⋆˚✿˖° scaring the shi out of the blue lock men : (yes it's only four but wtv we're on some sampler sushi shi ifyk what i mean)
Isagi yoichi
While on a date with Isagi, you thought it would be funny to reenact that one scene from Obsession you saw on your FYP to freak him out.
You bring up scary movies just to see how he'd react. When he tries to derail the conversation to something less horrifying, you shake your head slowly, standing up, "No, no, no, don't do that! I thought we were having a nice date!"
Isagi jolts, "Y?N, what—we are! Uh, please sit down."
You whine, making sure to make your voice wobble to sound eerily similar to Nikki, "Why does it matter? I thought we were having a nice day!"
Isagi looks more mortified at the possibility of doing something wrong than at the stares you're currently attracting.
When you get back in the car, you tell him it was all a joke, snickering. Meanwhile, he still looks pale white, "Oh man, I thought you were serious."
Never again.
sae itoshi
Sae wakes up at 3 am to go get a drink of water. However, he quickly screams when he catches sight of you standing in the far corner of the bed, watching him in the dark. He stammers, clearly caught off guard, "Wha—what are you doing?"
Your voice breaks as you wail, "I feel like you don't love me as much as I do."
He sits up, turning on the lamp, "What do you mean? I do love you—"
"Like it's not mutual!" You cry, playing the role scarily well, to the point that he thinks you're actually serious.
So much so, he pulls you into a hug, shuddering, "I do love you. Tell me, what have I done to make you think otherwise?"
You freeze, breaking out of character, "Sae, baby, I was joking. It's from a movie."
"It's from a...movie?" He's irritated for a bit, but you bat your eyelashes prettily, and he has no choice but to forgive you.
bachira meguru
To scare Bachira, you decide that once you're both tucked up in bed, you will scream as loudly as you can.
When you scream, his eyes snap open, "WHAT IS IT!? WHAT'S GOING ON? WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?"
You blink excruciatingly slowly. "What are you talking about, Meguru?"
He gestures frantically with his hands, "You just—" then drops them. "It's probably the monster getting into my head."
"Yeah, sit your schizophrenic ass down and fall asleep."
You both go back to sleep.
"..."
"..."
"AHHHHHHH—"
chigiri hyoma
"You know that shampoo you love to use, Chigiri?" You poke your head into the bathroom, watching Chigiri brush his shiny red hair.
"Yeah, what about it?" He asks, currently hyperfixated on smoothing out all the non-existent knots in his fiery tresses.
"It's discontinued."
Chigiri slowly turns around, a look of horror spreading across his face. "Say you're joking."
"Wallahi."
"Oh, my GOD. What am I supposed to use now?" He starts hyperventilating, "That was literally the only shampoo that ever worked for my hair!"
Unfortunately for Chigiri, this wasn't a prank.
a/n: ngl I would be upset if my favorite shampoo were discontinued
the first two scenarios were inspired by the movie obsession. I haven't watched it, but I've seen clips on YouTube and used what i saw in those in this. plus i know the basic plot soo...
multiple x reader ; featuring: isagi, bachira, rin, kaiser ; info: mayhaps a little ooc ; can you tell i adore kaiser ; notes: i was in morocco and my computer broke so i wasn't active sorry 🤧 this is small but i'm trying to get myself back into writing again. ts kinda a flop ✶
thinking about isagi who analyzes your every word to the point where he overthinks most of what you say. it's not his fault though, he just wants to make sure he never misunderstands you. he's trying to be the best boyfriend after all.
thinking about bachira who's your biggest cheerleader. no matter what you do, whether you succeed or fail, he's always rooting for you and encourages you to be the best version of yourself.
thinking about rin who despite having trouble verbally expressing his love for you, remembers every detail about you and listens to everything you say. make an offhand comment on how cute a certain item looked and best believe you'd find it on your bed the next day.
thinking about kaiser who's an absolute shithead. he'd spoil you in riches one day just to emotionally abuse you the next, then slither his way into your good graces with a bit of begging on the side.
𐔌՞ ܸ.ˬ.ܸ՞𐦯 . Miya Osumu with a partner that can’t cook.
| Synopsis: you genuinely cannot cook for your own life and your boyfriend is Osamu Miya. the owner of Miya Onigiri and a certified D1 food addict, Osamu literally lives to eat. Then there is you. who can’t cook at all , but hey—at least you try!
| Notes: Gender Neutral Reader , Time-skip Osumu, I got this idea base on my experience when I was beginning to learn how to cook and my mom kept on crashing out…because I didn’t know how to properly cut the carrots..
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Enjoy Reading (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)!!
For the life of you, you had never been able to cook independently. Emphasis on independently.
You were taught to cook—it was a basic human life skill, after all…but those lessons always happened with your mom or dad.
Eventually, they would lose their patience, snap, and take over. They knew you meant well but you were genuinely horrible at the kitchen and because of that you never really grew out of it.
you never learned how to actually cook and make the food or measure ingredients properly on your own.
You tried learning by yourself—You kept pushing yourself to try harder, even your parents did but no matter what, you somehow always failed.
You just had bad luck…I guess?
But it didn’t stop you, especially after you started dating Osamu.
Yet, every single dish you made turned into a disaster. The savory meals somehow became sickeningly sweet, and other dishes turned out so salty they tasted like seawater.
It was infuriating.
Yes, you could fry food but whenever it got to chopping, seasoning and cooking you’d fail.
You followed every recipe line by line and tried your absolute best. Still, every lunch or dinner ended in total failure, with you throwing the ruined food into the trash.
Which pained you to waste food and your hard work.
Out of options, you just resorted to ordering takeout or buying pre-made convenience store meals, replating them, and confidently claiming you cooked them yourself.
It sucked admitting that. Dating Osamu made the guilt ten times worse. You had lied straight to his face once, confidently laughing and bragging that you knew how to cook during one of your dates when you started going out—when you absolutely didn't.
You’d genuinely did not want to fumble this man at all, if you did you would be mourning and grieving.
So you panicked when he asked you that question—leading you to tell him a little white lie…to save your own dignity.
it was selfish but you didn’t want him to know how incompetent you were, especially since he owned HIS own restaurant and he told you he liked eating.
You were sweating balls and really really wanted him badly , and you bagged that.
You have no idea how you kept this up and him not finding out, but you were glad. After all—you just wanted to see was his happy face when he was eating!
Now, you had to face the consequences of that lie you told him when you first started dating . Because you can’t keep it up anymore.
Your chest tightened with a heavy mix of guilt and utter embarrassment. You were dating Osamu Miya—the person who could swallow an entire tray of onigiri in one single go and ran a highly successful food business
“Osamu,” you blurted out, taking a deep breath. You looked him dead in the eye. “I have somethin’ to tell you.”
He paused, a single gray eyebrow twitching upward. “You look like you're confessin' to a crime. Did ya eat the leftover spicy tuna onigiri in the fridge?”
“No! Not at all—it's just...” You threw your hands up in defeat, lowering your gaze to the floor. “I can’t cook. At all—I lied when I said I made that bento last month. I bought it, Samumu.”
The room went dead silent. You braced yourself for the heartbreak. Most boyfriends would go crazy or mock their partners for not knowing how to cook a basic meal.
You genuinely feared an immediate breakup.
Osamu stared at you for three long, agonizing seconds. Then, his shoulders dropped, and a soft, breathless chuckle escaped his lips.
“Babe,” Osamu said, his voice dripping with fond amusement. “I know.”
Your jaw dropped. “What? How?”
