Good morning, evening, and good afternoon. I'm pretty new to tumblr, but would like to give it a go! You can call me Katie (she/her) or just "univentures" if you'd like. I'm going to be beginning university in the fall to study mathematics. I was admitted to a degree majoring in pure maths but I guess I'll see how first year before I officially declare a major!
This is just a little spot to document my uni adventures (hence the title). I find that there are a lot of blanks in my memory from my elementary and middle school years and would like to remember my times. This is also hopefully going to help me express my joys, frustrations, and thoughts about university life. Feel free to come along for the ride if you'd like!
Fun facts about me:
I love to sing (not necessarily well, but I am quite the musical theatre enthusiast)
I love to read (going through a bit of a slump at the moment :/)
my favourite colour is green
I'm a new 18-year-old
I am very curious (which is why pure maths was something I thought would be interesting) and love to learn about different things.
Je parle un peu de français grâce aux sept ans d'études en immersion française (mes compétences sont limités mais j'essaie!).
Week one back at university dormitory is done. I got back a few days before term started so I could settle in (and because my mom wanted to drive me) and be alone again.
Something I'm feeling now is a lot of in-the-background fear. There are moments where it moves closer to the foreground, even being a sole thought on my mind sometimes. It feels inhibiting because it is. It's a reason I'm procrastinating right now.
I think I'll have to try something else. Try something more brute-force than last term. I've often been told that the hardest part about doing a task is just getting started so you just have to start. That's been hard for me, but maybe I wasn't activating enough.
I am also going to look into applying to other programs. Non math ones. We shall see where that take some I guess. I'm going to give this term my best shot and see how I'll be moving on after.
I did get my marks back and passed every one of the five classes (something I was not anticipating)! I remember feeling so defeated after my finals were over because I was so convinced I had failed and would have to do them again. But now I am able to move on to new courses in the new year. I am a little scared but I am glad I've got through first term. I've chosen to take a reduced course load which I think will help with stress and will allow me the time to participate in extracurriculars and feel less overwhelmed.
It has been good to be at home for the winter break with my family - good food, laughs, and stuff. I'm worried about going back to the big city and having to interact with more people in a less controlled manner since the latest variant has taken off. My university goes back online for a bit before they plan to resume in person (fingers crossed people follow protocols and that actually happens).
I've been enjoying listening to music and watching shows from childhood - me and my siblings are going to watch a movie we really liked in childhood called Strange Magic which is something to look forward to because it's such a fond memory.
There are a lot of mixed feelings for me right now because I have so much uncertainty about my program, future, friends, and family. Which is a lot to consider. I am finding comfort and contentedness though - even in days that are meh or bad, I can usually find a pocket of comfort in a song or excitement in a pun or something like that. When the big things feel hard or painful the little smaller things relieve me.
Some of the songs I've been listening to as company lately:
Mr/Mme - Loic Nottet *
Days of Plenty - Little Women the Musical **
Hold me in your heart - Kinky Boots the Musical ***
* this is a particularly difficult song, and I would not recommend this to anyone unless I was sure they could listen and be alright. Content warning for mentions of suicide, harsh language, anger, loneliness and mental health struggles. This song is in French but is very emotional even if you can't understand the lyrics.
** this song is sung by the mother in the show to her daughter Jo about the passing of her younger sister Beth. This song's emotion can be overwhelming if you have experienced loss or are familiar with the book or show.
*** this is a song about a strained relationship between the character's father and the character and their difficulty growing up without their father's support.
These are the thoughts for now. school resumes next week online. I'm trying to remain optimistic about it being a fresh start and another chance to find out more about what I do and do not want to do. There are options out there for me. In the new year I will continue to try my best, and seek counselling. I hope the new year can bring us all some comfort and joyous moments. Take care 2021.
Today I've got two assignments due. One at 5pm, and the other at midnight. I've got most of the first one done (for algebra), but the other one (for computer science) I've barely started.
Feeling stressed about how quickly things are going - it seems impossible that it's already Wednesday afternoon when it feels like the weekend is eons away.
Last night I got quite wrapped up in thinking about the future: I sort of spiraled into imagining how things will have changed by the time I'm done this degree - assuming I want to finish it of course. My parents (at least my mom) will probably be retired by that point, my older sister will be working in her field, and my little sibling will likely be just finishing their first degree as well. What led to this was that I've been thinking about what I want to do as a career and revisiting the possibility of becoming a high school math teacher. So, if I pursue that avenue, I will need to go through teacher training in a college or university program after I get this bachelor's degree. So, I was thinking about which university/college would be appealing: where do I want to be (overseas, close to childhood home, somewhere unexpected?) and came to the conclusion that I'd like to be situated near my siblings because something that has been really difficult as we've grown up and away from our childhood home is how far away we are from each other. I'll want to be able to invite them over for dinner, and spend birthdays and celebrations together during the year - not just once or twice when we return home. Hence contemplating where to get teacher training and what life will look like at that point. This isn't helpful for me because I don't even know if I'll want to pursue teacher training, and I don't know most things about my future. Something I need to practice is dealing more in the present and not wishing away this time. I tend to do that when I've been struggling because it is comforting to imagine stability and security in a future that I'll enjoy.
