[urfvlives]

Yo.

I'm so. fucking. tired.

I'm making good choices and generally at peace with the direction of my life.

But still just overall, generally, deep-in-my-soul fucking TIRED.

And then things just keep happening. Can things just not happen for a bit?

Not in a life-ending way, just in a big-ol'-pause kind of way. Sleeping, eating, lounging, no crises, no financial emergencies, no pressures or expectations. Can we just EXIST for a bit?

Fuck.

[urfvlives]

Okay, new stage of parenting unlocked?

How do I support a (highly sensitive) kid who wants to support a friend who's confiding in him that he's having thoughts of self-harm??

Obviously, I'm glad my kid feels safe and trusted. I don't want to damage that. But I also know it isn't on my pre-teen to hold the weight of someone else's mental health struggles.

I sent him to bed and he just kept chatting away on the computer, which is very unlike him to blatantly ignore me like that. But then he showed me the message thread. I talked to him a bit about how he was feeling and what he wanted to do. He managed to get the friend to agree to get on a voice call, so I gave him a few minutes to chat with him, just let him feel like someone is there and cares. He asked for a few minutes of privacy, so I told him he could have a few minutes but I wouldn't let him spend his whole night taking on this responsibility.

I'm about to go back and check on him. But... like... what do I even say??? 😳

[urfvlives]

So that was... something.

When I went back, they were just sitting quietly in the voice call (on Discord - they're gaming buddies). He put the mic on mute and I asked if his friend had told him anything else; he said no, they'd just been sitting in silence. I told him to say good night and that he wanted to talk to his friend again tomorrow, to which this kid responded, "If there is a tomorrow." And my kid looked like he was gonna be sick. Poor kiddo.

They were both on mute again, so I asked if the Munchkin would end the call and he shook his head no. We talked a bit about what his fears were regarding hanging up and what he genuinely felt he could be responsible for. He said just staying on the call silently had seemed to calm his friend down. So I suggested he send another text message saying he really hoped they could talk more tomorrow, then we just leave the call connected while we finished cleaning his room (which he was supposed to have done hours prior) and got ready for bed. I stayed with him in the room and we worked together to get him settled for the night.

While I sent the Munchkin to take his shower very quickly ("I'll stay in here and listen out if he says anything"), I heard this kid start playing a video game and he was chattering away to himself about it. When the Munchkin came back and heard him playing, he visibly relaxed and seemed somewhat relieved.

(I am aware that playing a game doesn't mean you are no longer having thoughts of self-harm, but I was glad the Munchkin could feel less anxious.)

In that moment, we saw a gigantic moth in his bedroom, which distracted us both for a few minutes. The kiddo was actually the one who caught it (cuz he's suddenly the one who takes care of me these days) and asked me to release it in the front yard while he finished putting on his pajamas. By the time I got back, the voice call had ended and the computer was turned off. I don't know if he said goodbye to his friend or if he just turned it off.

He climbed straight into bed. I turned off the lights and sat on his bed. He was quiet & shut down, which is his default setting these days. I talked at him instead. I was just honest: it's a scary feeling when someone you care about is struggling with suicidal thoughts and I also don't know what the right thing to do or say would be. I've been in that position many times in my life, and I never know the right thing to do or say. But I think letting this friend know he's cared about and someone wants to keep having him in their lives is a good step and he did a great job of that tonight. I told him we can talk about it more tonight or tomorrow if he needs to. I got silence in return. So... uh... I dunno?

He is probably going to talk to Deuce about this, once he's had time to process. He usually opens up more to the parent who wasn't present when things happen, but he also just seems to like talking to Deuce about Life Things more these days. I dunno, maybe it's a Father-Son thing, and I'm happy he feels like he can talk to him.

He said the other day that Deuce keeps encouraging him to talk to me more "so I don't feel left out or sad" and I assured him that I might indeed feel sad about not knowing what's happening in his life sometimes, but he shouldn't ever feel forced to confide in me if he doesn't want to. I'm glad he's talking to SOMEONE and if he feels like he's ready to tell me something one day, then I'll be open to hearing it. (This is about him having his first girlfriend, which I'm technically not supposed to know yet haha).

My biggest thing tonight was that I wanted him to feel like I am supporting him and taking him seriously - I could see he was really anxious tonight and I could have focused on trying to convince him that it was okay, but I knew I needed to give space to what he was actually feeling.

I remember around his age, there was a day I got home VERY late from school because a friend had been having some kind of pre-teen emotional "crisis" and I didn't want to leave her alone. My parents were livid cuz they didn't know where I was (pre-cell phones & I think we'd actually left the school grounds so my sister didn't see me when she was sent to bring me home). And I remember my dad kind of laughing and brushing off the idea that anything a 12-year-old girl was freaking out about could have been that important. That pretty much stuck with me my whole life - don't tell your parents if you're worried about anything that will seem silly and trivial to them. And so I didn't. And I still don't. I don't share anything with my parents.

I wasn't worried that this child was actually going to harm himself at all tonight. But he was hurting and he needed a friend. And my kid was very scared and didn't know what to do.

And, honestly, it isn't out of the realm of possibility that one day this WILL be a real concern. It's fucking hard to be a teen (and young adult, and older adult). I think we both need to do some research together on how to respond when someone is having a mental health crisis.

