¿child or dog?

I been searching for the root of my social anxiety and i think it was the day i did lsd at 11am and just straight up went to school like i was capable of having a normal day

[unloyaldog]

You have time until the lighter is finished and until I finish the book you lent me. You have time until the summer is over. You have time until you finish moving and until you recover from exhaustion and after that, the heat. You have time until you see all your friends, until I come back from vacation and until you finish painting your room. You have time until your stomach aches stop. You have time until autumn ends. You have time until my birthday arrives and then yours. You have time until the end of winter and until I finish my degree and until spring begins.

But not me

[unloyaldog]

How close you came to sounding the trumpets of your surrender

To put on a white shirt and tell me how much you missed me

When you asked about the stranger and they answered you, 'Who?'

And you became invisible in the warmth of your friends

The last one is dead, there is no fun in vice anymore

You are looking for a job that vindicates who you are, something that is sufficient before any other claim

You are looking to do something with your two hands

[unloyaldog]

There is a beautiful girl drinking beer on the same bed where once a beautiful girl cried about her dad not letting her go to the party where a beautiful girl played chess with the boyfriend of a beautiful girl who once wanted to be the girlfriend of a beautiful girl who's drinking beer on the bed.

[unloyaldog]

The only comforting fact about love that is all and all consuming

(and you are in all my dreams)

is that in reality all of this: is not yours.

and that if love is eternal

and everlasting doesn't exist

but I loved from the beginning and I will love until the end.

it does not belong to you

or to anyone who ever kissed my lips, even if my childhood love kissed them

my vulnerable self and my best acts

my only true one

you are still my best friend.

[unloyaldog]

I met women who were wonderful monuments of fire and speech

Who decomposed sheet music of roles

And unravel garments of fear

Who kneaded bodies of joy

And tended beds of pleasure

Who celebrated worldly victories, teaching that this was the true pride of the soul

And that when speaking they sought a total and balanced understanding between cold logic and warm feelings

[unloyaldog]

Write so as not to die, and drink tea and cry inconsolably over a pot of soup.

Write so as not to die and to untangle the shame that my hands carry and do something beautiful with them, something that will suffice before any other claim.

Write so as not to die and remember what we have learned, what we learn in lonely nights of love, my own hands on my own chest telling me that everything will be fine.

[unloyaldog]

And i said: "You are capable of great love."

And you answer: "Being capable of great love can translate in such a brutal thing."

[unloyaldog]

Today someone said that all people who write poetry are good people, and I laughed, shaking my head, and remembering you, and the way you looked at her. Like an old garment that you already know you are not going to use again but you do not throw away because you like the texture and how it feels between your fingers.

[unloyaldog]

Not only i lack the knowledge of how to reach intimacy i also lack the stomach to take it.

Intimacy is the promised land

[unloyaldog]

I could sleep on the floor, like childhood again, or risk to wake the beast.

Can't find a bed for myself can't see asking for help as a possible option.

Like a child, concidering sleeping on the floor, standing petrify in neither, hugging a pillow, unmoving, and still, no choice is made

Not laying out somwhere but not putting on my shoes either, socks damp and solid with dust, letting the cold in, feeling the point in your throat were the sore and painful morning is already generating.

[unloyaldog]

- Do you love them? Or do you just need them?

- Aren't those the same thing?

(I don't know, but i don't think so)

- A line should exist between the two, love takes dangerous tones otherwise.

(You don't speak your anger and i'm tempted to keep pushing)

- Are you really more happy now than when you didn't have them?

- Yes.

- Are you?

(The desire for conflict tickles my belly)

[unloyaldog]

I dreamed of a spectacular poetry line and when I woke up it was still burning on my lips for only a few seconds, then you asked me if I had slept well and it evaporated.

I'd rather wrap myself in your sweetness than write about my hallucinations in prophetic dreams of poems that go somewhere.

[unloyaldog]

Why do people glue to each other?

why do they persevere when it's so clearly a thing on fire-

why do they burn their hands-

why do they eat the ashes-

whats so great about peeling your tongue-

Are this questions the ones that make me so terrefied of love?

[unloyaldog]

[unloyaldog]

[unloyaldog]

At the table, I played sitting on the fool's side.

What was left of me slowly faded to introduce you to a clay doll whom I built especially for you.

It has my face and apparently sits on the side of the fools at the table.

[unloyaldog]

That night I entered an anonymous online chat and I vomited my truths one by one to all of them

They asked to see my breasts and I explained that the effort of so many years had been wasted for nothing

I would lie and tell the truth over and over again until I confused myself

They told me that they had long and wide penises and I told them that I was tired of being tired and that there was a pain expanding inside me that threatened to devastate everything else

[unloyaldog]

I am not a chemist who is also a poet, or a mathematician who is also a poet, or an architect or a doctor. I'm just a poet's poet, maybe i'll draw something, build something from the trash in my room, a friend. I will never do something remarkable of intelligence, only of soul.