“I've seen ya try to cut carrots before,” he said, stepping closer and gently taking your hands in his warm, calloused palms.
“You were heavily strugglin' just to chop 'em. I had to step in before ya took off a whole finger.”
“I didn't say anythin' at the time because I didn't wanna crush your spirit. So yeah, I knew.”
“Why didn’t you point it out!” you whined, burying your burning face in his chest. His chest rumbled as he laughed, wrapping his arms securely around your waist.
“Didn’t want to make ya feel bad,” he murmured, nudging your chin up until you were looking at him again.
His grey eyes were soft, completely devoid of any judgment from your incompetence and long time secret. “You don't need to cook. That’s my job—I live to eat, and I cook to fill my appetite—and yours.” He then gave you a reassuring pat. “Besides, you try really hard. I’ve seen the food you tried makin' before ya threw it away, so I know ya still try.”
Your eyes widened against his chest, the warmth of his embrace suddenly feeling a little too exposing.
You pushed back just an inch, looking up at him with a mix of horror and utter confusion.
“You... you saw that?” you whispered, while your throat was tight.
The image of your shared apartment kitchen trash can—filled with charred chicken and ruined dishes—flashed through your mind.
You had spent hours weeping over those recipes, meticulously measuring things out, only for the food to betray you the moment you tasted it.
Osamu gave a soft, sympathetic sigh, his thumb gently wiping a stray tear from your cheek.
“Yeah, I saw,” he admitted gently. “A few times, actually…”
He then laughed.
“Walked in to surprise ya after work and saw ya dumpin’ a whole tray of croquettes into the bin and throwing that curry you made—You looked so miserable, babe.“
“It did!” you wailed, the frustration finally bubbling over as you gripped the fabric of his apron.
“Osamu, I swear I followed the recipes! I used the spoons! But it always turns out too salty, or the savory food tastes like dessert, and I just—I can’t do it”
You lowered your head, your voice dropping to a shameful whisper. “And then I lied to you. You are an amazing boyfriend, plus you like to eat a lot, and everyone loves your food. I wanted so badly to be able to make something good for you. I felt like such a failure of a partner.”
“Hey, look at me,” he said, his grip tightening to pull you firmly back against him. “I knew why ya did it. You wanted to make me happy. Though, I gotta admit, I was wonderin' how you magically mastered the exact curry of the convenience store down the street.”
“Shut up,” you groaned, your face burning as you swatted his chest.
“I'm serious,” he smiled, tilting your face up again so you could see the absolute sincerity in his eyes. “If you want to learn, you’ve got me.”
He booped your forehead and a playful smirk returned to his face. “Besides, I can’t have you throwin' away perfectly good ingredients. It breaks my heart to see food go to waste. So, from now on, we cook together. Deal?”
You stared at him, still a little worried. “Even if I keep making mistakes and you lose your mind?”
Osamu chuckled, leaning down to press a warm kiss to your forehead. “Then I’ll just have to adjust to your pace, won't I? We'll start slow.”
After that, he did lose his mind a bit—but he quickly calmed himself down. This was just another way to look at your relationship, you know?
Thank you for reading٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶!!
| Written by Jammy. Please do not copy and paste or feed my work into an AI. This was completely written by hand, thank you for stopping by and reading!
After a grueling match, you would be the breath of fresh air waiting in the stands to embrace your partner. You're also the type of girl who makes signs and screams at the top of your lungs during their games to show your support.
"GET THEIR ASS, YOICHI!"
"FUCK THEM UP, MEGURU!"
"YOU GOT THIS, RENSUKE!"
You didn't care if you got weird looks from other people in the crowd or if someone shot you a dirty look; you were determined to let your partner know you were their biggest fan.
As Isagi's partner, you're his outgoing counterpart. Always finding a way to make him laugh and smiling a ton when you're around him. And in those moments that he managed to make you laugh, you would laugh with your full chest. Sometimes you would be left breathless and still giggling.
As Bachira's partner, you would be his partner in crime. The golden retriever to his... um, golden retriever. You were the smiley, carefree couple that the media adored. Even when Bachira would start going on about his monster, you would first listen, then hit him with 'Are you sure this isn't a symptom of schizophrenia or something?' while suppressing your giggles.
As Kunigami's partner, he would be the calm one to your cheerfulness. Always making sure you didn't go too far with your antics. But that didn't mean he was any less silly. He was quite easygoing and loved hearing your (dumb) jokes. Being the honorable, passionate, and reliable boyfriend he was, he'd always be the first one to remind you if you'd forgotten something or buy you your favorite snacks when they ran out. How sweet.
࣭ ࣪ 💭 ̼ ۟ ࣪ ꔫ ۟ ࣭ kaiser and sae's cunty partner
You're known for your no-nonsense, luxurious, and dark femme lifestyle. You're confident, gorgeous, and most of all; fashionable. You're the type of girlfriend to show up to their games wearing all black but wearing the proudest grin on your face.
As Kaiser's partner, you would be his gem. The one person who could turn the ruthless emperor on the field into a lovesick, sappy man. He'd murmur German endearments as he slung an arm around your waist while the media lost their mind. Kaiser's always loved beautiful, confident women. And you were just that.
As Sae's partner, you would be the one person in his life who didn't manage to piss him off (affectionate). Whether he was grumbling about how 'useless' and 'lukewarm' the rest of the U-20 were, or muttering about his dream of becoming the best midfielder in the world, you were always there to let him lay his head on your lap as he ranted about his day. He could be as honest as he wanted around you without judgement. He liked that.
࣭ ࣪ 💭 ̼ ۟ ࣪ ꔫ ۟ ࣭ reo and chigiri's chic partner
Whether you're a model, rich nepo baby, a socialite or a broke girlie pretending to be rich, the internet loves you and the effortless calm you embody.
You spent your days shopping, flying from country to country, and attending your boyfriend's matches in between. Paparazzi would flock to catch pictures of you walking out of your favorite coffee place or just on your morning run. Which is kinda annoying now that I think about it.
As Reo's partner, he wouldn't let you spend a penny of your money. Despite (probably) having a lot of your own money to spend, he insists you use his card for everything. If you text him "do u like this dress? <3", he'll reply with "ITS GORGEOUS but add more diamonds bby I can afford it." By the way, if you don't want the diamonds, you can just give them to me.
As Chigiri's partner, you both have a glam-off every day. If Chigiri's getting praised for his looks on the pitch, you're getting praised for your looks in an endorsement. If the internet is fawning over Chigiri's hair, your hairstyle goes viral the next day. You're both the... epitome of glam. Aryu approves.
࣭ ࣪ 💭 ̼ ۟ ࣪ ꔫ ۟ ࣭ nagi and rin's weird partner
You're just a silly girl. Doing silly things in her silly room. You might not have a Porsche or a trust fund, but you're full of whimsy and joy and THAT. IS. OK!!! You're a broke baddie on a budget anyway. You'll send funny memes you see online and secretly have a fan page where you post edits and fangirlish posts of your partner. Plus, your sense of humor? Unmatched. (Yeah, yeah, self-glaze but wtv).
As Nagi's partner, you both would like to play video games together in your free time, and you'd let him complain about how much of a hassle it was to be famous. In exchange, you'll sit down in front of him, explain how 67 is connected to Icarus and Daedalus for a full hour, and he'll reply with 'oh. That's cool. Then when you show him the edits online of him and Reo, he'll again say 'oh. That's cool." Is that your only emote, bruv?
