summary: after a one-night stand with Azriel, everything between you is different. Why won't he look you in the eye anymore and why did the sex feel so much better than with any other male?
The Distance He Keeps | Part 2 | Part 3 (angst, fluff)
summary: Azriel and you have been best friends for centuries. But all of a sudden he won't talk to you anymore.
the darkest night (angst)
summary: nearly fifty years have passed since Rhys was trapped under the mountain. The inner circle is in shambles, you are close to breaking. Only Azriel still holds on, or so it seems.
the brightest day -> part 2 to the darkest night (angst, fluff) (wip)
summary: Rhysand returns from under the mountain. The inner circle is forced to confront everything that happened in the last 50 years and your relationship with Az gains interest.
back massage (smut, fluff)
summary: your back hurts from training. Luckily, Azriel knows exactly how to make you feel better.
no grave (can hold my body down) (angst, fluff)
summary: shortly after you find out you're pregnant with Azriel's baby, illyrians kidnap you on a mission. But it turns out they're not strangers, after all.
ovulation (smut)
summary: it's your first time ovulating as a fae and your mate Azriel is more than happy to satiate the need within you
I just wanted to come on here and say I'm very sorry I haven't posted in (*checks calendar*) half a year again. A lot is going on in my personal life right now. I've lost multiple family members this year and am not okay. I can't say when I'll start writing again, for now I'm staying on hiatus.
My pookies, my requests are open again! I would kindly ask you to keep a few things in mind when requesting:
No smut. I'm sorry, but I write it only sometimes, when I'm in the mood for it, and on my own terms. I'm open for anything else.
I only write for Azriel (ACOTAR) at the moment. In the future, this might change; then I will let you know.
I take only a few requests at a time so I don't get overwhelmed and because I have a lot on my plate at the moment. I've decided to limit requests to 2 at a time. I know that's not a lot and I'm sorry for that, but I feel like this will help me stay active on the long run. Feel free to come back later if requests are closed again when you see this!
Summary: Azrielās shadows have always been an extension of his soul, but none more than the one that refuses to leave your side, even when heās away. It watches, protects, and lingers in the darkness, whispering promises of the mate who would burn the world to keep you safe.
The first time you noticed it, you had woken in the middle of the night, the dim moonlight casting long, jagged shadows along the walls of your bedroom in the House of Wind. You had reached for Azrielās side of the bed, only to find it empty and cold. Gone on a mission, as he so often was.
But you werenāt alone.
A whisper of darkness slithered along the edge of the mattress, coiling in the space between you and the emptiness he had left behind. Not touching, not pressingābut there. Watching.
Your breath caught, but not in fear.
Because you knew it. Knew the way it moved, the way it pulsed and trembled like it was breathing. Like it was alive.
Like it belonged to him.
Azrielās shadow. His favorite one, or so you teased him. And it never left you.
You lifted a hand, letting your fingers brush the air near it. It stilled, almost as if leaning into the phantom touch.
It wasnāt enough.
Azriel was gone. And though heād promised to return soon, though he had murmured against your lips that heād be back before you even had the chance to miss him, you had. Gods, you had.
But this shadowā¦
It stayed. It curled around the bedpost at night, keeping silent vigil over your restless dreams. It hovered at your back in the training ring, tensing whenever Cassianās strikes got too close, or when another male lingered in your proximity for too long.
It coiled tighter, closer, when you walked through Velaris at night. A soft, slithering promise that if anything, anyone, dared to so much as breathe the wrong way in your direction, they would not live long enough to regret it.
And you had never felt safer.
"You know," Cassian said one evening, perched lazily on the balcony railing, "you might be the first person in history to be shadow-kissed."
You scoffed, tossing a grape at him. "I am not shadow-kissed."
Cassian caught it in his mouth, grinning. "Tell that to the one wrapped around your ankle right now."
You glanced down, and sure enough, a tendril of darkness was coiled there, looping loosely around your skin in a way that felt less like protection and more like possession. Like it needed the contact.
Like it needed you.
Heat licked up your spine.
