Untraditionally Meme

I’m just happy to be here

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Never Have I Ever…

There is this show on Netflix I’m sure is for kids (judge your mama) but I’m obsessed with the story line. Never Have I Ever is essentially about a young Indian girl making her way through the jungle called high school and love. In a lot of ways I find myself relating to her as an adult, which is probably why I’m weirdly obsessed. Relating to a fictional character on a teenage show. I surprise myself sometimes.

Any-who, I just finished watching season 2 and it ended exactly like I wanted it to. The girl gets the guy she always wanted! Perfect ending right!? It seems like it and it goes perfect with the story, but it has me thinking. There is always someone or something unattainable that we strive for, but what happens when we get it? What now?

I’ve always had this idea of what my perfect relationship would look like. I mean it’s practically perfect on paper, but what would I do if I actually got it? I then start to wonder if I’m even ready for what I’m asking for. I mean sure I’m getting old as heck and need to be thinking about settling down, but the older I get, the less appealing it seems. I start to get back into the old habits of wanting to have it all and some how a steady relationship seems to be a barrier to having choices (the point of relationships)

Davi in the series goes through a period in which she tries to date two guys because she genuinely likes both of them. They both have desirable traits in her eyes and she continuously struggles with who would be the better option throughout each episode. So do you just choose whoever chooses you? Or leave both because neither possess EVERYTHING you want?

I am in no way saying I’m in this situation (love you babe) I’m just thinking about the way we come to choose our forever partner. Does it involve some form of settling? Maybe not major areas, but undesirable things. For example, this person may not have the drive you desire in a partner, but they are doing well off in life thus far. Is that enough to no longer consider them? Or do you just deal with it because they posses the majority of the qualities you want?

I honestly feel like marriages last because one or both parties gave up something. Maybe not every single relationship but everyone can’t possibly be perfect. The character Davi in the show feels like Paxton will be everything she needs moving forward because he is what she has always wanted, when Ben is more her equal, clearly!

So the question I’m asking is, does love involve some form of settling? Not to be confused with sacrifice.

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Self-Growth Travel Journal

You know how you have ideas!? Like you write them down and ponder over them continuously for weeks, maybe even months, and they amount to nothing!? Well guess what b*tches!? That wasn’t me this time! Finally!! I had an idea and I followed it all the way through!

So here is the tea! I wanted to start writing in a journal to release all of these negative feelings and emotions that I have been having lately, but I felt like that wasn’t enough. I also realized I had friends going through issues as well and we all could benefit from a little write and release if you will. This is how the travel journal came to be. So basically here is how it works, you will receive the journal in the mail, let go of all that negative energy into it and then add a charm to the journal that represents you and your journey and then release it back into the wild (mail it to the next person). Once the journal is full, we will figure out a way to destroy it for good. More than likely we will burn it!! Flames of glory!

Below is the wording I sent to everyone that I thought would benefit from it. You can copy and paste this for good measure when you start.

“A comfort zone is a beautiful place to be, but nothing ever grows there.”

Hello beautiful people. I am reaching out to you on this beautiful day to invite you to be apart of a self-growth project. This project involves you putting those negative feelings and emotions about yourself on paper to release them and move forward from them. We all have things we want to move on from and I believe this is a therapeutic way to grow and have a support system doing so. This is how the traveling journal will work:

1. You will receive the journal in the mail

2. You will have 2 weeks to write and release (mail back out)

3. Add a charm to the chain (explained below)

We will keep rotating until the book is full. You don’t have to put your name in it if you don’t want. You can just write or you can come up with a pen name and let me know so when it is mailed we can use that name. There will be a chain connected to the book with our names on it. I would like for everyone to find a charm or keychain to add to it that represents their journey before mailing it off. If you want to participate, please send me your address and pen name (if you want to use one)!

Happy growth!

That’s all too it! Let me know if you plan to do it! Send me pictures and let me know how it turns out. Let’s do it!!

Beads - Walmart

Paint for box - Aquamarine quick dry paint (Walmart)

Stickers for box - Hobby Lobby

Below is the link to the journal I used:

Journal

Amazon.com : Bedsure Leather Journal for Men and Women to Write in（5x7 inches）- Lined Leather Journal Notebook - Rustic Handmade Vintage Lea

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October

You know, it’s really sad how I only think about blogging when I’m down and out. It’s a way to express my feelings with being vocal to the people around me.

