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#penyesalan #utarier

Ever Hear Someone said: “Don’t Love, Your Heart Is Important”?

I found this sentence and then I thought about it. Have you ever heard someone said this sentence? No, not at all.

Instead of hearing that sentence, we usually hear “don’t drink your body is important” or “don’t smoke, your lung is important”.

The analogy will be a quiet far from those sentences. But what I would like to underline is, loving is not a guarantee to be happy in your whole life.

Why? Is loving someone makes you feel more important, loving drives your life to the fullest?

Yes. Of course the answer is yes.

But then, expectation come and you shouldn’t forget about this dude.

Expectations send you to the lack of accepting someone as he/she is. This dude sends you to disappoinment. Disappoinment sends you to doubt someone. And finally loving someone is not that easy and sometimes hurting.

No one said “don’t love, your heart is important” because there are many ways to erase the expectations, to avoid the disappoinment, and throw away your doubt. But how?

Trusting. Thinking using your logic. Accepting. You’re going to be more relent as you grow older, but what’s wrong by trying it earlier? Be more relent.

—an ironic post since I haven’t been like this.

utarier (2018)

Thanks to those bully who saved me.

Hey, this is going to be a lame story of my teenage life. But this is worth to be shared.

I used to be that infamous girl at school when I was in Junior High School -later said as JHS.

Bad hair, ugly, bookworm, bucktoothed, and my bad final results of Elementary school exams -this became the reason those bully bullied me bcs I was no longer in the smart line students at that time.

One year I was bullied in the 7th grade of JHS. The biggest reason was being bucktoothed. I had no friends at that time, not for became bff. Bcs they only befriended me for a school tasks. Lol.

I did really remember at that time I was so lame in Physics, math and also chemist. I mean it was my first year and a little bit shocked of the new school cultures. That I was adapting myself. But what I received is, bullying. Not only verbal, but also direct bullying.

I remember I got my chair glued, being called not by my name, and even back-talk but ironically it was in front of me lol.

One semester passed quickly, I received my first semester final exam results, and voila, I got big 9 rank. Okey, I should admit that I ranked 9th. Well, at least it’s better than those who bullied me hehe. Bcs she was right under my rank, she got 10th.

I remember the way they treat me like I was the lamest gurl in the world, the ugliest, and maybe the dumbest. But well, it was the reason I pushed myself to be better and better everyday. Because I want to prove them wrong.

My second year in JHS, was nice tho. Because I ended up entering a class that was contained of those who had high rank in the first year. Lucky me. I don’t need to meet them anymore.

My third year in JHS was even better, I got 9 for my national final exam average point. That send me to SHS 1 Batang easily.

The fact that I got bullied was not known by my parents until I graduated from SHS. I told them directly that I have experienced bullying. That I held myself back for a long time. And survived.

Well, maybe I should say thanks to those bully for bullying me at that time. That because of you guys, I could run this far, reaching the highest I could ever be, and still struggling for more. But you know, you guys only played small role, the biggest role of my success until now is my parents pray.

Your bullying triggered me to be better and better, and believe that achievements will say it all. See I proved you wrong. That the way you look at me will never determine what will I become.

I choose for my own life, and determine what I want to be. Not you and your bully.

So, to those who read this, I dare you to spread the positive thought, befriend everyone without discrimination, and respect each other.

#stopbullying #stopdiscriminating

If you’re not that sincere, at least don’t complain.

Well, this writing comes from my experience using Gojek after came back from Batang. By this writing, I would like to share how it’s important to be sincere even for yourself.

So, I just came back from Batang by train on Sunday afternoon. Arrived at Poncol station, I ordered gojek since I needed a ride to go to Tembalang.

First time I don’t know that in Poncol the tendension among conventional driver and gojek driver is high. So, I don’t really understand why the Gojek driver asked me to walk a little bit far from the exit. This is not the real problem.

The real problem is, the way the Gojek driver talk to me, using javanese which is not the proper ethic of being Gojek driver -for a big company like Gojek, it must have operating standard for each driver that they should obey.

But this driver talked to me in Javanese, with harsh accent and full of complaining tone in his voice. Ugh, if I could cancel the order I would have canceled it. But, I thought about how I could go to Tembalang if I canceled my order. The situation in Poncol was really crowded. Traffic jam everywhere because of it was the rush hour around 4 p.m. and also there was a traditional carnaval, Pawai Ogoh-ogoh. And you know what, IT’S RAINING!