Cassian smirked, watching the way your expression shifted, how your fingers clenched slightly in the fabric of your dress. He exhaled dramatically, shaking his head. "Gods, heās so far gone for you, itās painful to watch."
Your stomach flipped. "He doesnāt even know."
Cassian snorted. "Doesnāt know? You think Azriel doesnāt notice where his shadows go? Pa-lease. That male probably feels every damn movement it makes."
You opened your mouth, ready to argue, but a familiar shift in the wind had your pulse stuttering.
The scent of cedar and cold night air curled around you before you even saw him.
Azriel landed with a predatorās grace, his wings rustling softly as they folded behind him. His gaze, sharp as a blade, golden as molten amber, went straight to you. Then to the shadow coiled at your feet.
Something flickered in his expression.
A quiet storm.
Cassian, ever the instigator, let out a low whistle. "Told you," he muttered, before clapping Azriel on the back and striding inside, leaving the two of you alone beneath the stars.
Silence stretched. Taut. Heavy.
Azriel was still watching. Unmoving.
And then, voice like rough velvet, he murmured,Ā āIt wonāt leave you alone.ā
It wasnāt a question.
You swallowed. "I donāt mind."
His jaw tightened. "It should listen better."
A tremor rolled through the shadow, as if in protest. You glanced at it, then back at him, searching his face for the truth beneath his words. "You told it to stay, didnāt you?"
Azrielās throat bobbed as he swallowed. He said nothing.
Didnāt need to.
The truth was in the way his hands flexed at his sides, like he was restraining himself. It was in the way his wings tensed, the way his breathing was just a little too controlled.
You took a step forward. His shadow curled tighter around your ankle.
"You knew it was with me," you murmured, "this whole time."
A slow, shallow exhale. "Yes."
Your heart pounded.
"You told it to protect me."
"Yes."
Another step. "Why?"
A muscle in his jaw ticked.
His wings flared just slightly, his control slipping. His shadows twined around his fingers like they, too, were struggling to hold him back.
"You know why," he rasped.
Say it.
The words hung between you, unsaid.
Azriel stared at you like he was already bracing for impact. Like he was preparing for rejection, for the inevitable unraveling of whatever fragile thing had built itself between you.
You reached for him. He stiffened, but didnāt pull away.
Foolish, foolish male.
Your fingers traced the ridges of his scarred knuckles, the calloused tips of fingers that had done unspeakable things. And yetāhe trembled beneath your touch like he had never been touched before.
Like you were something sacred.
You lifted his hand. Pressed it to your chest, just above your racing heart. "Say it."
His throat worked around the words. His shadows curled around you like they could say it for him.
But then, barely a whisper, so quiet you almost didnāt hear itā
"Youāre mine."
Your breath hitched.
A shuddering exhale left him, his control finally, blessedly breaking. His other hand came up to cup your jaw, tilting your face toward him. His thumb brushed over your cheek, soft. Reverent.
"I will always protect you."
Your lips parted, your hands sliding up the hard planes of his chest, over the rapid thrumming of his own heart.
"You already do," you whispered.
He made a sound, half relief, half something darker, and then his mouth was on yours.
And gods.
It wasĀ devastating.
Azriel kissed like a male who had spent centuries wanting and never having. He kissed like he was dying and you were the only thing keeping him tethered to this earth.
His hands mapped the length of your spine, pulling you against him, until there was nothingānothingābut him. His warmth, his shadows, the soft, quiet tremor of his breath as he whispered your name like a prayer against your lips.
Your fingers tangled in his hair, and he let out a sound that was almost a growl.
"Az," you murmured, tilting your head back, baring your throat to him. An offering.
His lips traced the sensitive skin there, his breath warm, unsteady. "Youāre mine," he said again, this time with certainty, with possession. "And I'm yours."
And gods help anyone who ever dared to threaten what was his.
Because Azrielās shadows had always been an extension of himself. But none more than the one that had never left you. The one that had sworn, just as he had, to keep you safe.
