a broken hallelujah

"a stitch away from making it & a scar away from falling apart." Orion. Angel. 25. Pisces. INFP. [ they/them or she/her ] nurse at Violetta Hospital

[ironclxdalibi-blog]

REW1ND ↺ before the storm

[unicorion-blog]

ironclxdalibi:

Connor should have talked this over with the pharmacist, really. The man looked vaguely half-Asian, which should have comforted him, but he slank away like he were an earthworm. Irony made him wriggle uncomfortably in the corner with the nurse - the medication was supposed to make it easier to talk to people without pluming thoughts of dread, wasn’t it?

This was why he wasn’t studying biology, some hard science, or even psychology. Everything seemed so pathologized, like there was some cheat sheet formula to the universe in Times New Roman, but how could any of it make sense? Connor was just supposed to accept that things would be okay - that if he’d take these pills, the feeling of plumbum in his chest would just dissolve and he could magically talk to people… to the doctor… to…

Their voice was soothing. Mason faintly passed a smile, nodding at their question. “Um, I just saw a psychologist, or a psychiatrist, for the first time, yeah,” he said, softly turning his head when the title slipped his mind. They’d told him about support groups, but opening up to strangers - who probably had vastly different, much more pressing problems - felt utterly impossible.

Should he take them right now? See if there was a tangible difference in the way he held himself, his chin slightly higher than it ever was, his shoulders pushed back, his chest light. That’s how it worked, right?

“It’s my last year and I feel like I haven’t made any friends. That’s why I wanted to come to New York. And there’s this guy I met and he’s cool and everything. I just don’t want to get in the way of myself.” Connor glanced up at the nurse - how would he address them? - and sighed. “How did you, um, find out when you wanted to work here? Because I still feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Orion sent him a soft smile, hoping it was comforting to the nervous-looking male. They knew all too well what it was like, recognized all the signs, the body language, the hesitance in speech. It was almost like they were looking into a mirror -- or one that showed how they generally felt inside, because they tried very hard not to show how uncomfortable and insecure they were.

Still, they bit their lip, awkwardly tucked their hands in the pockets of their jacket. “That must be scary,” They commented, making sure to keep up the friendly smile. “It’ll probably take a while before you can really talk to them, because strangers are intimidating, but hopefully you can start telling them about your problems and feel better soon enough.”

What were they doing, trying to comfort a stranger about something they’d never been able to do themselves? It’d been since they had signed themselves up for therapy and they hadn’t lasted long, because talking about their feelings proved nearly impossible. That had been before things had gotten really bad and though Orion had attended some mandatory therapy sessions after that, they had merely pretended to be fine during those meetings.

That didn’t mean therapy didn’t help others, though. Maybe it was the best thing for this stranger, they had no way to know this. And perhaps some things could be fixed or at least feel like less of a burden when there was someone to talk to. 

They patiently listened while the other spoke, smile never faltering, though the question was a bit unexpected. “Well, I, too, came here because I felt like it would give me better opportunities.” In a way, it had, they supposed. “I know it might feel like that, but that guy might like you just for who you are, you know? You shouldn’t have to change for anyone, even though you might feel like it. Getting in the way of yourself happens sometimes and it’s usually related to your insecurities. I’m not going to tell you to just... let them go or anything, but I will tell you that I believe things will work out in the end. Allow yourself to take the time and space you need, there’s no need to rush.”

Orion wasn’t really sure what they were saying anymore, but it sounded legit enough. 

“It was sort of just a... chain of events that had me end up here, really. And some days I’m not sure it’s what I want to do with my life, other days I feel blessed, it’s... life. I don’t think there’s many people who know what they want or feel like they’re doing exactly what they want to be doing.” They shrugged a little. “Some days I want to run away and never set a single foot inside this hospital again.” A soft laugh fell from their lips. “But I also love my job. And... I think I’m good it? So... Find something you’re good at, something you love doing, something... you love to be good at, if that makes sense. I’m sure you’re capable of doing great things, even if you don’t feel like it right now. Even if... nothing really interests you or makes you happy right now. Because it’ll change, I promise.”

[ironclxdalibi-blog]

REW1ND ↺ before the storm

approx. two years prior  ◄◄  ( molecules.atlas genius )                                                     @unicorion

The ticket in his hand was sturdy compared to his loose posture. Connor sat alone in the waiting room nearly out of breath, his backpack still firmly attached to his back like it were a part of him. For moment, the world drowned out around him as he glanced down at the paper, wondering if… wondering if his anxiety would resolve. That maybe medication wouldn’t do anything. How could a small concentrate of powder smaller than the radius of his pinkie nail change a person, anyways? That seemed so impossible to fathom. He was just as small in this grand world - one little pill couldn’t make him into someone different, could it?

It didn’t change the fact that his emergency contacts were still his parents. Miles and rivers and everything apart. He’d come to the city, only to hang onto remnants of the past.

He heard his name. Picked up the white paper bag - it was flimsy like a lunch bag - and stumbled out of the room.

Maybe he should have asked the pharmacist how to take the right dosage or something.

Now that was heavy on his mind. Connor turned to face the nearest health care professional he could find - oh, they looked nice. “Um, excuse me. So, I, uh, have this medication. And you’re probably not an expert on this, or maybe you are, but, uh, I just take the recommended dosage listed on the bottle, right? No hoops I have to jump through or whatever? Because I feel like a pill or something won’t really help me and my problems…”

[unicorion-blog]

Even after a couple of years of having worked in the hospital, Orion still got unsure of things. Sometimes they wondered why they had agreed to take the job. Was it selfishness? To have a sense of belonging, of purpose? Was it distraction or comfort, to make them forget about how afraid they were of their power?

