this is a new blog. if you see this, you probably already have a preconceived notion of what you think im called. what i will NOT allow however, is a misconstruction of who i am by certain unsavory parties.
In acknowledgement of this, some ground rules:
she/they pronouns. any attempt to misgender me can and will be used against you, both in ridicule, and as evidence of the quality of your character
i am an adult. kiddies get the fuck out. if i see a child toddle onto my blog im blocking you for your own safety.
this is a vent blog now. tags are below a cut.
anon hate will be assumed to be from either my rapist, or the tier 3 subs she calls "friends", with an honorable mention for extremist political wankers.
spout as much bile about my rapist as you want, but i will defend her current "boyfriend" (read: victim) to the ends of the earth. he is as much of a victim at her hand as i am.
this is a blog made up of stream-of-consciousness ranting, raving and fury. it will appear as such. if you don't like this random, out-of-the-way blog spewing burning bile about awful people, i don't give a shit. Leave.
i will be as angry and malicious in my responses and posts as i want. if my rapist and her tier 3 subs want to make me out to be some kind of monster, by all means, i will be a fucking monster.
if you want to clutch pearls about this blog existing, know that i want to do so much fucking worse to her, and i think displaying my hatred and rage for my abuser and her shithead pals on a backwater blog with no followers is actually a better, more moral coping mechanism than directly sending them all hate.
i should've reacted to the naturalist using the pianist to rape me the same way she's reacting to me throwing a pair of keys when i felt trapped and cornered and suicide baited.
the pianist facing instant karma for how she acted toward me still wanting the raver by virtue of her now being treated that way by the naturalist bc she still wants me in her life is. weird.
i don't like that this is how she's coming to understand what ive been going through. i don't like how she's being forced to understand by experiencing the same pain.
dreamt about her. she was smiling as bright as ever. surrounded by people. i was across the room. i couldn't bear it. no matter how many times i tried to fall back asleep i kept having the same dream.
i have a bad feeling about whatever it is the raver wants to say to me. kept being drawn away from the planning for hours on end after a 24 hour radio silence. i dont remember the last time she did smth like that.
she's also delaying her talk til thursday.
of course. there's possible reasons other than bad ones. she could just be taking space, opting not to cancel plans on Tuesday and Wednesday for either of our sakes, and also just taking space like she's said she needed.
so i suppose this could very well be a test of whether i can self-regulate, or whether im trying to put in the work as i so desperately wish to.
regardless of whether i expect calamity or a normal discussion i need to figure this out regardless.
if you're so afraid of destroying a relationship with your own two hands that you instead abandon it to decay, how are you not still destroying that relationship? why does our connection have to be a fucking sacrifice for your own greater good???
i wish i could help the pianist understand a little more why letting go of the raver is such a difficult prospect for me.
analysis below.
imagine being me.
one of my first memories of my own was that of watching my own mother drive off to leave me with my abusive grandmother while begging and sobbing for her not to go
finally after untold physical and sexual abuse, get dropped off with her only to be abandoned again immediately after and put in foster care.
get picked up by family who weren't prepared in the slightest for a queer, plural, extremely traumatized child, endure massive amounts of emotional abuse
every friend you try to make finds you strange and offputting, either abandoning you entirely bc you're social suicide to be around, or betrays you constantly whenever it gets them clout. and that's not to even mention the long line of relationships and loves to come.
the blueprint. i admittedly have based a lot of my current presentation on her from when i knew her. was forced to break up with her, only for her to split and start claiming i was stalking her for wandering the church grounds
the fleeting. a girl with no commitment, flitting between partners like nothing mattered.
the heiress. a girl i broke up with to work on myself to avoid hurting her with unresolved jealousy issues, only for her to ghost me for 4 years.
the doomed. manipulated by her abusive ex to leave me for him the very minute he found out she was with me.
the hymnal. the first to feed me the line of "im not ready for a relationship". she ended up with someone maybe a month or two later.
the bookish. the second to feed me that line. only delayed the inevitable by letting her take what i thought to be my virginity by a month before she left me for another.
the catalyst. unimportant to my point, as an emotionally abusive manipulator i had to deal with.
the silent. while we ended on good terms, it was ended bc i never felt understood and felt like i couldn't talk about things she did that bothered me without it turning into an argument
the rescue. kept leaving for his abusive ex, bc he wanted him, and anyone else, more than he ever wanted me.
the frost. never dated, but kept me yearning with "maybes", telling me she just wasnt ready for a relationship like all the others... she was dating someone the entire time and just let me pine like a fool.
the moon. my mistakes became the cornerstone for everything to follow, long after i grew and changed. any time i tried to communicate about something that bothered me, it became about something i did wrong. when they came to me, it was never productive, and i was supposed to endure cruel jabs and snipes and asides. i walked on eggshells and made myself small, hiding entire facets of myself to keep them from leaving. and that was the thing: i only felt secure bc they were aroace. they ONLY loved me. i didn't have to fear them finding someone better because they never wanted anyone. i wasnt healing, i just wasnt having my abandonment traumas triggered.
the doe. yet another to tell me she wasn't ready for a relationship before throwing herself at everyone but me.
the wolf. never dated, but like the others, fed me the same line everyone else does. we're still good friends, but it's relevant.
so now. imagine all this. my whole life. 18 of them, where it comes to romance. and finally, i meet someone when i wasnt expecting to.
she sticks by me. is so, so gentle. takes my extensive sexual and physical trauma into account when physically interacting with me. consistently tries to understand, instead of bludgeoning and jabbing when i make mistakes. speaks to me gently, calmly. in such a way that even when im upset, i can't even stay angry. hell, even her presence near me ends up calming me. i felt safe. heard. seen. she listened when i tried to discuss difficult topics. sought to understand and never assumed the worst when i was the subject of them.
ive never received that level of good will and gentleness with that level of consistency in my entire life. as one can read for themselves above.
and even if it was all only her showing favor toward me, what am i supposed to do with the knowledge that i can LITERALLY be someone's fucking favorite, and it still not matter in the end?
because once again, after being shown such consistent treatment, someone "wasnt ready for a relationship".
at least if id been dealt with how the pianist had, it would've just been more of the same. and i wouldn't have to know that it's even fucking possible to be treated so gently by someone who claims to love me for once.
i don't think there's hope outside of the pianist of me being loved forever, and even then i hold a lot of fear that we'll fall apart too.