As Rin's partner, you get to have a lot of fun ragebaiting him. Whether you're spamming images of him in flow state with the caption 'who are you trying to show off the tongue for? whore' or sending him edits of him and Isagi ("WHAT IS THIS?" "The music's nice, Rinnie!"), You're always pissing him off. But it works in your favor cause you know he loves your energy, even if it's irritated. At the end of the day, he doesn't need to pretend to be Sae Itoshi's little brother with you. He's just Rin.
࣭ ࣪ 💭 ̼ ۟ ࣪ ꔫ ۟ ࣭ shidou's cool partner
If someone asked Shidou how to describe his partner, he would first say "that ass is out of this world" like the little freak he is then add, "she matches my freak"
You like buying clothes that make you feel hot and empowered, listening to songs that make you bop your head (crazy by LESSERAFIM, gnarly by KATSEYE) and you absolutely take the best photos. You've definitely encouraged Shidou to dye his hair. Also, you may or may not be the person hiding his hair gel every morning just to see him with his hair down.
You also have to tolerate seeing your partner flirt with Sae Itoshi on international TV.
a/n: oh no the narrator is sentient
ty for reading <3
also i forgot to mention that i absolutely do NOT read over most of my works 😭
The bllk boys winning and them running up to their kids and wife or
Them getting mad at the paparazzi of taking pictures of their kids and wife
Thank you and take care
mixed the requests a bit. hope you like it <3
⟡ ── shove the cameras up your ass | BLUE LOCK
papa!au ⭑ ♡
ITOSHI SAE !
after shidou was done clinging, sae walks off, briefly brushing away whatever bacteria shidou might have had gotten on him.
natsuki is right there, in your arms, waving at her papa with one hand, while chewing on her fingers shyly.
"sae," you call, smiling, gently placing natsu in his arms, "should've seen her when you were shown on the big screen."
"i stand by myself," natsu announces, grabbing her papa's face, "i stand and i—" she halts as the cameras' flashes irritate her. sae notices. you're too covering your face.
"oh god," you whisper, "careful with natsu."
natsuki burries her face into her papa's shoulder. and all sae does is say a loud 'enough.' they don't listen the first time. sae firmly repeats it again with a glare. thankfully, shidou took his shirt off and the cameras went to him. useful for once.
"you ok?" sae asks you. you nod as he holds your wrist with his free hand, "natsu. what then?"
"sorry papa...i forgot what i was saying."
"you stood by yourself."
"yes!! i stood and i cheer for you!"
ITOSHI RIN !
oh how sakura was so excited, in your arms, waving with both hands with a smile on her face when her papa jogged towards where you and sakura were.
and then that smile was gone when the cameras flashed flashed flashed.
she rubbed her eyes, hiding her face in your shoulder.
rin being the most overprotective of them all...glared and literally uttered out words that seemed like threats but really were not. he could have used those threats, yes. but there's his babygirl there so he doesn't.
honestly, the camera people don't learn. rin had to reluctantly move to them as with that papa glare™️, "match is over. enough pictures of me are taken, now get lost."
rin then walked back to sakura, taking her in his arms cause she's there and it's mandatory. he turns to you, asking if you're alright.
"im alright. but the 'get lost'... too much no? it will make a headline," you chuckle, knowing rin won't care. that's not his first 'itoshi rin being rude' moment.
ISAGI YOICHI !
after yoichi was done being tackled by his teammates after he scored and won, his eyes fell where you and yuki were.
yuki's smile got so wide after her papa noticed her, that made his heart melt. he zooms over. leaning over to cup yuki's cheeks, "saw me kiddo? see us win?"
"three goal," yuki says, holding up three fingers. he melts!
you chuckle, "you did good there," you smile as he leans over to peck yuki's cheek, then yours.
just then the cameras clicked clicked clicked. yoichi already knew the headlines would include some sappy shit like 'soccer star isagi yoichi celebration with family after winning' or even more cringe shit.
yuki covered her eyes, yoichi turned to the cameras, "guys, please..." nope. the cameras don't listen. to save the day, there's a shark, a bumblebee and a sadist to the rescue as the three avert the cameras away from the happy isagi family.
MICHAEL KAISER !
as the team wins, michael briefly daps the teammates before looking over to where you and anne are. he smirks, wiping his sweat as he steps towards you.
anne wiggles out of your hold to zoom to her papa...and then there's michael's clown friends that try to get anne to them.
anne runs back to you.
michael smugly tells them that the daughter is his. and that flops ain't really appreciate. the teammates still try with all the 'little anne~' and 'princess anne~', anne hides behind your legs.
michael chuckles, "skill issue."
"...you're literally her father."
michael crouches, arms open and just when anne was about to run to her papa, the cameras flashed. anne flinches. you flinch. michael goes dead silent.
the teammates hurry to tell the camera people to back off before they face michael kaiser's wrath. but kaiser gets up and steps forward.
you wanted to interrupt. michael could've grabbed that person's collar and what not. he doesn't. he smirks instead.
"what photos of me yeah? go crazy," then his tone turns scary again, "but camera away from them."
| Notes: I was just bored as heck, and they might be out of character , I don't know. Also, is it just me who likes SMAU??? Like, I love all SMAU creators and content , y’all are tuffff! Also I’m pretty sure Haikiyu!! was the og chat fic fandom, I remember binge watching so many videos….I still do it…
꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱ . Imagine being in the Death Note universe and you can’t die.
| Notes: I got bored and I rewatched Death note again and now it got me thinking, so i indulge in this thought of mine ig. I’m pretty sure we all thought of this, idk. I’m just bored…lemme know if i should do more
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Imagine being the most painfully average high school student imaginable. Your grades were perfectly decent, you had a normal family life, and your biggest concerns were simply passing your next test or avoiding the chores your parents would dump on you.
But then, one night, your entire world vanished when your house was targeted in a brutal mass murder. The news broke the following morning, interrupting every television station with flashing headlines: "Tragic Mass Murder Claims Entire Family."
It was a big deal since it was a brutal massacre. Your house was completely surrounded by bright yellow police tape, patrol cars blocked the street, and forensic investigators carried evidence boxes in and out of the front door.
On the broadcast, your neighbors cried into the cameras, describing your family as kind, polite people who never bothered anyone. And your friends of yours were shocked and stunned in silence with what had happened.
The only problem was that the police never found your body, which left the public deeply disturbed and questioning what had truly happened to you.
The authorities eventually announced that no one could have survived the severe injuries inflicted at the scene, officially declaring you dead alongside your parents.
The case quickly became national news because of its brutality, and detectives desperately hunted for leads.
They eventually captured the killers, who turned out to be a group of local teenagers. and because of a deeply flawed juvenile justice system, they didn't end up in prison for life; instead, they were sentenced to just a couple of years before being released right back into society.
But, you weren't dead at all. Hours after the incident , you woke up in a forest with your body screaming in agony.
The only thing you can remember was memories of that horrific night.
You remembered a group of teenagers breaking into your home and took your body to a forest to do a ritual. They were obsessed with the occult and convinced they had found instructions that promised unimaginable wealth and immortality. They were just cruel kids who believed that by offering lives believing they could receive power.
None of them actually expected it to work, and when nothing happened, they grew frustrated and did something to conceal your body leaving you alone in the forest.
The police searched every where and surrounding areas for weeks, but your body was never found.
Eventually, your legal status changed from "deceased" to "missing remains," though the world firmly believed those teenagers had done something horrifying to conceal your body.
