Uttar-Karnataka Original

Hi ivar moms (namaskaar nimmoura). Keep reading, laughing, cursing moms and oogling paan here and there pachak pichak.

[uttar-karnataka-blog]

FAQ for mass communication jobs in Delhi and most suitable answers

Enacted is a scene for you to help get through interviews of the gangs of Delhi media.

Interviewer : What's your name?

Freshman : Let's just say my name sounds more authentic if  'O' is pronounced where there is 'A'.

Interviewer : What's your favourite colour?

Freshman : RED or may be green or any other colour but not Saffron...oh, forgive me... I meant to say not Orange.

Interviewer : Hmm, careful. When I use the following phrases, who comes to your mind - 'embarrassment for', 'setback for', 'investigation'...?

Freshman : Narendra Modi.

Interviewer : Your views on Sonia Gandhi.

Freshman : None can talk about her as she is entitled to her privacy.

Interviewer : Good answer. Let's say if you see a hall full of chairs, on which side will you take a seat?

Freshman : Left.

Interviewer : Impressive. Name a few common Indian men...the aam admies, the people on the receiving end of this Indian society.

Freshman : Ramchandra Guha, Suhel Seth, Rahul Bose etc.

Interviewer : Acceptable. Next question...who built Delhi?

Freshman : Edward Lutyens and Mughal dynasties before that.

Interviewer : Then what Indraprastha and Mahabharata?

Freshman : Haha.

Interviewer : Thoughts on the Army.

Freshman : I am of the opinion Indian Army is an oxymoron. Indians have been historically peace loving. Having an army itself is hypocrisy.

Interviewer : What do you think of independent women?

Freshman : Before you ask any further, let me clarify I hold the middle class responsible for ruining this country. They are the drags. 

Interviewer : You seem promising. You are hired!

Freshman : Thank you ma'am. 

Interviewer : Oh please, you can call me Comrade now.

[uttar-karnataka-blog]

Us and Lemons

"When life gives you lemons, wait for 5 more years and start a Rath Yatra" - L.K. Advani

"When life gives you lemons, divide it into 4 parts" - Mayawati

"When life gives you lemons, the ball was coming on to the bat and I played my natural game" - Sehwag

"When life gives you lemons, retire, write an autobigraphy and claim in it that you had seen Sachin Tendulkar trembling and crying" - Every half successful cricketer who was lucky enough to play Sachin

"When life gives you lemons, get awesome credit rating for the lemons and make people invest on them" - Goldman Sachs

"When life gives you lemons, blame the Jewish traitors. Schuld des jüdischen Verräter" - Adolf Hitler

"When life gives you lemons, show your other hand for more lemons" - Gandhi

"When life gives you lemons, write a letter to life keeping in mind that future historians will be reading it and preaching it to commoners" - Jawaharlal Nehru

"When life gives you lemons, send fighter jets and bomb" - Israel

" " -Manmohan Singh

"Give lemons to life" - Rajnikant

"When life gives you lemons, tweet it" - your instinct

"When life gives you lemons, Facebook it" - your worse instinct

"When life gives you lemons, stab it, shoot it and make them lay in a pool of lemon blood" - Quentin Tarantino

"When life gives you lemons, adopt a non-caucasian child" - Angelina Jolie

"When life gives you lemons, go to Durgad Bail. May be there are selling it cheaper there" -My father

"When life giveth thee citrous berries, unburthen thy mind of fear and quaff ye' pottle of libation" - Shakespeare

"When life gives you lemons, SNORT them" - Keith Richards and Charlie Sheen 

[uttar-karnataka-blog]

What's my name again?

Let's play around with my name a bit --

Saunskruta >> Dhirendrasharmanaha

Dharwada-Hubballi (birth sattificate) >> Dhirendrachar Pandhrinathachar Patil

Bengloor >> H.P Dhirendra Rao (Hubballi Pandrinath Dhirendra)

Telugu >> Dhiru Vamsikrishna Patigundla

Tamil >> Thirenthram Patilchamy

Parsi >> Dharro Avlakkiwalla

Maharashtrian >> Dheeribhau/Dheerisaheb Patilkar (on only Patil)

Narayanmurthy on TV interview >> Dheer

Toll Free >> 1-800-AVLAKKI-TEA

Contraceptive >> Dhirex

British Royal >> HRH Dhiru and Sushila Patilton (Duke and Duchess of Sadhankeri)

British Commoner >> Sir Dhiru Patilton (CBE)

Irish >> Darren McPatil

French >> Dhireux LaPatielle

German >> Dhirring Patilmann

Jewish >> David Patochnik

Roman Philosopher >> Dhiratius

Scandinavian >> Djheiriy Patilsson

Ivory Coast >> Dheiru

US Senator >> J. Dhirville Patils III

Native American >> Kudichahaha

Latin Americas >> Dhiruiz Patilez

Russia >> Dhyori Patilov (my wife Sushianne Patilova)

Black >> LaDheer Horatio King Jr.

Hip-Hop >> Pat-D/ Pats Dhi-Dhi

[uttar-karnataka-blog]

Sandgi, Happla and Nachos

Aalright. Now I see you returned from aansite last week. You hadn't gaan that laang. Khare now, you are making me take sutigi to ivar head. Let me tell you why. I hyav been waiting to tell you this from last week itself.