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summary: it's your first time ovulating as a fae and your mate Azriel is more than happy to satiate the need within you
genre: smut!!! | words: 3.7k | masterlist
warnings: 18+, pwp (not even a sliver of plot), smut, piv, oral (f receiving), wingplay, creampie, the breeding kink goes hard in this one, slight exhibitionism, cumplay, ovulation (duh)
Smut! Only proceed if you're 18+. Minors dni
A/N: Here it is, sorry for the confusion earlier! I have no words to excuse this unhinged piece of filth, except that I'm sorry it's not longer ;) Don't ask me how I came up with it. Maybe this is the last time I'm writing smut, cause honestly? I think I've peaked with this.
Sweat was glistening all over Azriel's torso. The sun caught the droplets at just the right angle. It looked almost like he had a faint glimmer to him as he was sparring with Rhys. His toned abs were a sight for sore eyes, the way they flexed as he put his weight into a punch directed at the high lord. But Rhys was fast and dodged the attack. The males circled one another, waiting for a moment of weakness to strike again.
Had Azriel's back always been so muscular? Did it look like this as well when he wasn't tackling his brother, but instead bending you over and fucking you? Azriel looked so wild, so carefree in the heat of the moment. His big wings unfolded halfway as he landed his first punch in Rhys's face. And you couldn't help the shudder that went through your body at the sight of your mate and thought about how he would ā
"...and then he ā Y/N, are you even listening to me?" Feyre waved a hand in front of your face to win back your attention.
"What? I mean sure I am". You were perched on a bank, observing your mates sparring. Shirtless. You had no idea who was winning. The only thing you noticed was the way your mate's biceps flexed and how the sun hit his perfectly sculpted chest ā
"Hey! You're practically mind-fucking him. What's going on with you? This is so unlike you". A blush crept over your face. But the wetness in your panties only intensified when a breeze hit your nostrils that carried the shadowsinger's scent. And a strange heat settled in your abdomen.
You were already half out of your seat before you realized you had stood up in hopes of clawing the pants off Azriel right there. "Oh Gods, of course", Feyre laughed, "I think you're ovulating". Azriel's head whipped around to you so fast he should've broken his neck. He stared at you, wide eyed and whatever he saw in you had his eyes darkening and a blush appearing at his neck. A moment of weakness Rhys used to hit him square in the face.
The hiss you shot at Rhysand was inhumane, animalistic almost and maybe you would've tried to tackle him, if your mate hadn't immediately stood up again and walked towards you with a grin on his bloody lips and looked so sexy you contemplated having a wagon-load of winged babies.
"Did he hurt you?". You brought your hand up to his face, your fingertips lightly grazing the small wound. Your mate shook his head no and, for some reason, Rhys was chuckling somewhere behind you. Your finger stilled at his upper lip. You took him in now, close up. His dishevelled hair, the sweat mixing with dirt and blood made him so masculine, so attractive your knees nearly buckled.
"You looked so hot fighting like this", you breathed. Rhys wheezed before laughing out loudly. But your mate drew you into a hug and whispered into your ear: "I could smell you all across the training ring". Your hands grasped his arms to stabilize yourself. Your heart hammered inside your chest and the burning desire between your thighs got unbearable.
Azriel turned his head towards the others. "Did you tell her what it would be like? Does she know? I don't want to take advantage of her like this". As if on cue, you moved your hand down his front, down the delicious muscles and to his pants that hid his manhood. And then you brushed over his half-hard length firmly, fumbling to open his pants. Azriel's scarred hands clutched your waist tightly and a small gasp left his lips.
"She does", Feyre was nearly crying from laughing, "besides I think it's her who's taking advantage of you, not the other way around".
"Azzie", you begged, unable to open his pants while he held you so close, "I need you. I love you so much. You're so sexy. And it... it hurts".
Concern etched on his face. "My love, where does it hurt?". Deep inside you, straight at your core.
"I can show you". Somewhere in the back of your mind, you were screaming at yourself to get it together, but it was like all your senses were attuned to him. Like every filter had been removed, when you grabbed his hand and tried to shove it down your own pants while simultaneously tracing the whirls of the tattoo on his chest with your tongue.
"Get a room, for Cauldron's sake", Rhys bellowed and your mate grimaced at your antics.
