Journals

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Lamenting........By Ashleyy

“A Raindrop on my window pane… brings tears to my eyes , my heart is in pain…… Why is it that I feel no glee….. when all on earth, dance so merrily …… These beautiful birds are sheltered by trees …. then why am I abandoned by thee…. Dark clouds so ominous…

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South Indian Pilgrimage

I must say I am very fortunate. Few months ago in Rishikesh while staring at a poster of Vivekananda Rock memorial, I had this burning desire to visit this place. Its where Swami Vivekananda got enlightened in the extreme moments of despair.

Soon around…

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2013 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an…

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Bhajans & Kirtans from Shivir in Gola - January 2013

In the month of January when we travelled for Kumbh mela, we started with a holy place in UP, India called Gola Gokarnath. We had help a three days spiritual camp there. I was lucky to be able to record the songs sung during the camp and in good quality.…

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This existence is not under thy subservience

All beings are under the yoke of mind, Body is proceeding on the path of destiny, I find. All objects are like a flame of lamp, These keep on fast changing and are beyond clamp. Infancy, boyhood, youth turn into senility, All sights change constantly,…

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how do you feel in the morning?

I have made an observation during my travels. Its almost common everywhere I go. During the day I see people shuffling between all kind of moods & states. They are excited, passionate, dull, irritated, etc. By the nightfall I see some tired, exhausted or content at times. The most interesting time is when they get up. I usually get up earlier than most people I am with. You see unless, there is a train/flight to catch or an urgent meeting, someone knocking the door, there is such a lack of enthusiasm at this point. I rarely see the welcome smile for a brand new day. There is a dullness about the morning or lack of sleep. Unless there is a very important reason to get up which has been planned earlier, there is no drive to get out of bed. I often like to ask what people do over the weekend. How does their morning begins is the most important feedback for me. I want to understand what exactly drives people everyday, what pushes them towards forthcoming events. I am specifically interested in the mornings when there is nothing planned in prior. Isn't there anyone living their life by making their own decisions, or has everyone stopped making plans and organizing their schedule. Is it too necessary to have a plan to even get up? As far as I see we are almost as good or bad as dead for the world when we are asleep. Do we want to remain dead for as long as we can help???? Why cant our existence on its own be exciting enough to look forward to each day? I find the sunrise in itself so pleasant a time to not miss it in the morning. I dont go out in the balcony or the roof top to see it everyday. But just knowing at a moment the sun is rising right now, is such a soothing experience in itself. Fortunately for me, I rarely have days now when I have my morning planned for something. Comparing that with most people's lives I should have the least amount of zeal to get up early morning. I mostly hear that if there is a plan for supposing 9 am in the morning then generally people just like to get up say at 8 am so that they can get ready, eat and leave. Nobody wants to have a nice and relaxed morning or at least the synonym for that is lazing in the bed. No wonder the faces in the morning of people I often see is the dullest and lifeless. Look at your face without washing it in the mirror each morning. Look into your eyes. Ask yourself what are you doing in life and what for. Honestly this feels like a very dull and deprived life. I hardly consider this as lifestyle of people who have chosen their own occupation/profession. It more sounds like living on a gun point. That people only move because there is no other choice. Otherwise if people who can help or have lenient schedule wouldn't wanna wake on time even on weekdays, let alone weekends. I am sure there are days when people exhaust themselves beyond their physical/mental capacity and look forward to more rest than usual. But does sleeping extra really makes you feel energetic after you get up. I strongly doubt. I d say that sleep early if you want to catch up on missed rest. But try begin your day for no particular reason, maximum by sunrise. I wont say what difference it makes but you feel it yourself. You could try it for two weeks and find out. You dont really need a reason for it. Just do it for yourself. Like the days you have to go to work but you dont have to actually rush your breakfast or bath. Have it like you would do on a sunday i.e. at ease. Not like you are on a mission and will be suspended for taking long. But it can only happen if you have sufficient time before you have to get onto your schedule. The parameter to your life's current state up till now can only be known by exactly how you feel when you first open your eyes each morning. If you find it peaceful & calm then wait and check if its so for the next one hour at least. You have to spare yourself at least that much each day, don't postpone it for the day to end. You are very precious, treat yourself like that. Everything in the world is secondary & dependent to your existence and it doesn't exist if you don't.

