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Vanity, enemy, lust, and any others that are usually seen devastaring actually makes my life.
Without them, I have no reason to wake up in the morning as I would be just a farm animal.
I choose to wake up in the midnight and work to gain some vanity, fight against my enemy, and indulge in my lust.
皿を洗う
いつも面倒
でもいつもやってるとできる
まだ皿を洗ってない、
そう思いながら夜寝るのが最悪の気分だって知ってるからやる。
いつも書いてるけど、寝るのは死ぬのに似てると思ってる。1日の終りが人生の終わりみたいに思える。
なら、皿洗いは人生における何に相当するんだろうか。
なんとなくやらなければならない何か
やらなくても誰かがやるかもしれないし、誰もやらなくても大したことないかもしれない何か
それをやってから死ぬことは「後悔のない人生」とかいう模範的人生なのだろうか。
個人的には、後悔したくないなら、神経を麻痺させた方がはるかに良いと思う。
僕は神経は麻痺させたくないと思う。自分の人生に起こった物事をポジティブでもネガティブでも意味づけて伝記みたいにしたいから。
自分が皿洗いをする理由は、手の方が洗われてきれいになるからかもしれない
最近、憂鬱な気分になることが減っている気がする。
状況は変わってないし、嫌なことはいくらでも起こる。
けれど、気分を落とさない、憂鬱な夜に悩みの内容よりも気分の方を優先させて対処できるようになってきた。
それは鬱っぽい時は、口をぽかんと開けてみることだったり、息を吐いて数秒止めるを繰り返すことだったり、外の空気を吸うことだったり、ネットフリックスの音だけ流してラジオみたいにして自分の言葉を無理矢理上書きすることだったりする。
気分が上向きなら悩みの内容にも戦える、そう思える。
まだまだ考えた対処法はたくさんある。
それだけ大変だったんだと思う、いろいろ。
“The only two important things in life are real love and being at peace with yourself.”
— Jonathan Carroll, Sleeping in Flame
幸せでありたいなんて目指して生きている訳じゃなく、ただただ病むのが嫌で仕方なくて生きてる。
The only way to escape from my depressive thoughts is to fight against the enemy.
I don't mean to say I can win nor I even have a possibility to get rid of the enemy. Rather, it's simply a matter of my own mental health.
Sleep, music, work out, friends, or whatever. Yes, they are good. But eventually I need to fight. To be clear, I only need an attitude to fight, not a good result. If I fight, my mind will allow me to live.
Reckless fight. Efforts that don't care results.
They will ease my pain.
When I feel depressive, I work to get release my pain.
I need to show myself that I can work then my mind will shut up.
She didn’t become dangerous because she wanted to. She became dangerous because life left her no other choice. The moment she saw him sitting there with someone else, something inside her shattered — but only for a second. Because a damaged woman doesn’t stay broken… she awakens. The pain hits her like a knife, sharp, unexpected, unforgiving. It steals her breath, but not her strength. And when the first tear falls, it’s not a sign of weakness — it’s the last funeral she ever holds for the version of herself that tolerated less than she deserved. Then comes the shift. The fire. The rebirth. A damaged woman steps into the gym, not to look good for someone else, but to build herself back from the ashes. Every rep is a reminder: “I survived worse than this.” Every drop of sweat whispers: “I don’t chase — I rise.” And every time she looks in the mirror, she sees the woman she was always meant to be — unbreakable, untouchable, undeniable. By the time she sits there with flames in her eyes, she’s no longer hurting… she’s becoming. Because damaged women don’t fear heartbreak — they’ve wrestled with it, buried it, and walked away stronger. And that’s why they’re dangerous. Not because they seek revenge, but because they finally understand their worth, their power, and the fact that they can survive anything — even the things meant to destroy them. She didn’t lose him… she found herself. And that’s the most dangerous transformation of all.👑
When did it grow this chilly? Feel like I got uninformed of the change of the seasons.
Rather, I notice it most keenly when I wake up in bed each morning.
A sluggish, gloomy mood descends, and unpleasant emotions pile up unbidden.
It's painful enough to make me tear involuntary, or leaves me dazed and confused—a feeling I want to shake off but can't possibly shake off right away.
I hate depression. I want to live energetically.
I think about this all the time in this season.
This world is beautiful, and there are many kind people. I want to believe that.
Translated with DeepL.com (free version)
Are you there? I’m so exhausted by Japanese people in the office. Currently, I’m working for mostly foreigners, which is great, but on the other hand, the people I’m working with are only Japanese. We’re a 3-person team — two Japanese ladies who are way older than me, and myself. I always feel like I have to be too polite when I talk with them, like I use so many bow emojis (🙇) when I text them. I never use them with foreign co-workers (or even with bosses!!!). I wish I could just work with foreigners, not just for them. They’re literally a million times friendlier than Japanese people, no offense… it’s just true. Can you relate?
Hi, yeh it must be really annoying you need to be over polite to them. Maybe the Japanese ladies want to feel superior to others. One suggestion I can make is to try treating just ONE of those two ladies a little more politely than the other. For example, you can use the bow emoji only to one lady and no emoji for the other. They are concerned about hierarchy so your behavior can destroy the equal relationship between the two. I believe politrness is alway a relative thing, haha.
I remind myself that my feelings are mine to create.
Rather than sinking into the mire, I step back and observe. From that vantage point, things feel lighter, and answers become possible.
After all, life itself carries little inherent meaning. We are no different from ants—sometimes crushed without warning, sometimes driven to labor until the end. In that recognition, envy fades, and even compassion for others quietly arises.
This, perhaps, is what it means to be an adult: to discover a strange sweetness even in the bitter and the hard.
Lough out loud. Even forcibly.
Laugh and hapiness.
Start the cycle from laughing.
“Health is not just about what you’re eating. It’s also about what you’re thinking and saying.”
— Unknown
Bad feeling - it's actually a disease.
Like you don't get mad at catching a cold, it's ridiculous to be mad at your own bad feelings.
Just go to bed or take some remedy, which might be working out, enjoying nature or anything you are fond of.
This world is a nice place. Occasionally I need to persuade myself. That is the reason why pain exists.
Certainly. Here's a poetic English translation of your text:
---
There is a line that I can never cross
so long as I remain myself.
That is why I do not trust
in being who I am.
I surrender this self
and become someone else.
Lose myself.
---
If you'd like a version with a more lyrical or philosophical tone, or closer to a particular poet's style, I’d be happy to adjust.