When you finally stumbled out of the woods you went into a nearby convenience store, the television above the cashier nearly made collapse seeing you.
Your school picture was on the screen as a reporter spoke with absolute certainty, confirming that sixteen-year-old, you had been pronounced dead at the scene, despite your missing remains. Customers in the store began staring at you in shock, whispering about how identical you looked to the person on the television screen.
Being desperate and confused, you walked straight into the nearest police station to report that you were alive.
When you gave the officer your name, he frowned heavily, typed it into the database, and looked at you with deep suspicion, stating coldly that the person you claimed to be was officially deceased.
You tried proving your identity everywhere—undergoing fingerprinting, requesting medical examinations, and visiting government administrative offices—but every single attempt ended the same way, because you didn’t have anything to prove that you were that dead-body and afterwards they found your other remains in a deteriorated state.
The bureaucrats and officers just stared at you and believed you were using a poor kid to commit identity fraud, and without anything, you were truly a nobody.
Then, you decided that if you couldn't live properly, you would at least try to die, but every single attempt at ending your existence resulted in the exact same reality that you felt absolutely no pain, and you would simply wake up completely intact a few hours later.
Sometimes, bystanders would discover your motionless body and call the police, convinced they had stumbled upon a fresh corpse who died by committing.
But whenever you "died," the face of that physical shell would rapidly deteriorate into an unidentifiable state, ensuring the authorities could never tie it back to you.
Meanwhile, you’d simply wake up in a different location and completely unharmed.
You had no money, no legal name, no home, and no friends; every legal document tied to your existence listed you as dead, meaning you literally did not exist to the rest of the world.
Years passed and you lived in limbo, but your face never changed, and your body never aged a single day.
Then, the day arrived when the teenagers who destroyed your life were finally released.
They had grown older, some entering university and others securing corporate jobs, they even had families acting like they hadn't caused such a tragedy for a cheap thrill.
They certainly remembered you, though.
The exact moment one of them accidentally locked eyes with you on a crowded sidewalk, the color drained entirely from his face.
You began interfering in their lives, always hovering just at the edge of their vision, ensuring they caught glimpses of your unchanging sixteen-year-old face wherever they went.
At first, they convinced themselves they were suffering from guilt-induced hallucinations, forcing them to call a reunion.
Frantically questioning one another, completely unable to explain why the person they had attacked kept appearing in places they shouldn't be. And saying: “Shouldn’t they be dead?”
So the torment and pure paranoia consumed them, destroying their relationships and driving them to quit their jobs . One of them even ran into a police station, screaming and begging for help, but the officers simply dismissed him as someone just suffering from guilt, even if he had taken pictures of you, they dismissed it.
You continuously taunted them one by one, until they succumbed to their own despair.
Because this occurred during the Kira timeline, the public assumed Kira had passed judgment on the murderers, executing them for their past crimes.
Only two people in the entire world knew something was wrong with that narrative: you, and Light Yagami.
This completely infuriates Light. While he sits in his bedroom, staring at the television, his composure was slipping.
He knows exactly who he has killed, and he definitely did not kill these men. He already planned to kill them in advance so , why did they die so early?
To Light, this means one thing either, there was a killer on the loose for revenge and needed to be judge by Kira.
So he used Soichiro police login credentials, and pulls up the autopsy and investigative files for the dead .
In the official police reports, the ppl who were interrogated before their deaths all babbled the exact same, insane story to the detectives.
They were claiming to be stalked by a ghost—specifically, the sixteen-year-old they had killed and sacrificed in the woods years ago.
The police dismissed it as drug-induced guilt, but Light notes that one of the terrified men actually managed to snap a blurry, frantic photo on his flip-phone before he died.
Then the more he looked through the files, the official report from years ago documented how an identical teen was claiming to be alive, as the victim of the infamous family massacre.
Light zooms in on the phone picture. Standing in the background of a rainy street, staring directly at the camera, is a person who looks entirely identical to the "missing remains" victim from the old news archives.
He refuses to believe in ghosts like, yeah, Shinigami exists but he genuinely did not believe in ghosts.
To find you, Light just used the National Police Agency's vast network of street and subway security cameras.
And inputs your sixteen-year-old face from the archives and sets the program to scan for any matches.
Because you spend your days wandering around Tokyo city and interacting with passersby, it only takes twenty-four hours for the system to ping. Flagging a live match at a specific intersection in Shinjuku and multiple various locations all over the city.
Light immediately closes his laptop, grabs his jacket, and began searching the city until he finally spotted you wandering the streets , looking exactly like the sixteen-year-old in the old news archives.
As Light watched you from afar, Ryuk hovered beside him, unnerved and questioning why his Shinigami eyes couldn't see your lifespan.
Ryuk warned Light that while your name was visible, your timeline was completely blurred out, admitting that he felt something deeply off about your presence. He genuinely didn’t know what to feel like but he was entertained by the presence. But it confused and creeped him out.
This only made Light intrigued and annoyed, furthermore , he viewed you now as an actual threat to his new world and became determined to find out.
He began following you for hours, but you absolutely did nothing. When he was stalking you.
Eventually, you grew incredibly irritated by his constant stalking. Knowing you were being followed, you intentionally turned down a dark, isolated alleyway to lead him into a confrontation.
When you freely gave him your name, Light didn't hesitate; he covertly wrote it down on a hidden scrap of the Death Note and turned away as the forty seconds ticked down.
Ryuk watched in visible discomfort, feeling an eerie sensation that you could see him, right before the heart attack struck, Light heard your body collapse onto the pavement.
Light thought the issue was finally taken care of, but his triumph was short-lived
Because the next day you came back and you were waiting for him at his outside door.
Yeah no, he hated you and wanted you dead—desperate to find a way to make you stay dead, while Ryuk was amused by the look of pure horror on light’s face.
Bartender rin itoshi x gn! fat lazy loser suicidal depressed procastinator chud reader
!! cw: age up, mentions of suicide and alcohol, 67, NOT PROOFREAD, RANDOM BULLSHIT GO, idk shit abt alcohol and bars (i jus a babeh! 🥺(jk pls dnt scroll)), 1k words, idk what else to add
a/n: IM STILL A NEWGEN FIC READER DONT KILL ME genuinely js made up some bs bruh, ended short bc idk what else to do sryyy ^^
p. s not self projection bc i doomscroll on tiktok not insta
Everything in your life was going wrong. All your exam results had come back, and not a single one you passed. Even after hours of gruelling studying, 67 doomscrolling breaks, no socialising, you still got shit marks, in all subjects, all scores under 20%. At first, you thought this was just some sort of sick joke, but no, this was the reality. You couldn't help but laugh, then that laughing turned to absolute sobbing. It was hilarious, how much effort you put into these exams, declining all the times your friend’s invitations to hang out, even distancing yourself from them, just for it to mean nothing.
You always struggled with studying, it didn’t help that you had awful depression and procrastinated at every task, and your parents screamed at you every second to study. Every single thing just demotiviated you, you could’ve sworn you were looking at revision sheets, but you always found yourself on Instagram, just watching car crashing reels. You deflect all the times your parents query about your exam results, but it was inevitable, they eventually found out. Indubitably, they were furious, threatening to kick you out, and just other awful threats.
Well, at least you still have your boyfriend who’ll love you regardless, right? Nope, you receive a text message from a classmate, breaking the news of your boyfriend and best friend secretly hooking up without your knowledge. You couldn’t even cry, or even care. You know what life really wants from you, life wants you to kill yourself, and you were already preparing the noose. Before deciding to end your miserable life, you suddenly have the bright idea to try things you’ve never done before, one of them being drinking. From all the parties you rejected, you never had the chance to drink alcohol. Even if you wanted to, your parents would absolutely beat your ass if you even thought about it.
