April 22, 2012 – Sunday, 3:45 AM
When love feels like magic, you call it destiny; when destiny has a sense of humor, you call it serendipity – this was the line from a popular 90’s movie which brings back a lot of teenage memories, and it’s so surreal to be sitting here in my study table writing about the exact thing!
I used to wonder whether soulmates really do exist and not just some make believe-fairytale-like story that our delusional grandmothers would tell us when we were kids and started asking questions about love, relationships, and… sex (yes, at an early age, I knew what sex was all about even though my Gran would do every bit of excuse just to avoid the topic). When I was a little boy, my definition of love was simple: my parents. They’ve always loved and cared for each other and it was so amazing to be brought up in an almost perfect family, not until things got really fucked up. I was just twelve when my parents split up and I was thrown at my Gran’s which she willingly accepted of course (like she had a choice). That was the time that I hated both my parents and how they’ve tricked me into believing that marriage is something that should last forever. Growing up was really difficult for me because I didn’t have any role model, parental figure, and people to look up to. I didn’t have parents who were supposed to tell me their great love story which in return will become my inspiration to look for that one special person that I can spend my whole life with. That idea of a parent telling a kid the good and bad side of love was forever “out of service”.
As I was growing up, I met a really special girl and her name was Mae. She was my school mate back in high school and spending so much time together in art club brought us even more closely to each other. When she found out that I had this huge crush on her, I was so scared that I might have freaked her out and that she wouldn’t be friends with me anymore or if she stays being friends with me, things would still get really awkward. But amazingly, FATE was very kind and told me he was going to give me a little taste of what love is all about. I was fifteen back then and Mae was my first real kiss, my first date, my first girlfriend, and my first love. We were together the whole junior and senior years and it was awesome. Call it puppy love, young love, or whatever, but Mae really did open up something in me. I was so in love with her for a very long time that I almost forgot how the same kind of love brought so much pain not only to my parents but to me and my brother as well. I had this crazy idea that after graduating from high school, I’d get her pregnant so we would have a reason to be together forever. However, FATE was one fucking asshole and decided to change everything. I guess I wasn’t exactly the kind of guy who would get everything so easily, especially in keeping relationships. Mae was also my first heartbreak. We broke up during the summer of 2000, just before I moved to Manila for college. I wasn’t exactly sure why I had given up on her when in fact I was so sure she was the one. All I knew was that I couldn’t bear the pain of what she did. I couldn’t even look her in the eyes and tell her how much I love her after what she did to me. Of all the pain that a person could cause you, cheating is probably the worse and most painful. It’s like the end of everything and when someone you really love cheats on you; your love for that person suddenly stops. Although I swear my love for Mae lasted for a couple more months before I realized that pain, sadness, and despair had all gone up to my spine and started destroying every bits and pieces of hope that was left in me. I lost all the reason to smile and be happy. I lost the one thing that kept me hoping for a better life and that I wouldn’t have to live my life alone someday.
My entire college life was filled with constant dating, short term relationships, one night stands, and zero-commitment policy. I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt me the same way Mae did, so I built the hardest walls around me, especially the one that could protect my heart from being ripped and burnt mercilessly again. All those years after college were also inanimate; nothing but pure hesitation to live my life to the fullest. Every time I meet someone, I would either run away as fast as I can or convince myself that the person I’m dating is a psychopath, and it’s always been like that. For as long as I can remember, my belief about love has been narrowed down to three things: 1.) I am better off alone; no relationships 2.) I spent years of storing away all the SHIT and drama of my life and I’m not going to let anyone open Pandora’s box 3.) Relationship sucks; the more you open up yourself to another person, you’re giving him/ her license to hurt you and bring forth misery all over again which could pretty much kill you in the next round. The meaning of love to me remained “undefined” and it’s the only thing that could really ruin my Sunday good mood. But deep down, I still had curiosity about what love truly means, how it actually feels like to be in love or being loved in return, and more importantly, how it changed the lives of so many people. I would say that I’ve envied those who claimed to have experienced real love despite all the crazy things that’s been happening around us. So, overtime, I kind of developed an awkward relationship with romantic movies – trying to get myself a clear connection of what love is (I am happy to admit that it’s because I’m single and bitter).
I have come up with my own definition of love based on scientific research. I believe love is the hyperactivity of the nucleus accumbens deep in the limbic system of your brain. This is the same part of the brain employed by heroin, and other delightful addictions like taking marijuana. What I am trying to point out is, love starts as a great joy and fascination towards the other person and this is what you call infatuation. Infatuation is love unsustained. You were in love or you thought you were in love with that person but the truth was you only liked what you saw from the outer surface –nothing more. Although, in rare cases, infatuation could evolve to a deeper emotion full of sincerity, intimacy, and the one that summons all the familiar good memories which you thought you’ve lost a long time ago.
Its 5:14 in the morning and here I am sitting in my study table, enjoying the cold summer morning breeze from my window, when all of a sudden, it hit me really hard. As I was searching for the true meaning of love, finding out whether soulmates really exist or not, and wondering if a person can fully entrust his heart again to someone after getting it crashed the first, second, and third time around, I realized that I’ve found the answers a week ago. I recently met someone in the most amazing way anyone could ever imagine and God knows I didn’t ask for it to happen, it just happened. Naturally, my instincts told me to run away again because that’s where I’m good at but deep down something told me to stay and take a glimpse of what this person could offer. I’m not good at this and I literally suck at anything that has something to do with love. After a very long time of preventing myself to love someone or be loved in return, I opened up my heart to a stranger. All the barriers are gone. All the doubts and fears have been set aside.
What I had with my first love was infatuation – 2 years of high school infatuation. What I had with my second, third, and the rest of those I welcomed in my life – were infatuation. Everything I had with them was conjured out of thin air. I was in love with Mae because she was my first and she made me felt that I was in control of my life. I was in love with my second and third because they were present when I needed them the most – they filled the empty spaces. With you, everything sucks! You make me feel less loved. You make me feel like I’m the worst person in this planet by putting me in a shitty situation. You make me feel that I have no control over my life. You brought down my walls without even trying so hard. You aren’t doing anything special, yet I’m enchanted by your very existence. You make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time which is medically dangerous. You are the most impossible person to deal with. More importantly, you’re heart is chained to someone. You are everything that is opposite to infatuation……… because despite the little attention I get, the borrowed time, the endless what IF’s, the fear of losing you, the sin I’m about to commit, and the pain of knowing that what we have might end before it could even start…….. I still love you. Now I know what love means. Even if you let it go, it’s impossible to completely release your heart from it. Even if you hide the feelings in the setting sun, you can still feel it – right there inside you.
kianamaiart
tangentwithtanner
andulkaphoto
izzy806
dailybridgerton
