homicidal barbie men headcanons & more

Now at ko-fi : https://ko-fi.com/uwuowotfislife

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Ooga booga spy hot

Oh well i am back

As per casual

NSFW blog so plz be 18, I dont want kids reading my homoerotic handholdigs

dos: be polite, bullshitery accepting and anon frendly

donts: loli/shota, abuse, yandere, R@pe , Inc3st

backup: here

Ko-fi: here

Reddit: why i even made it? yeah its nuked

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Eyooo

I know it’s little rude to disappear after a very sub par post but oh well, life is indeed a mystery.

My personal life has changed a lot, for the better but with those happy changes my gaming/nerd time has disappeared.

To give you a perspective I moved out of my old housing situation at February and yesterday finnaly I sat down and gamed for a few hours…My PC was accessible to me all this time but I just couldn’t bring myself to game and enjoy life. I don’t want to get to too personal details but for the first time in my life I am in a safe house with a supportive partner that truly has my best interest at heart and that has done something to my brain chemistry that I can’t explain.

Gaming for me was more of a copying mechanism than anything, if life around you is unbearable, stinky silly characters from 2009 are a life saver.

Lots of my writing were thinly veiled personal fantasies. They were a cry for companionship and longing projected on New Zealander piss men.

I may delete some stuff that I find that I don’t longer like, but you are free to save them. It’d be unfair to delete something someone rather likes.

I genuinely don’t know if I’ll post again here but I will try to post here and there .

I am still on shaky terms with fanfiction.

On one side it brought me genuine comfort and joy through some exceptionally hard times in my life, which is something I cherish. But, on the other side, it fed my depression sort of. It fed and cured my loneliness. When I wrote majority of my works I was unemployed and drinking heavily. I remember there one creator, I am not sure if they are still in the fandom that was very sweet when I commented/asked them that they inspire me to be sober…I am sorry I relapsed the next day.

[uwuowotf2waslife]

mean demo smut pls....

I cannot imagine DemotheladDemoman being mean I’m sorry. A tease yes, maybe a bit too much but never mean. He isn’t mean by nature even in battle, how can he be then mean in such a delicate field?

For him being mean is a bit too much obscenities and maybe slight edging .

If you want someone meaner mayhaps you stroll around the med bay or the workshops… if you want a true heartless bitch go to the smoking room. Spy swears he isn’t a stalker but once he hears the knocking he is ready for some really good and nasty french sexual discipline in bdsm❤️

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Past tense? 👀

Always tiptoeing the thin line frend

(I am bouncing from job to job this time of my life so I have been a bit absent, I hope I’ll soon start again with the brainrot)

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Sorry for the disappearance

My brain is primordial soup for the ghoul from the fallout show

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Mercs at the seminar

Medic is lowkey hyped beyond belief , so much scientific knowledge and collegues to share titbits & surgery tips😍😍😍 (the annoying kind also who hogs all the free pens and notebooks )

Spy is at best semi interested at worst panicky, he doesn’t like too many people on one place together. (May also be such a sour kid because he has slept with most of his colleagues but shush shush )

Heavy is the extreme note taker , every word, spit and open mouth the speaker does is jotted down. Does even small sketches to make sure all knowledge is stored (if it’s in Russian or literature he might actually stand up and preach about the absolute (nightmare) joy Russian literature is.

Pyro is thrilled❤️ they take down notes on what they think is important and make all this cute sketches , if the buffet has sweets they might also hoard them

Demo, the annoying guy who sits at the front and it’s too tall so you have to always move your seat so you can actually see something behind his massive brolic body

Sniper stays in the back and makes very short but precise notes in bullet form (just like me lol)

Scout is there because he was forced to, he doodles the speaker having consensual sexual congress with the Eifel Tower

Soldier is the speaker! Duh (the real speaker is being held hostage by raccoons,send help plox)

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Ko-Fi commission rules for the whole family

I offer

Light smut (I’m not sure how ko-fi works with actual smut) :including =suggestive imagery, light sexual mentions and language

Personalised fics about you|oc|other character (above 18yo)

Meme stories about mercs reacting to Genz|skibidi toilet Generation

Character stories platonic or romantic (no Spy/scout)

Characters being dum dums

As far :

