Yelling and making rash decisions as if he were twenty. Rin wanted to work this out with Haru. He really did. But more importantly he wanted to be back home.
He trudged back home in defeat.
Rin opened the door and called out to Haru. When he didn't get a response he went straight to the bathroom to find Haru soaking in the tub.
"That was fast," Haru looked up at Rin. The corners of his eyes were puffy, red-rimmed. The only signs that gave away that he was crying.
Haru kneeled down next to him and pulled him into a tight hug. He let out his own sob.
"I'm still mad at you," Rin said into Haru's wet hair.
Haru remained silent and instead stripped Rin of his shirt. Rin stepped out of his pants and into the tub. He leaned back against Haru's chest.
Haru wrapped his arms tightly around him. He traced his fingertips along the insides of Rin's thighs. Tickling the skin so Rin squirmed. But Rin didn't move away. He clung onto Haru's knees. He let out a moan as Haru wrapped his hand around Rin's cock.
"Haru," Rin moaned.
Haru pumped at him. Slowly, fingers squeezed tight as Rin bucked his hips. Rubbing back against Haru, Rin felt Haru's dick pressed into his back.
Rin sat up and turned around. He climbed into Haru's lap, sob dwindling down to a sniffle. He kissed Haru hard on the lips.
They arranged themselves so that they could rub against each other. Rin felt warm all over again. Even in the now cold water. He could feel Haru's hands spread his cheeks apart. Fingers poking at his entrance.
Haru kissed his teary eyelids that Rin didn't realize he had squeezed shut.
"Bed," Haru whispered and Rin nodded.
They stood up and didn't bother to dry off. Rin laid down on the bed, ignoring that he was getting the sheets soaked. He pulled Haru down on top of him. Haru kissed his forehead and moved down to his stomach. Kissing and sucking at the sensitive skin.
Rin moaned when Haru wasted no time getting to his dick. Sucking and licking at his hard cock. Rin pulled at Haru's hair, spreading his legs wider. Haru looked up at him and, with a smile, lifted Rin's legs up.
Rin reached up to the bedside table for the lube. Haru kissed his thigh and grabbed the bottle. Rin hooked his arms around the back of his knees.
Haru squeezed lube onto his exposed hole. Surprising Rin by slipping his tongue inside instead of his fingers. Rin moaned at the intrusion, rocking his hips into the touch. Haru kissed his hole, spreading the lube around. Circling his entrance before diving right back in.
And Rin felt an intense amount of emotion from the act. Soft, delicate touch all meant for Rin. And he was beginning to realize that Haru was scared. He was scared of losing Rin. Haru wasn't being the insensitive one. They both were.
Rin groaned when Haru stuck two fingers into him. He licked inside of him and stretched him open. Rin felt empty when he pulled out of him completely.
He watched Haru lube himself up, slowly pumping himself as he stared down at Rin. Rin reached his hand out and Haru grasped it. Holding it as he slid inside in one thrust.
Haru moaned and kissed Rin. He moved fast. Hips circling and jerking in and out of Rin. Pressed all the way in, pounding against his sweet spot. Rin felt his orgasm fast. He had his legs wrapped tightly around Haru's hips, shaking at his sides. With his free hand, Haru pumped Rin's dick.
"With me," Haru groaned out.
Rin nodded, feeling the stutter of Haru's hips. Haru pushed all the way into him, coming inside. Rin let out a loud scream as he came. His focus on Haru filling him up. Haru above him, panting and littering his face with soft kisses.
Haru pulled out slowly. Rin turned to the side so that they were both facing each other. And Haru's hand drifted back down to Rin's hip. They allowed the moment to simmer down.
Before Rin could talk, Haru spoke. "Why do you want a child?" His voice was soft and unsure. He averted his eyes from Rin.
Rin could hear his heartbeat, "I want to have a child with you." He placed a hand on Haru's cheek.
Haru looked him in the eyes, brow furrowed, "How do you know you're even ready for that?"
"I've thought about it a lot."
"There's legal work involved."