Azriel grabbed you by your arm, the world turned dark around you and all of a sudden you were in your bedroom, hanging onto Az.
"My mate is so strong and powerful", you grinned. "And so hot and so big". He choked on plain air when you palmed him through his pants again. You whimpered. He was fully hard now, straining against his confines. "So big", you repeated and stroked him through his pants. A growl left Azriel's lips and his lips crashed onto yours in a passionate kiss. Your blood was boiling, clothes too tight on your body and his naked skin drove you insane. Every thought left your brain as you touched every inch of his body you could reach and pulled him to the bed, on top of you without breaking the kiss. You were starving and the only remedy were his lips and his tongue that were just as desperate as your own. Only when you were gasping for air, did Azriel move his kisses down to your neck.
"It hurts, Az"
"I know, baby. I'll take care of you. But you've been a bad girl, my love. Very bad". He panted. Dark tendrils of shadows slipped around your waists and ankles, binding them to the bed.
"First, you smell so delicious you make me lose against Rhys". He pressed a hot kiss to your neck, flicking the delicate skin with his tongue. A loud moan escaped you and you thrashed against the shadows holding you in place. "Then you try to get me to fuck you right in front of my brother". He took truth-teller and cut across your shirt and bra before throwing the knife away and latching onto your now freed hard nipple. It took everything within you to not come undone then and there. "And then you touch me and almost make me cum in my pants even though you want it so much, don't you?" He rolled his hips against yours once, against the powerful bundle of nerves.
"I can't help it", you replied breathlessly, "I ā fuck ā I need you".
His tongue circled your nipple. "Hmm... use your words. Where do you need me? I'll make you feel better" The shadows snaked up your legs now and smoothly pulled off your pants, leaving only your panties that were so wet the fabric clung to you like a second skin. Azriel kissed all over your breasts. "Here?" You shook your head. His kisses wandered further down, stopping near your bellybutton. "Here?". Vehemently, you shook your head again. "Hmm... where else?", he teased. You wanted to grab him and lead him, but the shadows wouldn't let you. Azriel chuckled softly and his mouth moved down again, agonizingly slowly towards where you needed him most. Your body was ablaze, writhing against the shadows that bound you. At the seam of your panties he stopped, breathing you in. "Gods, you smell divine". A hungry expression grazed his eyes. His nose pressed into your clothed crotch and he inhaled deeply, groaning. Azriel pressed a kiss right there, making you keen. "Do you need me here?".
A shadow caressed your cheek lightly. "Yes, right there". A wicked gleam showed in his eyes. He pressed a kiss to your still clothed sex that had you chasing his touch. You could only see his dark hair when he kissed your thighs, higher and higher, until he reached delicate skin next to your panties, soaked with arousal. By now, you were reduced to a whining mess, the only word leaving your mouth his name. You couldn't see what he was doing, your view obscured by his big wings, but the next moment, air hit your cunt and he had a ripped piece of fabric hanging from his grinning lips. Your heart skipped a beat and you moaned out in delight. Azriel had ripped your panties off with his teeth.
Azriel pressed light kisses to your folds, and then licked through them up to your clit in one slow motion.
"So wet for me". And then he ate you like you were his last meal. With deliberate strokes of his tongue, he gathered your moisture and greedily swallowed it all. His tongue dove into your waiting hole, a hand moved up to grasp your breast and with every lick, your mate's nose hit your clit at just the right angle. He was thrusting against the mattress now, you realized wirh a shudder. It was too much.
"Come on my tongue. Let go for me", he panted between licks. He thrust his tongue deeply inside and you came hard, screaming out his name and fell limp to the mattress. He helped you ride out your orgasm, drinking up every drop of moisture. Waves of pleasure crashed over you, but the pain in your womb hadn't receded. If anything the searing ache had only intensified.
"You're so pretty when you cum". Azriel kissed you softly on your lips and this small affection had you arching up against him again.
"Fuck, Az. I need more of you"
Calloused fingers ghosted against your clit and then slipped downwards, circling your entrance.
"My pretty girl can take another one, can't you? For making a fool out of me infront of Rhys". But he didn't look angry at all with his wide smile and blown out pupils as two fingers slipped inside you and curled against your walls.
