The New Girl

Stage Name: UrbanPoet Writer name: Patricia A.M Ross

[urbanpoet]

Pressure Cooker

Usually I'm able to absorb everything and keep it pushing. Usually I am capable of taking it all in and saying "It's coo". Usually I am willing to keep moving forward figuring it all out.

However, lately it's been different. Lately I don't cry dry my eyes and move on. No, lately I SNAP! I say the first thing that comes out of my mouth. I don't do apologies because no matter what I said I meant what I said.

My mom tends to call me her pressure cooker. I withhold everything and soon as it's too much, soon as everything gets too hot and start to boil over, I EXPLODE!

And its not anything I do intentionally. It's something that honestly goes unnoticed until you know, I BLOW my top.

Yesterday was my day, after constant adding of bullshit. After not being able to freely speak without being attacked. After doing my job and it still not being good enough. After fixing one thing and something else decides to break, yesterday was my day.

I got off my stressful shift where's there's a bunch of miscommunication. Grown folks who don't do their jobs when need be, managers who are no help. I get off to find that my car wouldnt start. While trying to get in touch wit my insurance my phone thought it would be a good idea to act stupid. Yesterday was my day. Out of nowhere, no hesitation I bashed my phone into the steering wheel a couple times.

As much as it felt good I realized my hand was in entirely too much pain, I couldn't even move my fingers for a slight few seconds. I lifted my hand to find my skin peeled back and my nails chipped. Yesterday was my day!

I can feel it, I can feel everything boiling. I can feel the hot steam, with the water sizzling as its pours over. With one more eruption I'm scared of what I'll become. I'm afraid of what I'll do, all because I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel embarrassed to have gotten that angry, and afraid to know that I can get that angry. I wish for help but don't know where to get it. I wish for help but then think "it's all in your head, you just need to chill out".

But what if it's not all in my head, what if something is really wrong? What if there are things that are not being addressed that is unknowingly consuming me? What if I explain all that is inside of me and no one will understand? What if I seek for help and they all look at me like I'm crazy? Or I'm wrong for feeling all the emotions I feel inside? What if I don't get help and whatever this is destroys me?

Yesterday was my day. Today, I simmer because things are once again being added and I don't know how to properly subtract it.

: UrbanPoet

[left-reminders]

Capitalism kills art

[urbanpoet]

Such a frustrating feeling!!!

[urbanpoet]

No matter how many people believe in you, if you don’t believe in yourself you’ll never make it.

UrbanPoet

[wexler]

that one time on Hotel Hell when Gordon Ramsay fed the owner’s dog some shitty bread and then was afraid he killed her

[unclefather]

He checked her pulse

[urbanpoet]

I swear I knew how I was gone move this year. 😂 part of my plan has been going just right. But some things had to revised. And as much as the child in me wants to keep moving forward with plan A. The grown, smart, and responsibile adult in me knows that plan B is way better. 😩🙄😂

"Sometimes you gotta do what you need to do in order to do what you wanna do"

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#StartingOver #BackToTheDrawingBored #NewPlan #MovingSilent #PlanB #Adulting #NoRecklessDecisions #KeepMovingFoward

[sixpenceee]

The Badlands region in the Utah is famous for its arid and unforgiving landscape, which is decorated by sharp and eroded spires of stone. If you catch it at just the right moment and in the right conditions, however, these apparent wastelands can give birth to an extraordinary explosion of color and life in the form of beautiful wildflowers.

Plants in American desert or desert-like areas have evolved to make the most of their challenging environment. In the spring, when they receive moisture, they spring into action, doing what they can to conserve as much water as possible and to bloom and reproduce quickly. These blooms can be very short-lived to conserve moisture, which is why they can be a rare sight. (Source)

[theadventureto-be]

This this this

[urbanpoet]

The Black Sheep

My mama decides to only have two kids the oldest being very fucked up, leaving the youngest to always be someone savior. I’m not trying to save nobody. I barely can keep myself from drowning and you want me to share my life saver with a 200lb man that has 38,000lb worth of problems.

No one seems to ask me how I feel, and even when they do they not asking to understand just to make it seem like they care to hear. I want my side to be understood. I want everyone to understand why I’ve shut down, why I don’t just jump back to being okay.

I’m tired of folks putting him first, his feelings, his thoughts, his rage! But my feelings are selfish. My thoughts are inconsiderate. My rage is uncalled for.