Rin blushed, "I've actually..."
Haru nodded. Because of course Rin would have already looked into it before bringing it up. He knew the course of action to take.
Haru knocked his forehead onto Rin. Rin closed his eyes and pulled him into a hug.
"I'm sorry," Haru said.
And that scared Rin. Because Haru never said he was sorry. Instead of saying sorry Haru would always buy gifts, cook fancy dinners, or treat Rin to a nice date night. Rin honestly didn't even know Haru could say sorry.
"Me too," Rin said.
Because he knew how difficult it was to deal with him sometimes. Especially when he got angry. And he still felt bad for making Haru cry (even if Haru would never admit to it).
Haru turned around so that they were spooning now. Rin curled up against him, kissing the back of his neck.
"How do you know," Haru asked.
Rin sat up so that he could get a better look at Haru's face. But Haru pushed his face into the pillow. Whatever he said was muffled.
"Haru," Rin coaxed him to look back up. "Babe, c'mon," He went in to tickle Haru's sides.
Giggling, Haru turned back around to breathe. He pouted at Rin. But at least now he was looking up at the ceiling and not talking into the bed.
"You'd make a great father," Haru said.
Rin felt his eyes swell up with tears he thought he was over. "You would too," He choked out.
Haru shook his head.
"How do you know that?" Rin frowned.
"I've thought about it," Haru didn't know the effect those words had on Rin.
Haru had thought about having children. Probably with Rin. Maybe it was a daydream. Or maybe it was something Haru himself had looked into before.
"I wouldn't know how," Haru continued.
Rin laid back down and looked up at the ceiling with Haru, "Nobody really knows how to parent. Like, there's no right way."
"They would like you more," Haru pouted.
Rin laughed, "Oh, please! They would always be asking you to take them swimming. And to cook them delicious meals!" Rin thought for a moment before adding, "You would let them get away with anything."
Haru looked offended, "No I wouldn't." He was silent for a moment before saying, "You'd cry every time you'd have to punish them."
Rin laughed, "Nah."
The room fell quiet again. Haru reached his hand out and Rin grabbed it. Rin was finally feeling better and he could tell that Haru was too. Rin could feel himself drifting off to sleep. After a long week and waking up early in the morning, he was feeling tired. The fight and the sex and worn him out.
He thought Haru was feeling the same way. But then Haru squeezed his hand and Rin could hear him shuffling under the covers, still damp from their bath, to face him.
"So," Haru's voice was soft as if it were coming from out of a dream, "a boy or a girl?"
Rin sat straight up and looked down, smiling wide at Haru.
The same Haru he had known his entire life. The Haru that he swam with. The Haru he grew with. Grew apart from. And then got swept back up together. This was the Haru that he loved. The Haru he shared a life with. The Haru that he fought with. The Haru he wanted to grow old and wrinkly with. This was the Haru he wanted to have a child with.
Rei’s brother is in town and Rei does not like it one bit.
Rei was trying. He always put the best effort into his studies now that swim season was over and exam season was starting. His last year of high school was supposed to be stressful, he reminded himself. He was trying.
His brother, Kyou, decided to visit. Kyou, who never had to try. Kyou, who was able to get a full scholarship on his grades alone to one of the top universities in Tokyo. Kyou, who graduated top of his class and two years early. Kyou, who never took anything seriously and somehow managed to get accepted into medical school.
Rei was trying really hard to ignore the way Kyou decided to waltz back into his life. Interrupting his own study time to laugh and brag about his achievements. A wave of nausea hitting Rei as Kyou talked to their parents. Their parents were always so invested in Kyou's life.
As Rei sat at the dinner table with his family he bristled with jealousy he would never admit to. He could only sit in silence as his brother rambled on, always the talker, to impress their parents. And as usual his banter was working its charm.
"So what have you been up to, kid?" His brother leaned in to steal a piece of fish from Rei's plate without asking.
"Studying for exams," Rei answered sharply.
Rei caught the glint in Kyou's eye as he spoke, "Why? With your grades you can't be expecting to get into a top university."