The stretch and the textured feeling of his scarred fingers was oh so welcome and you greedily leaned into him, but it just wasn't enough. It just wasn't his rock-hard cock that lay against your thigh now, promising pleasure beyond anything you had ever felt.
You stroked lightly against the shadows binding you to the bed. They purred at your touch, turned soft and pliant. Enough so that they allowed you to move. Without wasting precious time, your hand shot out and stroked his wing, found the big vein right next to the main bone. Azriel shuddered above you and dropped his head onto your chest, his hand stilled within you. Slowly, you traced the vein and then the strong tendons next to it. His wing was limp in your hands, dropping half-opened to the bed and Azriel collapsed on top of you. He groaned deeply into your neck, making your toes curl and you nearly came from the sound alone. He humped against your leg, his cock now so hard it was throbbing through his pants, desperate for any friction. Another light touch of your fingertips against the delicate membrane and he bit your neck softly, growling.
Cold air whipped over your arm and ripped it off his wing, bringing it back to its original position. Azriel shot up and knelt over you and you couldn't help the whine that escaped you at the loss of contact.
"You can play later. For as long as you want", his chest was moving rapidly with his strained breaths, "but not yet"
"I can't help it. I need to feel you and touch you. I need your cock inside me and ā"
He ripped his pants off, freeing his hard length that slapped against his abdomen. Its head was an angry shade of red, leaking precum all over. His veins stood out prominently against the soft skin and you swore it pulsed harder the more you looked at it. The ache inside you intensified, saliva pooled in your mouth and you were sure if you didn't get him inside you right now you'd die.
"I wanted to prepare you for me". He was shaking, restraining himself from taking you right then and there. His eyes wandered down to your waiting cunt, clenching and dripping around nothing, and the look on his face became predatory. "Do you think you're ready for me?" It was laughable, the way you thrashed against his shadows, your arousal so evident in the wetness pooling between your thighs and the hunger for his cock. You felt painfully empty, an ache deep inside you that you knew only he could cure.
"Please. Fuck me already. I need you, please", you whined. And the last sliver of your sanity went flying out of the window at your begging.
He was above you again so fast you didn't even see his movement. His hot tip slid through your folds, nudging against your clit in a deliciously devastating way that had you seeing stars. Azriel coated himself in your wetness and then stopped, his tip right at your entrance. You bucked your hips forward in annoyance, but he held you in place firmly.
There was little restraint left in his voice when he asked: "How do you want it?". The big wings at his back were trembling.
What a stupid fucking question. "Hard"
You didn't need to tell him twice. With a fast movement, he entered you and pushed all the way inside in one hard thrust. Azriel's eyes rolled back and you cried out in ecstasy. The way he filled you so completely, stretching you with a delicious burn around his hard length made the need for him even worse.
"So wet and ready for me. You take me so well", he whispered and thrust hard once. You tugged at the shadows again, but they wouldn't budge this time. "Such a needy little princess". Another thrust, hitting a spot that made you see stars. "I love the way you feel around me. Always so perfect". His eyes darkened as he looked down upon your naked body. "Hold on tight". He grabbed one of your legs and spread you wider, allowing him to settle even deeper inside you, taking your breath away. And then he fucked you roughly into the mattress. He set a rough and punishing pace, his hands wrapped so tight around your waist they would leave bruises. His cock hit all the right spots inside you and every thought except for him left your mind.
The moans that escaped you were beyond shameless. Again and again, you tried to arch up into him, but the shadows wouldn't let you. Your eyes met his and the love he put into this look was enough to send you ober the edge, crying out his name.
He stopped inside you without pulling out. "Do you feel better?". All you could register was the hard length still buried inside you up to his balls, throbbing and twitching. You shook your head.
"No? What more does my princess need?". Azriel's mouth latched back onto your breast, sucking and kissing the hardened nub and you felt yourself getting impossibly wetter by the second. "I need ā fuck ā I need ā your ā cum", you gasped with each flick of his tongue.
A deep groan sounded from him and it was music in your ears.