That thought never failed to make them laugh a little. It was incredibly stupid to be afraid of a power that couldn’t harm anyone. But what made it so utterly terrifying, was knowing that it was illegal. They knew that if the wrong person would find out, they would be on their way to some facility. Perhaps it wouldn’t be so nerve-wrecking if they assumed they would just kill them, but no one knew what happened to mutants once they got captured.

And with a harmless and useful ability like theirs, surely they would make a great subject for experiments. Death would only seem more and more inviting.

Spending time with patients was slowly getting less surreal and slightly easier, though all the social interaction and actually using their ability was very draining. Today wasn’t an easy day and they had practically dragged themselves to the hospital in the first place, deciding to mostly focus on paperwork to avoid having to deal with people too much. God, they were so awful.

Orion rubbed their eyes and continued on through the hallway, but was quickly stopped by someone talking to them. Oh. How were they supposed to explain that they had no knowledge of any medication ever, because a touch of their hand could take a lot of things away? Still, the male seemed nervous – which was probably why he needed anxiety meds, good job, detective Orion – and they’d feel bad for just dismissing him.

Back in high school, Orion had briefly considered becoming a therapist. Even if it was just so they could help people like themselves, who struggled with their identity or simply just got bullied, just like they had been. Of course, they had figured they weren’t mentally stable enough to be a professional who listened to people talk about their problems, but combined with their nature to shift into “mom mode”, they felt inclined to help this anxious stranger.

Giving him a gentle smile, they reached out to softly guide him towards a more private area. “You’re right, I’m not an expert, but, yes, the dosage should be listed on the bottle.” They bit their lip, feeling slightly awkward, though they tried not to show it. Surely, looking nervous wasn’t going to help this person feel more comfortable. “Are you, um… seeing anyone for these ‘problems’?”

[unicorion-blog]

giblets for the cat ✩ open

[unicorion-blog]

perennialpoppy:

With her powers, Poppy really didn’t need to go to the supermarket, but she strongly preferred to do so every so often. Since her flower shop sold an extremely impressive variety of plants, being occasionally seen shopping for supplies for the shop was great for staying out of ASH’s and the Infamous’ watchful eye for super activity. Another reason was that growing plants from existing seeds or bulbs was much easier than growing them from nothing; while she could create seeds and bulbs of her own, she thought it better to go out and get the exercise, since she wouldn’t be so tempted to grow a tree chair whenever she was tired if she was in the public eye.

She could also socialize! Not that she couldn’t at her shop — on the contrary, people from all walks of life often found themselves at the shop’s doors — but she welcomed every opportunity to meet someone new.

At least, that’s what she thought before she saw the grumpy cashier. She certainly did not want to know him better. The unprofessional and offensive way he was dealing with the nice customer in front of her made Poppy want to drop-kick the packets of seeds she was carrying into the rude man’s face — politely, of course, and without damaging the seeds. But there was another issue to deal with first, on the customer’s side.

A “not enough money” problem? Poppy could fix that. She didn’t have much on her at the moment, but she had enough to help.

Without further hesitation, she opened her grass-green wallet and took out the money she had been intending to use for her own supplies. “Here,” she said brightly, holding the bills out to the shaken customer. “This should cover everything.”

Orion was ready to admit defeat and put everything back onto the shelves, definitely not having expected someone to offer her money to pay for her groceries. Her faced flushed again, while she looked at the brunette. The redhead was very bad at accepting favors from other people and this had been so sudden and unexpected, she was simply at a loss for words, just staring at the young woman for a full minute, until she realized she was kind of just gaping at her and quickly closed her mouth, blinking once more before she spoke.

“O-Oh, that’s-- I-- Goodness, you really don’t have to do that, I--” She looked at the cashier again, who was clearly impatient and waiting for his shift to be over so he could... do whatever he’d rather be doing at the moment. Orion frowned a little, returning her attention to the kind stranger, debating whether she should accept the money or not. She really needed the food and it wasn’t like she actually couldn’t afford it, so she could easily pay her back, right?

Feeling entirely embarrassed, she accepted the money and handed it to the cashier. Briefly eyeing the packets in the stranger’s arms, she bit her lip. “I’ll just take one of the bags, then I should have enough for the both of us, right?” She didn’t want her agoraphobic tendencies to rob someone else of the ability to pay for their groceries. 

She turned to face the brunette again, a nervous smile on her lips. “Thank you so much, really. I-- I will pay you back, I promise. And, um... You can, uh... call me if you need anything, honestly.” She dug in her bag again for pen and paper. “I’d go get money right now, but I’m--” Exhausted. “-- in a bit of a hurry... I promise to repay you, though.”

[unicorion-blog]

giblets for the cat ✩ open

[unicorion-blog]

eclipseofargus:

Connor lingered at the checkout line, debating on changing his plans entirely; there was a way he could meet up with Julio and still have enough time for Orion. He didn’t walk the distance to the store to leave empty-handed. While Orion played with the zipper on her bag, Connor leaned over the register to whisper an impromptu hook-up spot in Julio’s ear. The cashiers face matched the hue of Orion’s hair. Who says you can’t have cake and eat it, too?

He pulled away from Julio at her words. “Don’t sell yourself short.” Most people had more to offer than they realized. How could she assume she wasn’t of value if she didn’t know the criteria he was using to assess her with? Her face turned red again. Was blushing all she did? “And?” Connor gave her a careless shrug. He could care less about the type of food. Upon listening to her reason for buying the food, he gave her a nod. So that was it. Buying the food in stock. Not so smart, considering she had dropped a bag earlier and teetered on her heels. How far she had to walk with all that weight, Connor couldn’t imagine. Didn’t want to, rather. “Whatever works for you. That’s some dedication. You wouldn’t see me doing that.”

Dedication. Check. See, she had things to offer! 

Her expression changed once he told her his name, and he frowned in concentration. Did she know him from somewhere? He never saw her before. And he’d remember if he did. Was it the real Connor Argus? Was his ex dumb enough to use the name “Connor” as well? He let out a breath, feeling tense and tingly. A cocktail of fear, anger, and…love? No. It had to be something else. Had to be. 