And with those words Rei wasn't feeling hungry anymore. He pushed his plate to the side.
"Kyou, your brother has been working very hard." Their mom smiled at Rei.
Which Rei was thankful for. It eased the sick feeling in his stomach. His legs shook under the table, itching for a run. Maybe he'd go on one. He would just have to excuse himself.
Oh ̶ but his brother was right about his grades. He would need near top scores to get into a good school. Maybe staying locked in his room to study would be the better option.
Rei ended up excusing himself from the table shortly after the conversation. He couldn't be in the same room with his brother.
But that didn't stop his brother from following him into his room. As Rei sat down on the floor to try to study, his brother thought it to be an appropriate time to sit on his bed. And Rei tried his best to ignore him. He really did. But then Kyou started to dig through Rei's drawers.
"What are you doing?" Rei was losing his tolerance.
"You don't have any porn?" Kyou obscenely said. He grabbed a book and flipped through the pages.
Rei stood up, swiping the book out of his hands, "Why would I have something like that?"
"Because everyone kind of does?" Kyou continued to dig through his stuff.
Rei watched, slightly unsure of what to do, as he rummaged through his business. "Well, I don't," Rei stuttered out.
"What? Are you gay?" Kyou joked as he pulled out a pill box.
Rei glared at him.
Kyou didn't bother to look up. He opened the pill box and dug through the contents. It was a normal Sunday through Saturday box, already halfway finished with. Full of prescription pills and vitamins. Kyou lifted up his Xanax pill laid out for the next day.
He gave Rei a knowing smile, "Don't mind if I borrow this."
"That's saying that you will be able to return it," Rei mumbled to himself.
Kyou carelessly threw the box back in the drawer he found it. He swallowed the pill dry and got up to leave. When he got to the door, and Rei thought he could finally get time to study, Kyou turned back around.
Smiling, Kyou spoke quietly enough so their parents in the room across the hall wouldn't hear, "It sucks that you're gay and fucked up."
And that made Rei tremble with fear and pure hate. Agitated, he waited until Kyou left the room. He changed into his track suit. Rei grabbed his phone and headphones. He told his parents he was going out and wasted no time doing so. He took off jogging, slowly at first to warm up. And then he pumped his legs faster. Breathing hard, the chill of the night air hitting the back of his throat.
He needed this, he reminded himself. He kept telling himself not to listen to his brother's words. Not to listen to anything his brother said. Not to worry about needing to skip a day on one of his medications. He was okay. He could study, and pass his exams with no worries. It was okay.
Somehow in his run he ended up at Nagisa's house. He paused and stared at the door.
Gay and fucked up.
The words rang in his mind. A chill ran through his spine. He felt gross and tainted. He turned off his music and flipped to Nagisa's name in his phone. He listened to it ring two times before Nagisa answered.
"Rei-chan, you never call this late!" Nagisa's chipper voice answered.
Rei remained quiet, still trying to steady his breathing. He realized what a dumb, reckless idea this was. Nagisa wouldn't want to be bothered. This was his own problem.
No. Rei had to reassure himself that wasn't true.
"Rei?" Nagisa's voice was heavy with concern.
"I'm outside," Rei finally spoke.
Nagisa opened the front door shortly after, phone still in hand. Rei stared blankly. Suddenly overwhelmed, he didn't know what to do next.
Luckily, Nagisa did. Nagisa invited him inside and heated up tea the Hazuki household got just for Rei. Rei looked at the clock and realized that it was already ten. He was annoying Nagisa by showing up, he just knew it. Nagisa was just trying to be nice.
"What's wrong?" Nagisa wrapped his arms around Rei.
Stiffly, Rei moved away from Nagisa's touch. And Nagisa let him.
They waited for the tea to finish being made and then Nagisa led them back to his room. Rei watched as he turned on the television and flopped onto his bed. Rei sat down next to him and they watched a game show together.
Halfway through, Nagisa looked up to Rei, "Feel better?"
Rei set down his mug, "I'm so sorry."
