in high school, when I was bullied and did not have any friends, is when my love addiction started. I was chasing this “love”, I just needed to find this one person to share my life with, and that would fix everything. I was extremely codependent romantically, and had a deeply anxious attachment to people.
when it came to friendships, I was the opposite. I started to really see friendships as replaceable. so I became ok with not having friends. I didn’t feel like I needed friends. if I had a partner, that was going to be more than enough.
it took me years to realise what I was struggling with, to know how to work on it and heal myself. I had to unlearn, and completely re-build my idea of what love is. I had to learn what a healthy relationship means, what it looks like, as I was clueless.
through working on that, I started to become very independent on every level. as I became fully comfortable with being alone, I started doing everything by myself. going to the movies, go out for dinner, going to concerts, going out partying, moving countries. which honestly is something I very happy about, in a way. not having to rely on anyone feels good, it makes me feel strong.
however, through the years I started looking at friendships differently. in a sense, friendship became more important. I started to really value long-time friends. people that have been in my life for a long time, that are consistently there. friendships that take no effort to maintain. bonds that are so strong, that I am struggling to see myself develop with new people.
I started to realise though, how hard it is for me to be vulnerable. to ask friends to do anything, to pour into friendships, to let my guard down. if I plan everything myself, if I don’t depend on anyone, I don’t get my feelings hurt.
somehow, whenever I decided to take a chance, I was shown why I’ve been this independent in the first place. maybe it’s self-fulfilling prophecy.
romantically, I don’t really attach to people like that anymore. my expectations are low. I don’t really look at the future of relationships anymore. I’m good with how it is now. again, it is good to be independent, but sometimes I miss my romantic side. as a codependent, life was more intense, emotions and feelings were more intense. I felt more. I started looking at relationships the way I hated other people did. from a practical side of things, with reason.
sometimes the romantic deep inside me shows his head, like today. I asked the guy I’m dating, the guy I feel closer to every day, to go on a trip with me. this is not an evidence. he seemed unsure. he wanted to try a weekend first. he doesn’t want to leave the country together.
in a state of fatigue and sensitivity, I took it personally. it all came to me at once. he responded the same way my best friends did. maybe people don’t want to do these things with me.
tension started to fill my body. I instantly felt fatigued. “maybe I should go alone. my best friends said the same thing. it’s as if I made a threat.” not another word was said. reasonably, I know it’s not about me, but I was triggered. I ended up packing my bag, saying I’m not feeling too well, and that I should go home. he did not say anything, he just let me leave. I wanted him to say something. in my head it confirmed my thought that he didn’t care.
I left on the verge of tears. I want him to text me, but he does not.
truth of the matter is, solitude is starting to scare me. there is a part of me that does not want to remain this loner. I wonder about my future. there’s films I’ve watched about lonely older people. it resonates with me, but in a way I wish it doesn’t. I’m about to move countries again this year. I’m moving to the other side of the world. I’m a 30 year old man. making connections does not get any easier. I worry without the few close friends I have, I will be fully alone. I will have no one to turn to.
I realise how nice it is to share things in life, how it adds, but it is hard to make the change, to allow people in.
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