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Deprived Dreams

Go sit on your rooftop or a place open to sky without walls. Now make two lists. One of all the things you want to do, achieve or posses in your remaining life and second of all the goals & wishes you have accomplished /fulfilled already.  Warning : The first list has endless myriad possibilities so try to hold your whims. With the two lists in your hand close your eyes for 5-10 minutes. Now open your eyes and try to imagine the contents from list one first. Then reminisce the nostalgia from list two. Interestingly except for a discrimination in your own mind (almost irrelevant with your present) there is not much difference in your past & future. They both have a certain formation in our mind as to what we still seek and things we sought earlier. But after succeeding at some they just become a memory we like to cherish. The once that we didnt succeed at or have recently formulated leaves us feeling deprived. Some people would like to call themselves ambitious in such a state but does it mean hanging your contentment on something uncertain & unforeseen when your present is going to remain the same. How can you just hope for the best to happen to you and not prepare for the worst. Even though they both will convert from future to present when they come and immediately become past with each passing moment. We will try to hold to it whether overjoyed or depressed but wont succeed. Its the law of nature. Can anybody list or mention any incident that made a difference to their being and existence? In all probability it just added a feeling, a nostalgia, positive or negative. Does it really matter that much that we sacrifice our present on an assumption of life getting better one day. Isnt it or cant it be considered better already and better than what exactly, just ponder. The things you are conditioned to havent changed a bit. You still have to do the basics and you still remain conditioned to so many things. None of it really liberates you from what you are & where you are. Kaid e hayaat o bande gham, asal mein dono ek hain, maut se pehle aadmi gham se nijaat paaye kyo: Gham e hasti ka asad kisse ho jujj marg ilaaj,shama har rang mein jalti hai sahar hone tak Whether you owned the guitar or latest tablet, you went abroad for holiday or attended a live concert, you excelled in your career or profession, found the man/woman of your dreams, got recognized for something you dedicated years to, got the latest suv, all of its net result /effect is in your mind. If you were successful or you kept striving. You are where you were before you began and irrespective of the result. It is unfortunately very inconsequential if you look slightly beneath the surface. If only the malady would end here but till the time you have the means & measures you will again start chasing an old or new dream which keeps you deprived of satisfaction. Something that doesnt exist outside and hence doesnt depend on anything external. When everything relates to you because you exist then it has to come from within first. Why do all your actions have to be from a deprived state and not contended. Because if you are contended first then there will not be any association with the activity and hence you wont be indulged enough to forget `Your Self'. Is it not possible to do actions not backed by a motive, desire or wish? As unless it is completely self-less it is never pure action. You are just compelled by your mental state to be involved in that activity no matter what is. Its not your own willful action. Its not very difficult to know your self without any deprivation. It may devoid you of your usual zeal temporarily but with practice & patience it will establish you in unfazed peace & satisfaction from within. You dont have to fight & strive so hard externally. You wont be indulging in activities then but only do pure action. It just requires knowing your self a bit and not just your physical attributes. It will be not be fruitful to label your condition and try to defend it in your mind for your own sake. Whether its deprivation of love, money, emotion, comfort, care, recognition, respect, excel, food, clothes, health, shelter................................. it can go on. But as long as something else is governing you then you know you have to get away from that track of life. Start following your self from this very moment.

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do you know the meaning of this dilemma?

I am not uncertain depressed or restless. it's just that there is no where I want be, nobody I want to be with, there is nothing that I want to have and I don't look forward to do any particular activity. I find it hard to determine anything substantial in things around me. there is serious dearth of anything exemplary in lives of people I know, have seen or heard. the motivation with which everyone is headed somewhere or get by every moment of fleeting breath seems futile as whenever I look at the end result, it seems meaningless or ephemeral. isn't there any sense or value to all this haywire. are we all too blind occupied or incapable to notice. I seem to know lot of people yet it is always so lonely inside whether I be around family friends strangers and myself. nothing makes sense anymore and it's increasing exponentially all the time. I analyse a lot  and observe too. the balance sheet always shows null results. I have often imagined how the life in my body would reach it's end and it doesn't seem to matter if it happens today or in a thousand years. as it can't take away anything or change anything. I wish to wake others up to this reality and even make attempt but don't feel it works. I try as one gotta do what one has to do. I see the shells and cocoons built around people in which they cage the dreams they refer to as life. the harsh ways in which they are often shattered after some false gratification sometimes. but people move on so quickly that it's crazy. was prince siddarth too moved by this same realization????  or he was on a different dimension altogether. I am not sure. the biggest best and only moments of solace I find is meditating on the universal self. the omnipresent  omnipotent omniscient. there isn't anything to understand there with this mind or to be felt with this heart yet it's so complete a state and almost impossible to describe. my physical health often holds me back from dwelling to my hearts desire. almost like I don't deserve it yet. but I can wait infinitely as there is nothing else I look forward to. I feel all this love for no one or nothing in particular. just for the existence in it's entirety. I may sound crazy but that's how I have become now and there doesn't seem another possibility. I am useless and absolutely worthless. don't label it as negativity. it's very plain and simple and there is no harm in it. it's just the way it is or has become or always has been. I am just searching for the meaning and purpose of my existence. it's written in the Scriptures that's it can't be found. it's just revealed to one who deserves.

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How strong is your word?