He could feel his sweat drying, making him feel dirty. What was he hoping to accomplish? Nothing. Everything was for nothing. All of his hard work would never pay off. Worthless. Filthy. Disgusting.
Nagisa rubbed his head on Rei's arm. "You didn't answer my question, Rei-chan."
Rei felt himself leaning towards Nagisa's touch. Nagisa always made him feel so warm and good.
Fucked up.
Rei winced at his thoughts and wrapped his arms around Nagisa. Nagisa accepted the sweaty embrace. In return he wrapped his arms around Rei.
And Rei couldn't control the way his body convulsed as he let out loud sobs. Weeks of stress being released all at once. He clung onto Nagisa as he rambled about his night. The surprise visit from his jerk of a brother. Nagisa listened, wiping away tears from Rei's cheeks.
Nagisa kissed his eyelids and then kissed Rei. Holding Rei's face in his hands, Nagisa smiled. Bright and beautiful, the smile that made Rei's stomach do flips.
"You're not gross or fucked up. You're Rei. Smart, beautiful Rei." Nagisa placed a quick kiss to Rei's forehead. "And I love you," He kissed Rei's lips, "and I'm here for you." He looked into Rei's eyes, "Always."
Sniffling, Rei gave him a small smile in return. Nagisa always made him feel better. He made him feel worth it. The knots in his stomach were still there. He was still overstressed, tired, and worried. But he felt okay with it. He was okay.
"I love you," Nagisa blushed at the sincerity of his own words.
Rei pulled Nagisa into a tight hug, "I love you too."
Trembling hands slid the towel Makoto had wrapped around his waist off. It dropped to the floor along with Rin. Who was on his knees in front of Makoto hurriedly sucking him off. Getting him hard and ready. Always in a rush to do so.
Makoto placed his hand on Rin's cheek, pulling him away. Rin looked up at him with wide eyes and a grin. Feeling shy under Rin's gaze, he led him to the bed. Rin followed. Kissing Makoto and pushing him down onto the bed.
Sighing into Rin's mouth, Makoto smiled, "You want to?"
"Fuck yes." Rin kissed Makoto harder, body pressed tightly against him.
They both knew what this was about. In all the years Rin and Makoto had been together, and the few times they had actual penetrative sex, Makoto had always topped. It was something that both were comfortable with. Until Makoto had voiced that he was more than a little curious. That he wanted to feel Rin. And Rin was always ready to please. He excitedly picked up new lubricant and talked Makoto through all the basic pre and aftercare.
Makoto helped Rin out of his shirt and pants. They were tossed to the floor. Rin reached into the nightstand where they kept all of their personal items. He pulled out the full bottle of lube and a half empty box of condoms.
He gave Makoto's dick a few more tugs before squirting lube onto his fingers. He massaged it through, seen how Makoto had done so time and time again. Warming it in his fingers, feeling the slimy liquid drip down obscenely on his hand.
He placed a pillow under Makoto's hips and pushed back one of his legs. He eased a finger in. This was something he knew Makoto could take. They had done this before. He pushed his finger inside, circling and jerking in and out of Makoto's hole. Rin kissed Makoto's stomach the same time he put another finger in. This time Makoto jerked his hips up. His voice let out a strangled moan.
"Hey," Rin kissed his nose, "I'm here."
Makoto smiled, eyes wet with what looked like the beginnings of tears.
Rin continued stretching him. His put another finger in, slowly. There was no rush for this. As Makoto watched Rin move, he felt the pain start. This was all new and overwhelming. It felt weird. It kind of hurt at first. And oddly enough it tickled.
He let out a sigh as Rin curved his fingers inside of him. Too overwhelmed to let out a proper moan. Makoto could feel his face heat up a bright red. He could hear his heart in his ears pounding away. And he could feel Rin's three fingers pushing in and out of him. Changing his body in ways that aroused and frightened him.
This was trust. This was love. Rin was going to be inside of him like he had been inside of Rin. He was going to feel all of Rin.