You put on a jacket, and sneak out of the house, walking to the closest bar. You step foot into the place, the warm lights make your eyes rest easily, and the atmosphere is lively, with lots of people conversing joyfully and the scent of alcohol hits your nose almost immediately. You look around, not sure where to go, this wasn't like the movies at all. You see a dark green haired bartender, skillfully mixing up a drink, with seats empty in front of him. He had a bored expression on his face, constantly glancing up at the clock on the wall, you can tell he was ready to leave this place.
You thought to yourself “Surely he’d be willing to help me? Well he has to, it’s his flippin job, am I genuinely stupid bro? ”, so you approach his empty corner, and take a seat.
He notices you, “Hi. What can I get for you?“, he says in a monotone voice. Your eyes flicker to his name badge, the text says: ’Rin Itoshi’. The name sounded familiar, then it hit you, this was the famous football athlete, little brother of Japan’s best midfielder.
You're too lazy and exhausted to freak out, you just wanted the pain to go away.
“The strongest alcohol you can offer me.” You say bluntly.
Rin stays quiet for a hot second, “ID?” he sighed, looking back up at the clock, he's going to have to deal with a drunkard until the bar closes. You hand over your ID, he checks it, making sure it's not a false ID.
He tilts his head, “You're new here, have you had alcohol before?” he asks.
You shake your head, “Nope, not a drop.” you say honestly.
Rin frowns in disapproval, and a little bit of concern, “You should try something light first.” he suggests.
“I’m the one paying, aren't I? Fudging shut up, and just grab me your strongest bottle.” You snap at him.
He sighed, he definitely doesn't get paid enough for this bullshit. The guilt of snapping at him punches you in the gut almost immediately. The poor guy is just trying to do his job, and it was very considerate of him to even ask if you wanted something lighter.
You open your mouth once again, “Sorry, genuinely, I-I didn't mean to yell at you like that..” you quickly apologize.
“You know, I know you don't care but like, life has just rammed its dick so far up my ass, for no reason. No preparation whatsoever, it's like I’m destined to be a failure and just to be a ceiling decoration. Do you get what I mean? Ugh, it's just whatever, forget what I said. ” You added.
Rin’s eyebrow raises at your interesting analogy, still staying silent and preparing himself for what comes next , knowing you’ll continue on with your tepid life.
You entered a trancelike state, you wanted to stop trauma dumping on this poor bartender, but you couldn't stop yourself. Everything that’s been happening to you this whole year, is just blurted out into 30 minutes. Your eyes began to water and burn, just being reminded of your wretched life just made you wanna restart from the start. You wondered for years, what did you do to deserve this hell? If it were anyone else, they’d probably kill themself too. Such a pitiful, meaningless life you lived, every step you took, every breath you breathed in, was a waste. You didn't deserve to be alive so long, or even exist.
Tears begin to spill silently, and Rin has an unreadable expression on his face. His long fingers push a glass towards you, the glass has a clear liquid, filled halfway. You tilt your head, it just looks like water to you, but it must be some hardcore liquor.
You hesitantly take a sip, not sure what to expect, and.. It just tastes like water?
“What is this?” You questioned, taking another small sip and taking a closer look at the mysterious liquid whilst swirling it around in the glass.
“Water, dumbass. You need this more than anything.”
2k followers event, request no. 19: Everyone knows Rin Itoshi is hopelessly in love with his fiance, but no one expects Sae Itoshi's deadpan interview to reveal that he's calmly wondering why his future sister-in-law seems to hate him.
The wedding is only a few months away and at this point, the entire football world seems to know one thing with absolute certainty.
Rin Itoshi is hopelessly in love with his fiance.
There is no hiding it anymore. There never really was.
Every interview somehow circles back to you. Every press conference becomes another opportunity for reporters to tease him. Fans have already accepted that the world's coldest striker possesses exactly two personalities— one reserved for football and one reserved for the woman he's about to marry.
Once an interviewer asked him with an amused smile,
"So, Rin... what's the greatest thing that's ever happened to you?"
The audience expected the usual answers. Blue lock, world cup, his career or a championship.
Instead, Rin barely let the question finish.
"My fiance."
The silence that followed lasted barely a second before everyone in the room cheered.
The clip went viral within the hour.
People joke that Rin Itoshi spent years becoming the world's best striker only to become the world's most devoted fiance.
Even his teammates stop pretending they're surprised. Because honestly...
They're not anymore.
A week later, another interview begins trending.
This time... It's Sae.
Unlike Rin, Sae almost never agrees to interviews outside football. He dislikes unnecessary conversations, dislikes attention even more and has mastered the art of answering questions with as few words as humanly possible.
Which is exactly why everyone tunes in even more.
The interviewer smiles politely.
"We've talked about football quite a lot today. So let's ask something different."
Sae remains silent.
"Your younger brother is getting married soon."
"Yeah."
"How do you feel about his fiance?"
Sae blinks once.
He stares at the interviewer with the same expression he'd wear if someone had asked him why rain falls from the sky.
"She's strange."
The interviewer laughs softly. "Strange?"
Sae nods.
"She dislikes me and I don't know why."
His tone is completely matter-of-fact.
The interviewer chuckles.
"You've never asked?"
"I did."
"What did she say?"
"Nothing useful."
The corners of the crew's mouths twitch.
Sae continues as though he's discussing the weather.
"I've never done anything to her." Another beat. "As far as I remember."
The interviewer covers her mouth, trying not to laugh.
"So... she doesn't hide that she dislikes you?"
"No."
The interviewer finally regains her composure.
"So... do you dislike her?"
He looks vaguely puzzled.
"Why would I?"
The question comes so naturally that it almost catches everyone off guard. He genuinely sounds confused by the suggestion.
The interviewer smiles.
"Well... she doesn't seem very fond of you."
"...That's her decision." He shrugs. "It doesn't bother me."
Then, after a brief silence, he adds quietly,
"She's good to Rin."
The atmosphere shifts almost imperceptibly.
Sae's expression doesn't soften much, but his voice does.
"He laughs more and that's enough."
The interviewer smiles.
"So... you're happy for him?"
"...Yeah." He exhales quietly through his nose. "Football wasn't enough. He needed someone."
Silence settles across the studio.
The interviewer asks gently,
"And... Is she the right person?"
Sae answers without hesitation."Yeah."
The interviewer smiles wider.
"You sound very certain."
Sae sighs quietly.
"I've accepted it."
"You make it sound exhausting."
"It is, but..." He looks directly into the camera. "Rin's happy. So I don't care."
The interviewer smiles warmly.
"Sounds like you've accepted her into the family."
Sae's eyebrow lifts slightly. "I accepted her months ago but it seems like she hasn't accepted me yet."
The entire studio erupts, even the interviewer has to lower her cue cards because she's laughing too hard.
Sae watches everyone with complete indifference.
"I still don't know why she dislikes me."
By the evening... The interview is already everywhere.
You and Rin end up watching it together in the living room.
The television glows softly in front of you while evening sunlight filters through the curtains. Rin sits beside you on the couch, one arm lazily draped around your waist, your back resting comfortably against his chest.
The interview begins.
The moment Sae calmly says, "She's strange." you blink. And then slowly turn toward Rin.
"...Did he just call me strange?"
Rin stares at the television for another second before looking back at you.