For 5dollarinos you get:

a 500-600 word commission with your favourite character (one merc/ oc)

Bulletin list about fun facts about your character

Dialogue interactions with said character

For 10dollarinos:

1000 word commission with your fave character (up to 2 mercs/ocs) for a variety of topics from platonic, family bonding to steamy romance

700-1000 word commission Date with [ insert merc here] where I write how a hypothetical date would go when you/your oc meet the Barbie man of your dreams (all characters above 18ofc)

Or any other commisions of 1000 words you would like

Bearing in mind I:

Don’t write

Shota/loli

Scat/piss/extreme Gore

No minors unless is family or platonic

[uwuowotf2waslife]

It’s been a while but oh well

Actually working on opening a kofi

(Real life is a bitch )

Well finnaly made a Ko-fi❤️

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Semd asks

Pwease

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Bingus

Also.. what is your best TF2 ship scenario

Bungus

Bingues

Bingus

My ideal is slow burn friends to lovers with jealucy and wholesome baking moments

[uwuowotf2waslife]

HEAVY TF2 TUMMY ‼️‼️‼️

Id argue more like a six pack wrapped up in beefy layers of fat for heat retention & Cushing baby mens punches

But I agree

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Gimme asks❤️❤️❤️

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Yo…I have written roughly 40,000 words… IN TWO YEARS IVE WRITTEN 130 pages or THE LION THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE (C.S. Lewis).

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Happy New Year simps

[uwuowotf2waslife]

and enjoy the fic , please im a slut for feedback <3

tw: alcohol cosumption, people being dicks , all platonic like bros do

Notes: English isn’t my first language; this one-shot is based on this tumblr post

Blood, guts & glory can splash on your eyes and hide the reality of living the mercenary lifestyle of Teufort.

Actually, it’s pretty damn monotonous. It’s like an office job, except you actually get to let your frustrations out in a much more healthy way than binge drinking at weekends. Sure it gets messy and quite life threatening, but Medic is always in the run to make sure your bones do in fact stay in their skeleton. It does have a fair share of paperwork, but nowadays what job doesn’t have paperwork...

This particular holiday season, by some grace of unknown ancient god, the Administrator decided that there should be an extended ceasefire, to boost morale and make sure people don’t start demand raises (they already are paid like millionaires, but Spy would like a raise for psychological damages).  Some gossips around the town claim that the Administrator got wooed by a certain Australian business & power man for a very romantic date of hunting and grilling Yetis on the barbie, but it also happened that the gossipers were found buried in shallow graves the next day, so we will never know.

Now before you ask, Christmas is the one of the guaranteed holidays the company actually provides, and quite frankly most of them barely get out of the base during the holidays.

Some exceptions are of course Heavy who will go by rafting to his mom and sisters even for 10 minutes, maybe Engie that in all fairness is pretty close to Bee Cave so he just  gets in his semi and hauls his ass a pretty chill 5 hour drive. Maybe Pyro who may or may not go to some Christmas Raves with their loops in cause rave girlies have some of the best plush game you’ll ever see. Demo prefers to get wasted and call his mom for their beloved sloshed phone call. Sniper makes sure he is very shaved, sober and pumped up before doing a zoom call with his Ma and Pa ( I refuse to accept they died, I can’t see him sad.) Soldier quite frankly is a fire hazard and he is banned from most bars and their Christmas party hour special event, he mostly chills at the Medbay with Medic who is all giggly on Gluhwein. Scout is a big boy and can handle being alone but mostly stays up all night doom scrolling pinterest ( secret Tom Jones stan account) and Spy beside being a major asshole, actually volunteers as Santa ( he can have a mean southern twang if he really wants to).

All was going great until Scout suggested they threw a New Years Eve party, after all they are all stuck in Snowycoast and somehow the power isn’t down yet.

 I mean, they usually just chill around just do a small group chant and go the fuck to sleep, but they never actually celebrated it. Pyro are already out by 9 pm, because dancing and vibing without enhancing substances is a workout worse than a triathlon preparation and in the first years Heavy suffered really bad jet lag.

 For the others New Years Eve stopped being a rager once they hit 30 and unrelenting alcohol consumption and bar crawling. All is peaches and cream, until you wake up in the middle of the dessert so unholy high on peyote without your undies or car keys, or so Sniper claims (his parents will never let it down, the sight of their adult professional unaliver son on stolen tidy whiteys is an image carved like fiery red metal on a fresh chuck of meat). 

