Cleanse Me?

25| They/Them O̶͎̼͐̿͊̂̍͘ͅb̸̛̩͖͕͈̰̫ṣ̷̟̣̺̤̱̂̈́͛͐͝ẻ̵̪̐s̴̟̾s̴̠̞̙̱̠̭̎̆̓̐͑͘í̷͉͕̎̄͗v̴͎̋̈́̆e̴͙͚̦̠͂͜ ̵̭̽͐͂̕ I barely post lol

[unrequieted]

Hello! My names K̶̢̧̡̦̪̺̮͎̝̦̝̫͖̘͉̱̪̜̞̺̥̪̪̅̆̚ì̴̧̧̨̡̨̩͉͍͙͚̪̙̤̪̙̘̗̘͇̭̞̼̙̲̤͑̎̇̾̑̈́͗̊͑̈́͗̈̑͘͜͠͠ŗ̴̡͉̺͈̦̹̬͎͈̤̻̰̳͇̣̦̞͖̖̪͙̼̇̒̔͗̾͂̊̔̈́͗̋̔̿̆͘ͅã̶̢̛̪̪̜̘͚̻͓̹͔̳̔̈́͗̽̌̕! I'm a genderqueer person who mainly uses they/them pronouns but you can use he/him too! This is mostly a vent blog and I tag my posts randomly with whatever I'm feeling in the moment but all posts with any kind of s*lf-h*rm will be tagged accordingly

Stay safe and enjoy your stay!

[unrequieted]

My body always feels wrong in one way or another. I wish I could cut these feelings off like the malignant tumor they are. Why can't I feel as other people do? Why do my hands and feet have to always feel wrong? And why, on top of that, do I feel so utterly uncomfortable in my body?

When I think about how others perceive me I just want to die. They don't see me as a guy. They probably don't even see me as masculine in the slightest. I can't even be mad at them. When I look the way I do who would look at me and think I'm a guy?

I just want to die. I want the world to take back this disgusting body so I never have to live in it again. I wish god to send me straight to hell. Let me burn. Maybe the flames will burn away all these feelings. Maybe they'll at least distract me from them

[unrequieted]

You fucking liar. Every word you say is bullshit. Do you believe it? When you're lying through your teeth do you believe it as the words tumble out?

You're a faker. You have no soul. You're an empty shell; sad and cold. You have no purpose. You live life to take from others. You take their kindness their love. You take it and feed on it until you're fat and full like a tick then you drop off and abandon your host.

You. That's all you think about. You You You You You You You. You're all that matters. I never did. You never cared about me or my feelings. You promised to be better you liar. You never even tried. Never had to.

I hate that I ever was in love with you. I wish I could take it back. You didn't deserve it.

[unrequieted]

Your luck finally ran out. I wanted to wait for karma to get you, but I've been down that road before. No, this time I would take things into my own hands—id make you pay myself.

As I parroted facts of your life back to you on anon, did you suspect me? When I found out who you really were what went through your mind? So many things you didn't tell me—so many lies you told without remorse. I bet you thought I was stupid, falling for you and your manipulation, but you underestimated me. You can't feel but I can and every time I thought about what you did to me, how you made me feel and how you used me, I felt like my anger would consume me. And it gave me strength.

I didn't want to take the hight road. I'm not innocent, there's no point in trying to act like I am. You played dirty so I went dirtier.

You may have won the battle but in the end, I won the war. I only wish that every time you remembered this moment you knew you brought it on yourself.

[unrequieted]

I feel so utterly alone. I knew living with you was always a temporary thing but now that it's slipped through my fingers I find myself constantly wishing I could go back. I think about all the mistakes I made, how often my selfishness hurt you, and all I can do is sob. I wish I could wake up on my first day there and do everything differently. I wish so so badly that I could change things. I think about my last night there, how all I wanted was for it to last forever. But it didn't. And in no time I was on the plane that would take me away from you. At first, the days ebbed on slowly; it felt like time was moving like molasses, not anymore though. We hardly talk, despite my efforts, and I just feel so forgotten. Just as I feared, I'm out of sight out of mind. It feels like every day is gone in a flash and every notification I get I hope its you. But it never is.

And now you're 1,000 miles away and I have no one. I'm alone, truly, once again. I wish I had the nerve to try to kill myself again, because maybe while I died I'd get to be with you one more time when my life flashed before my eyes. I'd get to see your face and feel the warmth of your skin. I'd get to relive all my most cherished memories with you, and maybe that's what death is; reliving all the memories that make you the happiest. If I knew for sure then I'd be dead already. I'd much rather live in the haven of times past than struggle here without you.

The fact that you don't feel even close to the same breaks my heart. You don't need me like I need you, you never have. I've always been a burden on those around me and I will continue to do so no matter what I do. It is my fate. And maybe, for what I put you through, I deserve it.

[unrequieted]

Take my hand and lead me into a beautiful future with you. Show me a life where I'm happy to because i am yours completely

Take my heart and make it your most prized possession. Tell me all about yourself and let me know you

[unrequieted]

How i adore every message you send me; every word you type is perfection. I feel like you're what I've been looking for for so long. You make me see myself just a little differently; like I'm truly a diamond in the rough

I want to hold your heart in my frostbitten hands. Cradle it and protect it from the desolate world. But maybe with you it doesn't have to be so bleak? Put those rose tinted glasses over my eyes and show me what the world could be

Show me what life could be with you. Take me and keep me close to your warmth so i might learn that winter is over

[unrequieted]

How have you waited so long to find me? I'm glad you finally did. I truly think that without you I was reaching my wit's end

You're like an oasis in the desert; a warm blanket on a cold day. I wanna make you feel the same way you make me. I want you to feel like i am your haven

[unrequieted]

How is it that just the thought of you makes my heart feel light and fluffy? You make my brain go in circles thinking about you and you make my body ache for a future with you <3

[unrequieted]

God, you're like no one else. I wanna talk with you forever and be so close to you. You make the world feel just a little warmer; like winter might just end soon

I wanna watch as you make all the frost disappear with your touch. What I wouldn't give for your touch

[unrequieted]

What do i have to do to get my day in the sun? What do i have to do to get my turn to be happy? Its like im cursed to just watch other people get theirs and be happy while i always have nothing

I always have nothing

[unrequieted]

I feel like my life is slipping through my fingers. Just disappearing and morphing into something unlivable. I no longer wish to live in this world. I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up again

I feel like all my dreams and hopes are just moving to fast for me to catch up. What's the point of being alive when I'm uncomfortable in my body? What's the point of being alive if I can't get away from this discomfort?

What's the point of being alive at all

[unrequieted]

When will the loneliness end?

[unrequieted]

I feel as if I am truly worth no ones time. I deserve to be dead

[unrequieted]

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself

I wish I was you

I wish I was you

I wish I were anybody but me

[ilxvhim]

stalk me. worry about me. go crazy. fucking spiral when i dont answer right away. hurt me. BE FUCKING INSANE OVER ME. DO IT NOW.

[unrequieted]

I miss talking with you. I wish you hadn't have abandoned me. Why did you do it? Did you find someone more interesting? Was I not enough?

I miss you so much in those quite moments when I would be texting you but instead I'm sitting doing nothing. What else is there to do? I have no one else to talk to

I miss your silly videos and sense of humor and how unapologetically you you were. Why did you have to go

[unrequieted]

Do I ever cross your mind? Or have you just forgotten all about me? Am I really that stupid to think I could mean something to you?