But right now I'm going to do my best to enjoy my time here. I am always grateful for the opportunity to learn, but I have struggles. I remind myself that they are valid, and that the tough moments will not endure forever. I'm going to go do some algebra now.
Gosh it's been a rough time for the last 8 weeks. I'm over halfway through the first term and there are a few things that stand out to me:
- the sky is infinitely beautiful. When I'm not good I look out my massive windows and take solace in the fact that the clouds are so fluffy, or the 'miserable' weather is cozy and mysterious.
- "What's the worst that could happen with this project? Can you cope with that?" is helpful to me sometimes. I've failed so many things in the last 8 weeks and the number of times I've failed has left me disappointed. This helps me reframe: what's the worst that could happen with my assignment due Wednesday? I fail it. I can deal with that. What's the worst that could happen with my calculus course? I fail it. I can deal with that too - I can either retake it next semester, or take an equivalent course, or re-evaluate what I'd like to study. **
- Did I mention how pretty the sky is right now?
- I love being able to bake whenever I want - I love having my own kitchen, and being able to cook, clean, and just exist here. I love baking and then giving my friend whatever goods I've got.
- I'm definitely taking a smaller course load next term (3 courses instead of 5) because I feel constantly tired or burnt out in some way.
- exhaustion drains me of passion, which is unfourtunate because I feel exhausted a lot...
- there have been so many tears, music is good to cry to often.
- still don't know what to do with my life, but I do know that I want to have my own home one day - a home to be sweet in. I will invite friends over to have dinner, and we'll bake things, and we'll have deep conversations, and tell everyone about our passions and recent fascinations. I will knit while listening to music, and sing as loudly as I want within my home.
- public transport for me is magical and I adore it.
- I wish people would wear their masks according to the rules.
- I'm losing touch with my closest friend because she's at a different university and has been super busy. I don't know how to handle that, but I'm trying to talk to her, and I can't wait to see her on the holiday break.
- I really like solving linear diophantine equations, and there's nothing quite as satisfying as getting to read "All the tests passed!" at the end of a coding session.
- I've made it this far and that is cool to me.
** side note: thinking about what to do after failing is harder than failing - there's financial stuff to worry about, if I'll still be interested in studying math, etc... but it's a start.
I feel a safe level of neutral right now, I've just been watching the sun set from my bed. I feel there is still time for me.
It's been a little less than two weeks since I moved into my university residence and it has been a time... that's for sure. I arrived 7 days before classes started so I had some good walks around the city, and did some general pre-friendship things like introduce myself to strangers. Then classes started...
Since that day, I've felt like I've never been able to forget about things. I'm studying math and am currently taking two advanced level courses: algebra and calculus. They are not going great. I've never done proofs before, and the concepts are quite abstract. After speaking to an academic advisor I feel a bit better - I'm going to give them a shot and do my best, but I can always shift into the regular course versions as well.
If I could sum up how I have been feeling: trapped in loneliness by nerves around interacting. I have realized that I haven't had to make friends in several years, and my skills are a little rusty. Plus I have a lot of work to do, so interaction has been limited. I feel a sense of conscious "being alone" whenever I look out my window - not always "lonely" per se, but definitely in tune with the fact that I am without my friends and loved-ones. Sometimes being alone is freeing - sometimes I feel like the world is open for me to discover, things are bright and calm, and I am living my life. Other times it feels like I'm antsy - I need to jump around or dance around to forget how isolated I am. In those times I can't do much despite having plenty of things to do.
I reflect on whether I am in the right place - this is not a feeling of "I'm not good enough to be here," but rather "do I really want to be here." And so far, often the answer is no: I do not want to be here. When I'm lonely I do not want to be here; when I remember my high-school fun I do not want to be here; and when I miss the familiarity of my before-university existence, I do not want to be here. So far those sentiments have shifted when I find my courses interesting, or I'm out independently grocery shopping, or I am walking around campus. That's what I mean by freeing - I am no longer burdened by thoughts of loneliness and doubting the good in being here because I am in awe of the novelty of this experience.
The view from my room is really nice - I'm way up high and have massive windows, so the sunsets are lovely. I think things will get better.
lot's of nostalgic songs and some French-language dancy tunes have been on my listening list of late: Je garde le sourire - Keen'v; Meet me in St. Louis - from the musical of the same name; The Impossible Dream - from Man of La Mancha; and Happily Ever After - from Once Upon a Mattress.