I just felt like I should be patience and went to tembalang as soon as possible.

BUT, you know what the driver said after I found him? He said that because of traffic jam, he should take longer route that it will take his time more than the usual route. And also it will consume his fuel! Oh my god, I was so shock to hear him said that. He even told me to cancel my order, until one of his driver friends told him that it will disadvantage him, since he will get the penalty from the company.

In the end, he dicided to take my order and drive me to Tembalang.

I was really uncomfortable by the fact that the helmet was wet. And a little bit smelly. But well I just thought that it must be because of rain, so it’s okey.

All the way to Tembalang, the Gojek driver was grumbling. He grumbled at everything. About his fuel, about the traffic jam. Almost every single thing was complained by him.

I did really remember the way he talked about a big spending on his motorcycle fuel. That he seemed to complain that I should give him more tip, since it was raining and Tembalang is far from Poncol, also about the traffic jam.

Arrived at my destination in Tembalang, I asked him to finish the order that I would like to quickly pay him and go. Surprisingly, he asked me to see my Gojek application. That he was afraid I would give him no star, and bad feedback.

He was really impolite! I mean, how could a driver wants to control the way his costumer in giving feedback?

But, in the end, I gave him 5 stars and also add some additional tips. I felt like it’s my responsibility to give a driver additional tip.

What I really want to say is, if you’re complaining about your job, your responsibility and anything you do, how will life give you feedback?

We, as human being always have a choice. We always have a consideration about everything we’re going to do. You can choose to do or not to do. You can also choose to refuse or to accept.

If you’re not sincere enough of doing something, just please don’t do it. Especially something that involve someone else. Because your sincerity will affect people around you and also on the contrary.

Or if you’re not that sincere in doing something, please at least don’t complain. Your complain will affect people around you, it’s the same as you’re spreading the negativity.

Try to be sincere in doing something, try your best in every job you’ve taken. The universe will follow your sincerity. The people around you will be affected by the positivity you spread.

Just be grateful, and sincere. And stop complaining.

N.b. I know here in my writing I am complaining about the driver. But, this is the real story that could be used as lesson learned.

Tidak ada yang bisa rindu sebagaimana aku merindu purnama setiap malamnya.

Pun tidak ada yang bisa menghentikan kobaran api selagi angin masih ada.

Bukan tentang siapa, apa, mengapa, tapi tentang bagaimana.

Hati dan kepala memang berbeda.

Tapi mereka tidak bisa membeda dan berdusta.

Aku dan kau berbeda, pun kucoba tak akan pernah bisa sama.

Aku memilih rela.

Sedikit tak tega.

Tapi akan baik adanya.

Hanya tentang waktu dan tatap muka saja.

Hanya di satu tempat kita berbeda.

Selain itu kita masih bisa senada.

I am bursting into laughter when I saw myself wrongly choose to be part of this organization.

Kamu tahu, keputusan seperti apa yang paling salah? Sebuah keputusan yang kamu ambil saat kamu tersenyum, tertawa dan bahagia.

I don’t close any of my eyes, ears, and mouth against a phenomenon. I am just respecting other’s thought, by not commenting their perspective.

Kemudian ia dipersalahkan atas apa yang tak ia minta. Yang konyolnya ia justru mengaminkannya dengan anggukan kepala.

@utarier

Dearest my one and only love.

Tulisan ini adalah sebuah kerinduan mendalam kepada sosok lelaki tangguh yang sudah pulang.

Hey Dad, I miss you.

I am crying tonight. Because I miss you. I miss the time you were there in front of the door, sitting in your chair, waiting for me from Semarang.

I miss that kiss on my forehead everytime I am going somewhere. I miss your rough voice whenever you give me advice. I miss that slight hug you gave me after you pray. I miss your breathe everytime I saw you’re sleeping.

I haven’t made you proud enough. And I regret it. I haven’t told you how much I want you to always by my side. I haven’t given you enough happiness.

Dad, I miss you.

I miss every smile on your cheek. I miss our midnight movie. I miss you. I miss our midnight talk about presidential debate. About our different perspective on politics. I miss you.

I miss you because you were not romantic. I love that side of yours. I miss the way encourage me for every choice I have taken.

You never asked for something. You always let me be me. You always support me for every path I take.

Dad, I miss you.

I miss your duaa from your one third night praying. I miss you. I miss you.

I miss you everytime you tease momma when she was cooking. I miss you. I miss you my culinary partner. You always grant my picky eater sense. You always grant what I want.