Rin curled his fingers deep inside of Makoto, searching. And Rin realized he couldn't find his sweet spot. And the determination set on Rin's face told him he wasn't going to stop until he did find it. Makoto shifted his hips making Rin's fingers jerk, and making Rin grunt above him. Makoto helped guide his fingers inside until he hit it. Makoto letting out a loud moan, fingers clawing Rin's arms.
"Rin," Makoto shivered.
Rin pulled his fingers out and prepped himself. Makoto watched him tug at his half-hard cock. Panting, Makoto beckoned Rin back down for a kiss. Rin finished readying himself and hovered awkwardly over Makoto.
And he waited. And waited.
"You sure?" Rin whispered. And if the room hadn't been so quiet Makoto wouldn't have caught it.
"Are you sure?" Makoto placed a soft kiss on Rin's lips.
Nodding, Rin continued. Brows furrowed as he pressed his tip against Makoto's entrance. Sighing, he pressed in.
Makoto let out a sharp intake of breathe. This was a lot different than fingers. This was fuller. He felt full and Rin wasn't even all the way in. It stung. It felt weird.
Rin pressed in deeper. Slowly as to not hurt Makoto. It didn't really help. And holy hell did it hurt this much for Rin the first time?
Squeezing his eyes shut, Makoto focused on breathing. It eased the pressure on his hips and lower back.
"Oh," Rin stopped moving, "I'm hurting you. Oh fuck," He panicked.
Makoto peeked up at Rin through lidded eyes, "Rin." He was panting. It felt like he did a few laps around the pool.
"Makoto," Rin's eyes watered. "I'm hurting you. No, no, no," He repeated. Arms falling to the side of Makoto's head.
He unintentionally pushed in deeper making Makoto groan. Making Rin freak out even more. Now tears fell freely from his eyes as he checked Makoto's face over.
"Rin," Makoto reached up to Rin's face.
Rin pressed their foreheads together. He sobbed, placing kisses on along Makoto's jaw. In an attempt to distract him from the new sensations.
"I want you to feel good," Rin said between kisses and hiccups.
"I do," Makoto ran his fingers through Rin's hair. "You feel good."
"I'm hurting you."
Makoto nodded, "But it's you."
"Lube," Rin reached for the bottle. Pulling out as he grabbed for it. Leaving Makoto with the strange sensation of not having Rin inside of him.
Rin reopened the bottle and poured more onto himself. He stroked himself to spread around the lube. Realigning it with Makoto again, he sniffled.
"I love you," Makoto smiled at Rin's words. The words he spoke as he reentered Makoto. Slowly, pushing his way inside. Not in the rushed manner that was always Rin. But with delicacy which was also him.
Sweet and tender love that was meant for Makoto to feel. The kind of love that made Rin cry over. Not wanting to hurt his partner. Wanting to please Makoto and make him feel loved and feel good. As Makoto had shown him the same type of love in the past.
Now, as Rin moved in and out of Makoto he shined. Smiling down, kissing Makoto as he moved deeper into him. It was a new sensation, and it still kind of hurt. But it was Rin. It was Rin and he was with Rin entirely. He felt whole.
Rin pumped faster inside of him. Makoto clenched and unclenched, legs shaking on Rin's shoulders. Everything was feeling so good. Too good. Makoto felt his stomach tense in that familiar feeling. And as soon as Rin stroked his cock, he came. Rin fucked him fast and hard, coming inside. The feeling of the condom warming and filling up inside of him.
Every time Makoto ran off to Haru's his mom would catch him at the front door as he slipped into his shoes. And every time she would say, in her sweetest voice, "Have fun with your boyfriend."
And every time Makoto would get flustered. Cheeks heating pink, hands waving high in the air as he denied it. "He's not my boyfriend!" His voice cracked every time.
And today was no different. It was a Saturday morning. Haru had asked Makoto to go over before they went swimming. And Makoto was more than happy to oblige. They literally had nothing else going on that weekend and he was glad to get out of the house. But knowing his mom's habit of embarrassing him, he tried to sneak out before she caught him at the door.