(...the thing is I've actually helped moderate courses teaching OTHER PEOPLE how to address mental health crises and I could not think of a single thing that was taught in the moment tonight.)

[urfvlives]

Okay, new stage of parenting unlocked?

How do I support a (highly sensitive) kid who wants to support a friend who's confiding in him that he's having thoughts of self-harm??

Obviously, I'm glad my kid feels safe and trusted. I don't want to damage that. But I also know it isn't on my pre-teen to hold the weight of someone else's mental health struggles.

I sent him to bed and he just kept chatting away on the computer, which is very unlike him to blatantly ignore me like that. But then he showed me the message thread. I talked to him a bit about how he was feeling and what he wanted to do. He managed to get the friend to agree to get on a voice call, so I gave him a few minutes to chat with him, just let him feel like someone is there and cares. He asked for a few minutes of privacy, so I told him he could have a few minutes but I wouldn't let him spend his whole night taking on this responsibility.

I'm about to go back and check on him. But... like... what do I even say??? 😳

[urfvlives]

It's 3am and I'm still awake. I guess this makes sense, cuz I think I've slept a lot the last couple days. But I've been SO FATIGUED that no matter how much I slept, I was still tired. I was fading earlier before the drama with the Munchkin, but I think that probably set my nervous system on high alert so... guess I'm still up. I should go do more work.

But since I'm up, lemme write about dating things lol.

Probably a little over a week ago, I was mentally preparing myself for celibacy, to not have any connections anymore. Was there anything specific that made me believe that? Just my brain being my brain.

I hadn't heard much from M, the few messages we'd shared were short & conversations didn't go anywhere. I was kind of mentally prepared to shift into "maybe he's hesitant cuz he just wants to be friends." And that's okay. That can and very well likely may happen one day and that will be okay; he's still someone I want to hang out with even if we aren't intimate/affectionate/physical anymore.

I also hadn't heard from Tarzan in a while. But I was the one who cancelled or said no to him the last several times he tried to get together. I thought maybe he'd given up. I also always wonder about whether or not I'll ever hear if he gets into a monogamous relationship, or if he'll just disappear.

Then a week ago, they both reached out asking to see me. I told Tarzan the week was busy, but maybe we'd connect this week. M suggested a couple days to hang out and I immediately said yes. Haha. It's a real difference. We planned to go to the beach on Thursday, and didn't talk much more once the plan was made.

I had to do some serious reworking of my schedule to make that happen, especially given how much I already rearranged for My Friend's event on the weekend, but I did it. Except that by Wednesday night, I had a huge headache. Thursday, it had only gotten worse so my morning was off to a very slow start. I didn't do anything I'd planned to then met him later than we'd initially hoped.

I told him my head was hurting. I kind of said it in passing initially but when we got to the beach, I asked him to crush my head between his hands lol. At one point, I lay beside him and he massaged my head for a while. Throughout the day, he checked on me and gave me water & snacks. The pain fluctuated throughout the day.

We chatted, we lay in silence, we made out. At one point, it got cold while we were kissing so he suggested we go inside the tent he'd brought this year. Privacy was a good call cuz we could play a lot more than we did last year, but it wasn't exactly all that private. I think that was exciting for him. It put him in a very Dom space which made me extra Subby and it was really fun.

After, it was still a bit chilly but he suggested we wait for the sun to come back. Once it did, we just lay together mostly in silence, but the conversation we did have was a lot freer, easier, more relaxed. He was also very affectionate, lots of touches and kisses on my hands, arms, face, etc. It was a really great day.

We managed to catch the ferry back to the mainland just as it was leaving, then we walked until we found food at a food truck. We shared our meals, then spent the rest of the evening wandering around downtown just walking and sitting in parks and talking. It wasn't especially gooey, but a casual affection (with a few moments of suggestive teasing). By the end of the night he walked me to a subway station, but I chose to walk with him back to his place and catch the subway closer to him. Then as we got near that, he detoured and we took a longer route through another park. It's been a while since we've spent a full day together like that without hitting a point of "Welp, this has been fun, let's say goodbye." Probably since last summer, to be honest. We were just enjoying the time together, open to extending it further.

All that walking kicked my ass, though. My headache was still rockin' and I'm glad I let him comfort me with that... but I wasn't ready/able to ALSO let him know how much inflammation there's been in my legs and how much pain I felt in those and my back. I just walked and walked and felt the consequences the next day (and added to throughout the weekend).

When I got home, it hit me again: that was almost 3 years to the day since our first date. Last year, we had a very similar day on the exact anniversary, this year it was one day before. I didn't realize either year, but once I got home and happened to look at a calendar I was like, "Wait a minute" and had to go back to the timestamps of our first text messages. I don't think it's a thing he'd notice or remember, but who actually knows. It's actually likely he did also realize and not say anything cuz that isn't really A Thing in our dynamic. But it's worth just being aware of in my mind.

I've enjoyed knowing him these last 3 years. I hope I can be a better version of myself as we move forward; he met me right as every element of my life started falling apart. Also, last year on that date, we talked a lot about dating and his attempts at meeting new people and my uncertainty about whether or not I wanted to. He encouraged me to not limit myself too much. This year, he's having a shit time on the apps, but he's ever the optimist. I have no interest in seeking anyone out at this point, but I think I'd be open to meeting someone new organically.