First things first, it October...and I’m depressed again. I’ve been depressed most of the month not having a clue why. As the month progresses I started to connect the dots. This is the month my mom passed, 10/28/2014. Even while typing out the date I can barely hold it together. I miss her sooo much. These last few months of the year are the months where family is connected at the hip. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. Family, family and more family. I wish I had a family I enjoyed being around and that I could spend the holidays with. That’s all long gone.

When my mom passed my definition of family shifted drastically. I only now can call a hand full of friends family and on some days I don’t have them either. You know I try my hardest to keep my untraditional concept of a “family” together by keeping in touch and making time to see them and talk to them.

It’s the days when I need that “Hey friend!” text or that “I miss you girl” phone call, that calls go unanswered and texts unseen. I have this urgent sense of abandonment by everyone around me since my mom left me on this cruel earth wth these cruel people. This sense of abandonment comes when I and reaching out for a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on or a friendly hug and it’s seems as though people look and me reaching out and walk right past me like I don’t exist, like I’m not even there.

This sadness and depression have engulfed me these past few weeks and I am trying to be strong and trying to keep a grip on life. It’s sooo hard. I try to fill this void with hobbies and drastic life changes to get some sense of fulfillment but it’s not coming. It’s not close. I’m soo empty inside it’s starting to penetrate my skin to the point where people can see it by looking at me.

I’m seen as the fun outgoing friend. All. The. Time. I’m tired of being strong and I am tired of people throwing the fake pity parties to to pretend they care. It’s all a game and impersonation. I need pure energy around me. Maybe that’s why I have been soooo drawn to babies lately. It brings me a joy like no other when I hold a baby. They are sooo innocent and sooo calm and I want that feeling. I can feel it radiating off of them and into me when I am around them. It makes me happy. They are unbiased and have no judgments or prejudice about anyone. They are just happy to be here. I want to be happy to be here....

I am faking apart all over again. People may say I have numerous friends and associates. I have no one in I can turn to in this state because it will either trigger their depression and anxiety or others simply don’t care. So I’m stuck sharing my feelings and emotions with you all.

They say leaves fall I Ovtober. Their not the only things falling ....

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Tired

I am at a point in my life where I refuse to deal with certain things. Inconsistency and ignorance being at the top of the list.

People are always sooo quick to call me because "Tamekia will say yes" or "Tamekia will do it". Do any one ever consider how Tamekia may feel about the situation? of course not. That would be too much like right. I am always reaching out catching people when they fall or being everyone's backbone. Where the he is my back bone or stepping stool even? I will take that over the bullshit my "friends" and family try to throw at me daily. I get every ones lefts overs when it comes to being there for me. I get the "Girl I will call you back, I am sleepy" or " You will be fine, get over it". Its crazy how everyone gets to have their bad days or let downs, but as soon a I feel some type of way it is a problem. Everyone expects this happy bubbly person all the time. I am not happy nor bubbly, I am angry. Angry about everything that is going on in my life. Is this selfish of me? of course it is, but I have the right to not be happy and upset about anything that is going on in MY life. On the outside looking in people think I have it all together and everything is falling into place at the right time. Well it is not. It is all falling apart right before my eyes and I have no way of stopping the down fall of my so called life. I am depressed. I am overweight. I am  angry, I am tired. I am fed up with everything, but guess what? I cant show it. If I do I always get frowned upon for not being grateful. I know what ungrateful looks like and it is not in me. Not one ounce. Everything I have I done bussed my ass for. I have no one to call if I am late on a bill or if I need help fixing something. No one is reliable or available. You would think everyone has me on block in their phone because when I call all their lines might as well be disconnected. But when they call me, I better answer on the first ring, I told myself I will have to make myself less available for others and more available for myself. I need to find out what I want out of life and who I am. I am acting like the person I want to be but I am not that person yet and It scares me that maybe one day I will not like the person staring back at me in the mirror. I try to see the person I believe I am but am truly not. With everyone relying on me for everything, when do I have time to find me? I cant. That is why when my lease is up in March I will be spending soo much time with myself that I will know me inside and out and hopefully I can cope with who I am. I know some things about myself that I despise. I know I am extremely selfish. I am selfish to a fault. I hate getting things from people and I hate giving things to people. I have giving because in the world we live in everyone is soo materialistic that they forget to appreciate things. We have to find something wrong in everything and I hate for people to be ungrateful about anything I have given. I will flip my shit. I hate receiving gifts because on the flip side, when people buy you things its rarely out of the kindness of their hearts. and its not all the time intentional. When they need something from you its always like " remember when I brought you...?" I just don't like all of the things that come along with the gift giving and receiving.