“Yeah.” Connor was speaking more to himself at first, as if he was confirming that he was indeed not feeling love for Connor Argus. Not after what happened between  them. “Yeah.” This time the word was directed at Orion. 

Maybe this was one deal he shouldn’t have made.

Orion nearly laughed. ‘Don’t sell yourself short.’ How amusing. She decided not to respond to it, though. This guy seemed to like making her feel uncomfortable, so she didn’t want to give him more material and encourage him. Instead, she kept quiet, awkwardly shuffling her feet around, waiting for him to finish speaking, making her feel smaller. “It’s not.... dedication...” She argued weakly. Sure, she was dedicated to taking care of her cat, but she knew she often failed as well.

She watched Connor, who had clearly seen the way she had reacted to his name. She felt nervous, like she had been pulled into a battle that wasn’t hers to fight. She’d been actively avoiding Mason and now... Now she was speaking to his ex, his boyfriend, his lover? Whatever he was, Mason was still in love with him -- he’d been all Mason could talk about and Orion had comforted him, even if she wasn’t sure if the two would ever meet again.

And here he was. In... Mason’s body.

She probably shouldn’t talk about it, at least not in here, with the cashier still being there, who was still blushing from whatever Connor had whispered in his direction -- Orion didn’t want to know what that could have been. Her fingers found the strap of her bag, holding on to it tightly. “We, uh... We should.... talk tonight.” Was that subtle enough? Or would he be worried that she’d never show up, now that she knew who he was? Which was definitely tempting.

[unicorion-blog]

UNICORION good morning, it is early.

[unicorion-blog]

[unicorion-blog]

eclipseofargus:

Rhetorical. It was a rhetorical question. Connor didn’t really want to know what she would do in that instance. Her rambling began to put him to sleep–a battle to keep his heavy eyelids open went on as she talked. Couldn’t he have sat next to a more entertaining person? 

“I’m guessing you still believe in Santa Claus?” The teasing in his voice practically soaked the sentence like the butter of the bottom of his long-forgotten bag of popcorn. “Don’t tell me your favorite song is the Barney one. Hugs, kisses, and whatnot.” Again, he was merely teasing, yet the song seemed like it fit her somehow. Maybe because she struck him as being rated “G”–no bark, no bite. “That’s where you’re wrong. You completes you. No one else. And pain isn’t love. It’s pain. I can find you a dictionary if you want.” What was Connor doing, playing along with this conversation? The boredom must’ve been real.

“I say lots of things.” He snuggled deeper into the chair, preparing himself for a long nap, “I only mean half of them.” Honestly, he admired her attitude in the moment–he barely even knew her to piece together what he liked about her as a whole. So far, he didn’t think much of Little Miss Head-In-The-Clouds. Letting her decide which half of his words were sincere was totally fun. Gotta keep up the mystery. 

Connor shivered at the mention of loneliness. Was it so obvious what he sat here for? Could she smell the solitude on him? “That’s…observant. I guess.” He shrugged to hide his fear. Did she also know why he was lonely? He wanted to ask if she knew anything about a Mason Clad, maybe. If only doing so meant he wouldn’t have to explain who Mason was. Is. “Nothing. I wanted to prove that you could be confident.”

He lowered his finger, returning his hand to his side. A smirk played across his lips. “If everything’s explained to you, you’ll never learn. I’m so full of lessons today…like a textbook.” This time he allowed himself to laugh, a long, full sound that bounced off of the shadows in the room; it gave them the effect of joining in with the laughter, “You can’t change a person’s view. Even if you gave them all the ideas in the world, even if they put those ideas to use, they’re going to go with what makes them comfortable in the end. Is there a reason? Maybe. Am I telling you what it is? Not in your wildest dreams.” 

He thought they were over talking about the details of the kiss after his last mention of it. What he was looking for was a simple “yes” or “no.” This stranger didn’t know the meaning of “simple” or was either starting to reconsider her stance on the kiss. See the truth for once. “Denial is a rough river to swim through. Trust me. Leave before the current takes you away.”

Orion could feel her cheeks burning, still glad the room was too dark to let the stranger see the blush. “I... have never believed in Santa Claus.” She shrugged and decided not to elaborate on the subject, since she was probably already boring the other person and he most likely didn’t want to hear her story of her childhood, ‘raised’ by parents who could hardly remember her birthday. She didn’t need his sympathy and doubted she would even get any. This stranger seemed more focused on making her feel insignificant and like a bother.

“I don’t know that song. Most of my favorite songs are from musicals.” She awkwardly explained. Again, it was probably information he wasn’t interested in. Orion wished she could just shut up or walk out or do anything that didn’t involve embarrassing herself any further, while all she had wanted was to just watch a movie. she knew she should have stayed home and watched it there.

“I don’t think you can fit the definition of love in a dictionary.” She argued weakly. “A lot of pain is caused by love. The emotional kind, anyway...” She folded her hands in her lap to keep herself from fumbling with her clothing again. “I think it’s a nice idea to think someone can complete you. I don’t like to think I’m just me and that’s all I ever will be...” Too much personal information there. Great.

‘Lying is bad.’ The words were on the tip of her tongue, but she bit them back. She couldn’t bring herself to actually say them, turn herself into the biggest hypocrite. “That’s... That’s confusing, though.” She eventually replied, before biting her lip again. He was going to laugh at her sooner or later, she was sure of it. It had been a while since she had encountered anyone who had been rather obvious about being bored or irritated in her presence and it was really starting to mess with her head.

She nervously tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. “I, uh... observe a lot, I suppose.. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything, I just-- I wanted to let you know I understand...” She shrunk further into the chair, nearly falling out of it when the stranger actually laughed, loudly, making her feel sick to her stomach, making her wish she could just disappear right then and there. Her hand reached for her coat, the other grabbing a hold of her bag. She just wanted to get out of here.

