Hydrate or Die Straight @gay-jesus-probably - Tumblr Blog

need to beam this tweet directly into everyone's minds right now

#bruh my hair takes HOURS to dry after a shower fuck offff #i mean i prefer not to go out with wet hair and avoid it just from force of habit #but thats not a vanity thing. thats just a canadian thing #given that for at least half the year going outdoors with wet hair means risking an impromptu haircut at best #(from wet hair freezing and then potentially snapping off)#aand if its REALLY cold then wet hair is actively endangering my health and safety bcause i'm flirting with hypothermia #so no wet hair outside is just a reflex even when its warm. but sometimes in summer i'll do it anyways

nudityandnerdery

Beautiful, no notes. (Found it on Facebook, tracked it back to Reddit)

1dietcokeinacan

Me when I’m a genius entrepreneur and my various business ventures are all doing super well

gl00mt0mb

Headcannon that Spider-Man gets a reputation for being impossible to track by sheer luck and bad life choices.

SHEILD and countless government agencies are baffled at how he’s managed to avoid being monitored and located for so long meanwhile the metaphorical camera just pans over to this 15 year old vigilante about to engage in the height of stupidity every ten minutes.

SHEILD try’s and fails to predict Spider-Man’s patrol route and debates how he always knows where crime will occur unaware that Peter has no designated route and simply follows his spider-sense.

Countless villains have tried spiking his food or drink meanwhile spy’s are watching in horror and astonishment as Peter Parker consumes his fourth cyanide laced Snapple that they left out to trap the vigilante

SHEILD trying to use gait recognition but fails because Peter Parker is just dragging his feet from exhaustion and constantly limping from injuries on patrol meanwhile Spider-Man practically never has a full minute of time where his feet are planted on the ground so they can’t collect data.

SHEILD is carefully monitoring every single hospital in New York trying to figure out where Spider-Man goes when he’s injured but Peter in inevitably sitting in his bathtub quietly debating if bleach will work as a disinfectant for a stab wound.

Jameson sends private investigators to monitor Peter Parker and find out how he gets photos of Spider-Man and these poor detectives have to watch three days of this kid bed rotting not aware that he’s just passed out from a concussion and conserving energy.

Police try using tracking dogs but Spider-Man is always covered in strange alien slime or various mysterious substances from whatever freak of the week he’s fighting. Meanwhile they keep getting led to this random teenager waist deep in a dumpster fishing for trashed tech.

SHEILD keeps setting up teams to decipher the codes Spider-Man has left them but it’s just a mix of bad grammar, concussion typing and teenage brain rot lingo.

Nobody can get a solid read on Spider-Man’s build or description because the little shit is constantly contorted into strange arachnid like positions and keeps fluctuating his weight by like 30 pounds ever week depending on how much food he’s managed to shovel into his mouth.

SHEILD starts watching through street cameras to catch him unmasked but instead get really depressing footage of the spider themed vigilante splayed on the floor of sketchy alleyways trying to pick coins out of drain pipes and getting excited when he successfully grabs a entire dollar bill.

People start trying to monitor social media platforms and online searches but nobody can find the coloration between Peter searching “How to stitch bullet wounds easy for beginners” and Spider-Man searching “ Brand new day spark-notes rhetorical devices”

Mercenaries get hired to take out Spider-Man but he keeps scaring them off. Unrelated note Deadpool is for some reason now friends with this kid named Peter.

SHEILD is flabbergasted at how well Spiderman is trained to lose someone tailing him meanwhile it’s just Spider-man getting lost and improvising his way home.

Villains take Spider-Man’s photographer hostage to lure him out and the dude literally never shows up. What a prick.