My goodness, already 6 days until my move in date! I'm feeling pretty nervous since I'll have to navigate a big city, and I have a lot of stuff. I hate having stuff. Being in a mess makes me feel really dusty and icky at the same time. Seeing so much stuff... I just hope I'm able to find a good place for everything so it doesn't look like a complete pen while I'm at residence.
Things I'm looking forward to:
Orientation
Experiencing living without my family
Seeing my friends (two of them live in residence as well)
Using the city's bike trails
Having a fresh start
I'm trying to be positive even though this big change is scarey. I'll have plenty of resources that I am allowed to use, it will be fine and I will learn a lot.
I have a lot to pack so I'm gonna get started on that as I clean my room, I am looking forward to having less stuff immediately with me.
A song I've been listening to a lot lately is "it's not where you start" from a musical called Seesaw. I've not listened to the show, but Barbara Cook singing this song is pretty comforting sometimes.
It gets closer and closer to the date my tuition is due, my move-in date, my first day of classes... as expected - that is how time has always seemed to progress in my experience.
I've been doing a math review course that refreshes some of the major units of interest for first year uni from grade twelve. This is highly useful since I've not done this sort of math in a year or so. I'm quite out of practice but things are coming back to me slowly.
Today I recalled the Mandelbrot set which is something that is a fractal (maybe not?) And is ingrained in my childhood because my dad installed an application on our old computer that allowed you to zoom in or out infinitely on this shape. It has a very distinctive shape. I know nothing about it so can't provide any cool tidbits or facts about it, but that memory is fond and a little unique I think. As I think about the future I wade through the past in a sort of clingy way. I think about what I want to have in my life and what I wish I could feel again.
I have blue-ish hair now. My hair is dirty blond normally so I figured choosing a dark colour would be best but the first time I dyed it basically nothing stuck. This time I have a pretty dark blue and it is much more "sticky." Some of my hair is a little brown now because it wasn't covered enough, but I am pretty pleased overall. It's fresh and delightful having blue hair.
I feel a little more reassured about university once more today because I have been finding some resources over the last few days - things that are included in tuition, services, I also went to my university's city to scout out the transit options, grocery stores and stuff! Additionally, I just got to meet some people through video who are in my faculty! It was a simple little ice-breaker situation. We played two truths and a lie and it was a fun time. I feel ok, I think I have the possibility of making friends with some of these people in the coming year.
I have some good news recently about my AP BC exam from May!! I found out today that I got a score of 3 overall (this was what I was expecting) and a subscore of 4! (the subscore is the score I got on the AB sections that make up around 60% of the tested material). I am really pleased with this news and just wanted to share it with The Void!
Yesterday I finished watching a sample lecture from my faculty about diophantine equations. It's just a sample of what to expect - part of a "get ready for uni" little thing that my university offers.
Diophantine equations are starting to seem like my new sort of brain teasers (sort of like limit simplifications or factoring from previous years).
They're perfect brain puzzles because they seem really... obscure. Essentially it's just getting an equation and finding all the points on the curve that are integers. It's pretty fun and the recorded lesson is really good - I like the professor, he seems to be interested in teaching for understanding which I appreciate.
It sort of makes me think that I can actually do ok in my first year.
The last bit of math learning I did was in early May when I was preparing for the calculus BC exam - I poorly managed my time and onky just completed the lessons the day before the exam so it was a time of self-frustration unfortunately.
I know the maths I've been learning will get more complicated but I feel a little more able to imagine myself doing well in those areas the more I get into these prepatory materials.
Today I had to submit my first math thing related to university. I signed up to be put on a waitlist for these advanced algebra and calculus courses instead of the usual ones because they were recommended as a way to see how future pure maths courses could be structured. Essentially, to be enrolled in these courses you need to do a pre-assignment which involves using a proof software to prove some "simple" theorems and indicate whether certain implication statements are true or not. I say "simple" because they are pretty tough for me but are foundational in nature.
The professor was really generous in offering some of his time to set up a video call to go over the problems if we had questions so I asked (pretty proud of myself for taking that step since I was so nervous). I managed to prove the theorems with his help except for two. I wasn't able to prove them but at least I gave it a go!
The second section is true/false statements about function properties in set notation (which I've never used but is quite interesting). The professor gave us a hint that not all of the statements will be true, but by my logic they are all true... so this is not going to be a shining moment, but it is an optional thing so there's no harm in trying!
Whether I am allowed to be in the advanced algebra and calculus classes or not, I think I might choose to stick to the usual ones. They will be hard enough and then I'll be introduced to the university's expectations with material that might be slightly less new.
Bonus positive: I got my second dose of vaccine today which puts my mind at ease for the fall since I will be as protected as possible by the time I leave!
J'espère que tout se passera bien avec la soumission, j'ai encore hâte d'apprendre les mathématiques - heureusement cette activity n'a pas détruit ma curiosité en étant si difficile!!