Little by little I feel myself pulling away. Becoming less acquainted with the only folks I’ve ever been familiar with.

But I’m definitely ready to become The Black Sheep of the family.

[urbanpoet]

In life you try to find ways to handle it

Try to find paths to manage it

But still you end up failing

You do all the good deeds to stay within Gods' good grace

Make light of every heavy situation

Adding the same line let's just thank the Lord for seeing another day

When in reality deep down you're tired

You're disfigured

You have no idea as to why you choose one path and end on another

Just to find yourself at the beginning reassembling a plan

And in your mind you think it's no fair

But God hears everything so you keep a straight face and pretend you're okay

You notice things are getting more difficult

More complicated

Less splendid

Not as sweet

And guess that maybe your breakthrough is coming soon

That maybe your light is a 100 ft down at the end of the tunnel

And with every foot you walk your knees are trying so hard not to buckle

Instead of crying you chuckle still trying to keep that straight face

Walking that straight line

Steady saying thank the Lord for another day

Still pretending that everything is fine

It's hard I know

You think your battles are for a stronger soldier

More conscience than you maybe

Won't think to run

Won't think to hide

Won't think to packs their bags and stow away into the night time

But this is your battle fight it well

Because once you end up on top you'll have elicit story to tell

€Urban Poet

[chewbacca]

— The Wizard of Oz (1939)

[urbanpoet]

Disconnection

I have three close friends, I usually talk to each one every day or ever other day. For the past two weeks t seems as though I haven’t been two connected with two of those friends.i ignore phone calls or make phone calls short. Conversation I show no interest in, and I have no clue as to why. I began to think that just maybe their energy is just not fitting for me at this moment in time.I feel terrible honestly, I guess because at this point that its noticeable that I’ve been so disconnected from them. And i’m stll not ready to become connected with them again. I guess I still need time.

[tmpoem]

“i wish i could say i’m not sad i wish i could say i feel at home somewhere i wish i could say i didn’t feel alone i wish i could say it’s going to be alright”

— t.m.

[urbanpoet]

Anxiety

Today is hard. People sending messages with empty meaning. Money that is not at hand is being spent. And opportunities seem to take its time answering. Even when I'm the one standing at its door knocking, begging to be given a chance. I just need to breath but I can't. And I think exercising will work but sadly my body is fighting me. And laying in bed seems as depressing as gloomy days and no sunshine. My eyes feel low and heavy from not going to sleep right away after work. And yet I still thinking going to my workout will help. If I could I'd clench the inside of my stomach till the burning fire cools to a crisp and I can see my own breath.

£Urban Poet

[urbanpoet]

A Day at the Park

It's beautiful out. The wind is serene. Soft, rubbing against your skin like smooth lotion. I close my eyes to hear the children play, the mothers talk, and the fathers sideline coaching their kids during soccer and flag football.

The sunlight makes the temperature just right but I still sit in the shade. While the leaves on trees rustle above my head and the leaves at my feet sit still to also listen to nature music.

The birds chirp and tweet going back and forth with one another. Playing tag in the sky.

I wonder will I ever be as free as the wind blowing through the trees

As free as the sun shinning on its world

As free as the laughs of little children that hold so many hopes and dreams

As free as the birds who wings can wisk them away

I wonder if I'll ever be that free

£UrbanPoet

[urbanpoet]

I realized after watching “Akward” that i could just privatley use my blg to figure out my life. Good plan right? One thing I like about “Akward” Is knowing I’m not the only one who can’t never just have a simple nice relationship. I wonder why..... Why is it hard to find someone that I can connect with and it not be an issue. Mr Two Strokes (To keep disclosure everyone has a nickname). fell right in the category with the others. For a while a felt like Jenna thinking I was sabotaging all my relationships but I’m starting to think differently about that now. This is the second time I have invested my time into a guy that just deciced to mess with my emotions.  I don’t get what it is, I don’t get why but this time around I don’t want answers. I just want to move on. I need a break, maybe go on a trip or something. Mr Two Strokes use to be way better than what his name portray him to be but it was just time to let go. It was just time to let go.

[urbanpoet]

A taste of my thoughts

Maybe I read too much in between the lines

I should’ve drawn the line 

Cause I crossed a few already

[urbanpoet]

They don't cry over spilled milk, so I won't cry over an empty cup

PJay

[female-fitnessinspiration]

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