"Want me to come inside you? Fill you up with my seed?". He pressed a hand to your abdomen, right were he was nestled inside you and you bucked your hips against him.
"Yes. Please ā don't pull out"
Azriel dropped down on you again with almost all his weight. It was pure torture having him so close and not being able to touch him.
"Breed me, Az"
Something inside him snapped at your words. He started moving again, thrusting harder and faster than before. Moans escaped his lips, mingling with your own.
The shadows relaxed their pull around you. You flung your legs around his waist, allowing him to go in even deeper. And your hands shot up straight to his bag, fingers clawing at his hard muscles. Azriel growled deeply into your ear.
"Want me to breed you?"
"Yes", you moaned, nodding frantically. He was almost there, his thrusts grew sloppy and impatient. The throbbing of his cock against your cervix the most beautiful thing you had ever felt.
"See how deep I am?" The fingers of his hand pressed to your abdomen flexed right where a bulge formed with every thrust. All you could do was nod weakly, your eyes rolling back. "Feels so good"
"This cock is yours". Your hands threaded into his hair and pulled him down to your lips. Shadows flew down to your clit and started nipping at it. "My seed is yours", he whispered against your lips.
With a strong twitch, he came inside you, hot ropes of his thick cum spurted out of him, right where you needed it the most. There was a lot of it, warmth spreading deep inside you. He kept moving, his cum squelching obscenely and the feeling of him and his seed right against your womb, the shadows working your clit perfectly, had you convulsing around him in a hard climax.
Azriel buried his face in the crook of your neck. The mating bond between you glowed in a familiar light and you felt the love radiating off him.
"Did I hurt you, baby?", he asked breathlessly.
"No. I loved it". You shuddered. There was semen dripping out of you now and you hated every drop that was wasted.
"Do you feel better?"
He tried to withdraw, but you kept him from escaping by pulling him further in with your legs around his hips.
"Not enough", you complained, out of breath, "need more of you". The burning inside your womb had died down by a fraction, but you weren't satisfied yet. Your body needed more of him, even though you could already feel him softening inside you.
"You're insatiable. Like a desperate little slut, begging for my cock to fill you up".
Azriel's lips found your neck, licking, kissing and biting until you were reduced to a whining mess below him again.
"Wait a bit, I'm not ready to go again"
But you couldn't wait. He let you roll him over onto his back with you sitting astride him. Azriel's hands gripped your hips and there was nothing but love in his gaze. Cum ran out of your cunt and dripped into his short pubic hair, onto his thighs and the sheets. Your pussy pulsed at the sight.
You dipped your fingers into his cum and brought it to your mouth to taste him. The slightly salty aroma made you moan on your fingers. And Gods, he was so sexy below you, his chest still glistening with sweat, the illyrian tattoo and his toned abs, the absolutely fucked-out look on his face. You knew exactly what to do.
Both of your hands found his neatly folded wings. You stroked all over the membranes, unfolded the wings to reach the better hidden spots that he loved the most. And he just let you.
He grew harder inside you by the second. Not long, and you were circling your hips, sliding slowly up and down his cock, slick with arousal and cum.
You got off on the sight of him, completely at your mercy. With each deliberate touch of yours, his wings trembled under your fingertips and his cock throbbed inside you.
"You're so hot like this", you gasped as you rode him slowly, "I want to fuck you until your balls are empty and I'm full of you".
You brushed against the main veins of his wings. A full-body shudder went through him, his gaze turned clear, and the next moment, he had you face down, ass up in the air and entered you from behind, making you scream.
"Fuck, that's better", he groaned, "Didn't I say it's time for wings later?". You only mewled, the new angle bringing a foreign stretch and deep penetration.
You were close to orgasm again
"But my girl needs more of my seed, right? You need to milk me dry?". He underlined his words with a deep roll of his hips and then stilled, his hands at your hips to keep you from bucking your hips back at him.
The words tumbled from your lips like a prayer. "Fuck yes. Please, Az"
With one sharp movement, he started pistoning in and out of you again, his balls slapping rhythmically against your clit.
"You're perfect like this, taking me so well".