The courts try to sue Spider-Man for property damage and vigilantism and the guy GENUINELY gets a lawyer named Matt. Fast forward a week and Spider-Man now wants a trademark on the hyphen between “Spider” and “man”

Everyone is losing their mind on how Spider-Man can be such a master of deception meanwhile his entire secret identity is dependent on the fact nobody’s cross referenced Spider-Man’s patrol roots and Peter Parker’s Pokemon Go history.

allthecanadianpolitics

theres a blood shortage in banks in canada, any chance you could post this resource so it can reach a few more people? thanks in advance if possible!

https://www.blood.ca/en/about-us/media/newsroom/blood-supply-drops-20-donors-needed-now-replenish-lifesaving-essentials

Canadian Blood Services is calling on eligible people across Canada to book a blood donation appointment after the blood supply declined by

#my fellow canadians if you are able and willing to donate go do that!#...me and my needle phobia will be standing all the way back here and looking away tho fuck that very much #blood donation is important but i'm not altruistic enough to intentionally give myself panic attacks lmao

allthecanadianpolitics

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/tim-hortons-harry-potter-jk-rowling-9.7287100

Rolls out April 12, calling all Canadians to boycott!

Tim Hortons has announced a new Harry Potter promotion, but the reaction online has been anything but magical.

#oh goddammit i cant go to tims anymore??? this sucks. transphobes truly ruin everything #not that i go to timmies a lot normally. but after a shit day at work when i'm freezing hungry and exhausted?#a large white hot chocolate and a strawberry cheesecake muffin are perfect. and pretty cheap for whats basically a takeout meal!#but i guess thats not happening if they're still running this fuckass promotion by winter. smh cant have shit in alberta

batboyblog

you know its telling how few people on the internet actually spend time outdoors in general and around actual gay men in particular

because to hear even Tumblr the "gay gender website" talk people only wear harnesses while strapped into a sex swing while being fisted

but the reality is that the harness, both leather and spandex, in gay male world is like stiletto pumps, a bright red lip stick, a short skirt or push up bra.

sure some people are wearing those things because they're about to get laid or hoping to. But lots of people wear them just to feel sexy, confident or powerful. And there's nothing X rated and "shouldn't be seen in public" about any of that.

lots of gay guys wear harnesses to bars or clubs not because its a sex thing, but because its a sexy thing, they feel attractive and confident.

I get that gay men feeling attractive and confident terrifies people, but if you're at Pride and a guy walks past you in jeans and a harness, either shirtless or over his shirt, he didn't violate your civil rights or do a sex thing in front of you, he's wearing a totally appropriate outside that makes him feel confident and powerful.

grow up, deal.

maggotwithanf

I own this exact harness and I wear it to play Beyblade. unironically

vrumblr

And you do indeed look very cool and powerful playing Beyblade

eldritchdilf-deactivated2025061

Contrary to popular belief the biggest beginner's roadblock to art isn't even technical skill it's frustration tolerance, especially in the age of social media. It hurts and the frustration is endless but you must build the frustration tolerance equivalent to a roach's capacity to survive a nuclear explosion. That's how you build on the technical skill. Throw that "won't even start because I'm afraid it won't be perfect" shit out the window. Just do it. Just start. Good luck.

romanceyourdemons

rip to the guy who posted his very expensive yixing teapot to r/tea, only for the comments to be not compliments on his taste as he expected, but instead GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY and I SHOULD CALL HER. he then crossposted it to r/gongfutea, which is ordinarily more dignified and self-serious, but was it? was it?? of course not, because this is reddit, and this was the teapot

spin-the-wheel-polls

You wake up one day and discover you've lost control over a random action or feeling!

Spin the wheel to find out what!

How bad is it?

Actually way better than before!

Its good

It's alright

It's annoying but I'll be fine

It's pretty bad

IM DEAD

worse than death

Nothing changes/results

Remaining time: 5 days 14 hours

This idea was submitted by @dbnekonico!

#...i randomly sneeze. as opposed to the current status quo. where sneezes occur at random with no control from me #very exciting thank you magic wheels lmao

tolovaj

THANK YOU

dykepuffs

Friendly unfriendly reminder that "Ovulation is like an animal being in heat and makes you stupid" has been a keystone of western misogyny pretty much since Europe worked out what periods are.