“I-- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry...” She could feel tears burning in her eyes now and mentally cursed herself for being so weak, so sensitive, so stupid. “I’m not in denial.” She managed, though her voice was breaking a little. She turned her head away, hiding her face as she took quiet breaths in an attempt to calm down. She couldn’t storm out of the theater with tears running down her cheeks and she definitely didn’t want to face the world outside -- the busy streets -- with her current blurry vision and shaky knees.

[unicorion-blog]

All that I've missed I see in the reflection. Passed me while I wasn't paying attention. Tired of rushing, racing and running, I'm falling apart.

[unicorion-blog]

giblets for the cat ✩ open

[unicorion-blog]

eclipseofargus:

Connor knew what he was doing, making others feel uncomfortable to shift the focus from his less-than-honorable deal with her. People tended to let their guard down when there was something to keep their minds busy; he figured that was the reason why she had given into his offer without much debate. The two were strangers to each other and already she was putty in his hands. So, so easy! 

Unfortunately for Julio, Connor had no qualms about talking about sex. Though embarrassing the cashier was not intended, it added a nice touch to the already awkward environment. Gave Connor more joy in knowing that his influence stretched far.

A shake of Connor’s head answered her confusion. “Money solves many problems. Just not this one. Sorry.” The look on his face was far from apologetic, closer to that of nonchalance. “You could’ve fooled me. What’s on the menu? Cat food lasagna?” He gave her a once-over, biting away a laugh, “I’m no animal expert, but three bags might be too much.” How big was that cat? What was the bottle of water for? Why not buy more of them? What was she going to eat?

The eye contact they held was unexpected, seeing as though she avoided his gaze earlier. What brought about the sudden change? Surely she wouldn’t tell him off about his poorly-aimed cat jokes, right? No offense to her, but she set herself up for those.  At her introduction, he gave her the biggest grin he could muster. It wasn’t that he particularly cared about her name, it was his own that he loved to toss around like salespeople did a sales pitch. “Connor Argus-Ocampo. Remember it.”

Orion bit her lip, her hands fumbling awkwardly with the zipper of her bag. The only reason she wasn’t just walking away was because it would seem impolite after this person had offered to help her out. Even if it was for a ‘favor’, whatever that was going to turn out to be. Maybe it was because he was slightly intriguing, even if he made her feel entirely uncomfortable, but it was 99% because she didn’t want to seem rude.

“I know it doesn’t solve everything, but it’s all I have..” That wasn’t too big of a lie. She didn’t have much else to offer him. Her cheeks heated up at his question and she was quite sure she was close to resembling a tomato by now. “It’s-- It’s dry food, it doesn’t expire that quickly...” She cringed a little at the way he looked at her. Great, he probably thought she was crazy. “I work a lot, I don’t have much time to go out to buy cat food.” And she was wasting precious nap time right now. “So, I, um... just buy it in stock...”

She wrapped her arms around herself once again, feeling incredibly small underneath his gaze. It wasn’t until he said his name, that her expression slowly turned into one of recognition and... slight panic. Connor. Of course. Now she remembered where she had seen his face.

On the picture Mason had shown her on his phone.

This was entirely the worst time to bring that up, though. She was already tense and exhausted and she didn’t want to think about Mason while she was consciously -- yet not entirely deliberately -- avoiding him. Should she tell him, though? Should she tell him she had found Connor -- or Mason, rather?

Was she supposed to tell Connor that she knew who he was? That... Mason had been the one who had kissed her and then went on telling her how much he loved Connor? Oh gosh. She felt dizzy.

“I.... I should go now. I’ll.... see you later...” She managed, nervously glancing back and forth between Connor and the cashier once again.

[unicorion-blog]

imaginary ✩ gordon & orion.

[unicorion-blog]

goodgrxff:

It was almost an eternity since Gordon heard the smooth metal tracks of the subway system. And to think that he practically lived here. Those were the days squandering about aimlessly in life, begging for spare change near the toll booth and eating the street food cheese pizza on the benches just inside the station. That was before he’d been discovered. Now, this place was almost foreign, as if he opened up a novel and made it come to life. He’d forgotten the hustle of bodies, the grimy bricks, the low scent of hormones and urine. But, most of all - he’d forgotten how many people were here. Their eyes all wide on him, some daring to ask for a picture.

Gordon couldn’t bare to reject a soul. It was in his nature to soak in the attention, drink in it.

Somehow, it felt like he was lost in time, nearly losing track of his surroundings. And, during that time, he’d somehow ended up with a bag that wasn’t his. It looked similar to his. Gordon swore he was carrying it with him, but he disliked carrying his items on his person when someone had the daring courage to ask for a picture. Naturally, he probably had set it down somewhere.

The problem was that this was the New York Subway system. For all Gordon knew, his bag of shit could already be on the other side of the city.

His boss was going to give him shit. He was going to get it again, for the umpthteenth-bajillionith time, about how he should be more responsible. That reputation doesn’t make an exception for being careless and being reckless. Gordon had heard it exactly umpthteenth-bajillionith-minus-one times and was resigned to hear it once more.

Gordon tore through the bag like a rat scavenging for cheese. Lipstick - huh… He twisted the end, the dark red swirling out towards him, and applied some to his lips, tasting it only briefly. There was a scarf bundled in towards the side, and Mason threw it around his neck, warm against his jugular. Perhaps he’d keep this for himself.

Inclined to see if there was anything else worth keeping, Gordon nearly jumped when he heard his phone buzzing in his pocket to the theme song of his show. He quirked at brow at the passing eyes and clinched the phone between his ear and his shoulder. If people wanted a show, he’d give them one. “Samantha, thank Gordon you picked up. I just wanted to confirm that we’re still going through with the multi-million dollar settlement, correct?” He walked over to the corner of the underground station, making sure nobody was overhearing him. “I’m kidding,” he said, pulling out a filer from the bag and grinding it against the white of his nails. “You’ve reached Gordon, what can I do for ya?”