He's been messaging me more since then, silly stuff related to various things we talked about on Thursday. His texts are very playful this week, which is cute.

I guess I'm not moving into an era of celibacy after all.

On that note, I should message Tarzan back this week. This really might be the only time we can see each other this summer, depending on my family stuff. And I miss him.

[urfvlives]

I did some of the work. I really didn't want to, but I did.

Before all that excitement, I was feeling kind of good about the last week. Exhausted and definitely struggling in some real spoonie ways, but overall pretty okay.

I've been helping My Friend with this huge project he had this past weekend. It was essentially just me offering my skills to take some shit off his plate, but overall I ended up kind of managing the project. I enjoy working with him cuz he's such a Doer and I've spent so many years with people who just... didn't do. Or only did the parts they were personally excited about. Or forgot to do. Or didn't take any initiative and had to be spoon-fed exactly what needed to be done and have all decisions made for them. I'm so burnt out and couldn't imagine having to DO anything, but in this case I didn't have to DO. I just needed to plan, organize, coordinate and let him know what needed to be done. Then he did. But he also is very smart and good at planning, so a lot of our conversations were truly collaborative and it was refreshing to see he was often on the same page or one step ahead every time I mentioned something (OR totally open to hearing my suggestions and trusting my expertise).

There were a lot of little things that weren't perfect and that was a bit disappointing to me... but I know it was a learning curve. I made myself a bit small because it's HIS project and we also haven't worked together before. But all the places where I made myself small were the places things fell through the cracks - it's frustrating cuz I know it could have been avoided, but also reassuring cuz I know these things are easily fixed if we work together again in this way.

Which we will. In planning this project, we have talked a lot about some of his other future plans and ways I can support him in those. I'm not being paid to help him, but he's My Friend and I love him dearly and I also can genuinely see that my efforts WILL lead to very tangible results here and that makes me feel good.

BUT also through this stuff with him, other opportunities are coming to me.

Someone I met when I accompanied him to an event a few weeks ago asked to have a call with me last week. In that call, I was honest about leaving my own career recently and wanting to figure out a new path for myself. This guy had seen my work, heard about what I've been doing with My Friend, and offered to connect me with a lot of people in the industry who need support or consulting - he basically was affirming that I obviously have a lot of skill/expertise and if helping others is something I am able to do, then he knows a lot of people who would pay me to do so. We talked about the imposter syndrome of it all, too, which was nice to be understood without having to say it.

At the actual event My Friend produced this weekend, I met another friend/colleague of his and we also had a conversation about my lack of direction right now. He asked to exchange contacts and reached out today to arrange a call. His role in the industry is quite niche but he has a lot of contacts he's built in his network over the years. He's working on building new projects right now and he has his niche covered but needs someone to do more of the project management on my side of things so he wants to share with me to see if it's something I could be part of. That would also be paid cuz his contacts are people with lots of money and very little skill.

With both of those people, I was very honest and vulnerable about leaving my career and feeling lost... and they were the ones who already were more than happy to offer suggestions.

The overall event on the weekend went really well and, even despite the few things that should have been better, I had a lot of different people offering me a lot of praise on my work. It was both the big picture and lots of the little details that I managed that people appreciated and I was reminded that I'm really fucking good at what I do. Like, REALLY good. Especially when I have the space & trust & support to fully do it, without any of the pressure of being front-facing with all the various partners and the public.

It was a lot, though. If I could build a small team (or be part of a project with budget to hire a team), then maybe I'd thrive. As it was, by the end of the night on Saturday, my body and my brain were completely done. Negative spoons, so much pain. I felt bad because there was a lot of teardown, cleaning up, organizing that needed to happen and I physically couldn't. I was just a body in the space, but I couldn't help. My Friend did so much work on his own, even though he'd been going all day on even less sleep than me. But I was not even human by the end of it.

I drove into a curb when I was leaving. I drove an entire hour away with bags that had very important stuff in my front seat. I have barely communicated with anyone since then. I'm still in so, so, SO much physical pain. I pushed myself way too hard (even with intentionally forcing myself to take breaks).

And I still have so much of my own work to do. I rearranged a lot of my schedule to focus on this project to get to the finish line, but now I'm having a hard time catching up. AND I've had an unexpected but extremely cool opportunity pop up this week that I'm now trying to prep for. I keep having waking nightmares that I'm going to fuck this up, which would suck cuz this actually could open a door to something that I literally said last week would be a dream for my own work.

I don't want to end up exactly where I was, burning myself out. I've been so careful and intentional about how I spend my time and my energy and it's gotten me in a good space mentally and financially. I like the potential for new paths, but I am just nervous about being able to keep up, I guess.

I have to be honest about my limitations. Which is hard, but necessary.

[urfvlives]

Omg I'm so tiiiiiiiiiiiiired. Fuckin' hell.

The last week was exhausting, especially the weekend. I'm still recovering and having some big talks with myself about what my life can realistically look like. Not what I'm trying to still pretend it can be, that's for fucking sure.

A thing just broke in my brain tonight, though, and I'm trying to hold it together so I don't totally fall apart needlessly.

Last year, the Munchkin cracked the screen on my laptop. I barely had enough money to cover living expenses at the time, so I couldn't get that fixed. It was broken about a year.