We are all a generation of logic & rationals. It has given us great deal of hollowness leading to discontentment. As without sparing we look for reasons, benefits or convenience in every aspect of our lives. Nobody wants or accepts to endure even a slight bit. Thats why we constantly swap our values, preferences & priorities. Its impossible in today's date to count on anyone for his words. They are left with no meaning. There can be so many obvious factors which can stand in the way of a man's action now. No wonder we need bonds & contracts which legally bind because the man of reason would seek his convenience & analyze the benefit first. At the slightest hint of discomfort you can count on him changing his actions and even deny his words. This is often found to be root many a quarrels(court cases). Why is it so difficult to stand by your self? Why dont we feel ashamed when we act purely out of our convenience and not the need of the hour? Our societies would be alot less secure if brave men at the borders would also see situations like this. They often have difficulties hence to adjust in the sophisticated surroundings. Look back in your past and look at your current life to see what is it that you do painstakingly without having any reason for it, it being beneficial and convenient. Its like those people who randomly help during a natural disaster & road accident. As they make an attempt to transcend these three pillars which define most of our lives. How many times have we worked extra hours only for a colleague whom we dont know well enough. If it was a senior from whom you can yield something in future then it would be a different story. Or if its a member of opposite sex then too. Charity is commendable but do we do it even if that particular month our allowances have more important personal priorities, mostly not as it forms the last thing in our budgets. As most others dont even have it in their monthly allocations. If you dont have time & money for charity and you are only occupied in making your ends meet or chase some ambition & desire. Then it would be futile to even look for a hint of service in your lives. You dont even truely serve people around you, immediate or distant relatives, long lost friends or the closed ones. Why should I do so much , he hardly ever cares? Whats the point? I am too busy that time. blah........... blah............. blah................ In most glorious love stories or ones which become a legend I have read & heard that the couple would literally die for each other. I am not saying that they will give their life just to get their love but to carry it on. A lot of you must have luckily found someone you love or someone who loves you but the enduring part is sustaining it. Well the question arises that if its true love then it will sustain on its own or last forever else you can look for a new partner. No wonder there are so many break ups & divorces around. Well love comprises of waiting for your beloved even if the chances of their return are scarce, standing guard for their actions & words and literally die for your promises made to them. If you just look for ease or gain then life is but a trade where you are selling only whats easily available to you & only if it is the thing that gives maximum profit with least expenses. You dont have a unique selling point. There goes the meaning & sense of life out in the garbage for you. It will only increase the emptiness & void in your hearts with age. Your face would never beam with glow as your experiences in life increase. Your frustrations & uneasiness would never cease and worst thing is every time you face an uncertainty or unforeseen event you are doomed to fall very hard. As you did not learn to endure without reason. Most uncertainties, disasters & calamities happen without reasons at least unknown to common man. We hail from a country in which ages old saying by our mythological ancestors have been "raghukul reet sada chali aayi , praan jaye par vachan na jayi". We have had people grander than life name Devrata who was eventually called Bheeshma for his vows. We have classes in our colleges & schools only to help build our career & not our character. If only our education too played a role in embedding values & principles then those less fortunate to have a enriched upbringing wouldnt be at loss. Its a shame to look at what we have become & still striving to become. Whatever I have said above is for each one to look within him or herself and not to analyze your peers critically. As values & principles are personal. 