"...I think he did."
You gape. "I haven't even done anything."
Rin looks at you. "You glare at him all the time."
You fold your arms.
"That's because he hurt you."
A quiet snort escapes Rin.
Then the interview continues.
"She dislikes me and I don't know why."
Both of you freeze.
You slowly look toward Rin, Rin slowly looks toward you.
"...Why does he sound genuinely confused?"
Rin doesn't answer immediately. His lips twitch.
"...Because he is."
You look at him in disbelief. "Whose side are you on?"
Rin answers without even thinking.
"Sae's."
Your jaw drops.
He finally snorts.
"I mean..." He squeezes your waist gently. "He's telling the truth."
You huff dramatically. "I don't like either of you."
The interview continues and then Sae says, "She's good to Rin." The laughter in the studio fades, so does yours.
Rin's arm tightens instinctively around your waist and neither of you looks away from the television.
"He laughs more and that's what matters."
You feel Rin go completely still behind you, so still that for a moment, you can hear nothing except the interview.
Then—"Football wasn't enough."
Your breath catches.
Rin lowers his head slightly until his forehead rests against your hair.
Neither of you say anything, there isn't really anything to say anyway.
Sae never speaks more than necessary, which somehow makes every word feel heavier.
Then the final line arrives.
"I accepted her months ago but it seems like she hasn't accepted me yet."
The studio bursts into laughter.
You don't, you simply stare at the screen.
"He..."
Rin finishes the sentence quietly." Has accepted you."
You blink several times. "When?"
Rin shrugs."...Probably before either of us noticed."
You let out a small, disbelieving laugh. "I've been preparing arguments every time I see him. And he just..."
Rin finishes your sentence. "...Didn't care."
You bury your face in your hands."Oh my God."
Rin finally laughs.
"I told you."
You peek at him through your fingers. "Told me what?"
"That's just how Sae is."
You groan.
"So I've been fighting an imaginary battle?"
"...Looks like it."
You narrow your eyes. "I'm still not apologizing and I'm still glaring at him."
"Ok?"
"I still don't like him."
"I know." Rin's smile softens.
"But..." He gently takes your hands away from your face. "...You'll still become his family."
You meet his eyes. They're warm, quiet, filled with that unmistakable affection that always seems reserved only for you.
He brushes a loose strand of hair behind your ear before resting his forehead against yours.
"...He wouldn't have said any of that if he didn't mean it."
You smile faintly.
Rin studies your face for a long moment before the corner of his lips lifts.
"And..." His thumb strokes your cheek. "...Now everyone knows."
You tilt your head. "Knows what?"
His smile grows just a little.
"...That my brother already considers you family."
Before you can answer, he leans in and kisses you softly.
When he pulls away, your forehead is still resting against his.
His voice drops into a quiet murmur.
"And in a few months..." Another gentle kiss. "...You won't just be my fiancée anymore."
His fingers lace with yours.
"You'll be my wife."
Heat immediately rushes to your face.
Rin watches you blush with obvious satisfaction before letting out the smallest smile.
"...Cute."
You hide your face against his shoulder with an embarrassed groan. "I liked you better when you barely talked."
He presses one last kiss to the top of your head. "...But you're still marrying me."
And despite everything, despite Sae's confusion, your one-sided rivalry and the entire football world teasing the three of you—
a/n: this is for giggles only, no serious allegations 😭
also i will not be watching the world cup anymore IDCCC I WANTED MBAPPE TO WIN so i will be finding out match results through social media and through anyone who would like to update me
there is a video somewhere on facebook (uploaded by his mom in glorious 240p quality) of 6 year old isagi standing in front of his elementary school class with a bowlcut so tragic that it genuinely looked like someone balanced a mixing bowl on his head before attacking it with kitchen scissors, confidently announcing that his dream was "to become the strongest dinosaur." not soccer player. DINOSAUR.
when his teacher gently reminded him that dinosaurs were extinct, little isagi burst into tears and yelled, "then i'll be the first one back." every birthday, his mother comments "my little t-rex 🦖💙" under his instagram posts, and his teammates have absolutely found the original video.
during middle school he went through an intense motivational quote phase where every single one of his posts was a blurry sunset with captions like "winners never quit. quitters never win. #grind #mindset #dreambig" despite the fact that he was literally 13 years old and had homework due the next day.
bachira once unearthed the account and now randomly sends him screenshots whenever isagi starts giving tactical speeches. "weren't you the one who said 'pain is weakness leaving the body' after failing your math quiz?"
he accidentally replied "love you too ❤️" to his dentist (he thought it was his mom) after they texted "see you next week!" and didn't realize until 3 days later. he changed dentists.
his first email address was something like [email protected] because 12 year old isagi believed there was a chance nike would email him directly.
his mom still owns a video of him trying to recreate a bicycle kick in the backyard, completely missing the ball, flipping over anyway, and somehow kicking himself in the forehead. you can hear her trying not to laugh behind the camera while asking if he's okay. he responds with a thumbs up before immediately starting to cry.
itoshi rin
rin genuinely believed he was mysterious in middle school. in reality, he was just... 13. there is an old instagram account consisting entirely of blurry pictures of rain puddles, empty hallways, electrical poles, and black-and-white photos of his own shoes with captions like "..." or "nothing lasts forever." he posted these from an iphone 6 while his mom was texting him asking what he wanted for dinner.
when he first discovered english, he refused to use google translate because he thought he was "figuring it out naturally." he wasn't. there is still an old bio floating around somewhere that proudly read: cold... never giveing up... wolf spirit... football is my destiny... don't disturbing me.
sae found it within 30 seconds.
as a kid he was interviewed after a youth tournament and, with his entire face covered in juice from the orange slices they gave everyone afterward, looked dead into the camera and said, "i don't have friends because they slow me down." right after finishing the interview, he walked over to his teammate and asked if they wanted to trade pokemon cards. the contrast hurts.
there exists security camera footage from a grocery store where he walked directly into one of those automatic glass doors because he expected it to open faster than it actually did. instead of checking whether anyone saw, he stared at the door like it had hit him.
he once got caught practicing intimidating facial expressions in his phone camera before a match because he wanted to "look scarier." buttt, he forgot the front camera was recording. the video is just 5 straight minutes of him furrowing his eyebrows in complete silence before sneezing out of nowhere.
itoshi sae
sae had the opposite problem: his digital footprint is almost nonexistent... except for the tiny handful of things that somehow make everything worse.
there is exactly one surviving family video from when he was around 9 years old where he confidently performed an entire dance routine during a school festival. it’s because he misunderstood the assignment and thought everyone had to commit. his expression never changes once. he performs every move with the seriousness of someone conducting heart surgery while wearing a glittery cowboy hat two sizes too big.
when he first moved overseas, he confidently started using spanish slang he'd overheard from his teammates without fully understanding what any of it actually meant. one day after a match, he wanted to congratulate one of them and proudly went, "felicidades, papi (congratulations, daddy).” the locker room went dead silent for exactly one second before everyone completely lost it.
he once appeared in the background of another player's vlog carrying 9 grocery bags because he'd refused help. halfway through the parking lot one bag broke, oranges rolled in every direction, and instead of reacting like a normal person he simply stared at them for a full 10 seconds before sighing like this couldn’t have been avoided and it wasn’t his fault.
he thought "photo booths are a waste of money." someone dragged him into one anyway. every single strip gets progressively worse because he clearly doesn't understand what you're supposed to do. first picture: 😐. second picture: 😐. third picture: slightly smaller 😐. fourth picture: blinked.
his childhood haircut deserves prison time. nobody talks about it because they're scared of him, but the evidence exists…
nagi seishiro
nagi's entire digital footprint is basically proof that nobody should've given him unrestricted internet access before the age of 13.
there are years worth of abandoned youtube channels with names like epicdragonmaster72, nagi_gamez_real, and minecraftproofficial2, each containing exactly one upload before he got bored. every video starts with, "uh... hey guys..." followed by 23 seconds of silence because he forgot what he wanted to record.
he once accidentally left his microphone on during an online game and recorded himself arguing with his mom because she told him to take a shower.
