Author note: woah it’s been such a long time, so I thought I’d write something. I’m not sure if it’s very good but I’m trying to get back at it. Enjoy!
You and Calum had split months ago. Neither wanted to speak about it or to one another. Three months of silence from the whole situation, which is why it surprised you when you received a letter. Your name was written so beautifully across the envelope. Just from that you knew who it was from. Your body started to tingle as you racked your brain as to why you would have gotten this. In the house you sat it on the coffee table and just stared. Every feeling was hitting you at once. You did not know if you wanted to be angry at him for waiting this long to reach out, or if you wanted to cry because you were realizing how much you missed him. With all the strength in you body, you opened the letter and it unfold.
You needed to take in a breath before you could start the next line. For all you knew this letter could be Cal letting you know nothing ever matter to him.
Do you remember when I left for tour?
That memory was the hardest to think about. That was the day that things started to go south. You held on to him until the very last second, but would not let him see you cry.
“Just be good ‘til I get back, okay love?”
You embraced the last kiss he gave you and watched as they walked down the hall. You stayed there until he was long gone. Until you saw the plane leave from the windows. And you did cry, you left yourself be vulnerable and all you wanted was for Cal to show up. Tell you he was not actually leaving, or that he wanted you to come, even though that was not realistic.
I press my cheek against the glass. I knew that you waited until I was out of sight y/n. That was just like you. The ground disappears and I hold back my tears. I did not want to cry love. I felt ridiculous, but I already missed you so much. I check my phone to see your face, as if to say don’t worry, you won’t be lonely.
The thought of Calum feeling that way shocked you. He was always so strong, and thought of things as it is was it is. He was always the one to tell you that it was okay, and that it was not for long.
I remember that night, few drinks deep at a table for one. You finally called me back, and I was not fair with you. I know that love. Three missed calls at 2 am. I should not have yelled at you y/n. At the end of the night all I could think was we’re not alright but I’ll pretend.
That night was burned into your mind forever. You had heard the phone calls but it was harder to talk to him than just forget at the time that he was gone. On the fourth one you gathered yourself to answer it. He was drunk and so angry at you for not answering. It was your fault though, you had ignored him for so long. Life was a wreck at the time and that night might it worse. You never blamed him though. You gave him excuses like you never heard, or you’re late to work.
That last phone call, I knew it was the end y/n. You were sad that night, and I should have came home. I had the time and it would have worked, but I was being selfish. That sadness came out in anger. You hold back the tears. I could hear it in your voice. Your best girlfriend just got engaged. You were not jealous or envious of her. It just made you remember that I was going to be gone for a long time still. You say you can’t wait and need to make a change. You were yelling and I was so insensitive. I did not try to make it better, but fueled the fire instead. The end you told me its so hard to be lonely.
That night that you screamed at Cal over the phone was not your best moment. He was right, you were sad. But you took it out on him. He was doing his job and you knew the whole relationship that he would have to be gone at times. All of those rational thoughts left your head though. You called him names and told him that you did not love him. None of it was true, but you thought lying would convince you that it was true. You could not handle being sad anymore, and it came out in the worst way.
He called once more after that night. You did not answer, because you were far beyond the break up by then. You were feeling better and trying to forget what had happened. It wasn’t until days later that you listened to his voicemail. His voice was cracking and you could tell he had had some drinks.
“We’re together all alone tonight so helpless from the other side. So why won’t you love me?”
The truth was, you weren’t alone that night, you were finding anyone to make Calum a distant memory. Him thinking that you hated him, or that you never loved him hurt you in so many ways. The voicemail took a break, before he took a sharp breath.
“You imagine when you close your eyes you’re with me on the other side.”
The fact that he knew you so well made you breakdown for the first time since the last phone call. You regretted everything, but it was too far gone now. The click of the message being over made the sobs come out louder. You should have called him back, but you did not think any amount of communication was going to help now.
The last line of the letter struck you hard.
It took every muscle in your body not to call him. You knew he moved on already, and calling him was going to bring back all the awful things you had tried to push down in the last three months. When the letter slipped from your hands, there was no effort to pick it up. Instead you curled into a ball and let it all out again. The situation had not been good, and neither of you were entirely to blame. You did not know what to do, or how to make it all better again. All you knew was that it hurt like hell having him think you did not love him.
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