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Awake or asleep

Some dear ones who care for me in their own way often ask me as to when will I get back to normal life. I guess I have written so before. Post accident my memory doesnt serve me better. I find myself pondering over this definition of normal. Everyone around is luckier than me it would seem as they have their normal life, targets, aims, ambitions, pursuits, priorities, interests, etc. and they are content with it. I could never find till now whats normal for me. I have tried enough and observed as well. Everything & everyone in life is so dynamic or should I say life is so dynamic around me. Its changing constantly and I cant define the pattern. Nothing is still, constant be it the weather, our body, relations, understanding, knowledge, values and even the importance of various things in our life is shifting constantly. Yeah this shifting is constant. I have not even come across anybody who could say with conviction as how am I not living normally and they are, on the contrary. People seem to have figured out what they want but I havent. I am stuck somewhere. My dilemma is I need something to hold onto and something that can stay with me forever. Health, wealth, happiness, success, fame, possessions, relations & memories dont stay forever or dont stay the same. Their value & importance shuffles, reduces & increases. I dont know how to deal with something so fickle. I am too naive and world is too complicated. I see my friends, family and strangers always busy & rushing towards something all the time. They seem so sorted and have found it what they always wanted or at least are trying their best. Some succeed and others dont. Some die trying and some die crying. Those who get it , start looking for new horizons. Yet one thing I can well associate with everyone is the non-activity we all share i.e. Sleeping . The most essential part of our life. We enter in an unknown world. We forget who we are, where we are, why we are and how long we are. No knowledge & surety of waking up. We all love a long deep sleep. It makes everything comfortable & acceptable. The lack of same makes everything else worthless. Some need to exhaust themselves, a few drinks or an awesome movie, copulation or a perfect novel, all the efforts to ultimately able to sleep well. Your favorite mattress, the right temperature, may be your favorite music playing, set of pillows or cushions. Everyone loves this inactive part of our existence where there is no knowledge of our surrounding & being. As nobody is comfortable with just lying awake on their bed for eight hours in the night. Its depressing, frustrating & disastrous. Every single day of our life ends with sleep. Isnt it phenomenal that out of zillions of activities we have discovered for ourselves. Yet none can suffice for this peaceful rest. Ultimately we all rest forever when we die. Nobody wakes up from the last sleep. Wow its almost like we are practicing death every day. Somebody or something inside us decides to wake us up at some point but there comes a time when nothing works and we dont wake up at all. I am open to suggestions if any of you sorted , confused or intelligent people can recommend as to what should I do with my life. Can we actually do something with our life or is it just happening on its own? Are we actually able to do things or even predict whats gonna unfold in near or distant future. What is the meaning of such a lost existence? The end of everyone is same whether with an epidemic, tsunami, heart failure, road accident, natural disasters or the most trivial reason. No matter what you valued most or devoted your time to, in the end it doesnt even matter. These words may sound depressing from some school of thought but are realistic too. If you have found any meaning in anything yet and it has stayed with you. Any experience or memory that has retained it original value or glory. Are we too far gone already in the flood of life. Try being still for 90 minutes with your eyes open and body still. Just see what you go through physically & mentally. Challenge yourself or try to tinker with your otherwise organized, sorted, planned and understood life. Just see if it makes any difference in your life or anybody else's for that matter. Or things just remain as they are. Does your being here really makes any difference? Would it matter that one day you will eventually disappear from the face of this earth. Be buried or cremated. Or is it too heavy & difficult to do consciously for a very short while, what you have practiced every night in your sleep. It will be but just one step to know your self closely, or see your self or be with your self or a side of you , you have not known yet.

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The fear of abandonment & other things......

With the first advent of knowledge there is a desire to share it with someone and being recognized for it. Though gradually with time even an acknowledgment becomes precious. It doesnt matter whether your knowledge is borrowed from books or internet and in rare cases your own discovery. We constantly suffer from a deficit of our being and hence you want to lay emphasis on your own existence through every medium you come across. Since there isn’t any attribute that we specifically can call ours without sharing it with nature, an association with certain constructs or traits of mind seemingly pacifies. But the craving never ends.

The loss of free will occurs the very instant fear of abandonment seeps in. In order to be accepted just the way we are, full of joy & liberty, one tends to start being what everybody around accepts readily which in most cases doesnt match with our being. We pretend and adopt things just to become more acceptable. Its a kind of adaptability we as humans excel in. Everybody isnt gifted well with this quality hence some become miserable, losing their purity. Some do it to outsmart others while some may do due to greed or jealousy and some struggle just for an acknowledgment of their existence. Either ways it takes away your awareness and renders you in a rather mechanically cloned version. If we were born with firmwares then downloading the updates would take away half of our lives and establish world records.

Its difficult to value what cant be seen yet always is and abandon everything that can be perceived but doesn’t last.

Following this order we build layers of conditions & constructs around us forcing ourselves daily to act according to our whims & fancies. In time we start losing our most precious gift that is awareness of our selves, things around us, people around us, nature, our body & its needs. Its rare to find people aware of their mind, its functions and its need of rest. Being unaware while our mind wants to rest is sleeping and being consciously aware which gives rest to our mind is meditation. The biggest fad of our times, provided we are still active & healthy, is that sleep, dance, music, movies, sports, adventure or other recreational activities can give rest to our ever functional mind. That is why our societies have so many awards, celebrations & functions. They are a necessity to emphasize such fads.

I wonder, if in any state or country the government bans a simple need such as eating outside ones house. Would there still be huge gatherings at marriages, conferences, parties? Would we still spend time & money on dressing up and going out? Would weekends, cinema halls, malls, etc still see so much foot fall?

Its the same fear of being abandoned thats makes death scary for us. Even though no one has experienced their death themselves. We only hear about others dying but we have never felt or experienced it. As no one lives to tell how was their encounter with death. All we know is that one who dies has to abandon everything he is acquired, all relations & possessions. In other words everything & everyone abandons the one who dies. This very phenomena of being abandoned is what makes death scary to us. We dont know how to live with just ourselves and we have never learnt how to spend time with just ourselves. All we understand is spending time with help of some medium. If we are left in a room without anything except the necessities such as food & water even then our survival in such solitary confinement seems dreadful. As the question arises that there was nothing to do and the boredom of our own company was close to death. We have made our lives so conditional that we dont know any other way of living and we depend on so many man made things to survive. We have come too far away from nature.