But they can wing it; what’s more challenging? Bank heists or making mid Hawaiian punch? 8/9 mercs say the second.

A game plan was easy to be made, they are military men at heart (mainly soldier) and order is second nature to them (they did it to mainly shut up soldier). Heavy and Medic were responsible for the cooking, chicken tendies and mac’nd cheese is great but a hardy Russian stew or some extra spicy german wurst makes the game start rolling better. Spy decided he will be the decorator and Demo the florist…yes he is the barman, much creativity here. Scout and Pyro are just dicking around and pretty much everyone else pretty much acted like a goth tween being forced to go to their family gathering while wearing a bright pink Santa beanie. Except Soldier who is already ranting and raving victorious plans on how this specifically party will be worthy of the president while munching on chalk. Engie is the one tidying up the conference room and making sure the generators are ready for Showtime if the snow cuts them off from civilization.

After some bickering, especially because the wine & whiskey Demo has in his hand-made bar aren’t the cream of the crop, I know shocker, the food is fresh, ready and warm and the punch is fully loaded and ready to be ladled to thirsty sad men & nonbinary DDR destroyers.

By some stroke of luck Spy is feeling extra pezzazy and has sat his royal ass on the piano and softly plays totally classy, elegant music (he is playing wonderwall, he is the fuckboy after all). This night is really looking up. Being the macho manly men they are, Heavy and Soldier decided to play some poker, with beans of course as chips, because it’s silly to take friendly games as a competition.  The spirits got a bit heavy (pun needed here) soon though. Soldier might have the IQ of a feral cat, but he has one hell of a poker face, Heavy is a close second on that ,but he becomes livid fast after gulping down some liters worth of punch. Sooner or later you could hear loud swears in more European languages than expected, while Solly is grinning like a madman with a bed worth of cash in his side. Before even 10 pm our favorite soviet heavy weapons specialist was quintessentially skinned. He is so closed on betting his clothes and earthly possessions but Soldier will laugh at him until the day the sky turns into glue and plop down on unsuspecting souls.

Sniper joined for bit with them, but he is a sore loser when it comes to poker so he took his beans (his cash was gone faster than a deadbeat pressing the get out of state pedal while going out for some milk,) and left the room mumbling swearwords so foul, Engie started blushing. You could find him later, all saltier than a canned tuna in saltwater clutching his trusty RGB keyboard and mouse while blasting the most annoying Christmas songs known in humanities history. He got banned and kicked so many times he had to use a different account, but this is proper New Years Eve to him, finally being the public nuisance he creams to be. Scout at some point came in to pester him; after all there are extremely second hand quality movies on the TV and vomit inducing cheesy segments to watch sober.

Until he got a glimpse of a jar with a certain kid’s toy inside and the scooter-man decided he doesn’t need to fill his mind with whatever filth Sniper is doing. So he did set up camp in the rec room and softly bawled his eyes while clearly soul-empty news broadcaster showed off kitties setting up parties and babies doing barrel rolls.

At some point Pyro entered the room and coaxed scout off the normie entertainment industry for some good old DDR. Although Scout is and will always be a top tier gymnast and marathon runner, Pyro is the one who knows how to dance the Rasputin as hypnotic as the animations. All was going grand until 10.30pm when a very soft but audible ‘pop’ sound broke the instrumental music trance and Pyro saw painful white stars. Medic was called and he openly cackled while he zooped them up with the Medic Gun. With Pyro still sore, they just sat down, munched on some stew and second grade questionably made Gluhwein. Medic being the sentimental gilf of the base actually enjoyed the bland TV program , whilst Scout trying to nurse his crystal fragile ego he made guy noises when something particularly cringe happened.

 Solly was left to his own devices enough that he had a panic attack and as the one man army he is, he made a stable hideout in the corner of the rec room while muttering how Santa is a code word , Christmas is a ritualistic when souls and ghosts come to life and are out on the prowl , how he failed as a soldier and his dad was right for calling him his biggest mistake. Thankfully, Engie heard the commotion and successfully sweettalked his way into Sollys secret military bunker ( three chairs on each side and a desk on top with pillows for sound proofing, and  even more successfully comforted Solly enough to stop eating chalk and drink some water.