"5 more minutes.”
"you said that 40 minutes ago."
"yeah, but now i mean it."
the clip has been reposted so many times that even professional players quote it at him.
there is a photo from elementary school sports day where every child is smiling except nagi, who's lying face-down in the grass because he decided the event had "gone on long enough." teachers initially thought he'd fainted. he was just bored.
his search history would kill him. i’m talking:
can you microwave frozen pancakes.
how long can clean clothes stay in basket before technically dirty.
do plants know if you forget to water them.
is sleeping 12 hours actually bad.
he once confidently answered "yes" during a school presentation after the teacher asked, "does anyone have any questions?" the entire classroom stared at him. he had misheard.
mikage reo
reo's family tried very hard to give him a polished public image growing up. unfortunately, they couldn't stop him from being deeply, painfully enthusiastic.
there is a professionally filmed video from a charity event where 10 year old reo confidently walks onto stage, trips on air, disappears below the podium for a full second, stands back up, brushes imaginary dust off his suit, and continues his speech as if the laws of physics simply didn't apply to him. the audience applauded harder after the recovery than the speech itself.
he had an embarrassingly intense "gentleman" phase after watching old movies where he'd insist on introducing himself by kissing the backs of elderly women's hands. everyone thought it was adorable except him years later, when his grandmother showed the compilation during his birthday dinner and joked about how this is why his elementary school teacher hit on him.
his first ever username was something like richboy_reo because he genuinely thought people would assume it meant he was "rich in personality." nobody assumed that.
middle school reo discovered expensive cologne and interpreted "one spray is enough" as "they're lying." there's an old class photo where every student is smiling except the one directly behind him, whose eyes are watering because the scent cloud was apparently visible to the naked eye.
before he met nagi, he tried making motivational workout content online. one particularly infamous clip features him enthusiastically saying, "if i can do it, so can you!" before quickly slipping off a balance ball and vanishing completely out of frame. whoever edited the video zoomed in, replayed it 3 times, and added meme sound effects. he accidentally uploaded that version instead of the original and didn't notice until it had already accumulated thousands of views.
even years later, nagi still occasionally watches it when reo starts acting a little too smug. "you gonna finish lecturing me... or are you gonna fall off another yoga ball?"
"delete that video."
"mmm... no."
bachira meguru
bachira's mom absolutely documented everything. every birthday, every school recital, every random tuesday where he decided wearing rain boots with pajamas was "fashion." buttt for him, she also believed facebook albums should contain no fewer than 387 PHOTOS each. there is an entire album titled "meguru discovers worms!! 🪱💛" consisting of him enthusiastically introducing individual worms to the camera like they're distinguished guests at a dinner party. "this one's really nice. his name is noodles." he was 7 years old.
he went through a phase where he thought beatboxing was the coolest skill a human being could possess. he wasn't good at it tho. there are dozens of voice memos on an old ipad that are just "boots and cats and boots and c– pffft– hold on." once, he accidentally sent one into the class group chat instead of his homework. nobody let him forget it for the rest of middle school.
there is a clip from a youth tournament where the interviewer asks, "what motivates you to play soccer?" and bachira, after thinking very seriously for a moment, goes, "the little monster in my head.” complete silence. one parent in the background quietly asks, "... should we tell someone?"
he made one of those "day in my life" videos as a kid and completely forgot other people would actually watch it. halfway through, he proudly shows the audience the tiny pebble he's been carrying around for 3 weeks because "it has good energy." the comments were split between "this kid is adorable" and "i think he's communicating with spirits."
when he laughs really hard, he still occasionally snorts exactly like he did when he was 8. there is no escaping your genetics.
shidou ryusei
shidou's digital footprint is less "embarrassing" and more "how are you still allowed to participate in society?"
there is security camera footage from a convenience store where he walked in, saw one of those inflatable tube men outside through the window, pointed at it, and shouted, "HE'S JUST LIKE ME!" before sprinting outside to hug it. the tube man reflexively smacked him across the face.
he once accidentally livestreamed himself trying to cut his own hair because "how hard could it be?" the answer was very. halfway through, he realized he'd created an accidental bald spot, stared into the camera for a solid 10 seconds, sighed, and muttered, "well... we're committed now." he emerged the next day wearing a beanie in the middle of summer and claimed he was “trying to be a trendsetter.”
there is an old school disciplinary video where teachers are trying to explain why climbing onto the gym roof is dangerous. "why did you do it?"
"wanted to see the sunset."
"... during math class?"
"yeah?"
he downloaded one of those voice changer apps and spent an entire weekend prank-calling his own friends pretending to be an old lady. everyone knew it was him because he'd randomly start laughing halfway through every sentence.
there's a clip of him celebrating a goal so aggressively during a youth match that he tripped over absolutely nothing, rolled 3 times across the grass, stood back up with both thumbs in the air, and somehow got an even louder cheer than the actual goal.
karasu tabito
karasu had the confidence of someone who genuinely believed he was the funniest person in every room. sometimes he was. sometimes... he was not.
his middle school youtube history is full of videos titled things like "top 100 savage comebacks" and "how to roast people instantly." he memorized them like they were flashcards. one day, he confidently hit a classmate with, "yer built like an expired yogurt."
"... what does that even mean?"
"... i dunno."
there’s an old video from a school festival where he volunteered to emcee because he thought he'd absolutely crush it. he spent the first 30 seconds making jokes that landed perfectly... and then confidently introduced the wrong performance group. the poor elementary choir walked onstage while he proudly announced, "LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE KARATE CLUB!"
he went through a phase where every single instagram caption ended with a smirking emoji because he thought it made him look cooler.
good game 😏
pizza 😏
happy mother's day 😏
like stop. please.
(thankfully) his teammates had to steal his phone and remove the emoji from his favorites.
he once tried winking at someone across the room because he thought it'd be funny. then he got dust in his eye halfway through and ended up looking like he was having a medical emergency.
kaiser michael
kaiser genuinely thought he invented aura.
there is an ancient photo from his teenage years where he is wearing approximately 6 different necklaces, 3 rings on one finger, leather pants that looked painted onto his body, a scarf despite it being july, and a vest with no shirt underneath. every single item individually could've worked. together? he looked like he'd lost a fight with a pinterest board titled "dark prince aesthetic” or something.
before becoming famous, he tried making football edits of himself. every video featured aggressively slowed-down clips, random latin phrases, phonk music, and enough monochrome filters to convince people color had been outlawed. the comments were ruthless:
bro thinks he's the final boss.
who edited this? shakespeare?
it's a 5-second pass, calm down.
he once got caught practicing "effortless" candid poses in a store window reflection. he didn't realize the glass was transparent. everyone inside watched him dramatically lean against a wall, look into the distance, adjust his hair, leave the frame, and immediately come back to try again because he didn't like the first attempt.
there's an old interview where someone asked him what his greatest weakness was.
"i don't have one."