Luckily, Orion was still blissfully unaware of a certain stranger who was using her things as if they were his own. Instead, she was worrying most about having to speak to said stranger on the phone. She was slowly getting better at face to face interactions, but she still really disliked phone calls. Because she couldn’t pay attention to people’s body language, to their expressions. She always worried that every word she said could make someone angry.

She was quiet for a moment when the line connected, the silence extended by the strange greeting she received. Only when the other continued speaking, she finally found her voice again. “Well, um, my name is Orion Marin. I just got off the subway and, um.... I believe our bags got mixed up.” She nervously bit her lip for a second. “I’m sorry, I kind of went through your stuff to find your number, but I wanted to try to reach you before you left the station. I’m... assuming you’ll need your things and.... I need mine.”

The redhead wished it wasn’t so hard to basically beg him to give her back her things.

“I’m, uh... I’m still downstairs, but... we can meet outside if you’d like? It’s probably easier to find each other.” She was already late and at least she had a good excuse -- to get her things back and go straight back home, because this was costing her way too much energy. She wished she had her bag so she could take something against the upcoming headache.

“I’m really sorry for going through your things, I promise I didn’t touch anything else.”

[unicorion-blog]

imaginary ✩ gordon & orion.

In my field of paper flowers And candy clouds of lullaby, I lie inside myself for hours. And watch my purple sky fly over me.

Orion’s body was tense as she stared straight ahead, legs crossed tightly. The subway was crowded, as usual, and she wondered why she had decided to take it in the first place. In fact, she wanted nothing more than just get off at the nearest stop and take the next one home. She wasn’t in the right mindset to go to work -- the sole reason she was on her way to the hospital was because she’d gotten so numb, she stopped caring about anything.

But here she was, once again hyper aware of the people around her. She felt like everyone was staring at her, judging her, could see through her. The person next to her smelled nice, which was a bit of a relief in this type of crowd, but she didn’t dare to say anything, afraid that once she would speak, all her emotions would start pouring out. And the last thing she wanted was to fall apart completely on a subway train.

The stranger then got up, clearly needing to get off at the next stop. The doors opened, Orion nervously reached out to grab her bag, to make sure no one would trip over it and-- found nothing but air. Her eyes widened as she looked around, quickly locating the bag of the person who had been sitting next to her. Though it looked awfully similar to her own, she could tell that it wasn’t.

But that meant--

Orion nearly fell over as she quickly got up and grabbed the bag, pushing herself through the crowd of people and slipping through the closing doors. The ginger was out of breath for a moment, her heart racing. The station was almost as crowded as the train itself, disorienting her and making it hard for her to find the man who had been sitting next to her -- who had accidentally taken her bag with him.

Panic surged through her while she found herself nearly trampled by a wave of people trying to make it to their train, her fingers holding on tightly to the bag in her hands. Should she see if she could find some sort of identification on or inside of the bag? Maybe just a phone number? “Fudge, fudge, fudge...” She didn’t particularly want to go through someone’s stuff, but there was no way she was going to find someone in this crowd.

She pressed herself against a wall, clumsily unzipping the bag and browsing through the things inside of it. Colorful fabrics, some magic wands. Was this... the luggage of a magician? And then, at last, something resembling business cards. Orion took one of them, quickly closing the bag again and hoisting it up her shoulder while she pulled her phone from her pocket. Thank god, she hadn’t put it in her bag. Her hands trembled as she dialed the number. There was no time to send a text message, so she had to get over her intense discomfort with phone calls.

“Um, hello?”

[unicorion-blog]

fractured mirrors ✩ self para

//yo, heavy trigger warning here for self harm, please don’t read this if you get triggered, I don’t want to be responsible for any of that, I just needed to write this. Please, please, please be cautious. Okay, thank. x

I’ll let you see the good if you know me, I’ll show you all the bad if you love me, But, oh, only I know the ugly.

She could feel her heart beating steadily inside her chest, but it felt like it was inside her throat. A rush of adrenaline was in her veins. Brown eyes were staring at her face in the mirror, streaks of black covering her cheeks where her tears had made her makeup run. Her fingers were gripping on tightly to the round edges of the sink, body shaking more and more, the longer she looked at her reflection. Was it normal to feel so broken, so alone? Was this how she was going to have to live her life, forever? Was there no cure?

Perhaps she had to reconsider therapy. Maybe there was a way to make all these feelings go away. She’d lasted long enough before to get a diagnosis, but then they’d told her they didn’t really know what to do anymore. 

Well, neither did she.

Why was she such a sad human being, relying on such a selfish addiction to get her through life? 

She’d been sober, actually. For about a year. Maybe two. She had deliberately stopped counting days, had pushed it to the back of her mind entirely. The urges had been growing at first. Clawing at her insides, demanding more, more. Screaming for the numbness, the comfort of the stings as she moved her limbs, always reminding her of her filthy, dirty little secret. Those red lines on her thighs.

The healing was the worst -- the itching, the keeping her hands from scratching as her skin tried to mend itself, though even now, years later, white lines were still scattered across her pale skin. Taunting her, tempting her.

But only a few days ago, she’d messed up. She’d been unable to stop herself, too caught up inside her head. She’d screamed into her pillow, had cried for an hour, until she’d been too numb to care. It took a moment to remember where she’d hidden her supplies, but once she was holding the box in her hands, there really was no turning back.

Self-hatred grew almost overwhelming the moment she made the first cut, her hands trembling and tears blurring her vision. God, she was so pathetic. She was better than this, she’d fought it, she’d concurred it, she’d beaten her stupid addiction all by herself.