 Demo (you bet he was wasted, you are wrong) actually had some quiet time skyping his mom and actually enjoyed hearing about how his cousins had like a bunch of kids, or how the very little ones completed their fist life achievements ( speaking, walking, detonate enough stuff to be in the terrorist registry).  He even cried when mom sent his new nieces baby pictures, she looked so cute! All wrapped up like a garlic sauce kebob fresh out of the kebob mans magic hands.

Spy who we all thought he was still moonlighting as pianist, actually drank some and some more punch and got absolutely bogged. He started having zoomies , running all animalistic up and down the base until the gods of alcohol had enough. Soon he was found vomiting inside a potted plan and was promptly locked up and tied up tight on the rails in the disabled bathroom , Scout wanted to take pictures but he actually fell pretty bad for Spy and even brought him some water and took off his balaclava (with his eyes shut, boy scouts honor). He wanted to ask Engie where the baby monitor was, ( yes they bought a baby monitor for the bread monster baby), but the countdown started and hhe completely forgot about.

Everyone who was not completely cazooted , joined Pyro & Medic while they started the countdown. Heavy was sulking but happily lifted them all up when the clock hit midnight, even throwing the scout high enough to smack his head on the ceiling. At the end of all, no matter red or blue, support or defense, they all share the same joy of living the Gravel War life surrounded with men & man-things that make their life a rainbow’s worth of color and happiness.

Even Medic got moved by the comradery and actually went off to help Spy before he vomited a kidneys worth of humanities worst and best invention.

[uwuowotf2waslife]

Happy New Year simps

[uwuowotf2waslife]

With New Year’s Eve coming soon imma do my schtick.

The administrator feeling somewhat kind this jolly year (or also being invited to a very professional yeti punching date by Chadwick Chaddermegaman Saxton Hale.) offered the mercs a peace treaty for the last day of the year.

During the much needed battlefield office party :

1. Someone spiked the fruit punch so much they spent the new years countdown holding on the porcelain throne for dear life.

2. Two people decided to play poker, they started with beans as chips and now one has enough money for a new villa in Kavos and the other is considering to pull off a heist to make back their money.

3. DDR Marathon untill they popped their hip doing the Rasputin

4.responsible person Skyping their parents and sending emails to relatives.

5. Hiding inside a pillow fort because new years is here and THEY HAVENT MET ANY OF THEIR GOALS.

6. Adult person who watches the news segment and all the cheesy new years s programming.

7. Adult person with 3 brain cells making fun of the other adult and making eww and silly noises every time something particularly cringè or cheesě happens.

8. Absolute chad who plays cod while blasting Christmas music in his mic.

Who did what ? And what merc is the chaddest of them all?

The mercs will be revealed at 23:45 at 31/12

Your guesses in reblogs/comments/anonasks❤️

[uwuowotf2waslife]

BTW also working in a one shot thatll be posted here and on AO3

[uwuowotf2waslife]

With New Year’s Eve coming soon imma do my schtick.

The administrator feeling somewhat kind this jolly year (or also being invited to a very professional yeti punching date by Chadwick Chaddermegaman Saxton Hale.) offered the mercs a peace treaty for the last day of the year.

During the much needed battlefield office party :

1. Someone spiked the fruit punch so much they spent the new years countdown holding on the porcelain throne for dear life.

2. Two people decided to play poker, they started with beans as chips and now one has enough money for a new villa in Kavos and the other is considering to pull off a heist to make back their money.

3. DDR Marathon untill they popped their hip doing the Rasputin

4.responsible person Skyping their parents and sending emails to relatives.

5. Hiding inside a pillow fort because new years is here and THEY HAVENT MET ANY OF THEIR GOALS.

6. Adult person who watches the news segment and all the cheesy new years s programming.

7. Adult person with 3 brain cells making fun of the other adult and making eww and silly noises every time something particularly cringè or cheesě happens.

8. Absolute chad who plays cod while blasting Christmas music in his mic.

Who did what ? And what merc is the chaddest of them all?

The mercs will be revealed at 23:45 at 31/12

Your guesses in reblogs/comments/anonasks❤️