"be serious."
"i am."
the interviewer just blinked.
every now and then, someone reposts an old photo where he attempted to bleach his hair by himself before he knew what toner was. it came out super yellow. ness claims it looked "radiant." literally everybody else calls it the banana era.
ness alexis
ness… has the kind of digital footprint that screams gifted kid who discovered editing software!
there are approximately 200 anime-style edits he made in middle school using free editing apps, complete with glowing eyes, galaxy overlays, fake lightning, floating feathers, and enlarged text that simply read: "never underestimate me." the character in the edit? himself.
he went through an impossible-to-defend magic phase. not liking magic. genuinely trying to become a magician.
there is a christmas video where he confidently announces he's about to make a coin disappear forever. he then drops it into the heating vent and bursts into tears because it actually disappeared forever.
his first powerpoint presentation in school had 43 slide transitions. every single bullet point exploded, spun, bounced, dissolved, or flew in from somewhere. his teacher reportedly looked motion sick by slide #8.
he once accidentally posted a selfie to his story instead of sending it privately because he wanted to check if his hair looked fluffy enough. the caption simply read: hmmm... maybe. he deleted it 30 seconds later, but it was too late.
there’s also an old screenshot where he corrected someone's grammar on youtube with: "actually, it's 'you're,' not 'your.' 😊 just trying to help!" he never lives this down.
and finally... because the universe enjoys bullying him... there exists one ancient livestream clip that ness has spent years trying to erase from the internet. every time it resurfaces online, kaiser likes it within 10 seconds.
he was answering viewer questions when someone asked, "what's something you've always wanted a partner to do for you?"
without a single ounce of hesitation, he leaned toward the microphone and said, "i think it'd be cute if they dressed as a puppy. just once. like with little floppy ears! and maybe they'd bark once! i think it'd be really adorable!"
If you had known coming to watch your boyfriend’s game would lead to this, then you seriously would’ve thought twice about coming.
You see, Sae really liked it when you went to his games, but he never asked you out loud – all he ever did was throw a (his) jersey your way or message you with the info about the match, like he was expecting you to already know what he wanted without him needing to say it – and it always worked. You always understood what he meant, and how important it was for him to have you in all the matches you were able to attend.
So, to have him actually ask you to come – with a very tight hug from behind while you cooked breakfast and a groggy “You coming, right Amor?” – you should’ve known something different from the normal was happening.
“And Itoshi Sae gets a red card! He’s expelled from the match!”
You wanted to disappear. To turn into smoke. Because how else were you supposed to react to your boyfriend and your ex fighting because of you in the middle of a game with sold out tickets?
“And it seems Bunny Iglesias, who Sae just punched in the face, just got one too! It’s an ‘El Classico’, ladies and gentlemen! Everybody is on the edge!”
The commentators were not helping your case. Of course, you knew Real Madrid x Barcelona was one of the most heated rivalries in Spanish football, but Bunny and Sae were making everything pretty damn worse!
You could clearly see Bunny looking at you in the stands and smirking, while Sae was being held back by his teammates every time your ex said anything. You couldn’t really hear what they were saying from your seat, but judging from Sae’s expression, it wasn’t really a polite or friendly conversation.
Thankfully, Sae was able to calm down – after lots of begging from Luna and his other teammates – and was already exiting the stadium. You quickly got up to meet him in the dressing room, only to stop when Bunny screamed your name. In that moment, all the eyes were on you – especially Bunny’s and Sae’s – but all you could feel was your own face burning up from the utter shame you were experiencing. Then, like the little prick he is, Bunny Iglesias lifted up his hand, put it near his ear in a telephone shape and mouthed “Call me.”
When Sae ran back towards the field and punched Bunny in the face again after what he said, you really wished you had never dated a football player.
okayyy i know the title makes it seem like im the asshole and honestly maybe i am lmao. but i think with the context maybe you guys will think differently
anyway my gf and i were at brunch today and the food was amazing. there were a lot of people there and since i’m well you know a pretty well known guy people kept asking for photos. my girlfriend was getting all bitchy as time went on because of how much she had gotten interrupted by my dawdling fans. listen, i love my girlfriend, and i love my fans, but sometimes it can all get irritating little by little
maybe that makes me a piece of shit who knows lmao but anyway
she asked to be in one of the photos when a fan came up to us, so of course she was in the photo and this where things might’ve went left field. upon looking at the photo and watching the fan walk away afterwards, i made the one-off comment that her smile made me want to commit suicide because of how forced it looked
yeah she wasn’t too happy about that and now all day the tension has been heavy. maybe IIII should kill myself lmao because i cant stand the radio silence from here
so reddit be honest was i actually the asshole? and also what should i do to make things up to her
| u/itzcharleschevy: im shitting while reading this
> u/themichaelkaiser: CHECK OUT MY PODCAST FOR MORE ADVICE “THE BLUE ROSE BLOOMS AGAIN”
| u/saeitoshi10: i guess that’s what happens when you steal a girl from someone
> u/iggybunny: cry more
| u/bumblingbachirahehe: ok what id do is give her two bouqets: one for apologizing and one foooorrrrr the sex ;) i hear make-up sex is good i read it in an article
> u/isagiyoi.11: why are you reading articles all the time
> u/bumblingbachirahehe: wake up. soccer. eat. articles. sleep. repeat. 😂😂😂 SOMEONE MAKE THAT A SHIRT!!! 😂😂
> u/isagiyoi.11: i mean ig
| u/sniperyuki: wait it out another day and if she’s still silent apologize. also i dont think youre the asshole.
> u/themichaelkaiser: CHECK OUT MY PODCAST FOR MORE ADVICE “THE BLUE ROSE BLOOMS AGAIN”
| u/shidouisdeepinside: HOLY FUCK i scrolled thru your insta and FUCK youre big FUCK FUCK FUCK cmere CMERE CMERE
> u/iggybunny: haha omg rlly i actually think im kinda ugly….. :(((((
> u/shidouisdeepinside: HELL NO. i bet ur balls are big and full of nuh 🤤
> u/iggybunny: wtf….
| u/rinthedestroyer: i bet her smile was uglier than you so no doubt it’d make you suicidal
> u/iggybunny: :((((( whyyy soooo meaaaannn
| u/themichaelkaiser: CHECK OUT MY PODCAST FOR MORE ADVICE “THE BLUE ROSE BLOOMS AGAIN”
| u/teddyknightnotbear: :3 no youre not the asshole, im sure she just doesnt know her place
> u/themichaelkaiser: CHECK OUT MY PODCAST FOR MORE ADVICE “THE BLUE ROSE BLOOMS AGAIN”
> u/teddyknightnotbear: okay
| u/keepingitrealbyhugo.v: what was the curvature of her smile like?
> u/iggybunny: like a W
> u/keepingitrealbyhugo.v: okay then you’re nta
| u/bigdaddylavinho: 😂 This happened to me once. Take her out (don’t give her the option to say no!) and make her watch some fireworks that spell out “I Love You.”
> u/iggybunny: gonna do that!
> u/themichaelkaiser: NO YOU FUCKING WONT THAT’s THE STUPIDEST ADVICE I’VE EVER HEARD GO CHECK OUT MY PODCAST INSTEAD FOR MORE ADVICE
| u/chickenfart: hi guys
> u/iggybunny: who are you?? and am i the asshole or not??
> u/chickenfart: sorry its me julien i forgot to switch to my main but no you’re not the asshole
amandla
yousharknotpass
titsay
vaporwave
theartofmadeline