And yet she hadn’t. Because, here she was. It was like she’d just taken a small hiatus. And now the urge was just as strong as it was before. The first time, the first relapse, had been to cope. Today, there was no reason, other than the need, the familiarity, the comfort. 

Growing up, she had always called Theon her best friend, but he had never been able to calm her down like her blades had.

Here she was yet again, holding on to the sink, staring into her own brown eyes, seeing the pain and desperation inside of them. She let her eyes wander over her body then, her expression slowly turning into one of disgust and sadness. How could anyone ever want her? She was useless, incompetent, weak, stupid, a child.

Her eyes found the small box then, sitting there so innocently, yet holding such a monster inside. She thought of her parents, of Theon, of Mason. She was such a fool to think that anyone could help her, that anyone could really care.

She cried softly to herself as she reached out, opened the box, took out a blade. She was careful not to cut her fingers or hand. Though she had often been tempted to use her arms, she knew she would be found out easily if she did. Besides, her thighs were already messed up from the last time and the many times before.

As she pressed the sharp, cold metal against her skin, she looked up into the mirror one more time.

“I hate you.”

Her voice was a broken whisper, concealed by a weak sob. Then, she looked away, back down at her thighs, where she could lose herself in numbness and comforting pain, as she watched the blood well up, slowly at first, then faster, until it ran down her legs, creating patterns as multiple lines intertwined. 

She tried to convince herself that this was what was going to help keep her together, though as she continued -- cutting and crying, consciously scarring herself with every swift movement of her hand -- she really only could feel herself falling further and further apart.

[unicorion-blog]

emphaticallylily:

Nodding slowly, Lily looked down, still feeling pretty off about the way she had been acting. “Okay, I’ll stop,” she murmured, smiling again as she looked up to the woman before her. She really was thankful for her in many ways, especially how much she looked out for her. Maybe she could be the confidant she needed in a time like this. Biting her lip, she slowly bent down to pack her things up.

“Oh!” She laughed softly, shaking her head. “Food, it is always a good cause, I mean eating is essential,” she laughed. Her eyes closing just a bit with her mile as she nodded slowly. “I guess, I mean the lady said she would only be a few minutes late and that was,” she looked at her watch. “Seven, eight minutes ago,” she shrugged. “It’s been a few minutes,” she put the sign saying be back in a few up. “I offered, but we all know information is a dead spot, it’s why Susan always brings her knitting,” she laughed.

“Don’t worry, it’s okay,” Lily stood finally, grabbing her coat and backpack, meeting the woman in front of the counter. “It’s a dead zone, that’s why,” she showed her phone to Orion, chuckling. “No bars,” she teased. Nodding slowly she put her backpack on one shoulder, coat slung over her arm. “Yeah, but I guess it’s nice to have this here– Chinese! You’re speaking my language,” she grinned. “Home sounds– well, I rather be here, but yeah,” she looked down. “Do you want a massage? We can sneak into one of the empty offices to eat and I can rub your back a bit.”

“Yes, yes it is... essential.” Orion smiled. “Maybe you should bring your knitting next time.” She joked softly. “I’m sure time passes by a lot faster, then.” She doubted it would -- sitting behind a desk probably felt like ages, no matter how you occupied yourself. “I think it would be nice if you could watch movies or something. Maybe play board games.” What was she even talking about anymore? 

She glanced over at Lily’s phone and let out a soft laugh. “Can’t blame you if they can’t reach you.” She still felt kind of like she was breaking the rules by taking Lily away from her spot behind the desk, but the girl had looked so unhappy, Orion felt like it was her duty to try and cheer her up. “Are you telling me you speak Chinese?” She briefly wondered, tilting her head. “Because I certainly don’t.”

Orion felt her heart sink a little at Lily’s response to ‘home’, though she barely had time to think about it, with the girl’s next words bringing a blush to her cheeks. “O-Oh, um.. No, that’s... okay. I mean, eating is fine. It’s good. But you don’t need to-- My back will be fine.” Why was she so awkward? “If, um... If you don’t like being home, um... I just live alone with my cat. If-- If you ever want to come over and just....” What did they call that again? “.... Chill?” 

[unicorion-blog]

eclipseofargus:

This stranger was innocent, Connor knew of that much, so it was best to tread lightly. He was once innocent himself, forgotten by his parents, wishing he had an ounce of advice to guide him. He sat back, watching the movie during her explanation, not once glancing at her as he replied: “If a friend told you the sky was green, would you believe them?” A kiss was a kiss, no matter what the experience was like. 

Connor snorted at the word “soulmates.” He was only a shadow, separated from his soul…as he wanted to believe. He couldn’t get his own love life together. If he–without a soul–couldn’t, then there was no hope for those who did. And what about those who believed in the idea of multiple souls for one vessel? There were no such thing as soulmates. Acts of coincidences, maybe. “Does love actually exist, or is it lust wrapped up with a shiny bow?” He turned to her at the question, eyebrow quirked and chin resting on his hand. This answer begged for his full attention.

Her blush had gotten deeper, a stop light in the dark. He could barely hear her, so he shrugged. If it were that important, she’d repeat herself. “Relax.” Her movements were so difficult to follow, “You nervous types give me a rash.” Was that Connor’s attempt at consoling her? An insult? He wasn’t so sure.

“Clearly.” Some had confidence and some didn’t. It could be learned, though. And here was the first step: claiming those unspoken words. “Because what?” He smirked as if he were the devil on her shoulder. “Tell me. I promise I won’t bite.” Recommending movies? He paused before rolling his eyes. “We’re not kids in the sandbox. I’m not discussing movies with you. But it sounds like you had something else in mind?”