 Everything I have said is sooo random I know. I just needed to get it off of my chest.

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Debating if I wanted to turn around and go home or get out the car and go in to work this morning! Smh

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Out of Hand!

I am soo damn sick of what is going on in my life! The sad part is I can't control it, the people or situations that I am involved in. I hate feeling like I have no control over my emotions. I hate that the sound of certain people's voices get on my nerves. Like I dislike them soooo much my blood boils when they come around. I have been really been thinking alot about kids. No I do not want them right now, but I am having a hard time even knowing someone who is worthy to be a father let alone a husband. It seems as though the people that I am interested in, or feel as tough I deserve,, are the ones that wouldn't even look my way in public or I will be in the friend zone with forever. Which is not a big issue. No I do not want a relationship but I don't want to date either nooo time soon. Dating is draining to me. I just don't want to do it. People get on my nerves so easily. Like why can't you spell? Your a grown ass man. Why don't you know what intentionally mean? These are the types of guys that approach me. Smh. The world can keep yall. I will stay single if this is what I have to look forward to. This is not even really about relationships its about how my life has been spiraling out of control. My life is just out of contol ughhhh Rant of the day!

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Septum Piercing

Sooo Saturday I was a little spontaneous and got my septum pierced! I know right.... I will try to keep yall updated on the healing and aftercare. The experience was a 8 1/2 out of 10. It hurt sooo bad. I thought my nose piercing hurt but this tops the charts. I was already nervous because of the place and it was only 20 dollars. That sounds a little shady right? But I am cheap so I went for it. Anywho, when I got to the back room he was preparing the jewelry. My friends and I waited until he got done. He was kind of rude but it doesnt bother me because I am twice as rude. Anywho, here come the piercing. He told me to hold still and in my head I was like "dude just shut up and do it". The needle goes in...ahhhhhh... Help me Lord!!! Oooowee I was breathing like I was having contractions!! It was over....finally. What only took a minute felt like a lifetime and my nose was sore as all get out but I was cute though! Tuh.. So this is the worst part. After I get home and chill, I start feeling this stinging feeling in my nose. Only lasting a brief second but hurting like someone  has sliced the inside of my nose. Also my teeth start hurting like crazy...weird! I know! I took a few advil to ease the pain. Today I feel ok. Still a few sharp pains but nothing too bad. I flipped the piercing up in my nose so I can be professional for work. We will see how this healing process goes. I will try to keep yall updated!

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What's the tea?

Hello good people. I know you all miss me. Sorry I went M.I.A for a while. I have had a lot of things going on. I don't even know where to start. One of the biggest things that have happened to me is my break-up. Yeah we broke up! It is crazy because when I read some of my blogs about my ex, I think to my self, " Why did I stay this long?". It was all because of Love!! One of my favorite shirts say "Love don't pay the bills". When people are in love they mistake that for happiness and truth be told love alone can not carry a relationship. You need communication, compromise and compassion. I loved this man with all my heart!! That was the only reason I was staying. Then I found myself venturing out to get mental stimulation from the opposite sex. This was not something I was getting in my relationship. I need someone who challenges me on the daily basis and can hold meaningful conversations as well as small conversations of nothingness. All I was receiving was the words I love you...over and over and over. That is not enough for me. Some women live for this. I don't. I need more. Like the actions that come with those words. Another thing was that I felt I wore the skort ( shorts and skirt) in the relationship. I don't want to have to carry all of the burdens alone. Not even saying it has to be equal either. The man should know his role and I should know mine. I am at an age now where we are in this for the long run and that doesn't necessarily mean marriage. Just a life long partner. Partner is the key word. We work together not against each other. I did it all on my own. Money. This is always a big issue in any relationship. This wasn't so much of a problem as he made it seem like. We were not rich, barely comfortable, but we made it work. When you are in this kind of situation you have to be consistent and a little cheap. Also you have to maintain a job. My ex wanted to job hop. This left me paying bills on my own some months. I understand that some people need to find themselves and where they belong, but you cant up and do that without a plan b. You have to take care of home first. He knew that I would not let anything be behind, so he felt like "Tamekia got it". No sir. Lastly, communicating with females. Now this is the thing about that. He has this fake FB page he made just to talk to women on FB. That is out of control! Sending d**k pictures. The whole 9! I was sooo furious that he felt as though he had time to talk to other women and your home life is spiraling out of control. Take care of home. You know, most women stay in relationships with cheaters not only because they love them, but because these men made sure home was taking care of. Nothing at home lacked because of infidelity. They just got caught. I have taken him back plenty of times for talking to other women but this time I feel as though he should have been making our home and I were straight before trying to be friendly with FB women. He still lives with me only because I do care about his well being and I am helping him get his life together to get his own apartment. I wanted to put him out sooo bad but I just could not do it considering I know the places he would have to go are not healthy for growth. Some people say this wont work, but bet me tell yall something. He has not seen on touched anything on this body in a whole month. . I could never see him in a sexual way again. The only back and forth conversations we have are about bills. He sleeps in the guest room. He begs everyday and it makes me like him less and less. I just want to move on and be happy. I have been soo depressed dealing with him that I forgot how being happy feels. I want to be happy!

