Omg I'm so tiiiiiiiiiiiiired. Fuckin' hell.
The last week was exhausting, especially the weekend. I'm still recovering and having some big talks with myself about what my life can realistically look like. Not what I'm trying to still pretend it can be, that's for fucking sure.
A thing just broke in my brain tonight, though, and I'm trying to hold it together so I don't totally fall apart needlessly.
Last year, the Munchkin cracked the screen on my laptop. I barely had enough money to cover living expenses at the time, so I couldn't get that fixed. It was broken about a year.
I do finally have more money and I'm in a good place financially. I also NEED to be able to work outside of this house while my family is here for the summer (for my own sanity). So I finally got it fixed. It was expensive enough that I considered just buying a new laptop instead, but ultimately decided to save that extra bit of money cuz this one is still otherwise in working condition. He kept asking over and over, excitedly waiting for it. I don't own a television, so my laptop is the only screen in the house that he can use to watch videos or play games with his friends or whatever (aside from his phone). We got it back 10 days ago. 10. Fucking. days.
There have been several other instances of him breaking things recently. Some small, some big, always "I didn't mean to!" and a resistance to take responsibility. It's been a big conversation in our house lately. Honestly, I won't say that ADHD isn't a big part of the conversation... but also just please be more aware of what you're doing, kid. Please.
I've booked a trip with him at the end of this month and I made several choices that were less about the practical option but giving him an experience. I haven't been able to do that much for the last several years. I'm spending the money because he deserves to have a trip like this with me, at least once in his childhood.
Just today, I spent a shit ton of money for an experience to have with my niece later this summer. It was wayyyyy more than I wanted to spend, but when I initially tried to pay for this at a reasonable price, I couldn't even afford THAT. I can afford it now, even though it's literally 3 times the price. I know she will be so happy and so excited. I had to verbally talk myself through it as I was making the purchase: "This will be okay. You've been secure financially, you are using this money to make someone else happy, so it will come back to you in other ways. Trust that you are working hard and making smart choices overall, and this money is okay to spend." I did it.
This evening, the kid was using my laptop to play a game with his friend. It was time to turn it off and start getting ready for bed. He had to be asked several times. I got very tired (stillllll recovering) and felt myself crashing, so I lay down in my bed. 5 mins later, the Munchkin comes in my room sniffling. "What's wrong? Has something happened? What happened?"
"I did it again. The computerrrrrrr. The screeeeeeennnnnn."
"...it's cracked? Again? ...Kid."
And then he threw himself into my arms and proceeded to have a huge meltdown. It wasn't on purpose, he didn't mean to. He's sorry. Sobbing, shaking, hyperventilating.
I wanted to cry. I was so exhausted and so angry. Obviously, I just quietly hugged him. I helped him calm down. I assured him I love him and I wasn't mad at him, but I was very frustrated with this situation. I let him know I understand he didn't mean to do that and I could tell he was very sorry. I told him that was a big mistake and we'd have to talk about it, but I asked him to shower and get ready for bed first. For him to regulate and for me to also regulate. He went back to his room and I heard him wailing a few more minutes... I let him. He fucked up, it's gonna feel bad. He brought me the laptop to look at, then went to shower. I cried while he did.
We spoke a bit before he went to bed. Consequences calmly but firmly stated. Things to discuss and work on, figure out, make a plan (because why THE FUCK do you keep breaking shit??? SLOW. DOWN. BE. CAREFUL.). He was quiet, then went off to bed. 15 minutes later, I walked past his room and saw him just lying with his eyes open. So I went and lay beside him, rubbing his back until he fell asleep.
Lying with him, I realized this is a small mistake. For him, it feels huge. For me, it feels pretty fucking big cuz I just spent a LOT of money just for him to make the same mistake 10 days later. But, ultimately, it is a small mistake. He feels bad, there are consequences, but I didn't yell at him, I didn't shame him, I didn't belittle him, I didn't guilt trip him, I didn't give him huge consequences that weren't directly related to the mistake. I reminded him that I love him, that I forgive him, that I know he's a good kid who didn't mean to fuck up. I came back to physically reassure and calm him before he slept. So I can only hope that if (or when) he makes much, much bigger mistakes, he'll feel safe to talk to me about them, even if he feels really bad. I hope that he knows I am still on his side, even when I'm frustrated by his mistakes.
But now I feel like I've completely shut down. I'm so fucking tired.
I still have so much work to do and I can't wrap my brain around doing it (but Jesus, I need to cuz apparently I gotta afford expensive shit that's just gonna get flushed down the toilet 10 days later).
I'm doom-spiraling, anticipating all the things that can go wrong. The last several years have just been so many things going wrong back to back. Like, it's just a laptop, we're all still alive... but all the medium-to-somewhat-large things that can go wrong keep going wrong and it's fucking exhausting and I'm just waiting for the next shoe to drop.
I feel like I'm being punished for spending money? And it's just gonna keep happening?
I probably just need sleep. I can feel this spiral and I know if I let it go too far down, too quickly, I'll have a HELL of a time getting back out of it. But... I actually do have so much fucking work to do, cuz I'm still recovering from the last week/weekend. So I guess I'm just gonna try to do that.