I do finally have more money and I'm in a good place financially. I also NEED to be able to work outside of this house while my family is here for the summer (for my own sanity). So I finally got it fixed. It was expensive enough that I considered just buying a new laptop instead, but ultimately decided to save that extra bit of money cuz this one is still otherwise in working condition. He kept asking over and over, excitedly waiting for it. I don't own a television, so my laptop is the only screen in the house that he can use to watch videos or play games with his friends or whatever (aside from his phone). We got it back 10 days ago. 10. Fucking. days.

There have been several other instances of him breaking things recently. Some small, some big, always "I didn't mean to!" and a resistance to take responsibility. It's been a big conversation in our house lately. Honestly, I won't say that ADHD isn't a big part of the conversation... but also just please be more aware of what you're doing, kid. Please.

I've booked a trip with him at the end of this month and I made several choices that were less about the practical option but giving him an experience. I haven't been able to do that much for the last several years. I'm spending the money because he deserves to have a trip like this with me, at least once in his childhood.

Just today, I spent a shit ton of money for an experience to have with my niece later this summer. It was wayyyyy more than I wanted to spend, but when I initially tried to pay for this at a reasonable price, I couldn't even afford THAT. I can afford it now, even though it's literally 3 times the price. I know she will be so happy and so excited. I had to verbally talk myself through it as I was making the purchase: "This will be okay. You've been secure financially, you are using this money to make someone else happy, so it will come back to you in other ways. Trust that you are working hard and making smart choices overall, and this money is okay to spend." I did it.

This evening, the kid was using my laptop to play a game with his friend. It was time to turn it off and start getting ready for bed. He had to be asked several times. I got very tired (stillllll recovering) and felt myself crashing, so I lay down in my bed. 5 mins later, the Munchkin comes in my room sniffling. "What's wrong? Has something happened? What happened?"

"I did it again. The computerrrrrrr. The screeeeeeennnnnn."

"...it's cracked? Again? ...Kid."

And then he threw himself into my arms and proceeded to have a huge meltdown. It wasn't on purpose, he didn't mean to. He's sorry. Sobbing, shaking, hyperventilating.

I wanted to cry. I was so exhausted and so angry. Obviously, I just quietly hugged him. I helped him calm down. I assured him I love him and I wasn't mad at him, but I was very frustrated with this situation. I let him know I understand he didn't mean to do that and I could tell he was very sorry. I told him that was a big mistake and we'd have to talk about it, but I asked him to shower and get ready for bed first. For him to regulate and for me to also regulate. He went back to his room and I heard him wailing a few more minutes... I let him. He fucked up, it's gonna feel bad. He brought me the laptop to look at, then went to shower. I cried while he did.

We spoke a bit before he went to bed. Consequences calmly but firmly stated. Things to discuss and work on, figure out, make a plan (because why THE FUCK do you keep breaking shit??? SLOW. DOWN. BE. CAREFUL.). He was quiet, then went off to bed. 15 minutes later, I walked past his room and saw him just lying with his eyes open. So I went and lay beside him, rubbing his back until he fell asleep.

Lying with him, I realized this is a small mistake. For him, it feels huge. For me, it feels pretty fucking big cuz I just spent a LOT of money just for him to make the same mistake 10 days later. But, ultimately, it is a small mistake. He feels bad, there are consequences, but I didn't yell at him, I didn't shame him, I didn't belittle him, I didn't guilt trip him, I didn't give him huge consequences that weren't directly related to the mistake. I reminded him that I love him, that I forgive him, that I know he's a good kid who didn't mean to fuck up. I came back to physically reassure and calm him before he slept. So I can only hope that if (or when) he makes much, much bigger mistakes, he'll feel safe to talk to me about them, even if he feels really bad. I hope that he knows I am still on his side, even when I'm frustrated by his mistakes.

But now I feel like I've completely shut down. I'm so fucking tired.

I still have so much work to do and I can't wrap my brain around doing it (but Jesus, I need to cuz apparently I gotta afford expensive shit that's just gonna get flushed down the toilet 10 days later).

I'm doom-spiraling, anticipating all the things that can go wrong. The last several years have just been so many things going wrong back to back. Like, it's just a laptop, we're all still alive... but all the medium-to-somewhat-large things that can go wrong keep going wrong and it's fucking exhausting and I'm just waiting for the next shoe to drop.

I feel like I'm being punished for spending money? And it's just gonna keep happening?

I probably just need sleep. I can feel this spiral and I know if I let it go too far down, too quickly, I'll have a HELL of a time getting back out of it. But... I actually do have so much fucking work to do, cuz I'm still recovering from the last week/weekend. So I guess I'm just gonna try to do that.

Sigh. Sigh sigh sigh.

[proteinmom]

i love turning off lights. no need for all that

[homunculus-argument]

You ever think about how old people have no idea what “survivor bias” is, and take full credit for being excellent out of things where they lucked out?

“Back in my day we didn’t have any of these childhood protective things, we were smart enough not to do stupid shit on our own!” Except your little neighbour, who got the funniest idea at the age of seven, and got his skull pierced when he slipped?

“Back in my day nobody got divorced, we stuck together and fixed our problems!” What about your cousin, who was slowly killed by her husband because she had nowhere to escape him?