“The usual. Boring.” Connor faked a yawn halfway through her list. “Because you’re a quiet type. And the quiet types have lots of things to say. They have…other ways of speaking.” He leaned over to her, wanting to take her chin in his hand so that he could observe her lip, where there were bound to be some bruises. He held himself back, lifting a finger to point to her bottom lip instead, close enough so that she might’ve been able to feel its warmth. “That lip. You bite it when you want to say something. When there’s something on your mind that doesn’t fit the way others might know you for…being shy and kind…and you shut down. Backtrack. So you do have other things you tolerate. My view on love, maybe? That stolen first kiss?”

The redhead blinked slowly, caught off guard by the question. “I-- No?” She responded, feeling awkward. “Though... If they truly believed that it is or could prove to me that they were right, I might. I mean, if something was causing them to believe or see the sky to be green, I wouldn’t want to upset them and--” She stopped herself there, realizing she was going on about something irrelevant. “My-- My friend was just trying to comfort me.” She then said quietly. She’d been really upset and though she didn’t necessarily believe the words, she pretended Sammy was right, even if it was just to make her feel somewhat better about the situation.

Orion turned to look at him at his next question, only to look down at her hands when she found him looking at her in return. “I think it exists.” She replied. She was confident about that, at least. So she forced herself to look up again. “I think a lot of people mistake the two for each other, yes. And... perhaps sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference, I don’t know. But... it’s like.... like they describe it in one of my favorite songs. I think everyone has their other half and you just have to look for them. And sometimes you think you’ve found them and it turns out you were wrong. But maybe the pain you feel when that happens... is also love.”

She crossed her legs, flinched a little and uncrossed them again. “You just said you liked me..” She mumbled, frowning a little, though her heart was pounding roughly inside her chest. Was he deliberately making her feel uncomfortable and stupid? Could he possibly have another reason for speaking to her, when her insecurity and nervousness annoyed him?

“Because...” Was he really trying to drag those unspoken words out of her? Was he so desperate to hear her finish her sentence? Most people didn’t even seem to notice when she shut herself up mid-sentence. “Because I get lonely too.” She eventually admitted. “And then I... go watch movies.” God, she sounded so dumb, didn’t she? Wait, what was he saying now? “... What? Why--” Was it of any use to finish her question? Would he appreciate her wondering why he refused to talk about movies with her? What he was talking about? Or would she just sound like an idiot again?

Other ways of speaking. Was he talking about her body language or perhaps-- No, he couldn’t know. She nervously looked down at his finger, which was dangerously close to her lips. “I don’t know what you’re talking about....” She desperately wanted to curl further into herself, but the chair was already feeling uncomfortable against her body. “I could try to change your view or your opinions, but I’m sure you have your reasons for having them.”

What was she supposed to say? She didn’t let anyone in, didn’t let anyone see behind her image of being shy and kind and happy. Because everyone thought she was a positive and sweet ray of sunshine, didn’t they? And that was her intention. No one needed to know anything else.

“I can’t change that kiss. I can only... tell myself it didn’t count.”

[unicorion-blog]

giblets for the cat ✩ open

[unicorion-blog]

eclipseofargus:

Connor was in the middle of discussing a topic with Julio that would make anyone blush, when he felt a tug at his sleeve. Was it some kid? Who still tugged at sleeves? “One second.” He told the beyond-humiliated cashier, turning around to face the cat food stranger from earlier. Ah. He chuckled, shaking his head. “They always come back…” There was a pause before he leaned in close again. “Front door. Midnight. Don’t be late.” The store actually closed at eleven, but giving them an hour’s time was to make sure that other employees weren’t around.

With a quick spin, he faced the cashier again, startling him. “Change of plans, Julio. Looks like you’re going solo tonight. Don’t disappoint me. I’ll be calling to see how it went.” Connor laughed; it was unclear whether he was joking or not. Julio made a muffled cry, so ashamed.

He refocused on his new client, taking in her words, and frowned. “Money? Who said anything about money?” He never took money for his deals–as the currency seemed to come and go–so he took favors instead. They were more reliable and easier to hang over another’s head. If he ever needed anything, he had a list of people to call…

“As I said before, you’ll owe me a favor. What that favor is…I’ll have to find out. Know that…Yitzhak…right? And your other three million cats are thanking you. You should be proud.”

Orion gave a timid nod of her head. She was entirely too exhausted to really be out at midnight, but she supposed she could take a short nap before making her way back to the store. Her face flushed a darker shade of pink when the male spoke to the cashier again, making her feel... probably the most awkward she had ever felt in her life. And that said a lot. 

The redhead tilted her head in slight confusion when he instantly refused the money. She’d really hoped he would go for it, because she hated to live with the knowledge of owing someone a favor. Especially if the other person didn’t know what the favor was just yet. “I-- I only have one cat.” She stammered, wrapping her arms around herself. How humiliating that he already assumed her to be some sort of cat lady. Though it was most likely because she had been dragging those three bags of cat food around, but... she just preferred not to have to leave her apartment if she didn’t need to.

Not that she was going to tell a stranger that.

She eyed him for a moment, finally gathering up the courage to really look at him, instead of trying to hide her face (and blush). There was something familiar about him, but she couldn’t quite place him. Of course, she saw dozens of people every day and though she was good with names, faces sometimes got jumbled inside her head. “I-- I, um.. My name is Orion, by the way...”

[unicorion-blog]

eclipseofargus:

Connor hid a laugh by pretending to check on his bag of popcorn. She was in what he liked to refer to as the “Disney Princess Stage,” where love was this wondrous thought and kisses were end-all-be-all. “Barely? You either kissed or you didn’t. You have a long way to go.” He shifted in his seat to face her, forgetting about the movie. This conversation was far more interesting. 

“Not a day in my life.” The thought of him being tied down to someone for a long time–when everything else in his life was fleeting–didn’t make sense. “I’m positive there are more factors to worry about. I think marriage is barely a thing.” He teased, twisting his features in mock seriousness.

