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Making memories out of stress. https://www.instagram.com/p/ByPR4HXBAriGf14PXNq2jMQQYRG7tUX0HoimFg0/?igshid=1rysanj23gqb3

You are my sunshine😘😍 https://www.instagram.com/p/ByPPUPvBLXn1XKtPHs3Mlifgm5VEdOXQwnd_wk0/?igshid=t4tsjijefnq6

Thank you for being kind from the start😘 https://www.instagram.com/p/ByPKeehh4nBxAaAzG5vZ44Hm4F7gG2HIyWZyUA0/?igshid=1eurtsodntkyj

As I lurch from one day and week to the next, extreme thoughts appear. And doubts. Doubts appear. They appear because I have gotten it wrong so many times in the past that I just don’t trust myself to make decisions any more.

What is the difference between taking a chance and being foolish? When does the former become the latter? Should I listen to my heart? My gut? My head? What is each one telling me? How do I know which one is the right one to listen to?

I fear consequences.

On the one hand, I just want to adopt a ‘not giving a fuck’ attitude. If I pretended for a minute that there would be no negative consequences of taking the chance, then I’d take it. Or even if there were negative consequences, that they would not be insurmountable. There would always be a way back. Then I’d take the risk then too.

What will happen if I do this and fail?

What will happen if I do this and succeed?

What will happen if I don’t do this and continue to fail?

What will happen if I don’t do this and succeed?

But when I keep getting things wrong over and over again, how do I trust myself to make the right decision. I don’t want to make a stupid judgement and take a gamble. But I also want to know. I want to know what taking the gamble will be like. Could I live with it if it’s a disaster? Could I? Would I be ashamed? Embarrassed? Or would I just be relieved that now I just know and I can move on.

I just don’t trust myself.

I was sure that the most recent big decision I made was going to be the right one. It felt right. It felt natural. And yet, here I am. Two months down the line and it is already proving to be a mistake.

I am my decisions. I am the chances I take and the consequences of my actions. I feel like I need someone to tell me what to do. To show me the way. Tell me what I have been doing wrong. Enlighten me. Give me some kind of penny-dropping light bulb moment. But I don’t have anybody who can do that.

I can’t keep ending up in the same state after every time I take a punt on something.

I guess I need to look at it this way. With the aforementioned recent decision that has backfired, I need to ask myself the question: Am I still glad I took the chance?

If I am really honest with myself then the answer is yes. And the reason for that is because even though I am arguably in a worse position now than I was before I took that risk, at least I can now close the door on that particular avenue of thought. It was something that I first started thinking about 10 years ago and now I finally have an answer for it. It was not what I had hoped for and not what I thought it would be like.

Interestingly, the decision that stands before me now also first appeared roughly 10 years ago. Perhaps that’s the lesson here. If something sits in the back of your mind for such a long time and it doesn’t materialise then there’s a reason for that – it’s not for you.

On the flip side, isn’t it a bit defeatist and not necessarily logical or wise to be put off just because one 10-year question did not turn out to be the answer I was looking for?

These are the questions and conundrums and dilemmas that I battle with constantly in my head. All the time. And let me tell you something. It is exhausting. And it ends in paralysis. Paralysed by fear and indecision, I do nothing. And when I do finally manage to make a decision about something, I am not rewarded.

So what is the lesson here? Is accepted stagnation worse than trying and failing? Is it?

Take the chance and if I’m left disappointed, face the consequences and console myself with ‘at least now I know’ platitudes?

Or be sensible, grit my teeth, try to scrounge myself out of the current mire and hope I can improve things?

“I am going to make a very beautiful life for myself no matter what it takes.”

Someone once told me to always live for little things in life.Live for 5am sunrise and 5pm sunsets where you’ll see colours in the sky that don’t usually belong.

Live for road trips and bike rides with music in your ears and the wind in your hair.

Live for days when you’re surrounded by your favorite people who make you realise that the world is not a cold, harsh place.

Live for liitle things because they will make you realise that this is what life is about, this is what it means to be alive.

Can I tell you a secret? You don’t have to be in a relationship.

