I've haven't been able to go see my therapist in around a month or so, so i've been doing what i was best at when i was 13 and had already tried to kill myself two times, bottle up my emotions! because i thought that it would have been only for a couple of weeks or so and that soon i'd bee back to my regular sesions, and my psychiatric appointments aren't until March and June, so i've been trying to keep it together and look put together and happy, but my intrusive thoughts have been in a rise lately, and i mean INTRUSIVE, not the "I gave myself bangs haha im so quirky" the "you could probably get away with murdering one of your college professors if you followed this highly specific plan that you're already writing down" type, im OBVIOUSLY not going to follow them, i know that, but lately everything feels like it's TOO LOUD, and that if i just took one of my pencils, pens, or craft box-cutters and stabbed someone, anyone, even myself, in the eye, everybody would just SHUT THE HELL UP, even when im completely alone in my room.
my younger brother has been particularly fussy lately, i cant blame him, hes around 3, he's sick and has been taking some medication that makes him fussier than normal, but each time he starts crying or, more often, trowing tantrums about not being allowed to use my mom's phone, and each time he cries, the only thing on my mind is to make him shut up, force him to shut up, or to do the same thing my parents did to me when i was still a kid and cried "for no reason"( i was always considered a sensitive kid, turns out it was just the autism) and tell him that I'd "give him something to cry about" (this used to be a very common phrase that latino parents used to scold crying children, but my mother stopped using that when i was a few years into teenage-hood, so my younger sibling didn't experience it that much, and my younger brother has never experienced it and probably never will) yesterday it was one of the days when he had a particularly bad tantrum, again over not being allowed to use my mom's phone, and i couldn't just leave and retire myself from the situation because we were out of the house, we weren't going back for a couple of hours, and all i could think, all that was in my mind was "SHUT HIM UP, SHUT HIM UP SHUT HIM UP, SHUT HIM UP, YOU COULD MAKE HIM SHUT UP SO EASILY, YOU ARE BIGGER THAN HIM, MAKE HIM SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH, SHUT HIM UP, SHUT HIM UP SHUT HIM UP SHUT" over and over and over, my hands were itching with the need to just jump over that stupid Carl's Jr table we were sitting at and start strangling him, to bash his head against the table until he stopped making noises, until every one stopped making noises.
I KNOW HES JUST A BABY, I KNOW HE DOESNT KNOW BETTER AND I KNOW ITS BAD THAT I EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT, i love both my sibling and my brother, i love them more than anything in this world, but i just couldn't, and all i did when we got home was to hide away in my room, hopping i started to rot away like in the dream i had that previous night/early morning, where my mom's dog bit my arm, and each time i tried to wake up, because i knew i was dreaming, i just got five seconds of consciousness and then i was back in my bed in the dream, with my arm rotting further and further each time i tried to wake up, i could feel the burn of the skin and flesh lifting up, the movement of the maggots that had appeared under my skin, the nauseating smell of infection, of sickness, of rot, and i was so convinced when i finally managed to REALLY wake up that i would look at my right arm and see the rot, the infection, the maggots, or at least the scars that something had happened, and-and i tried to talk to my mother about it that same morning as she was making breakfast for her, my stepfather and my baby brother ( i wasn't hungry and my sibling had already eaten) but she told me it was probably just stress, this is only the second dream that i've ever had that i remember, the only other one is a recurring nightmare i had during my biggest and most severe depressive episode, the one where i tried suicide multiple times, before i was medicated, a dream that seems silly from an outside perspective, but it was almost every single day, i still remember it nowdays, and i still remember the dogbite dream very clearly even thought it hasn't been reocurring, and today when i tried to talk to mom about my increase in intrusive thoughts, how all i was thinking yesterday was about making my brother shut up, she dismissed me by telling me to not use "therapy terms, because she doesnt understand them", then that i had to be more specific and organized about the kind of "bad thoughts" i was talking about, then saying that everyone has those kinds of thoughts, that she sometimes wants to force the three of us to shut up by force, but she knows not to act on them, I was REALLY trying to tell her how often they had been happening, how they'd gone from mildly violent/ disgusting and self harm centered to terrifier level of violent and expanded to be about anyone close to me in that exact moment, how i know it's "fine" as long as i don't have intentions of acting upon them, but how im afraid that one day i won't be able to hold back the impulse, im afraid to be left alone with my baby brother because i don't know if i'll try to snap his neck or sufocate him with a nearby pillow or blanket if he starts crying, because i can't trust myself to not be a danger for others, and i don't want to hurt him, i really don't, i cant say enough how much i adore both of my younger siblings, but the only reason i still feel safe being around my sibling is because they are much stronger than me, if i impulsively acted on one of my intrusive thoughts, they would be able to defend themselves, to restrain me, or to knock me out if necessary, the same reason why i still feel safe around my friends, because they're either never alone with only me, or because they're stronger or more capable of kicking my ass and i hate feeling like any day i will act on those intrusuve thoughts, because I DONT WANT TO but its too much noise, in my head, in the world, in my house, everywere, and my head just fills with the need to MAKE IT STOP SOMEWAY