But to no prevail, she put her hand on his shoulder. His younger siblings clinging onto his sides, probably working as minions. He would do anything to have a normal goodbye. It would be short and sweet. Because that's what mom's did, right? They waved their sons off without suggesting he had a relationship other than friendship with the neighbor boy.
But not Makoto's mom. Makoto's mom had enough energy to joke with her son and wrestle with her twin kids.
She pulled the twins off of him, "Make sure he eats before you two go out." Makoto waited for it. "Have fun on your date." There it was.
"It's not a ̶ he's not my," Makoto let out an exasperated sigh. "I'll be back," He settled with.
And with that he ran up the stairs to Haru's place. The steps gave him enough distance to clear his mind. Haru as anything other than his friend was completely asinine. Haru asking him out on dates. Makoto asking Haru on dates. They'd probably just go to the beach all the time. Or end up eating mackerel.
And they would kiss after the date.
Makoto and Haru kissed sometimes. They had ever since they were young. Soft, innocent kisses that had nothing behind them except for curiosity. Makoto liked kissing Haru. They hadn't kissed in months. Makoto was starting to miss it. Not that he would ever admit it though.
People who were dating should be kissing. Not two best friends.
Makoto knocked on the front door and when Haru didn't answer he opened it. Of course he found Haru sitting in the tub. Holding his hand out, Haru grabbed it.
His thoughts were still racing thinking about kissing Haru. And Makoto didn't realize he held onto Haru's hand a little longer than he should. He jumped back with a quick apology.
Haru walked passed him, mumbling something about breakfast.
Following him into the kitchen, Makoto thought about Haru in this big house. All by himself. Haru had always been self-sufficient. But emotionally, he needed something to bind him to the earth. To guide him through the days. The connections Haru made with people held significance within his life.
Makoto wondered how significant his connection was with Haru. Sure, they had kissed. They were friends. They just went with the flow of things.
Kissing was just experimenting. Everyone kissed. Kisses had different meanings. It didn't always mean boyfriend. It didn't always mean love. Rin always talked about kissing in such an emotional manner. Heat and desire connecting souls to each other. Nagisa thought about kissing as something you do to make yourself and somebody else happy. Bubbly and sweet, sometimes a little too long and suffocating. Rei spoke of the chemicals working in the human brain when shared human contact occurred. It was something that just happened. Kou explained to Makoto about the importance of letting the partner initiate the first kiss. Trust and confidence in a single kiss.
Everyone kissed.
So when Haru leaned over the table, pushing their now empty plates away to kiss Makoto he let it happen.
Makoto counted the seconds their lips were connected. One, two, three, four. It left Makoto wanting more of something he did not know he even wanted.
"Ready to go?" Haru stared up at Makoto. Long eyelashes taunting him. Soft, plump lips still puckered out.
Makoto held the back of Haru's head in his hands as he pulled him into another kiss. A sweet warmth filling his body. Haru let go briefly only to scoot around the table to get closer to Makoto. Hands wrapped around Makoto's shoulders. Makoto kept his hands on Haru's waist. But he made sure to hold him close to where their bodies were almost touching.
Kissing like this was just out of curiosity.
So why did his heart beat so fast? Why was he so nervous? This was just Haru. It was Haru. His best friend. He liked kissing his best friend. He liked kissing Haru. He liked Haru.
"Makoto," Haru's voice brought him out of his thoughts. He hadn't realized they had stopped kissing.
Makoto looked at the floor. Now was a weird time to realize that he had a crush. And he couldn't hide it. Makoto's face instantly lit up, red coloring his face. He tried covering it with his arms.
Haru reached up to pull his arms back down around his waist.
Shyly, Makoto looked to Haru. And he understood what Haru was trying to say when he called out his name.
"I like you," Makoto whispered. Translating Haru's silent language. Feeling it against his tongue.
Haru nodded. He brought him into another kiss. And they spent the rest of the morning kissing. When they finally went swimming, they ended up kissing again.