Even after arranging, acquiring & managing all means there doesnt seem to be any end of our quests. We keep preparing for a better future which never seems to arrive. We dont try to just be who we are without any kind of dependence. The desire to be accepted by others makes us do things to avoid abandonment. In return we never understand who we are, why we are and how long we are.

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Aftermath of a road mishap

There are plenty of incidents and events that do not seem logical or reasonable to us with their occurrence. Its far more easy for us if we can hold someone responsible or blame somebody for such cases. It somehow becomes acceptable. I guess thats how are basic nature is. Then again if you notice there many such times which are universally accepted such as accidents or illnesses. We calmly accept them as inevitable or pre-destined. If we slip in the bathroom then we never scold anybody for that. Or unintentionally delete or forget to save important files on computer then we dont get angry on anyone.

Then why are we so judgemental or jumpy towards conclusion if at all there is even an iota of probability of someone being responsible for the mishap that has occured. We rip a person apart, belittle them, ridicule them, make them feel ashamed or embarassed. How petty we become neglecting thousands of cases where things just happen and one cannot avoid their occurence.

Each and every incident that occurs physically is pre-ordained, we are only free to make choices in our mind and mend our outlook. You can continue to challenge or fight this fact but time and again it will stand proven to you. We must stop blaming others for anything that seems wrong in our life. We dont understand so much about our life-system. Its easy to escape our negligence by holding others responsible. Only foolish people say that you can make life as you want,  realistic people accept life as it is. You can either struggle forever to change life which includes others according to you or you can bend your attitude slightly and everything will fit in.

Another interesting experience i am having these days, since i am resting mostly. It started clearly just before the accident. It was going on inside me how our being is totally unaffected by our physical state. Projections keep changing infront of us and leading to myriad thoughts, feelings, ideas, plans & emotions. But the self remains as it is. Though i m yet to experience it during my sleep. 

So when my car's brakes failed and i saw that we are about to collide with the truck halted in the third lane. Yet there was no question or surprise inside me. It just seemed like any other mundane activity of everyday life. After the impact the pain was too strong inside the chest and blood on my face, for a moment i accepted it may be my last breath. Things began getting dark but i was not dying so i started functioning realising that this too is just a projection and hence will pass away. The situation is temporary and i am a witness. So brought my mom to consciousness and called my father for ambulance.

Its been ten days and not even once has this question arise that why did this happen. Or why is my mother so seriously hurt. When dear ones come visiting and tell me i shall get well soon. I dont know why they wish so. What is the hurry of getting rid of my current condition. How would it matter whether i take a month or 6 months time. As pain or relief both are just temporary states of our physical existence. We remain constant all the time.   

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Void Everywhere

Its there inside each one of us. Some know about it and others oblivious. It can be marked from the very start of life making sense to us. The great big void. Initially it may not seem all that huge but with time as life passes by it keeps increasing. We crave to fill it up with anything and everything we know, learn, do & experience. There is a level of false gratification but never are we able to fully fill this void. It may sound vague but can be understood by anyone who has ever introspected on their lives and the ones around. That is how we come to develop so many tastes in different individuals. There are different choices, moods, needs, wants & desires. Each one with the same objective to feel fulfilled & contented. Some times I feel pity to look around and find the constant struggle to achieve this, yet always a failure. It requires the slightest pondering to realize. People go to many extremes to sort this out, explore and research in many ways. Everyone is looking for that one sure shot to be able to once at least get over with this turmoil. I am amazed to look at the variety of activities we have developed, I wonder if they are there to fulfill this gap or help us negate or ignore this lamented state. I have heard confessions of few friends where they mentioned realizing this only the times when they have been forcefully alone. For instance a long admittance in hospital or being bed ridden at home due to some prolonged sickness. But once over they never turn back to analyze the epiphany. It is the resultant of this relentless state of misery which leads to hatred, greed, jealousy, infidelity, frustration, anger and other such illness. If everyone around you is struggling with the same thing then it doesn't register as a struggle to anyone. We consider and accept life like that only. Nobody questions much, except over a coffee or a drink on a late night. Sleep makes us forget it all and brings us back to square one. Its always easier to blame other people & circumstances. Isnt it possible that somewhere we are responsible for all our maladies? It might not seem so on the surface but then nothing is clear on the surface ever, if it is then its all the more reason to doubt. If at all others were responsible then why did we ever let our guard down. You must have realized in the very first hit or hurt. We can only go on ignoring ourselves as long as we are able and active but with the last breath everyone realizes the mistake. Nobody knows if it is too late then or we get another chance in some other dimension. Well at least as far as facts go nobody has returned to confirm. Just sit back and relax in your own company for an hour everyday. Ask yourself this question why are you doing, whatever it is that you are doing, where does it lead you, did you actually find or get what you needed, are you still striving, if you were successful then how long did the taste last? Dont be disappointed with the disheartening results. Its not coming out a depressed mind or in a very low mood, i can assure you that whatever I have expressed here is in absolute peaceful & relaxed state .