The next question made him sit up from his seat, eyeing her in amusement. “Ooh, this timid little rabbit has claws! I like you already!” Of course he was lonely, but he wasn’t going to reveal that. At least, not until his life story was made into a movie. He rolled his eyes at the comment on tolerance, “That’s why it’s a lesson. Not a course in a master class.” Her lip was going to bleed if she bit it even harder; Connor played a game in his head, guessing how long she’d be able to keep that flesh in between her teeth. Not for long, because she was already speaking again.

“Don’t you ever confuse being confident with being rude.” The words came out harsher than he intended, only because he’d told himself the same thing repeatedly growing up. He softened greatly (as much as his personality would allow, anyway), and continued, “It’s not just this movie. I like to stay and watch about ten movies a day. You really shouldn’t offer something unless someone’s asked of it specifically. Another lesson.” He wagged a finger. She smiled softly, but he pretended not to see it. “Is that so? Why am I finding that so hard to believe?”

Orion shrugged weakly, still pretending she was watching the movie, though her attention was definitely elsewhere. “I didn’t... want him to kiss me, so... My friend said it didn’t count as a first kiss.” She felt entirely stupid and naive, though she was just repeating what Sammy had told her. She wasn’t ashamed of her innocence, but she sometimes worried about how clueless she was.

“I know people don’t really get married anymore these days, but... I think it would be nice to feel like you belong to someone. Not-- Not like a property, but like... like soul mates.” She was bracing herself for the moment he would start laughing at her words. This stranger clearly didn’t believe in marriage and she was starting to doubt he believed in love. “I mean, when you love each other, you don’t need marriage to prove that to anyone, but I still think it’s a lovely tradition...”

Her blush intensified at his words. She hadn’t been trying to argue with him. Not really, anyway. “I’m sorry, I just... don’t think I understand?” Her voice was barely audible over the music that sounded from the large speakers surrounding them. The ginger shrunk further into the chair as the other berated her. “I-- I’m sorry...” She managed. “I just thought-- I mean--” She nervously ran a hand through her hair and chewed on her lip again, brown eyes focusing on the giant screen again, though she had no clue what was happening in the movie anymore.

“I’m not confident...” She eventually muttered, as if that hadn’t been obvious yet. “I just asked, because--” Because she could relate. Because she wasted all her free time watching movies by herself or just sleeping, because she was so, so lonely. “I thought maybe we could... recommend each other movies... Or something...”

He didn’t believe there wasn’t much she didn’t tolerate? Why was that? “Well, um... I don’t... tolerate violence or... a lot of cussing? Just... bad things like-- like bullying and hurting people and... stuff...” She almost added ‘lying’ to that list, but knowing very well she did that a lot, she decided not to add it. Better to not start being a hypocrite just yet. “Why... is it hard to believe I tolerate a lot?”

[unicorion-blog]

giblets for the cat ✩ open

[unicorion-blog]

eclipseofargus:

Connor rolled his eyes at the customer’s reaction. Why was she blushing? Was it because he mentioned sex? It was a natural thing, an occurrence that happened between others who had feelings between them! Was she really that innocent? She was gripping the cat food bags too tightly now; it was like her entire being coiled up like a spring. 

He was offering to break into the store for her with his powers later on to steal the food (and probably blame it on Julio because karma was a bitch), when she dropped one of the bags. Should Connor be taking this moment seriously, or was there a hidden camera and crew somewhere? He felt as if they were ready to jump out at any moment, asking him why he didn’t take on the role of a Good Samaritan and put her items on his tab (if he had one).

For some reason the customer was eyeing Connor and Julio now, as if they were going to hop on the conveyor belt and start going at it–her cheeks never losing their horrid pink glow. Julio buried his face in his hands, shaking his head repeatedly, just as embarrassed as she was. 

Connor grinned at the uneasy tension. He welcomed moments like these because he was able to shine as the one unaffected. It proved his strength.

She bent over to pick up the bag she dropped, uttering some words Connor tuned out. From her expression, though, he could tell she had refused his help. Was it his wording that turned her away? By “favor,” he meant that he was going to get to know her a little better, assess her strengths and weaknesses, and ultimately use her to his advantage. Nothing more than that. Nothing…dirtier than that. Oh well. 

Connor watched her head back to the section with the aisles, carrying the bags of food, stumbling in her heels. Something about that scene was both hilarious and very, very uncomfortable. “Send my regards to your cat?” He called after her, “My offer still stands. If you’re interested. I’d hate for your furry friend to go to bed hungry. Poor thing.” Turning back to Julio, he smirked. “Now, about tonight…”

Orion tried not to listen to the stranger when he called after her, but his words still got to her. Was she overreacting? Maybe the guy was really only interested in the cashier. Which was very likely, since she doubted he was interested in someone like her. Gosh, she had made a fool of herself, hadn’t she? Besides, he was right. She couldn’t just let her cat go hungry. Even if she gave him her food, he wouldn’t be eating enough or healthily, right? She was the worst owner, neglecting her child like that.

She put the things back on the shelves, while her mind was racing. What was she supposed to do? Should she just slip out of the store and pray she’d never run into either of those people ever again? No, she couldn’t possibly. Not when it involved Yitzhak.

Her cheeks were still burning with embarrassment when she returned to the check out, where she eyed the two males once again. Her voice was hushed as she awkwardly tugged at the customer’s sleeve and spoke to him. “What-- Where did you want to meet again?” She could already imagine her cat’s crying all through the night, making it impossible for her to get some well-needed rest.

She couldn’t help but be slightly worried about what the stranger had in mind. And she didn’t particularly like to be out at night, especially when she was already exhausted like she was. But if it was for her cat...

What was she doing? She could just get the food elsewhere or get some cash to pay for it. But it would feel like she was rejecting a random stranger’s kindness, no matter how wicked.

Or was she just interrupting a moment between these two?

“I don’t... have much to offer, really. I can... pay you. I do have money, I mean.. I just don’t have it cash, you know? I just-- Yitzhak needs food...”