His pace was relentless, each thrust shoving you deeper into the pillows.
"Come for me again, love". Azriel's fingers found your clit, rubbing slow circles. Your climax ripped through you with a force that had you screaming his name. You clenched around him trembling.
One more thrust, until he was buried deeply inside you, his tip nestled directly against your cervix, and he found his release with a roar that had the bed shaking. Warmth spread inside you once again, straight to were you needed it.
He pressed a kiss to your back and pulled out of you. A small river of his cum trickled down your thighs. Your pussy felt sore, but the ache was gone and so was the fog in your mind.
Azriel pulled you tightly against him, laying down.
He pressed a kiss to your forehead. "Is it better now?".
A blush crept over your cheeks at the thought of how wanton you had been only minutes ago. The things you had said, for Cauldron's sake. You hoped Rhys and Feyre had at least left the house before you started. There was no way you'd be able to look anyone into the eye again if they'd heard that. Not to mention the embarrassment you felt towards your mate. The way you had begged for his cum.
"Yes. Is it over now?"
A grin settled on his face. "If you're lucky, it'll be over in a few days".
You hid your face in your hands. "A few days? Oh Gods, I'm so sorry for how I behaved. For what I said. That was so ā" Embarrassing? Humiliating? Shameful?
"That was really hot", he said softly and took your hands off your face, "that was probably the best sex I've ever had and, judging by the sounds you made ā" you wanted to die on the spot "ā and how you begged for more, I think you liked it too. Nothing to be ashamed of. It's instinct, you can't control it". A peck on your nose had you smiling again.
"I know, but still". He stared at you, disbelieving. "Okay, fine. I loved it. And it doesn't sound too bad to have you fucking me like that for the next couple of days"
summary: it's your first time having your period after turning into a fae and Azriel comforts you.
warnings: (period) blood
A/N: Just a short little drabble. It's that time of the month and I wish I had an Azriel to cuddle the pain away. But I don't. So I pretend I do. (That sounds really pathetic, forget that I said that)
Being a high fae had its perks. Near eternal life with Azriel, magical powers beyond human comprehension, the fact that your mate had the biggest wingspan of all illyrians... you particularly thanked the Mother for the last one. What you definitely weren't thankful for after you were made a fae was the cycle.
After a few glasses of wine, Feyre had once taken you aside and told you that things would be different in this body. She hadn't had the grace to mention exactly what would be different besides only having your period twice a year. She'd pay for that once you'd be able to get out of bed again.
Because, for some reason, what she hadn't told you about was the excruciating, mind-numbing pain that was ripping your stomach open from within.
Azriel had left at the crack of dawn, leaving you in bed. You had awoken to a cramp so strong you were sure something was ripping your body open. Getting up was impossible, so you had stayed in bed all day.
"Hi, beautiful". Azriel stepped into your shared bedroom and closed the door. You only managed a groan of acknowledgment. Cramps tore through you and a throbbing headache was forming at your temples. The shadows around him stilled. He came closer, frowning. "Is everything alright?". You nodded, but he didn't seem convinced. With long strides Azriel came up to you, eying you closely. And then he inhaled. "Gods, you're bleeding, Y/N. A lot. What happened?". Azriel's shadows escaped the his control and they swirled all around you in search of a wound. Of course they didn't find one. His gaze turned panicked and he reached out to you.
"It hurts so much", you whimpered.
And the night court's spymaster, fuel for many nightmares, feared warrior and shadowsinger, dropped to his knees at your side of the bed and stared at you in horror. He pulled the blankets off the bed in a haste, his eyes darting over your body. "Where are you hurt?". Azriel's scarred hand came up to your face and tucked a stray strand of hair behind your ear, away from your sweaty forehead. His jaw was clenched, his wings twitching, but his eyes were soft.
"It's nothing really-" As if punishing you for your words, a strong cramp tore through your abdomen like a knife stabbing into you and twisting, tearing out the flesh. Groaning, you curled in on yourself, shaking.
"This is it, I'll take you to a healer". Azriel got up and held a hand to your forehead. It was nice and chilly against your skin and you sighed at his touch. His shadows and your pain alike clouded your view of him, but you could've sworn he was muttering something to his shadows under his breath. You only understood snippets of it. Fever. Hurt. Blood. But where?
