Jessi and Nick sat cross-legged on Jessi’s bed, side-eyeing each other as Connie, Jessi’s Hormone Monstress, paced in front of them like an overexcited camp counselor.
“Alright, my little hormonal disasters,” Connie purred, clapping her hands together. “Today, Auntie Connie is introducing you to the world of bondage!”
Nick’s face instantly went beet red. “Oh—uh—I don’t—what—”
Jessi crossed her arms, smirking. “Please tell me this doesn’t involve Coach Steve in any way.”
“Sweetheart, nothing I do ever involves Coach Steve,” Connie assured. “That man once tried to handcuff himself to a Subway sandwich for safety reasons.”
Nick swallowed hard, still stuck on the whole bondage thing. “Are we sure we’re ready for this?”
“Oh, relax, birch bark,” Connie grinned. “We’re keepin’ it PG-13—well, maybe PG-15, but it’s all in good fun!” She dramatically gestured toward a sleek, black leather chair that had definitely not been in Jessi’s room five minutes ago. “Now, feast your teenage eyes on my teaching tool!”
Jessi raised an eyebrow. “Where the hell did that come from?”
“Don’t worry about it!” Connie sang, plopping into the chair with a satisfied sigh. “Now, this bad boy has straps—good for keeping things in place, if ya know what I mean—”
“We do!” Nick and Jessi both shouted in unison.
“—but the fun part is all about trust,” Connie continued, casually buckling herself in. “See? Secure, but not too tight. Communication is key, blah blah blah.”
Jessi tilted her head, watching as Connie locked herself in completely. “Sooo, you’re stuck now?”
Connie frowned slightly, tugging at the restraints. “Technically, yes, but that’s kinda the—oh, you little turds are planning something, aren’t ya?”
Nick and Jessi exchanged an evil grin.
“Ohhh, this is gonna be delicious,” Jessi murmured.
Nick cracked his knuckles. “I believe in teamwork.”
Connie’s eyes widened. “Okay, now hold on—”
Without hesitation, Jessi lunged forward and skittered her fingers along Connie’s exposed sides. The Hormone Monstress immediately let out an undignified snort and kicked wildly, but the straps held her firm.
“Oh, you bastards!” Connie shrieked. “I swear to Beyoncé, if you don’t—AHAHAHA—NO!”
Nick, emboldened by her reaction, dove in next, targeting the underside of her fluffy arms. “Oh wow, she’s really ticklish,” he noted with awe.
“NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!” Connie howled, thrashing as much as she could.
Jessi grinned wickedly. “Would you say you’re… at our mercy?”
Nick gasped theatrically. “Oh my god, Jessi, she’s trying to talk tough! I don’t think she’s learned her lesson!”
Jessi leaned in, wiggling her fingers ominously. “Guess we’ll just have to keep going.”
“I’LL DO YOUR MATH HOMEWORK! I’LL—HAHAHAH—OH MY GOD, NOT THE FEET!”
Nick and Jessi were practically crying with laughter now, doubling down as Connie shrieked, snorted, and kicked uselessly against her restraints.
“Y’ALL ARE ACTUAL DEMONS!” she wailed between fits of giggles.
Eventually, after what felt like hours (but was probably only a few minutes),Jessi and Nick collapsed onto the floor, clutching their sides as they tried to catch their breath from laughing so hard. Across from them, Connie sat strapped to the leather chair, her wild mane of hair even frizzier than usual, her body still twitching from the relentless tickle attack.
“Ohhh… you little mother—” Connie panted, her voice hoarse. “You are so freaking dead.”
Nick wiped away a tear. “You’re still talking pretty tough for someone who just snorted like a farm animal.”
Jessi smirked, brushing some hair behind her ear. “Yeah, Connie, I dunno. You don’t seem very scary when you’re all strapped down and helpless.”
Connie narrowed her eyes at them, a dangerous glint flashing behind them. “Ohhh, you think this is funny?” she growled. “Just wait till I get outta these straps. I am gonna find the both of you in your sleep, and—”
Nick and Jessi exchanged a look.
Then, in perfect sync, they lunged at her again.
“OH, YOU LITTLE SHIIII—HAHAHAHAHAAAA NOOOOO!”
Connie immediately exploded into uncontrollable laughter, thrashing uselessly against the chair as Nick and Jessi launched another tickle assault.
Jessi dug into Connie’s ribs, grinning ear to ear. “What was that, Connie? Something about getting revenge?”
“I’LL—I’LL—I CAN’T BREATHE, YOU DEMONS!”
Nick, emboldened by the sheer power he now held, skittered his fingers up her underarms again. “I feel like she’s not learning her lesson, Jessi.”
“I WILL TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB, BIRCH BOY—AHAHAHAAAA!”
“Oh wow,” Jessi teased, tickling along Connie’s waist. “She’s still threatening us, huh? What do you think, Nick?”
Nick nodded sagely. “I think that means she wants more.”
“NOOOOOOOO!” Connie shrieked, throwing her head back in hysterics. “I TAKE IT BACK! I TAKE IT BAAAACK!”
Jessi smirked. “Oh? Are you saying… you submit?”
“YES! YES! I SUBMIT, YOU LITTLE PSYCHOPATHS!”
Nick and Jessi finally relented, collapsing once more into fits of giggles. Connie sagged in the chair, her breath coming in rapid, wheezing gasps, her face red and her tail twitching in pure, unfiltered betrayal.
“You two… are actual monsters,” she huffed, her voice hoarse. “I hope your future hormone monsters are just as evil as you are.”
Nick grinned. “Awww, that’s sweet. She’s thinking about our future.”
Jessi stretched her arms. “Welp, time to very slowly let her out.”
She strolled over to grab the scissors with absolutely zero urgency, while Connie groaned dramatically.
Just then, a puff of smoke appeared, and Maury materialized, hands on his hips. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I missed a bondage tickle attack?! THIS is why I need cameras in more places!”
Nick turned to Jessi. “Is it weird that this was the least traumatizing thing that’s happened to us today?”
Jessi sighed. “It really, really is.”
And with that, another wildly inappropriate but weirdly wholesome night came to a chaotic end.