#like the whole point of human menstrual cycles is that WE DON'T HAVE HEATS #or rather we do except they are literally always happening. we don't come into season. WE ARE ALWAYS IN SEASON.#THATS WHY OUR MENSTRUAL CYCLES RUN FAST AND CONSTANT #WE ARE ALMOST ALWAYS READY TO GO #like the only time a person with a uterus CAN'T get pregnant is if they're menstruating #cause your body is busy dumping all the pregnancy setup it can't hit the brakes just cause some sperm got in there #thats also what a first trimester miscarriage/abortion is; it's just a very late period. exact same process #like if you get a late period and you've had PiV sex recently. theres a fair chance your period is an early miscarriage #(and if you get a positive pregnancy test and then have a period you are DEFINITELY miscarrying. pregnancy tests dont have false positives)#so during your period you can't get pregnant. because your body is busy dumping your last potential pregnancy #and you've got pretty low odds for the first week or so after that cause it takes some time to setup the next one. but it CAN still happen #so basically there's one very obvious week where pregnancy isn't on the table and then a steadily rising chance of it happening #we are literally always in season. animals that have heats? do not generally get horny when they're not in season #humans are the horny freaks of the animal kingdom. once we reach physical maturity we are always DTF (biologically speaking)#(and only when things are good enough for that to be an option; long-term stress or hunger can kill libido)#but unless you've got the worlds most regular cycle you have NO IDEA when you're actually ovulating

byjove

Donald Trump desperately trying to initiate the Red Scare 2 but no one giving a fuck is hilarious to me. The GOP has already villainized and fearmongered about immigrants, transgender people, DEI hires, ANTIFA, etc. and introducing a new supervillain hiding amongst us just isn’t working. I wish there was a communism WAS the greatest threat to America.

byjove

During yesterday’s speech he said something to the tune of “The communists want to seize your house and give it to your neighbor.” which shows how out of touch he is, how advanced his dementia is and how the Red Scare tactics of the 1950s are not applicable to the 2020s because no one owns their house anymore and most of us would prefer our house being owned by our neighbor instead of our landlord.

byjove

The Red Scare tactics of the 1950s are sooooooooo outdated in today’s world. Saying shit like “Under communism, the government will assign you a job and you will not get to pick!” would make 85% of my generation be like “That sounds awesome, I’m so sick of AI job interviews, just got rejected for the job I applied for shoveling elephant shit at the zoo.”

birdsareblooming

im sorry this fucking. sentance structure is so funny. throwing slices of cheese at it, etc.

birdsareblooming

ok actually very important wear a mask or cover your face to throw cheese

how's everyone's night going i was just casually grabbing a boob and had the utterly terrifying realization of 'OH SHIT THAT'S A LUMP THAT WASN'T THERE BEFORE OH FUCK.'

...immediately followed by 'oh thank god, nevermind, just a mosquito bite'. and then 'oh god damn it, it's a mosquito bite'.

#ugh i have the worst reaction to mosquito bites they swell up so much. and the itch is HORRIBLE #but it's not breast cancer so i'll fucking take it

amiya-shirou

actually the way society hates both perverts and asexuals is kinda funny. Real "Anyone who thinks about sex more than I do is a porn-addicted degenerate and anyone who thinks about sex less than I do is a loser weirdo or a puritan" energy

earhartsease

"normal" really is just a locally crowdsourced bell curve, huh

iphigeniacomplex

our age of bronze is collapsing. they’ll sing to remember the people before them who knew how to write. and then he goes west……

iphigeniacomplex

and the faceless threat of foreign others coming from the sea to sound the death knell of civilization as we know it how could i forget the faceless threat of foreign others coming from the sea to sound the death knell of civilization as we know it

iphigeniacomplex

the color grading washes everything out, like marble statues and temple ruins. fetishized antiquity without color — without culture. it belongs to the memory of the west. only the bad guys call the enslaved people “slaves;” odysseus refers to them as “servants.” odysseus is a “veteran” who did not partake in the violence of the sack of troy, the cicones are a footnote mainly used to remind the audience of the impending sea peoples threat, odysseus reasons with a hysterical circe by reminding her that his men never raped her as she feared they would, everybody speaks of the gods with christian-coded language, everybody has an american accent.