possibly more revolutionary is the notion that when you are nice to people! they're usually nice back! it's so wild some girl just called me an angel idk if i've ever been happier
(also yes im reblogging this on my side blog idk why but i didn't wanna be annoying on my main blog lol)
In all my relationships to date, I have vivid memories of wishing I could fly so it would be easier to leave whenever my partner at the time told me they loved me.
In my most recent one, things like “You’re the love of my life.” “I’m gonna marry you.” “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Were thrown around like confetti, it seemed. I wasn’t a fan. And I’d say it back almost every time, but I didn’t mean it. In a post I wrote then never posted, I said that saying I love you for me is like empty calories. It’s not filling, it doesn’t help or mean anything. I just do it because I can and because it feels good.
I don’t know if I’ve ever been in love. I thought I was twice before but both times I was able to end it without remorse, so maybe I was lying to myself.
Either way, I suck at dating so if you’re gonna take anything away from this, let it be that.
I think I feel to much and I’m tired of it. The smallest thing always seems to cause a huge mental breakdown, and it just really sucks. I was having a good day then I started to write and I guess things in the story got to real or felt too much like stuff I’ve dealt with in real life so now I feel awful and I want to cry but I can’t and I just want to feel something. Like maybe I want to fall in love and have it hurt and I want to need someone until it kills me or maybe I want to be so depressed that my every thought is about nothing but how I’d be better off dead or maybe I want all my friends to hate me so I can have something to cry about because I want to cry but I can’t so I need more. But at the same time I wish I wasn’t so emotional and I wish little things didn’t set me off and make me feel like this and I wish I didn’t care so much about literally everything and I always find myself missing the days when I was the most depressed because when you’re the kind of person who gets daily mental breakdowns over hearing the wrong song or something, apathy seems like a beautiful thing.
Also, there are so many people I want to be friends with but I feel too annoying or stupid or weird or clingy or I won’t get along with them because I feel like I don’t really vibe with anyone anymore. I used to feel so at home with some people but they’re either not in my life anymore (my own fault dw) or I just don’t feel as comfortable with them anymore or I worry too much about ruining our relationship to feel good around them and I just feel so alone right now because of that?? I just want to have good happy friendships like I did a few months ago and I want to be happy like I was a few months ago and I hate how bored I am.
The thing is, everything is so boring like things are definitely happening and I have tons to stress about which I think is what I want but I just want more. I want more stress maybe or more sadness or more happiness I just want more.
I kinda disappeared from my tumblr for a hot minute so my apologies for that, but also I only have like 1 follower so who cares y’know? Basically, I think dating is stressful and overrated and I think I’m incapable of love! And I wanna talk about that.
I like someone right now. I do not love them, but I am experiencing attraction, and it’s reciprocated, which is dope. That in itself, is good and I wouldn’t have any problems with it if it weren’t for other stuff going on. I’ve just come out of a somewhat long-term relationship, and I’m not hurting basically at all. I think I cried once, and I was maybe sad for a grand total of three days, but I am 100% okay now, and I know I’m not just trying to convince myself of that because I really wish it wasn’t true.
I want to hurt, I want to cry and scream and beg to get them back and I want to binge on ice cream and netflix docs and feel the full spectrum of breakup-related emotions but I am getting none of that. It’s crossed my mind that maybe I’m a psychopath, because I swore I loved the person I was with, like, alot but one morning I woke up feeling like I needed to leave them. So I did. And I am okay.
I feel really guilty, though, because I think I owe it to them to be in pain. Like it would be easier for them to heal if I wasn’t healing, or maybe just hadn’t yet, but I never even started to heal.
I worry that this means I didn’t love them, in which case, have I ever loved anyone? Will I ever love anyone? It’s a little messy and I’m scared of hurting the person I currently like as badly as I’ve hurt my ex (I don’t know how they’re doing, but I’m assuming they aren’t doing too hot) and maybe I’ll just hurt everyone forever? Who knows, I hope not.
All I wanna do is stay home and eat and cry and listen to one (1) rex orange county song on repeat bc it's the only thing that brings me any joy
I feel EXTRA bad too cause at first I thought I was sad cause I miss school but then I realised that I'm still technically in school (summer school but stfu) and that makes me EVEN MORE misterable so what is the truth
Anyway I'm contemplating isolating myself and living in the woods or maybe flinging myself into the sun we will see I guess
On the bright side I had a really good chocolate cupcake last night and I'm going over to my friend's house tomorrow and I'm excited about that so really everything is starting to look up I'm just sad rn but I think it will get better soon enough
Thank you for listening I love you all and I hope you're doing better than I am lmao
I’ve been insufferably happy recently, actually, I wouldn’t call it insufferable, more out of character. Still, it’s weird and new and I don’t know how to deal with it but oh boy I am all of a sudden a very happy camper.