“Back in my day nobody had ‘mental problems’, we didn’t whine, we just toughed it out and endured life!” Hey remember that guy you used to work with, who seemed really friendly and normal, and then suddenly hanged himself ‘for no reason’?

“Back in my day we didn’t have any of this ‘gay’ or ‘transgender’ thing.” You did, but your family cut all ties with her before you were born.

 You kinda start seeing it in everything they think, if you start looking for it.

[thegrimzuera]

“When we were kids nobody whined about car seats or bike helmets. We didn’t use them, and we all survived!”

Yeah, except for the ones who didn’t.

[urfvlives]

Me, talking about getting the Munchkin assessed for ADHD after repeated conversations with many teachers.

My mom: "That just sounds like your teachers when you were a kid. All your report cards used to say you were bright but easily distracted and too slow at getting your work done." (Something they keep bringing up as a funny anecdote to this day, 30+ years later)

My dad: "And that wasn't any 'ADHD.' It was just a kid being a kid."

Me: "Right, I just knew that what everyone else seemed to be able to do was really hard for me for some reason. And I just couldn't get it right. Then I hated going to school and I hated learning and I started skipping classes and never did my assignments. Right? But maybe it doesn't have to be so painful for him...?"

My mom: "Well... you just cared more about your dance & music, you didn't focus."

My dad: *pointed silence and busying himself with whatever task he was doing*

[messygoku]

for all of you:

[urfvlives]

Literally just wished opened this app to write a post saying:

Hello. My entire body hurts. I am going to sleep. Awake is too ouch. That is all.

This post is kind. And also reminded me that maybe taking a painkiller before I go to sleep is a good idea. I have to get up to do that and... as mentioned... ouch. But worse ouch if I don't? Yeah, probably.

[bingutop]

You are trapped in an elevator with the person on your lockscreen. Who is it?

Reblog with who you get stuck with~

[urfvlives]

I just watched a video Tarzan posted of his now teenaged son and... he's so socially awkward. I guess he always has kind of been, which I thought was just kind of not knowing how to interact with me in particular. When he was younger, he was pretty distant from me and I assumed it was because his mom actively talked shit about me constantly. Like he'd go back to his mom's house and she'd interrogate him about if they spent time with us then rant and rave about how I'm an awful homewrecker and she hates me (mind you, I didn't meet Tarzan until years after they'd broken up). Because of that, Tarzan also avoided showing me any special attention around his Little One, so it made sense to me that he'd be a bit standoffish towards me. In more recent years, he has been very polite but extra awkward around me and I thought it was just like, "Uh obviously my dad isn't dating you, so I'm not sure how to interact with you now."

Thinking back to him as a child, he was always pretty playful and talkative with other kids, but that was always the Munchkin, his cousins, his best friends from school, etc. I never saw him with kids he didn't know well. He did get into conflicts a lot, though. I admit, I thought he was being difficult on purpose to get reactions out of people cuz it often seemed intentionally annoying. He & the Munchkin loved playing together but were like oil and water sometimes.

Watching this recent video, I immediately thought "that is an autistic teenager." His physical movement, they way he was interacting with/reacting to a large group of people at once (basically just shutting down), zero eye contact, obviously not knowing what was expected of him (and seeming stressed about it) until he was specifically told. For the record, what was expected was that he just let people sing Happy Birthday, then blow out candles on his birthday cake. 😕

I always felt kind of self-conscious when the boys were little cuz my autistic son would be having meltdowns, being super rigid about obscure things, not participating in group activities cuz he was hyperfixated on something else, and the meltdowns, the meltdowns, the meltdowns. Tarzan's Little One seemed so calm and agreeable compared to the Munchkin and I felt like my kiddo was being silently judged for his external expressions. I also did see a lot of instances of Tarzan's Little One wanting to get upset and very quickly being shut down, especially when they were still toddlers. He learned very quickly that he wasn't allowed to have emotions, basically.

As a kid, the list of safe foods he ate was very small. It was easy to chalk that up to being a picky toddler when we first met, but even as he grew, there were certain foods we knew NOT to include in our meals and certain foods he was always going to want. And ketchup on literally anything and everything.

I also remember that for many, many years he was obsessed with Pokemon. A lot of kids are, but this was like their whole apartment was covered in Pokemon stuff, plushies everywhere, decor, etc. Games, movies, tv show on repeat. He had multiple huge binders of Pokemon cards that were meticulously organized and he could tell you exactly what he had in his collection and the stats of each of them with no thought. There were several Pokemon birthdays in a row (while my Munchkin had Black Panther/Superhero parties for multiple years haha).

He also was really fixated on old school 80s & 90s cartoons. Tarzan is a collector, so I thought it was just cuz his dad had all these old VHS tapes & DVDs but it was also a little bit... obsessive.

There was a massive obsession with a toy/game that I thought was associated with children that involved a huge, intense collection and lots of special equipment and shit. I thought he'd outgrown that too at some point, but I recently discovered that Tarzan and the Little One have both been competing in these tournaments every week, they're now going to some huge finals competition, they have a team & an Instagram account. Like this is a huge part of their life. Looking at the community, it's all adults who are part of the world of competiting in this game. And, without judging or diagnosing people I don't know off of a few Instagram posts... I'd wager about 100% of the people in that room are neurodivergent. Lol.

