uneverything

CW/TW. maybe.

[vacuousl0v3]

They say the grateful are the happiest

Count your blessings, write a list

But what if being happy is the catalyst

The thing that attracts the bad shit?

This dizzy feeling in my stomach just won't go away

Tryin to make sense of all these areas that look gray

Kinda hard to keep the peace when he keeps saying I'm to blame

Grasping for solutions to make everything okay

You say nothing cuz you're scared to say the wrong thing

Can't decide if you're a figment I'm imagining

Omissions of your truth is still the same as lying

I don't even know you; why the hell am I still trying?

I'll try my best to say this next line politely

Fuck you and eat shit and bite me

I can't handle the pressure of fighting

for a thing that makes me feel like I'm dying

[vacuousl0v3]

I hate myself rn.

[vacuousl0v3]

How can anyone ask anyone else to stay alive?

[vacuousl0v3]

Feels like some things are never gonna get any easier..

[vacuousl0v3]

Have you ever felt so safe to be yourself around someone.. so accepted..

Only to have them explode on you one day, out of the blue, because they've been harboring so much resentment towards you the entire time?

...No? Just me?

I don't even have words to describe what I'm feeling. It might help for me to identify this feeling.

Deep shame.

Humiliation.

Self hatred.

I just feel so... fucking... stupid.

[vacuousl0v3]

Sick of myself rn.

[vacuousl0v3]

Today's mood.

[vacuousl0v3]

I woke up, startled. Maybe I wasn't all the way awake. I ran from my room though. I think I thought the ceiling was falling. I've had that dream before.

I just remember sitting on the toilet. Not to use it, but just to catch my breath. Elbows on my knees, face in my hands...

Inhale... Exhale...

Then something new, my stomach turned. The anxiety was too much. I spilled my guts into the trash beside me.

I remembered I was safe, but I felt so uncertain. I took the trash can with me and laid back down.

Inhale... Exhale...

The dog was still asleep. I must be okay. I drifted back to sleep.

I've had these types of night terrors before, but they've never made me sick like that.

Is this the next level?

[quotemadness]

“We all eat lies when our hearts are hungry.”

— Unknown

[vacuousl0v3]

All the pieces fell so perfectly in concatenation.

But the first falling fragments meant nothing until the rest shattered.

Hindsight is everything.

[vacuousl0v3]

What if you don't even know where you are?

[aidashakur]

God please heal the part of me that i can't discuss

[thoughtkick]

“Remember that you were art long before he came to admire you, and you’ll continue to be art even when he’s gone. A masterpiece is still a masterpiece when the lights are off, and the room is empty.”

— Charlotte Beier

[vacuousl0v3]

The hardest withdrawal.

[vacuousl0v3]

I went to church today. I'm agnostic, but I went as support for a friend of mine. It felt right. I cried a lot.

I wouldn't say I am a die-hard believer now, but I did leave there with some clarity. Not much, but enough to help me understand the answer to a question I've been struggling with.

I will not bury my trauma in busy-ness. I will not put money, or a misplaced sense of duty, before my well being and my duties as a mother.

I will sit with my discomfort and only sacrifice myself for things that matter. I will prioritize the things that deserve to be prioritized.

My mental health.

My child.

Everything else can wait. Everything else is replaceable. Money comes & goes. And in most spaces, I am replaceable.

I can get through this. I can, and I will.

[vacuousl0v3]

Fuck.

[vacuousl0v3]

You couldn't see her fragility because you convinced yourself she's invincible.

Now she's left fragmented and dejected.