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Life Flirts! - 3rd Anniversary Journal

Its the 3rd anniversary of my beginning to pen down things on this blog.

Even the smartest wisest and most pragmatic fall prey to life. You know why? Essentially because we never chose life ourselves. Life chose us and for how long is life gonna play with our tender feelings, is an unsaid question in all of ours mind. Even if all of us are not privileged to get toys & gifts money can buy, life still enchants us with weather, trees, flowers, air, beaches, hills, etc. Nature is that aspect which spell binds us. Then comes people, friends & relatives, opportunities & success, taste & perception, fun & pleasure, but you know the harsh reality behind all of it; we cant survive even a day without getting sufficient food, water, air and sleep. The injustice doesnt end there, you need shelter, protection & security from all sorts of external adversities. Even when you manage somehow some of these all of the time or all of these some of the time, you get defeated by emotional needs, desires & expectations.

Lives there no man who has fulfilled all his desires, none who can claim there life to be complete. Its a fleeting gratification only that you can meagerly manage at times but your physical health or age boundation interrupts that too.

Life relentlessly & recklessly flirts with us all.

Only few get smitten by this bug of craving & curiosity and rush to find the truth, the actual truth and the only truth. So what is the truth actually, does anyone really wants to know the truth. Time and again i tell or at least make a genuine attempt to tell people but nobody likes to know what they need to know or hear, they despise me for that, they love me if i only speak what they want to hear. It’s such a wishful thinking that the truth would be easy to come and comprehensive. Most of us dont even want to take a single step against our mind then what possibility or probability can you imagine to know the truth that gives the power & strength to this mind which then generates all these ideas & thoughts including the one i am writing.

There is one thing which is very commonly experienced by all of us or most of the people around us , that is the desire for love or need for companionship. It comes naturally to us, nobody ever asked you , taught you, it just happens. We dont even ask why as its so overwhelming, whether you fall or rise in love, over time everyone experiences the decline, the stagnancy, but while it lasts, its the best thing we ever experienced. Most of our efforts go futile to retain it forever. The tendency to be jealous, possessive or dominate eats it up. Until it transcends the corporeal, its ill-fated and destined to descend eventually.

If you discover the sub consciously embedded love for our existence it can take you to realms you never knew existed and are eternal. A simple way to proceed towards the same is to be honest focused dedicated in our love (a wishful thinking again as our expectations are uninvited parasites).

So life flirts with us in so many ways that we cant list them all and eventually life choses death over us, ditching us in the end. Love seems like a gateway which momentarily gives us some relief but later leaves us craving for even what we got in the beginning.

This is the partial truth as its only the beginning of an ages old quest. Good luck to all those striving as i am.

