I have all this anger built up inside me now that youāre no longer in my life. Now that I can finally see clearly again. I hate what you have both done to me. I was so aware of how much I was being hurt when I was around you and of the lasting effect it was sure to have on my life. The one thing I could never understand, even whilst with you, was why. Hindsight is a bitch of course, and there are so many things that Iām only now seeing for what they truly were, but thatās not to say that I was not completely aware of the emotional and psychological abuse I was enduring, whilst I was enduring it. So why did I stay? This is the question that keeps me up at night.Ā
Some people may suggest that I somehow believed I deserved it and therefore did not take myself out of a situation that was so evidently detrimental to my health. I can not say I believe this to be true in my case. Iād heard stories about you before meeting you, and my gut told me that something was dangerously wrong. Upon meeting you, I knew to trust that feeling. And I did. I always knew that something was wrong. I knew I needed to get out. I knew, as an absolute fact, that I deserved so much better. My previous relationship, and subsequent breakdown, had taught me that. I had spent countless hours on myself, on my hopes, my dreams, my flaws. I had been badly hurt by past lovers, by family, by friends, by anyone I dared to trust and I was determined to protect myself from anyone who could ever treat me like that again. I knew what I was worth, and I swore to myself that I would accept only the best for me.
The steps I made to achieve this level of self-preservation, self-respect and emotional stability were honestly impressive. Having exhausted each shred of hope Iād managed to scrape together, I finally conceded to blowing the dust offĀ āPlan Zā. My last resort. I came home. And though my stubborn heart called me a coward and perpetually tried to convince me I was simply running away from my problems, this time I was adamant that my head have the final say.Ā The crippling internal turmoil this decision caused me was not at all unexpected, but the sheer intensity of relief I felt upon returning to a place I had fled years beforehand out of the confusion and ignorance of youth, was far greater than I could have ever anticipated. I was home, in a land of grey skies and consistent rain, I was finally warm again. Somehow, through some phenomenal glitch in my timeline Iām sure, I had not lost myself in the process.
This was my fresh start. My renaissance. I had spent my four years away learning everything about myself, learning what it meant to love, and be loved, learning who I really was and what that was worth to the world, to the world of those around me, those in my path. I learnt that people are cruel and people are wonderful and that I am merely an extra in the lives of those who had made me miserable. I learnt to trust myself before anyone else, to look after myself before anyone else. I learnt to love myself. In the midst of the madness and excitement of returning home,I had barely noticed you slip through with me. At this point I hardly knew you at all, and although you had always struck me as dangerous, you didnāt know me, I didnāt know you, and so you were completely harmless, and Iāve always been a sucker for a good paradox. When fleeing a hurricane, a single leaf breaking through is hardly cause for concern.Ā
I was determined to look out for myself first, so when an offer of harmless fun arose from you, I concluded that it would be good for me. I was invited into your world, and as perception is always distorted from the outside looking in, I accepted. Little did I know this would be the most harmful thing Iāve ever done to myself. One look from you was more devastating than any storm I could have imagined. It became apparent almost immediately that I was nothing more than a pawn to you. That much was known as fact in my head and heart right from the start. There is a big difference however, between knowing something and being able to do something about it. I was frozen in place, I was stuck, my mind was screaming for me to get out but I couldnāt move. Within days you told meĀ you loved me. It terrified me because I was certain I loved you too. Days later you changed your mind. A week later you changed it again. These decisions always came in light of distance. The more I tried to leave; the more you loved me. The more I obeyed you; the more you hated me.
I have struggled with mental illness my entire teenage and adult life. I keep it hidden as much as possible from those around me. I have worked tirelessly trying to improve myself and avoid my problems becoming anyone elseās problems. I have acknowledged my issues repeatedly and I have always tried not to let them interfere with how I interact with people. You had similar issues. You, however, wear these issues like a badge of honour. Your golden ticket. You have somehow concluded that they donāt need working on, because if they were to improve, they couldnāt be used as a defence. You wouldnāt have an excuse to treat people the way you do. The year that followed my acceptance of your invitation was the worst of my life. I have been emotionally, psychologically and verbally abused by you so much that I fear Iām now beyond repair. You manipulative skills are so far beyond what I thought anyone could be capable of. You have threatened self harm unless I gave you what you wanted. You have accused me of making you suicidal because I would not give you my life savings. I could never have imagined the hell you put me through, and all of it, just because you could.Ā
Every single day with you was an over-elaborate trap. You were consistently setting me up to fail and I could not stop falling for it. I was not blind to these things however, I knew almost immediately that you were poison. I knew you were using me. I knew you were manipulating me and so although I loved you, I hated you with a passion I didnāt know I was capable of. And still I did not leave, and I canāt tell you how disgusted I am with myself for that. Eventually I got out, but it was far too late. All of the damage had been done.
So now youāre gone. Now I can regain control of my mind again, and Iām left with this burning rage against you and I can do nothing. I would rather not live than live with you in my life again but I donāt know what to do with this anger. I long for some kind of explanation, both from you and from myself. There are days when I can feel you like a shadow over everything I do. Iām in a different country but everyday Iām terrified of opening doors in case youāre on the other side. I have nightmares about you killing me. Iāll be serving someone in work and suddenly have visions of you beating me. Iām struggling to believe anything anyone says to me. Iām terrified of being vulnerable to anyone. Iām terrified of being myself. I just want to know why I didnāt leave sooner.Ā I just want to know why you did this to me.
jbbartram-illu
gummygunk
romaincrisis
stormborns
titsay