I dunno why I'm just so struck by this. I've known this kid since he was a toddler. In my years working with children and raising my own child, I thought I was pretty good at recognizing signs that a kid might be autistic. I've never thought this about the Little One before, but looking at him now that he's no longer a little kid (and piecing together the signs that I've found excuses for over the years), I'm amazed that I didn't see it before. I'm not diagnosing him either, but I'd put big money on this bet, too.

I guess it's cuz Tarzan is the most neurotypical person in my life (which is why we struggle to understand each other so much). And I know for damn sure he has never and will never be like "Hey, how can I accommodate this kid's unique needs and experiences?" He's just happy the Little One is mostly quiet and agreeable. And so I guess this is how some kids just mask really well and fly under the radar.

But now that he's a teenager, I feel like his social relationships are gonna get harder and harder. Little kids get away with a lot without much judgment from other weird little kids, but teenagers stand out a lot more if they aren't following the social norms. That birthday video was almost painful to watch, I had secondhand embarrassment from seeing him so awkward and also seeing on his face that he was trying to figure out what to do in that situation.

Once again, I find myself a bit sad I'm not in his life more. Not that I'm missing being in a relationship with Tarzan, but I'm just wishing our kids were growing up closer together and he could have adults in his life like me or my family.

Hmm, I realize my family probably recognized it so long ago. Both my sister & my mom used to offer to have the Little One spend time with our family for more outings, one-on-one tutoring, etc. I'm just the only one who didn't see it.

I also wish I'd been more patient with him (in my own head; I never outwardly reacted) when I thought he was being difficult or intentionally annoying to others... maybe he honestly didn't realize how other people were perceiving him. Maybe. Or maybe he really did just like to make people mad sometimes. Lol.

[urfvlives]

I did it again. I did it to myself.

I've needed to fix my laptop. I've put it off for so long. I fiiiiiiiiiiinally made my way to get it done today. I got helped pretty quickly, had to wait about 15 mins for them to assess and give me a quote.

It was a bit more expensive than I thought. I said, "Let me think about it" then went to look at new laptops in the store to compare costs. Overall, a brand new laptop in that rough price range would be a significant downgrade so I went back 5 mins later to tell them I want the repair. Just need to process the order, make the payment, etc.

Except now he's helping someone new. This adorable little old lady who has a million questions. I've heard her say twice now, "Okay, I won't bother you anymore." He very kindly answers, "Don't worry, this is what I'm here for. Is there anything else I can help you with today?" There is. There are so many things. I kind of feel like they're just having a general chat about computers at this point. But he's endlessly patient. So I am being patient, too.

But I could have been back home like 30 mins ago if I'd just agreed to the initial quote right away. I did this to myself.

[urfvlives]

Part of what I'm feeling good about in this recent transition is that I can create a schedule that mostly works for me. I'm getting a lot done, with tangible outcomes, and still finding I have time to rest and do other things in my life. And still making more money right now than I was when I was stretching myself thin & (crashing and) burning out.

I'm also actually enjoying the work I'm doing a lot more. Which is a big plus cuz motivation is at an all time low these days.

That being said, I still had a moment last week where I kind of spiraled a bit. Just the reality of my entire life changing and the unknown in front of me and the grief of what I thought my future would look like. It knocked me on my ass. Thankfully, I control my schedule so I was able to just give myself the rest of that day to be sad and cry.

Last Wednesday, I did end up going to that event with My Friend. It was basically a week-long national industry summit, lots of workshops, panels, etc. and various networking events every evening. He was presenting Wednesday afternoon, so he got a pass for me to attend just that day. We were talking about my existential crisis on the way there and I shared how uncertain I felt about showing up in this space - people who know me will expect to hear updates of what my team is working on; people who don't know me will ask questions about what I do and I wasn't sure how to answer. My purpose in being there this year was to support him and that's what I wanted to say, but it didn't feel like the right answer?

Talking with a small group when we arrived, someone asked what I do and I hesitated slightly and looked at My Friend (cuz we'd JUST been discussing that) and then someone else answered for me, "Oh! Don't be modest! She does THIS!!!" Which then set off a whole domino effect of that happening again & again as new people kept showing up and introducing themselves. They'd ask to see my website or socials & get very enthusiastically supportive when they saw our work. It was... weird.

I am glad I was there, though. I've always learned a lot from those kinds of workshops and panels as someone building a career up independently; there was a lot to learn from people who have a lot more experience or work at larger companies. This year, I felt validated in my choice to leave my team cuz most of what I was hearing felt opposite to how we had been operating - I knew we'd need a complete overhaul for things to really change and listening to all these experts reaffirmed that. I was also listening and learning a lot from the perspective of being in more of a consultant role, rather than trying to build my own business, which was interesting. I think I'm just exploring in my own mind what possibilities exist.

My Friend also had an extra ticket to another event the next evening, so I went to that, too. That was more of a bougie gala, lots of bigwig execs, that's where people attempt to do the high-level networking. We didn't really talk to anyone and then we left early. Lol.

And Friday, he invited me to yet another event in his town (he's actually a bit outside of Toronto) which was more networking as part of this development program he's doing. He was in workshops with these people the entire weekend, so I think he invited me as his plus one to avoid having to make small talk with them all evening hahaha. Nobody knew me at this event so he was really great about preemptively jumping in with, "She's amazing at this job, but these days I'm lucky to have her working with me to help out my business." No awkwardness or uncertainty for me.