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The Poker of Life

Life is a casino where a never ending game of poker is being played by everyone. Nature is the dealer here. There are many different tables with the range of bets varying. Some are public and some have reserved admittance only. Different aspects of life are covered as different tables here such as family, profession, friends, socializing, sports, adventure, hobbies, relationships, etc. The bets keep increasing and decreasing. There is minimum bet on some tables which is very high and on some tables the maximum bet is fixed. Every now and then somebody goes all out on a table hitting the max. bet and is thrown away from there. You see a constant competition amongst the players to reach to a certain table to play. To have more and more acquisition & recognition. Some succeed and some fail. Some keep returning to particular tables even after having lost everything there at some point and some never return to the same table after their first attempt. You last on some tables for very long and sometimes you barely sustain one game. Some keep borrowing and some keep lending, where as some just love to watch this misery. Its funny to watch all this combined as a spectator. To watch people engulfed in superiority of their tables and the jealousy & inferiority of others. No matter how much you win or lose, how many times you win or lose, for however long you play on a table or keep shuffling amongst different tables. The owner of this casino decides irrespective of your game-play to just tell anyone - Sorry, your time is up, you cant play any longer and you cant even redeem the chips at the main counter. You just have to leave the casino empty handed, whatever you borrowed or lent remains behind. No matter what relations you had developed over years of gaming on different tables just left behind uselessly. You can never come back here. Everyone knows this rule here yet they are constantly fighting, struggling and making efforts to improve their game or play on higher tables or with more people. I wonder if any of it really matters. Eventually all players get tired of playing no matter in what state, status, level or table. No matter how much you were enjoying your win or grieving over your loss. No matter how many people you were playing with. How pathetic your game was going or you were having the best time of your game. They all get tired. Hence they have to take mandatory breaks frequently enforced by the dealer, duration varying as per your need but you have to take a break everyday that's for sure. Its something we otherwise know as sleep. People constantly keep planning their next game or strategies or alliance even during this break. It seems nobody willingly wants to relax. Some players are very clumsy & lethargic always looking for an easy hand, where as some are over enthusiastic or very ambitious. None the less they are all totally indulged in some game or the other. Some playing it fair and some trying to cheat. After being a player myself for years and years, I saw that playing is endless and futile. It doesn't really make a difference how good or bad you play. How much you earned or lost. How many people know you or which tables you play on. What tricks and tips you have. How much experience you have. All of it mundane and inconsequential. I learned that its much more fun to just watch people play here and not to exhaust my energy on any table. To just be a wanderer in this casino and not a player. Some call me crazy, some call me fool, some call me lost, some call me a loser, where as there are plenty of others who love my company when they are shuffling between tables. It helps them get fresh ideas & perspective which at times improves their game play, or they just love to share details of how their games has been going and what plans they have for next hand. The more they realize it, more they seek to talk to me when shuffling, but rarely anyone actually asks as to what made me quit and what am I doing now ( I used to be a decent player, at least sustainable). Rather often being overwhelmed with their solicitude they make baffling demands or inquiry as to how long do I intend to stay away from the tables or its a must to play on some table to stay inside the casino. I tell them otherwise that its a secret but I have learned that its not mandatory here to play. These players are not always oblivious to the relaxed state of my being. Even they agree that they value this sense of calm and peace a lot which I have found and are dedicatedly, devotedly seeking it on some random table. I just smile. I ask them that would it be alright if the owner threw you out of the casino right now, it scares them, they always have some pretext or goal or ambition to let them play for some more time. I smile again. Now a days I even say sometimes that I have been granted an appointment with the owner of this casino whom nobody has ever seen and he might just randomly call me at any point. If I am found playing at that instance I will miss the chance or opportunity to meet him. As no excuse will work or be accepted. You have to be absolutely free from all tables then only he will meet you. Yeah helping players in any way while they are shuffling between tables is not considered a business or pre-occupation. I love doing it. It may seem a waste of time to a lot of people who are busy in their games but to me it sounds like the most exciting idea. Who knows what all prospects and possibilities might be their when I finally get to meet the man. I am happy waiting just like you are happy playing. I don't think that should be a problem to anyone ;-).

[vajournals-blog]

The lack of effort, promptness and initiative

We find escapes in many circumstances from putting our best effort or showing promptness and the burden of initiative. Either we are expecting for things to happen on their own or the other people involved to do it for you. It reflects our lack of zeal and interest. As there are plenty of things we do halfheartedly and probably because what are not following our heart actually. We are not genuinely interested in plenty of things and yet get involved in them. This could be for plenty of reasons for instance lack of courage to put a strong foot forward or compromising for some ulterior motive and sometimes for the sake of someone. Be it spiritual path or the mundane social life they both require efforts, promptness and lot of initiative. As you have set a goal for yourself and nobody else is going to pursue it for you. I often am confronted with this query or question by people who have known me or strangers that if there is so much fault or drawback in the general life then why doesn’t one leave everything and go to mountains or forests. Or for those who actually go then its pointed they are running away from the world. Then the misery is advocated by saying that we are here fighting or struggling or however doing it yet facing it strongly, unlike the `babas’ who run away or not ready to face `reality’. I have had so many laughs every time I ponder an instance where such juvenile comments or remarks are made. Artists, musicians, singers, lawyers, doctors, architects, merchants, soldiers, businessman, politicians……..bla bla bla bla. Aren’t these all just living life in different ways yet there might be a lot common in their needs and desires. Does anyone question them, no, why because they don’t raise a question on others too. But thinkers, philosophers, sages, saints, writers always question or point towards what being ignored. If people from Nat Geo or Discovery or scientists and researchers compromise on their social life to research something then it’s highly regarded by the society. Yet if somebody researches on something that’s not comprehensive for the lay man then they start questioning, why? It’s so funny that we ourselves can’t accept our own kind the way they are. Instead of being a facilitator, we become a hindrance or none the less despise them. But if all revolutionary people thought like this or got influenced by such hurdles then our societies would never have evolved. Or if the contributions of such unconventional people is taken away then we might still be barbaric. Are the forests, caves or the Himalayas outside the world? Are we still living in a age where anything outside the society or social norms is a taboo? Or we just hypocrites wanting to be called evolved and modern. Well its not the case everywhere and there is at least one society or religion that’s much more open and accepting to such ideas and that is Jainism. Interestingly they celebrate in honor of anybody who wants to move towards self-realization. Regardless of this the situation actually boils down to the fact that such questions, arguments or remarks are only put by people who lack in efforts, promptness and initiative. Who are scared to venture into regions that they don’t understand or don’t have the courage to reach the horizons as it seems to be the world’s end of what little they know. A lot of beautiful relations begin beautifully but start declining towards an ugly end, just due to the aforementioned reason. We can’t accept what we don’t understand but somebody else understands. We can’t handle it if we find someone care-free towards things that form our biggest concerns. Though we are constantly slogging to be there but failing to achieve it with our wisdom, we are not ready to accept an advice or suggestion. Instead we glorify our misery or failure or how we struggle unnecessarily. If we all want to go from Delhi to London then the fastest public transport available is an airplane? But if we in our ignorance keep glorifying the splendor and beauty that we can witness if travelled in a bullock cart, then nobody can help you. As then reaching London can’t be your aim actually unless the path is more important to you and not the destination. Hypothetically speaking if reaching London is the sole aim then we are losing focus. Is it to hide our failure or hide that our struggles have been futile as we didn’t know till now airplanes existed. If you won’t seek you will not find. Don’t be so afraid to put efforts as they are not to be safe-guarded and cherished but what you can achieve after that is what matters. Life as we know it is just a whirlpool of repeat telecasts, a vicious circle. Many of joined it before us and many will after we die. But if anyone tries to get out of it or find meaning to our existence instead of finding out what triggered such transition, realization or transformation we ask the most irrelevant question as what will happen once you will be free from this whirlpool or get of this circle. We ourselves are tired of this drill yet don’t appreciate any step towards liberation. What an irony! Some even advocate their futile attempt of trying to feel liberated while being caught in the jaws of this relentless struggle. There is a beautiful song by Gurumaa Anandmurti which goes – Jogiya, jag hai ek sarai Sada raha hai kaun yahan par, ek aai ek jaai Chhod ke apno ka ye mela, hans akela jaaye Jiska jitna daana paani, wo utna hi khaye Boond na simte sagar mein kabhi, saagar boond samaye Sukh ke ujiyaare ke peeche, dukh ke kale saaye Jaan ke bhi anjaan bane sab, kaun kise samjhaye