Firstly, you came on Tuesday (Monday unaccounted..gone) and that too at 11.00am. Without anyone asking you said "jetalag and fatigue". I noticed the stress you made on 'jetlag'. Ee "jetlag and fatigue" when you went there, yelle hogitt? I think your Phacebook profile location gaat updated even before you landed.."Los Angeles, California". Yes I saw that. Yaarig hucch maadlikati pa tammya?

Within hours of landing there... photos flooding on my wall...with parking lots photos in front of Target Walmart. Aal brown brown Indians in fotos. Where are aal these American whites...the foreigners you thought of? And appya...look at the cars behind you, they are Hyundai Accent and Elantra aal old and used. India-daag yaru togolangilla avnn iga. "Missing India" status posts. Yaar hog andru ninga ashtiddra? Yaar? Exactly this is caaled "THHIND".

I am talking to you on chat and whaat is this bhasha? "Gimme..temme..yup..nope..wanna..gonna(gonni?)..kinda(kishkinda kanda?)" And what is "Oops..my bad?" Ivar bad breath? Yes we know that...dont keep embarrassing ivarself saying it again and again. "Have a good one" -- have a good whato ninnouna? Even while speaking..whaat aal this "Oh shoot! Oh ship! Oh shucks!" -- bai bittu bogalu..OH SHIT anta. Nobody father's gant goes. After aal ivar head is filled with it. You think these new freshers should shit their pants in admiration hearing your colloquial wisdom? One fresher asked me if you were born and raised in Beverly Hills. We both then laughed with our kundies respectively. Baass..keep aal this showbazi, gandmasti up your derriere. Beat ME in English I say...I chhaallenge you.

Complaining about airline food? "Etihad is comparatively better than British Airways..had horrible food though" En pa jokumara? Aavalakki khobbri vadi vaibaarda kaicheeldag kattgond?

"Miles..pounds..100 degrees..weather sucking thing?" Till 1 month back aal you heard was pav-kilo, ardha-kilo. And weather? You changed the channel whenever weather report came aan. 100 degrees F is used here only by your mummy to tell how much jwara you are suffering from.

Whaat is this privatization? Is that some kind of Brahmastra to aal Indian problems? Vapas bandaginda I think I have heard this word fraam ivar mouth like 3 times a day. Privatize railways, privatize postal, electricty..."You see the problem with India is they need to privatize certain things man"..nimm pappaarige hogi annu privatization bagge especially avru sarkari naukri madtiddra. See how he will make kett kett maari and debunk your new found Brahmastra strategy.

Going aan and aan about no development in Bengloor and by no development I know you mean there is no Taco Bell nearby ivar PG. Aal big big words..infrastructure..awareness. I have nothing to say regarding this.

Recycling...enviranmental awareness..go green telling everyone Prius is the awesome car and it's "so sad" it's not available in India. Direction aware...your onsite lead was telling me the other day. How you were planning aal Interstate 110 northu..southu GPS full. Do you know in which direction you point and do ucchi everyday in office? Bhari bid pa. Also your expense sheet in excel per pizza slice accounted to in cents methodically. Nann kade ille udri madidd martya magana? "Gimme" my 200 rupees back don't avoid me. Baddi samet it becomes 220 rupees now.

Open ivar cool eyes, cool man. USA might be a good country but it does naat look good aan you. What you do aal this..this pretence might have fooled us peoples in 1992 perhaps. Definitely naat now. Don't cry for attention. I am naat giving any. Nobody is. The definition aaf 'cool' changes with time.

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The author has not once set foot outside of India fearing the committing of sin of crossing the ocean -- 'Sagarollanghana'. He has relied on inputs from his friends working in the IT.

[uttar-karnataka-blog]

I myself Patil Maaster Maga

Hi busshirt people,

Some aaf you might know me fraam my twitter page http://twitter.com/#!/Uttar_Karnataka. Faar the benefit aaf others, let me write few lines about me again here.

The thing is, myself DP Patil > Dhirendrachar Pandhrinathachar Patil. I hail (dont laaf nimmoura, it's a word) fraam Hubli-Dharwad area a.k.a KA-25 (aphter the RTO convention). I walk the path of piety and on the way, I enjaay being keen observer of things. Only sometimes, I don't eat ullagaddi. My work invaalves traveling between KA-25, Bengloor, Belgav, Pune and sometimes Los Angeles.

My father Pandhrinathachaar is highy respected retired high school maaster who taat English. That explains my impeccable paalished English. When he is tired, he looks like Keith Richards. So that is why I keep singing this saang sometimes.

I am married to dear wife ardhangi (half shirt). Her name is Sushila. It waasay love marriage (we fell in love after our parents phorced us to). Anyway I love her very much and hope to see her in chudi daar someday. It is naat bikini after all. She insists on wearing ombatt vaari(9 yard) saree and occasionally wears aar vaari(6 yard) when she waants to look maadren. Her father, I hate him myan. But since he is my maava I pretend to laaf at his racisht casteist jokes. He is apparently sushila's hero (waat bull shit).

Rihanna (phull name Rihannabi) is our booboo. She tikks musri, vars our kallu, vagi our arabi. Very bitti byasra in her kelsa. Very incompetent and a major caaz of worry for sushila. Some men in our oni look at her hanga-hinga (jerk sule makkl I tell you).

Enough said about my world. Other things I like to keep away from the "public glare" (houd bid pa dhodd).

I shall posht here whenver I pheel twitter is too small and congested (like my manager's brain). You busshirts ask me any qwaschans you want I shall answer. Pheel phree to appreciate and laaf and involve in good discussion. Pipals with no sense of humour pheel phree to shut the phuck up!

-DPP