By the time Makoto had to go home it felt like they didn't have enough hours in the day. He invited Haru over for dinner, but Haru refused. They were both exhausted from a day of kissing and swimming. They both needed sleep. But made quick promises to see each other the following day.
Makoto waved bye to his mom the next day. Smile bright and a skip in his step.
Ai kissed Rin for what had to be the one-hundredth time. It was a new year, Rin was captain, and they had changed rooms. Their kisses were stolen in between lunch periods and swim practices. Rin was busy, with it being his last year and new responsibility. And Ai was trying to make the best of his year.
Ai smiled down at his notebook. He had bumped into Rin on the way back to class and Rin had shyly kissed his cheek. Ai giggled. Still feeling the butterflies flutter in his belly. The warm good feeling that reached his toes.
Kisses with Rin were always nice.
But it got frustrating. Just kissing Rin after saying hello. Ai loved to talk, so did Rin, but their schedules would not allow it. So Ai took it upon himself to meet up with Rin on his own time.
It was a Thursday night, about ten. Momo, his new hyper-active roommate, was already asleep. So Ai sent Rin a quick text.
'You awake?'
'This a booty call?'
Ai could imagine the laughter Rin was making at his own joke.
'Yes. Meet me at the vending machine.'
Ai rolled up his blankets and snuck out with them. He tiptoed to the vending machined. His excited laughter muffled through the blankets. He met up with Rin and wrapped his arms around him.
Smiling, Rin ruffled his hair, "What did you want to do?"
Ai kissed his cheek, "You're my booty call so..."
Rin blushed, the bright red spreading to his ear and down his neck. The soft light of the vending machine letting Ai see Rin's features change. He was nervous. He couldn't keep his focus on one thing.
Ai realized he was nervous too. There was no reason to be. But they were both worked up. Not seeing each other for long period of time. And then just meeting to kiss or say hello and goodbye. It was almost like they were strangers, getting acquainted with one another.
Gulping down his anxieties, Ai grabbed onto Rin's hand. He led him up the stairs. They were only lit by emergency lights making the walk creepier than needed. But Ai had been through this area a number of times. He knew where he was going. He could feel Rin's grip tighten as they went up the stairs. Reaching unfamiliar territory for him, he needed the safety net that was Ai.
Finally reaching the top of the stairs, Ai let go of Rin's hand. He pulled at the door, praying that the emergency alarm wasn't enabled on it. Luckily, it wasn't. And as he opened the door, letting the cold air pour in, they saw it.
Stars. Not many. The night life had filled the sky with artificial light. The school being a part of that. But they could still see the brightest of stars. Littering the skies. Bringing joy to Rin's face.
"Ai," He breathed out.
Ai fluffed out the blankets he brought with him. One the rooftop they fit perfectly. The building was surrounded by lights. The edges were far enough for them to not to worry about falling off. It was a nice area. Ai could feel the stress leave his body as he laid down.
Rin followed with a loud sigh. He shivered and crawled under the top blanket. Ai followed and they stared up at the stars.
"You can see more in the country," Rin said.
Ai agreed. He loved the country more. The simple lives people lived.
Ai turned to face Rin. It had been over a month since he could properly look at Rin. Had he always been so muscular? Had he grown? Was that five o'clock shadow?
Is this what growing up was?
"I missed you," Ai whispered before he could stop himself.
Rin closed his eyes. He leaned his head towards Ai. Ai curled up into him. He mumbled something against Ai's head which Ai didn't catch.
"What, Senpai?" Ai looked up at Rin.
Rin placed a kiss on Ai's lips.
Ai instantly melted into it. He wrapped his arms tightly around Rin. Moaning when Rin slipped his tongue into his mouth. Ai slipped his hands under Rin's shirt. Feeling Rin's back muscles as he held him close.
They spent most of the night kissing and talking. Forgetting that they had class in the morning. By the time it was almost four in the morning, Rin had to call it a night. The two laughed and whispered as they snuck back into the dorm halls. They said their goodbyes with a quick kiss.
It was a new year. And Ai was prepared to share it with Rin.