[vajournals-blog]

Pursuit of the Unknown

Growing up is about chasing. To get taller, to excel in class, to win your teacher's appreciation, best at sports, to be popular in school or college, to be the cynosure everywhere, to learn everything, to outstand in competitions, to have a huge bank balance, to have a four-wheel drive, your own flat, trip to langkavi or zurich, love-marriage..............

We keep pursuing something in all these and we don't realize when we get stuck in this whirlpool. This endless quest of no one knows what. The chase that only ends with our breath, who knows if it transcends the death too. If we go by our scriptures or certain doctrines then that's what leads to re-birth.

With every life shattering failure we get a nervous breakdown, halt momentarily to contemplate what went wrong, a fleeting introspection till we regain the lost strength and rush to spend it in the next pursuit. Sleep is like short death; we lose awareness of our existence on conscious level, charge and come back to the race.

We have all tasted success at some level but how long does that high linger, eventually it fades and we are looking for means to again get intoxicated with something.

What compels us so strongly is pursuit the only purpose of our being. It is often propagated that serving others without any motive gives satisfaction but even then if you are not appreciated or insulted for something, misunderstood by someone you care for or some unfortunate incidence takes place. What ground does it leave under your feet. Everyone knows this drill but still if you question it, you are ignored, despised or told to move on. But move on to what. Guess move to your natural end.

  Kaid-e-hayaat o bande-gam, asl mein dono ek hain; maut se pehle aadmi gam se nijaat paaye kyon

  Probably there is something we are all meant to pursue but it has to be identified right, which is the end of all pursuits, the contentment of which lasts forever. Something that hopefully and actually transcends our corporeal existence. It may be like flowing in love. Not like the relationships we experience, full of ups and downs but a constant flow of life. When we stop having tendencies, conditions, impulses and instincts, simply being ourselves. In our purest and natural form. When every co-passenger seems like your best friend. Every animal and bird your pet. Every weather your favorite and every day your birthday and every night like the 31st Dec. Where there is no demand and desire. Fulfillment of petty things don't govern or direct our thoughts and actions.

  The closest resemblance to such a possibility is regarded as self-realization. When one is all and all is one. It happens when we only have regard, respect and value for the life within and around us. When we only eye what's making the breeze blow, rising of sun and moon, blooming the flowers and growing fruits, the sparkle in the eye of an infant, giving the notes of music the power of enchanting. When we constantly realize the source of power of this universe and how it flows through us all the time.

Its interesting to mention here that its said in BHAGWAD GEETA - if you keep your mind and brain dwelling into this quintessence of life then you don't have to even make slightest efforts for your physical needs and security, the nature itself starts serving you in ways beyond our comprehension at this stage.

If we look around us we all may seem like clones in many ways having similar needs, desires, weaknesses, tendencies and ultimately the pursuits. Or in another perspective are we not trying to reach the source of everything unknowingly by relentlessly pursuing what's grown on that soil in various forms. Why not dig it once and witness the structure and flow of xylem and phloem everywhere.

  - VA

 Sent from my HTC