After that event, we went to check out a local outdoor event that happens monthly in that town and we ran into a lot of his friends and colleagues. It was really good to see more of his world and get a better understanding of what he's actually building out there. He does eventually want to focus on working in Toronto mainly, but right now he's building a really strong base in his town. It was nice to see the impacts of that myself.

He's working on a pretty big project right now, so for the next few weeks I'm going to help him mostly just organize and stay on top of things - he needs structure and systems more than anything else right now. But I also have ideas of ways I can support him on a more ongoing basis even once this project is complete.

He is not as established as my team was. There's a lot of growth for him still. But his work ethic, his business sense, his skill at what he does... it's exciting for me.

*****

On another note, my team got a message from the one other member who just a month ago said he was done, he needed to step away, he didn't have it in him to do this work anymore. Apparently, a couple different people had reached out to him with opportunities for us. He wanted to know if we were interested in going back to work to take these opportunities.

And that truly is a big part of the issue. There was no bigger conversation. Nothing has changed. We still aren't really improving or progressing or addressing the things that haven't been working. But we get big opportunities or big contracts and everyone is ready to throw ourselves into them and end up running ourselves ragged (and into debt) cuz it seems exciting or it looks good on paper... then everyone falls apart as individuals, the operation of the business slows down massively and I'm left to pick up the slack. And we would end up in that cycle forever. I told them I'm not interested in any work, for those reasons. But I also told them if they wanted to take those contracts without me, they should. There were no more messages after that.

They could do those without me, if they really wanted to. But without a lot of the organizing, managing, logistics that I normally handle, they'd just have to figure it out themselves. They're capable of doing it, they just haven't HAD to for many, many years. Who knows, we'll see what they end up doing.

[urfvlives]

I finally brought my car to the mechanic. I brought it in yesterday but DIDN'T bring my all season tires cuz I was just too sick & tired to get them out of storage. But I got him to look at the noise & check the funny sound the brakes are making & change the oil. He wasn't here when I arrived and they had lots of cars in (and I hate sitting around at the shop and I had work to do), so I just left the car and told him to call me when it's finished.

Today, I meant to get the tires out first thing in the morning and come back. I couldn't do it; sat in paralysis for about an hour just willing myself to move. I was just so tired and, I realized, anticipating how fatigued I'd be afterwards. When I finally went down to the storage, emptied my trunk of all the equipment from my last event (...hmm, what are we gonna do with all the equipment my team has invested in over the years?), pulled out the tires and got them into the car it didn't take very long at all but I had to just sit for like 15 mins afterwards.

The mechanic asked if I could just stay and wait for him to finish his lunch then change them, so I'm just sitting here right now while he eats. But that's good cuz I do not have physical nor mental capacity to do anything BUT sit. That one task knocked me on my ass.

I still don't know how to explain this kind of fatigue to people who don't experience it. I didn't just get tired from moving heavy tires from a storage locker, down a hallway, into the garage, over to my car (as close as I could get but a little distance away) then up into my trunk. That would be tiring for anyone, even a very strong, very fit person. But that kind of tired you feel in the moment, you rest a bit, you regulate your heartrate and regain your strength, you move on with your day. I am DRAINED. My head is spinning a bit. My limbs feel like they are full of sand. I could close my eyes right now and I'd be asleep in seconds. The fact that I'm not falling asleep means I might get really nauseated or a piercing headache or both very soon. And I'm probably going to feel like this for the rest of the day, until I can lie down and sleep. (50/50 shot if I'd wake up feeling better or worse.)

I avoid doing so many things in my life, cuz I just don't know if I'm going to be able to recover. I have a lot of work to do today and already sitting here at this mechanic shop is eating into my day. But I also don't know how productive I'll be when I finally do get back to my computer, and that's really frustrating.

I have to block off an entire day in my schedule for something like "get the tires out from storage" cuz that one task that took no more than 15 mins has knocked me out for the rest of the day.

This is annoying. I'm just annoyed today.

*

Also, as I just realized I'd been sitting here 45 mins, the mechanic came out and said he forgot I was waiting. 😫 Sir!!! I'm not just hanging out at your shop cuz it's fun! Please change my fucking tires and let me go home.

[urfvlives]

Cuz it takes 10 mins. He's already done. I could have been home half an hour ago. Sighhhhhhh.

[urfvlives]

I finally brought my car to the mechanic. I brought it in yesterday but DIDN'T bring my all season tires cuz I was just too sick & tired to get them out of storage. But I got him to look at the noise & check the funny sound the brakes are making & change the oil. He wasn't here when I arrived and they had lots of cars in (and I hate sitting around at the shop and I had work to do), so I just left the car and told him to call me when it's finished.

Today, I meant to get the tires out first thing in the morning and come back. I couldn't do it; sat in paralysis for about an hour just willing myself to move. I was just so tired and, I realized, anticipating how fatigued I'd be afterwards. When I finally went down to the storage, emptied my trunk of all the equipment from my last event (...hmm, what are we gonna do with all the equipment my team has invested in over the years?), pulled out the tires and got them into the car it didn't take very long at all but I had to just sit for like 15 mins afterwards.

