Hydrate or Die Straight

I'm just a weird internet guy people keep finding funny. I go by Ender, they/them pronouns please! And by please I mean use them or I burn your house down. Cheers. Racists, transphobes, aphobes, biphobes, panphobes, and homophobes aren't welcome here. Don't be a fuckhead, and we're good. Header and icon are both mine.

[byjove]

Donald Trump desperately trying to initiate the Red Scare 2 but no one giving a fuck is hilarious to me. The GOP has already villainized and fearmongered about immigrants, transgender people, DEI hires, ANTIFA, etc. and introducing a new supervillain hiding amongst us just isn’t working. I wish there was a communism WAS the greatest threat to America.

[byjove]

During yesterday’s speech he said something to the tune of “The communists want to seize your house and give it to your neighbor.” which shows how out of touch he is, how advanced his dementia is and how the Red Scare tactics of the 1950s are not applicable to the 2020s because no one owns their house anymore and most of us would prefer our house being owned by our neighbor instead of our landlord.

[byjove]

The Red Scare tactics of the 1950s are sooooooooo outdated in today’s world. Saying shit like “Under communism, the government will assign you a job and you will not get to pick!” would make 85% of my generation be like “That sounds awesome, I’m so sick of AI job interviews, just got rejected for the job I applied for shoveling elephant shit at the zoo.”

[birdsareblooming]

im sorry this fucking. sentance structure is so funny. throwing slices of cheese at it, etc.

[birdsareblooming]

ok actually very important wear a mask or cover your face to throw cheese

[gay-jesus-probably]

how's everyone's night going i was just casually grabbing a boob and had the utterly terrifying realization of 'OH SHIT THAT'S A LUMP THAT WASN'T THERE BEFORE OH FUCK.'

...immediately followed by 'oh thank god, nevermind, just a mosquito bite'. and then 'oh god damn it, it's a mosquito bite'.

[amiya-shirou]

actually the way society hates both perverts and asexuals is kinda funny. Real "Anyone who thinks about sex more than I do is a porn-addicted degenerate and anyone who thinks about sex less than I do is a loser weirdo or a puritan" energy

[earhartsease]

"normal" really is just a locally crowdsourced bell curve, huh

[iphigeniacomplex]

our age of bronze is collapsing. they’ll sing to remember the people before them who knew how to write. and then he goes west……

[iphigeniacomplex]

and the faceless threat of foreign others coming from the sea to sound the death knell of civilization as we know it how could i forget the faceless threat of foreign others coming from the sea to sound the death knell of civilization as we know it

[iphigeniacomplex]

the color grading washes everything out, like marble statues and temple ruins. fetishized antiquity without color — without culture. it belongs to the memory of the west. only the bad guys call the enslaved people “slaves;” odysseus refers to them as “servants.” odysseus is a “veteran” who did not partake in the violence of the sack of troy, the cicones are a footnote mainly used to remind the audience of the impending sea peoples threat, odysseus reasons with a hysterical circe by reminding her that his men never raped her as she feared they would, everybody speaks of the gods with christian-coded language, everybody has an american accent.

[chessb0r3d]

Analysis so bad you don't even know what it's talking about anymore.

[chessb0r3d]

What??

[chessb0r3d]

[chessb0r3d]

[chessb0r3d]

Sarcasm.

[chessb0r3d]

[chessb0r3d]

This is hopeless.

[chessb0r3d]

IT WAS FUCKING

HORRIBLE

[corrya]

I think about this like once a day

[vaspider]

I have heard a variant on it that I really like: "You cannot hate yourself into someone you can love."

[yukimura-4]

But what if they met earlier

Legends say her shout still echoes through the school halls

[writersisland]

“dad and the dog he didn’t want” but it’s a grumpy, mentally & physically scarred warrior and the cheerful apprentice he didn’t want

[wiisagi-maiingan]

I will remind people that one of the biggest signs of a scam is urgency. A scammer does not want you to look away or click out of the tab or hang up the phone. They make you feel like there's a very close time limit, like you have to act NOW if you want to protect your bank account/not get arrested/help your (grand)child/save an animal/save a person/etc, and they will use manipulation tactics like guilt tripping and making you feel rushed to keep you from taking a step back and having a moment to think.

If someone who is asking for money is rushing you, making you feel pressured to give them money immediately and making you feel guilty or like you're in some sort of danger if you have any questions or doubts or hesitation, they are scamming you. They are doing everything they can to get your money before you have time to think or do any research, and then they vanish as soon as they get what they want.

[rherlotshadow]

Alberta's wild flower forests in summer

[thatdamnrookie]

Remembered a kind of strange childhood interaction and decided to draw it

[omgsamchap]

I know this is horrible but this comment was left on a true crime youtube video and I cannot stop laughing. 

[cartoonscientist]

I mean, I do like spiders

what?