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This Is Just Ridiculous!!!

Sooo this morning at the Kroger in my old neighborhood this guy followed his wife to her job (Kroger) and ran his truck into hers. When she got out an ran he shot in the head and then shot himself... This is happening wayyyy toooo much in Memphis. What kind of dispute you could have with your wife that would cause you to want to kill them? I get angry all of the time...sure, but I would never kill anyone. These domestic disputes have to end!! What happened to talking things out? Maybe counseling if you need it! To me what it really boils down to is that guns are too readily available. I mean last time I checked it was LEGAL to walk around with a gun without a permit. That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. This is supposed to be the person you love and that you made vows to. Does that not mean anything anymore? I just have no faith in humanity any more. Hell I am happy I do not have kids at this point considering the messed up world we live in. I can barely go home without being scared of other people. Why would I want to be in a home where I am afraid of the person I am lying next to? If you have any little feeling about your spouse, leave!! Your life is not worth the love you thought you have for that person. Love is nothing but a word now-a-days and if you love me till death do us part I assure you, it will not be from the hands of my husband. Maybe that was the case. Maybe she was trying to leave him and he got upset and was like "If I cant have you no one can." or some bull crap like that. ughhhhhh I am just disgusted and irritated by it !!!

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You're Not Superman/Superwoman...Sorry!!

Everyone can not possibly know everyone and when/how to do everything. You cannot be everyone's best friend or favorite person. This is just a part of life  and it is hard for some people to grasp the reality of this truth. Sure I love to be loved and I am over joyed when I know something that another person doesn't. If I do not know something I am not distraught or de-motivated. I have always feared those people who thrive to have others attention or hate being wrong. I use to be that person and I feared my self to the point of losing me. I use to hate when I get something wrong or if someone does not like me. But guess what? You can not be everything to everyone and it is ok to not know things, because you get to learn something new in the long run. I see younger people on Instagram doing crazy things for likes or " Social Stardom". All for what? Just so someone can like you? If you are doing these things because you want to be in the entertainment business that is great!! You have a goal. Those people who sit around and come up with dumb pranks or ways to disrespect others is a sign of immaturity and simply not knowing. I have deleted my Instagram and  I promise you I do not miss it at all. I wonder if I only had just so I can get validation from everyone else about how pretty I am or how GREAT my life is??!! Hmmm makes me think? I use to, and still struggle daily, with trying to please everyone. No one is paying my bills, but me. No one wake me up in the morning but God. No one works their but off at MY desk but ME! We have to keep our priorities in check. Some people matter others do not (as much). Don't try to run yourself ragged for situations or people who do not benefit you in the long run. This is not saying be an opportunist. I am just saying, use your gifts wisely. Instead of wasting them on everyone.. We want to be the hero's in the movies but we do not live those lives they lead and we are not in the situations they are in. We are all our own hero's. Do everything possible for yourself and better yourself instead of skipping you and helping everyone else. Just a little tip for today...Peace!

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Is this how it goes?...

Your up one minute The next your down When you really need someone No one is ever around. I have heard of these dark places others frequently go Am I there now? Only God knows You see the happiness. It's literally all around you I am starting to think it is impossible for me to have that too. You wake up, and go to work, same old routine Am I wrong for wanting a few different things? Like let's go on a trip, fun date or maybe even a cruise What would really be fun is dancing in New Orleans to some blues. Lets pig out and get drunk at a fancy restaurant. These are the kinds of things that I want. It seems so far away but yet so close Like you can taste it in the air, but it is familiarly gross. This can't be life, it just can't be. Is it everyone one else, or is it just me? I'm just getting ready for work. Putting on my clothes. Just thought for a second, is this really how it goes?