The mechanic asked if I could just stay and wait for him to finish his lunch then change them, so I'm just sitting here right now while he eats. But that's good cuz I do not have physical nor mental capacity to do anything BUT sit. That one task knocked me on my ass.

I still don't know how to explain this kind of fatigue to people who don't experience it. I didn't just get tired from moving heavy tires from a storage locker, down a hallway, into the garage, over to my car (as close as I could get but a little distance away) then up into my trunk. That would be tiring for anyone, even a very strong, very fit person. But that kind of tired you feel in the moment, you rest a bit, you regulate your heartrate and regain your strength, you move on with your day. I am DRAINED. My head is spinning a bit. My limbs feel like they are full of sand. I could close my eyes right now and I'd be asleep in seconds. The fact that I'm not falling asleep means I might get really nauseated or a piercing headache or both very soon. And I'm probably going to feel like this for the rest of the day, until I can lie down and sleep. (50/50 shot if I'd wake up feeling better or worse.)

I avoid doing so many things in my life, cuz I just don't know if I'm going to be able to recover. I have a lot of work to do today and already sitting here at this mechanic shop is eating into my day. But I also don't know how productive I'll be when I finally do get back to my computer, and that's really frustrating.

I have to block off an entire day in my schedule for something like "get the tires out from storage" cuz that one task that took no more than 15 mins has knocked me out for the rest of the day.

This is annoying. I'm just annoyed today.

*

Also, as I just realized I'd been sitting here 45 mins, the mechanic came out and said he forgot I was waiting. 😫 Sir!!! I'm not just hanging out at your shop cuz it's fun! Please change my fucking tires and let me go home.

[urfvlives]

There's something playing out right now that I can see so clearly in my mind. I've seen it for the last couple months. Maybe it's more woo shit. I dunno. But I've seen it already and I'm watching it unfold.

My Friend and I connected 3 years ago and have very organically built a friendship over time. I knew from the very beginning that part of his efforts to be friends was also an attempt to get closer professionally, just to see where it might lead. That's just part of the industry - you do make genuine friends but always hope that can lead to professional opportunities.

I saw that 3 years ago. I didn't know if it would happen, but I saw it.

Last year, I told him I wanted us to be in each other's lives more, he has not stopped showing up or making the effort to make that happen since then. Which led to me finally asking him to collaborate in a small way to the last big project my team did before the end of the year. He was one of the highlights of that whole process for me - just having him there and the moments I was showing him the ropes helped me feel a lot more grounded (which I needed).

Before the holidays, we got together and that was the first time we talked about a true collaboration on a much bigger project. I was more excited about helping it come together for him than I was my own team; I told him if the collab didn't work out then I'd still be willing to help him do it alone in my spare time. I saw very clearly then that it was something I would do eventually (I didn't know then that I'd stop working myself). It didn't pan out for the timeline we had been discussing, but I still know it is something I'll do for him in the future.

In the months before I told my team I was finished, I talked with My Friend a lot, both about my feelings and about his own career. In all of those conversations, I just felt that I was going to use my skills to help him. It's where I'm actually excited and where I feel like my efforts will lead to tangible results. I still didn't know that I was quitting my career, but somewhere in me I felt that eventually I'd offer him help.

We've gently floated various ideas for the last several months. Sometimes coming from me, sometimes from him. A lot of "maybe sometime we can" or "hopefully one day I could" type thoughts. I'm learning a lot about his general business, workflow, goals, etc. Initially it was as a friend wanting to catch up and be supportive, but more recently it's been more of an assessment of his business & trying to understand what he needs... and what I could potentially offer right now (both of us recognizing that I still need space from the industry & genuine rest).

I told him a couple weeks ago he could use my name in communication regarding an event happening this week; say I'm working with him, include me in conversations with organizers, etc. so they take him more seriously. But he's still the one actually doing all the communication & planning, just has my name attached to it. I can see that becoming me jumping in on some of that communication, me taking on some of the organizing to take things off his plate, me showing up in meetings or on calls with him then in lieu of him. I can see me actually taking on this role more and more over time, rather than an official "I'm going to do this job."

Not that I'm speculating it might happen; I see it already. It just isn't happening yet.

He asked me if I wanted to accompany him to this event later this week. I had no intention of attending; obviously I didn't organize for my team to be there this year and I can't imagine being there alone and having to explain again and again how I'm NOT there for my own work. We haven't publicly announced that we ended the business yet. There is a question mark to logistics of me being able to join that day, so I said I'll leave it to the fates. If things work out, then I'll go with him. If not, then it's cuz I'm not meant to be getting involved with the industry or his career in this way. (Yet.)

But I see it. I see myself back in this life, in this world, spending my time at events like this again... but not for me. For him.

I've always known this is where I wanted to end up. The goal has always been to establish our business to the point that it can run sustainably even if we aren't actively working on new things, then I wanted to branch out to consult/coach others. Cuz I am good at what I do and I like helping people see their visions come to life. But maybe this is where I'm meant to be sooner than I realized? I dunno.

I'm not pushing for anything to happen. I really am just letting things play out however they play out. I have seen things previously that are currently playing out, without any guidance from me. And I see other things that haven't happened yet, but I'm just letting life happen. I'm too tired to make any kind of plan and hustle for any dream. I'm just living life.

[teathattast]