[braingremlinmovedblogs-blog]

LET’S DO A REVIEW OF LISA FRANK© BRAND BERRY-SCENTED BODY WASH

WE GOT THIS SHIT AS A CHRISTMAS GIFT THANKS TO BERRY-SCENTED TUMBLR USER JENNYLOGGINS

I AM A HULKING, BURLY, MASCULINE MAN, SO USUALLY I USE OLD SPICE OR IRISH SPRING OR SOME MANLY SHIT LIKE THAT BUT TODAY I WAS OUT OF SOAP SO I USED THIS SHIT

FIRST OFF LET’S START WITH THE PACKAGING

THIS FUCKING RAINBOW-ASS UNICORN IS THERE IN THE SHOWER EVERY DAY, EVERY FUCKING DAY THIS LITTLE FAGGOT SITS THERE AND GIVES ME THAT SULTRY GAZE WHILE IM TRYING TO CLEAN MY VULNERABLE NAKED ASS

rub me on your body

ALSO IT’S WORTH NOTING THAT THIS SHIT COMES WITH A WARNING NOT ONLY TO KEEP IT OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN BUT THAT PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO YOUR SKIN CAN GIVE YOU RASHES AND PROBABLY UNICORN HERPES OR SOME OTHER SHIT

IDK ABOUT YALL BUT LAST I CHECKED THE EXACT PURPOSE OF BODY WASH IS PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO YOUR SKIN SO THAT RIGHT THERE WAS A RED FLAG BUT I PROCEEDED, ALBEIT WITH PROPER PRECAUTION AS TO AVOID APPLYING AROUND MY EYES AS DIRECTED BY THE PACKAGING OF LISA FRANK© BRAND BERRY-SCENTED BODY WASH. ALSO IT SAYS TO KEEP IT OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN WHICH LEADS ME TO BELIEVE THEY ARE MARKETING THIS PRODUCT NOT FOR CHILDREN BUT FOR GROWN MEN SUCH AS MYSELF

I APPLIED A GENEROUS AMOUNT TO MY HANDS TO BEGIN THE CLEANING.

i’m so fucked up

AND THAT WAS WHEN THE MOST POTENT SMELL OF ARTIFICIALLY FLAVORED BERRY I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE HIT ME LIKE A FUCKING EARTHQUAKE

I NEARLY FELL OVER IN THE SHOWER. IT WAS SO FUCKING BERRY. IT WAS LIKE I MADE SWEET LOVE TO AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC BERRY WOMAN AND DOVE NOSE-FIRST INTO HER GUSHING FRUITY LOINS. THERE WAS NO FURTHER DOUBT THAT THIS WAS INDEED LISA FRANK© BRAND BERRY-SCENTED BODY WASH. IT’S NO WONDER LISA FRANK’S ART IS ALL SO COLORFUL, SHE’S FUCKING HIGH AS BALLS HUFFING HER BERRY-ASS BODY WASH.

IT GOT ME CLEAN BUT I HAVE A HEADACHE FROM ALL THAT FUCKING BERRY. I UNDERSTAND THE WARNING LABEL NOW. THIS SHIT IS PROBABLY TOXIC TO SMALL CHILDREN, IT’LL BERRY THEIR FUCKING BRAIN CELLS TO DEATH. DO NOT TRUST THAT SULTRY UNICORN. YOU SEE THE MILKY WHITE COLOR IT’S PROBABLY HIS SPOOGE IN THAT BOTTLE IT’S NOT EVEN BODY WASH I JUST CLEANED MYSELF WITH BUBBLY BERRY UNICORN BATTER

0/10 WOULD NOT BERRY AGAIN

[biggggblack]

I FUCKING AM CHOKING AND PEEING AND DYING OF LAUGHTER I JUST FUCKING CAN’T RIGHT NOW. PLEASE REVIVE ME SWEET LORD.

[harukatachibanaa]

This post is my life force

[sparrow-va]

note to self: make an audio post of this

[tepaofthevalleyofthewind]

@hellsite-hall-of-fame may I interest you in this gem?

[almondmilkbitch]

superbat is a bad ship name. it should be manman

[gay-jesus-probably]

cowards, i ship manmanmanmanmanman. It's Superman/Batman/Martian Manhunter/Wonder Woman/Hawkman/Aquaman.

there is of course also the secondary ship of greengreengreengreengreen. which is of course, Green Arrow/Green Lantern/Green Lantern/Green Lantern/Green Lantern. all different green lanterns, obviously; kinda lazy of them to all simultaneously use the same superhero name, but it is what it is.

[wiskie]

“Remember, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels 😇”

[gay-jesus-probably]

Also, I've been skinny, and it felt fucking awful? I was new to my ADHD meds and forgot to eat a LOT as I got used to the appetite suppression, so I lost a lot of weight due to accidentally starving myself. And I hated it. I was having low blood sugar episodes on a regular basis, which meant like a hour of laying on the bathroom floor in a puddle of cold sweat, waiting for the nausea and vertigo to abate enough to let me drag myself down to the kitchen and eat something to stabilize myself. Knocking into anything hurt like hell because I was just skin and bones, so accidentally bumping my arm on the wall meant slamming my bones directly against a hard surface, which is unpleasant. I struggled to sleep (or to rest comfortably at all), because if I wasn't in a very specific pose and angle, I would feel my skeleton digging into my skin. and it was painful. Also, I couldn't lift for shit anymore, because now I had sad noodle arms, and my stamina wasn't great either.

Being skinny fucking sucked. I was thrilled to finally put weight back on, and now I'm back at my healthy average of 190-odd pounds! Which is, according to the BMI scale, horribly overweight for an AFAB person my height, but being a walking skeleton juuust barely brought me down into the 'healthy' weight range so, BMI doesn't know shit fuck, and also refuses to believe that it's possible for someone born with a vagina to also be naturally tall and broad.

And I work as a ski instructor, so in the winters I spend 5 days a week doing things like repeatedly skiing up hills, physically picking up children usually weighing 100+ pounds, hauling heavy equipment around, and while I'm doing all of that I'm also doing normal downhill skiing, which is a high-intensity full body workout in and of itself. Which I do for at least 4 hours a day, 5 days a week for most of the year. And that's not accounting for my personal skiing, which I also do a hell of a lot of. I'm extremely athletic and in ridiculously good shape, while also being fat and actually enjoying my life (also I'm hot as hell, while the walking skeleton look just made people express justified concerns about my health).