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Awkward Situations

You know how you have that one friend who can not do anything without it being awkward/dangerous? I mean literally every time we are together everything becomes awkward. It is kind of fun when I think back on some of the situations we have been in even though we put ourselves there. One time we were driving down the road looking for food like the pigs we are. Any who while we were driving and singing off-key we decided to pick a random person to follow. You would think gas was free as much as we did these random things. So we find this lady. She seems cool so she might think this is funny or she may think we are creeps. Either way there is a story to be told here. By this point when we find her we on the side of her and we are pulling up to a red light. Mind you she has like 6 cars in front of her and we have 0. We would be at the front of the light! That could not happen. I mean we would totally lose her in the traffic. So what did we do? We stop directly on the side of her at the light with allllllllllllll this space in front of us. We are now busted! She looks at us, we look at her. This goes on until the light turns green. We are now officially creeps. Me... I wanted to stop, but this friend of mine is persistent. In my mind all I can see is her calling the police on us. The whole bad situation played out in my head like this: The woman would call the cops - unbeknownst to us. We would still be following her when the cops pull up. We keep driving because obviously the cops weren't looking for us, I mean this is innocent fun right? So lo and behold we end up in a high-speed chase with the cops and end up getting pushed off of the side of the road. The cops drag us out of the car and handcuff us. My friend would be laughing hysterically while I would be pleading for my life with my dramatic ass. Crying screaming and kicking. Downtown we would go and knowing my family, I would have no one to bail me out and I would rot in jail (long story short). In reality we just stopped following her and went to get some cupcakes. Whewwww we dodge that bullet huh!!!

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They Say...

You drink too much they say... You need to grow up they say... You are not loyal they say... You are a bitch they say... Then you get the: You are sweet, smart, caring, loving and everything that shines!! Who really cares what "THEY" say anyway?!

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2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog. Here's an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,400 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 40 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Get over it already...

Why do your ex always feel as though they have some type of everlasting claim on you? My ex disappears for a year at a time then hits me with the "whats up stranger?". Dude why they hell are you talking to me? He has been doing this for at least 6 years now. GET OVER IT!! Then he has the nerves to ask to take me out to lunch. Who the hell do I look like?? I told him my boyfriend would not appreciate it much. Then he backed off. Can someone please explain this to me?

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Oh well...

My life is falling apart before my eyes. Mom passed away, I have fakes ass friends and fake people in my life period. I do not know what to do or where to start over. All I can do is say... OH WELLL.... I have to get over it!! UGHHHHHHHHHH

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I am a Bad Person

As you all may know, I have a boyfriend. We have been dating for 2 years now. Some how I have these psychotic episodes of wanting to be single. Then the next minute I am all in love and shit. I am weird like that - as you may can tell from my blog. Well I haven't really met too many people worth talking to while going out with friends. I try to avoid the whole "What's your name gorgeous?" conversation with guys while out. I love the attention, do not get me wrong. I just know I do not want to lose what I have at home for a stranger. Yes I might want to know what he is like in bed - don't judge me, but will I actually do it? Getting to the actual point of this blog, I went out Saturday night with some friends. The plan was to go to this club called the Electric Cowboy, but first we had to eat. So we go to the Applebee's up the street. It was dead as a door knob in there. Like you would never know they were open. Any who, we take our seat in the bar area. It was a high table by the bar. We ordered our food and got our first drink. One of my friends decided to just go ahead and sit at the actual bar. There was a guy working behind the bar. He was fine as hell!!I mean FIIINNNNEEEEEE!! I know me. When I drink I get a little disrespectful and flirty. I was planning not to flirt too long and then he did that pretty boy smirk. You know the half-smile guys do. I damn near melted out of my seat. I was gone then! We continued to flirt throughout the night. When his shift was over at about 1 he came out to the bar, sat down and had a great conversation and drinks with me. We talked about everything under the sun until about 3. By this time I am WASTED beyond belief. He just looks like sex on a stick to me and I am hungry. Thank the heavens above I didn't drive! He gets ready to walk me to my friend's car and when I get out of the bar stool I could barely walk. Then I realize he is a giant!!!! Well compared to me. We get out of the front door and we exchange numbers - bad move I know. Then he gets behind me and whispers all kinds of sexy shit in my ear. I swear y'all I was on another planet. Then he says, " are you afraid of heights?" - he was saying this all night and I didn't know why, so I say no, the he proceeds to try to pick me up. Now mind you I am nowhere near light...ok! I back up so he couldn't try. He was a sexy playful guy. Before he leaves I hug him and while getting in the car all I could think about was having sex with him and where we would do it. I wanted to climb that like a tree. That's what he ment about being afraid of heights because when he does whatever he is going to do to me, I will be up high. I am such a bad person...