I mean it. i know they force it down your throat until you choke on it. Girls aren’t pretty unless they’re wanted. Boys aren’t men unless they’re having sex with someone. People aren’t lovable until they’re dating someone.

But a relationship won’t always make you happy, and as wonderful as romance is, it isn’t the only love that exist. i have seen friendships that are deeper and more pure that couples who swear it’s forever-and yet the friendship is the one people ignore.

I have heard so often “nobody loves me” out of the mouths pf people who are single. And it kills me because if you ask them: where are your parents, your teachers, your classmate, your pets- they say yes, okay, but it doesn’t count. Of course it counts, love doesn’t diminish because someone doesn’t want to have sex with you. In fact, doesn’t it sort of make that love more real that they want nothing- not even a date- out of you?

It is pretty to be in love. It’s magical I’m sure. but it’s also wonderful to stop for ice cream in your prom dress with six other girls. It;s also wonderful to go visit the world with nothing but a bunch of buddies who are really excited about learning.

The problem is: we’ve everything about “the one”. But maybe “the one” is just you, loving yourself, having fun, and being happy. maybe instead of looking for our other halves, we should be piecing ourselves together.

Maybe I wasn’t born unfinished. Maybe I am the one who makes myself better.

Just always be the better person. And make your intentions pure. What and who you are is what you’ll maintain. Pain is inevitable and it will always exist, but if you focus on understanding what you are feeling and why you are feeling it, you will overcome it.

“Sometimes the past is something you can’t let go of. And sometimes the past is something we’ll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present.”

ctto- greysanatomy

Nakakainggit lang makita sila nang nasa ganung kalagayan. Dati rati iniisip mo ikaw ang mas aangat pero anyare? Sila ngayon ang tinitingala mo at sana nandun ka din sa kung anong meron sila ngayon.

purplebuddhaquotes

“One small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day.”

—

Start over. Be brave enough to find the life you want and courageous enough to chase it.

Then start over and love yourself the way you always meant to be.

wnq-philosophy

“Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men.”

— John F. Kennedy | @wnq-philosophy

wnq-quoteoftheday

““Sometimes you meet someone, and it’s so clear that the two of you, on some level belong together. As lovers, or as friends, or as family, or as something entirely different. You just work, whether you understand one another or you’re in love or you’re partners in crime. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive. I don’t know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in something.”

— Auliq Ice | @wnq-quotes | @wnq-quoteoftheday | @wordsnquotes

bakit parang may pinagdadaanan sila? 😂😂

sweet little Sunday ❤💋

THE MASK I WEAR

Don't be fooled by me.

Don't be fooled by the face I wear

For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-

masks that I'm afraid to take off

and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me

but don't be fooled,

for God's sake, don't be fooled.

I give you the impression that I'm secure

That all is sunny and unruffled with me

within as well as without,

that confidence is my name

and coolness my game,

that the water's calm

and I'm in command,

and that I need no one.

But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,

My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.

Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.

Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.

But I hide this.

I don't want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my

weaknesses

and fear exposing them.

That's why I frantically create my masks

to hide behind.

They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades

to help me pretend,

To shield me from the glance that

knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,

my only salvation,

and I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,

and if it's followed by love.

It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself

from my own self-built prison walls

I dislike hiding, honestly

I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,

the superficial phony game.

I'd really like to be genuine and me.

But I need your help, your hand to hold

Even though my masks would tell you otherwise

That glance from you is the only thing that assures me

of what I can't assure myself,

that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this.

I don't dare.

I'm afraid to.

I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh

and your laugh would kill me.

I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,

that I'm just no good

and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game

With a facade of assurance without,

And a trembling child within.

So begins the parade of masks,

The glittering but empty parade of masks,

and my life becomes a front.

I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.

I tell you everything that's nothing

and nothing of what's everything,

of what's crying within me.

So when I'm going through my routine

do not be fooled by what I'm saying

Please listen carefully and try to hear

what I'm not saying

Hear what I'd like to say

but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,

long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.

The nearer you approach me

the blinder I may strike back.

Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;

I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.

you wonder who I am

you shouldn't

for I am everyman

and everywoman

who wears a mask.

Don't be fooled by me.

At least not by the face I wear.

-----author unknown

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