Dad, I do really miss you.

I miss you that I wanted to kiss you, hug you, find my comfort in your armpit. I love you.

It’s nearly 8 months since the last time I kiss you, hug you, and say that I love you. In the airport, before heading to Phnom Penh.

Dad, I miss you.

-Semarang, 12/12/2017, 00:48-

You’re just right. Meanwhile here I am doubting every single choices of mine.

@utarier

Get ready

This is kinda weird when you feel like it’s fine but then you perceive it as not.

It’s kind of heavy feeling that should be erased while good things happen or just let it flow and let it be.

I don’t know whether it should be fine or not actually. But then I realize that I am just thinking too much.

I am afraid honestly. About everything.

And the way I am overcoming it is to be ready to go first.

I know it’s selfish. I know I am pathetic in different way. But it’s the way I survive. Only for me and myself, I have to be strong enough to let go of you.

I am not that sceptic when it comes to trust, freedom, and else. I set everything to be tightless. I just want you to be comfortable.

Last but never least, I wish everything is alright until uncertain time. So that I don’t have to leave first, or being left first.

#midnight #thoughts

Finally I understand what it feels when you’re wondering.

@utarier

Some of them rebel well while others adjust perfectly.

Hey Pak, your daughter is in her confusion. If only you’re still here, your wisedom must be calming me.

For those who might have been in their 20s or going to be in their 20s.

I know it is very hard to fall in love in this age. I mean, practically, it's hard because you are no longer a teenager who can easily like someone without thinking about the plus and minus points of his/her, like someone without even think about will your future plans be matched each other, or even as simple as "Can we even get along for a long time periode without any doubts?"

Well, I bet all of us in our twenties are facing the same problem.

Fall in love in this age is about looking for someone who will truly love us just the way we are. It's all about looking for someone who will try as hard as you've been doing so far. And it's simply about looking for someone who is ready to share his/her future plans with you.

It's not the time to have a relationship without any goals, without any visions, it's not the time to play, and it's not the time to choose someone to be your partner based on their look only. It's time to choose wisely, for once in a life time this might be your biggest decision. Sometimes, I found it odd, when there are people who easily confess their love like there's no burden at all knowing that they have to deal with him/her, they have to tie their commitment to be together. But then you have to end your relationship because of one and another things, and easily say goodbye.

Isn't it hurt if you choose to be their partner but then you break up your relationship? Isn't it hurt your feeling seeing someone who used to be your lover holding other's hand?

It's not about only him/her who we are going to deal with, but all the people around them, and even the whole things in his/her life. Their family, their friends, their problems, and even their comfort zone. Have you been ready enough to meet his/her family ? Have you been brave enough to come into his/her comfort zone? Have you been ready enough to deal with him/her in bad and good sides of them? -because some of them only shows their good image while dating.

It's never easy to deal with someone who will be your whole life time partner. Your significant other. And yeah, those who haven't found their partner doesn't mean that they're not ready yet, but they're still trying to fix their heart, preparing everything for both of you, and upgrading themselves to be better and better, so that when the time is coming, they'll be perfectly ready to deal with every single thing in his/her life.

For me, personally, dealing with people can not be that easy. It takes time. It takes much effort. Because, diving into your mind and soul will never be as easy as praising your appearance.

Credit: @utarier

Hi, there!

(I am writing this in the middle of boredom.)

To those whose feeling is uncertain.

I am feeling the same with you. In one side, I think I need someone to embrace me whenever I think I am done with many things. But then, my selfish side said that, “you’re going to be fine like you usually do.”

Once, I think that I need someone to rely on. But then, the more I think, the more I realize that the one I should rely on is me. Myself.

I always think that having someone to talk about life may be a good idea. Until I started to think that it means you’ll have to give half of your life to your partner.

Furthermore, I just realize that, the longer you deal your life all alone, you’re going to be more independent and need noone.

It feels like, “look, I am fine with just me. I like me. And nothing is going to ruin what I have, because it’s just me.”

To those who is trying to convince.

Look, above is how I am. It’s my natural. If you’re trying to deal with me and life, prove that you’re tough enough for those things.

I am warning you.

Once you come in, you’ll never be able to stay longer if you’re weak.

Never try to change me to be what you want. Human will never get it easy to leave their naturals.

Just be tough, or I will be very please to open my door for you.

I am going to be fine if it’s only “me”, without the pronouns “you” or “we”.

10/10/2017

@utarier

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