I’ve been depressed on and off (but mostly on) for I’d say about three years, and now, all of a sudden, I’m just not. A couple months ago it just... stopped??
It’s weird because while I’ve been happy before, obviously, I’ve had month’long periods of happiness but now I’m constantly, unshakably, happy. And I mean I’m not complaining but it’s definitely weird that my entire mental illness just stopped one day, and I don’t know if it’ll ever come back. (Obviously, though, I don’t want it too that motherfucker better stay far away.)
I still have to deal with anxiety, though, but to be fair, I was never actually diagnosed with any sort of anxiety disorder so technically, as far as I know, I am living mental illness free, and it’s wild.
(tw for the next bit: depression, alcohol, self harm, suicide and just general negativity)
I worry that I’ll fall into depression again and forget how to cope, then I’ll be starting from square one. I worry that I’ll forget all the empathy I used to have for my friends suffering with a mental illness. I worry that I’m still depressed, and just ignoring it, or tricking myself into thinking it’s not there, and that one day I’ll snap and kill myself or something.
It’s scary, because as nice as being happy is, and as much as I love it, I don’t know how to deal with it, and since I’ve dealt with mdd in the past, I’ll always have the fear that it’ll start affecting me again, even if it never does.
I can see the difference really clearly. Awhile ago, I would’ve spent my time crying over a bottle of booze or cutting in the bathroom or something equally as tragic.
Now, though, I want to live. I get excited over sunsets and dogs. I taste and hear and see and live more vividly.
But I’m terrified that it’ll all leave as quickly as it showed up ,and I’ll be reduced back to what I used to be, plagued with depression and planning my death.
im so anxious i feel like everyone i love is gonna leave me i feel like im gonna die im so so worried everything is gonna fall apart and i cant stop it
I don’t feel good, I’m anxious and I feel like a burden so I don’t want to reach out to anyone and what little information I allow myself to put out as a sarcastic post on snapchat isn’t attracting help.
I’ve hit a milestone in my recovery, two months sober, so of course my body wants me to undo it.
I have been to three bars today, not great for a recovering alchoholic
Everything is there, and every fibre of my being wants me to get so drunk I shake and throw up and I want to ruin it all. But I won’t do it (I can’t really, but that’s besides the point). This is cheesy but the only thing I want more than to drink, is to recover, and I’m so fucking set on recovery.
But evidently, this is a cry for help too lmao cause I don’t know how to deal with my shit on my own whoops
This is all over the place but basically, the bottom line is that I wanna drink so bad, more than anything, but I’ve worked too hard to give it all up, so I won’t. But it’s hard.
im happy crying cause like goddamn recovery feels good
we’re not all the way there but we’re so close and im so much better and i can live like it never happened now and i never thought id get here but holy shit
depressed kids in the media: I don’t wanna go to therapy! I don’t need help! I’m not some specimen for you to dissect!
me, rollin up to my therapist’s office and collapsing in relief: what is UP my homeboy I fuckin missed you,, hope ur ready to hear some Bull Shit that fuckin happened to me this week
families of depressed kids in media: okay sweetie we’ve researched depression for ten hours straight and signed you up for therapy and re-arranged your school schedule to be less stressful
actual parents of depressed kids: look i get you’re sad but someones gotta do the goddamn dishes stop being lazy get up. why didn’t you go to school today, what’s wrong with you, you’re such a burden on this family.
Therapists in Media: Lets do some art therapy and be really quiet while we talk about your feelings :)))))) also I’m prescribing you 500 different medicines
My therapist Brian who I love to death: Jack, I think your first problem is you stay up too late looking at memes, so let’s try taking a nap
therapists in media: refined, cultured, poised, “I’m afraid I haven’t [heard of the nerdy thing their patient just referenced]”
my old therapist derek, from across the reception area, seeing me for the first time after the summer of 2015: HEY DID YOU SEE AGE OF ULTRON?? IT SUCKED, RIGHT???
my current therapist ian, in our very first appointment: do you like star wars? anxiety is like the force, it can consume you, or you can learn to keep it in balance… you’re my padawan now
my therapist: "man you gotta stop putting yourself through shit like that" "wow that sounds rough" "ok so before we start there's the really good movie i think you should watch" "i feel like i should draw you this model that would really help but i forgot what it was so ill do that next week"
sadness at its finest @unremarkablewriter - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
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