"Don't take me to a healer". You forced yourself into a semi-upright position and Azriel immediately tried to push you down into the covers again. "Az, I'm on my period"
"Oh, thank the Mother", you thought he said before dropping his face into his hands. And then: "I thought you were dying".
A smile tugged at the corners of your lips. "It sure as hell feels like it"
Before you could protest, he quickly unlaced his boots and took off his leathers before pulling back the covers.
"I'm sorry, I bled on the sheet", you weakly excused the red stains.
Azriel didn't even look. "I don't care", he huffed and lay down next to you. Strong arms snaked around your waist and lightly caressed your abdomen.
"My poor darling". Warm lips found your cheek. "Why didn't you call for me?".
"I didn't want to keep you from work"
"That's bullshit". Azriel rubbed your belly. "You're in pain and I wasn't there for you". He frowned into your shoulder.
"But now you're here", you sighed and curled into him.
"How can I help you?", Azriel breathed against your throat, "tell me how to take the pain away". His fingers splayed over your stomach and he pressed a kiss to your temple.
"A bath", you whispered, "warmth used to help before". As a human. You had no idea if it would help now.
"Hm... I think I heard about that", he murmured. "Let's get you to the bathtub". All of a sudden, the warmth of his body against yours disappeared.
"Come back to bed", you whined, "I reconsidered. I only need you". A light chuckle from your mate. Then, without asking, he swept you up into his strong arms. "Later".
Azriel carried you into the bathroom adjacent to your bedroom and carefully sat you down onto the rim of the big bathtub. "Can you undress or do you need help?", he asked while running the water and checking its temperature. Your lower back protested as you stood up and were met with a sharp stab of cramps that had you doubling over. The only thing that kept you from crashing onto the floor was Azriel, whose arm you were clutching for support.
"I can do this. Don't worry, this is hardly the first time I'm bleeding". Concern was etched into his features. Azriel's eyes narrowed as he took in the state you were in.
"It is your first fae period. I heard it doesn't compare at all".
"It's fine, really". He observed your movements as you went to pull off your shirt and slightly relaxed when you didn't almost fall over again.
"I'll be back in a minute". He pressed a kiss to your head and left.
The water was just the right temperature. Its warmth felt heavenly against your abdomen. It didn't quite take away the pain, but made it bearable. You closed your eyes and sighed.
Long fingers threaded through your wet hair. "Is that good?". You hummed in agreement.
"Thank you".
"That's the least I can do". Shampoo pooled on the crown of your head and Azriel's big hands started working it into your scalp. "I'd do anything to make you feel better". He said it so earnestly, but the bond between you glowed like molten gold. You'd never be able to put into words just how much you loved him.
He lightly massaged your head and you couldn't help but lean into his touch. "I love you. So much", you hummed.
Azriel helped you out of the tub soon after and helped you into fresh clothes before carrying you back to bed.
Fresh sheets greeted you, as well as a hot water bottle. "I'm really sorry about the sheets", you stated in embarrassment. Not only had he seen them, lain in them, he had also changed them for you without batting an eye.
"I've fought many battles. A little blood is nothing I'm not used to", he stated matter-of-factly. As if he hadn't even thought about it like that.
You curled up against him again immediately. "Next time, use the bond. I don't want you to be in pain alone"
A week later
"Hey Y/N, better already?". Cassian stood in the hallway of Rhys's townhouse, a glass of wine in hand. You were early for dinner.
"You try losing half your blood in a week. Then we can talk", you spat. Azriel next to you took your hand, grounding you.
"Really, Cass, you don't get a say in this". Mor appeared behind him, smiling softly at you. "I'm glad you're better".
"Would've been easier if I had known what to expect", you responded, but your words had no bite to them. Azriel tugged lightly at your hand and led you into the living room.
"I hope she told you about fae ovulation". You whirled around to Cassian, perplexed.
"What are you talking about? What ā what do you mean?". But Cassian only laughed. You turned to Azriel. His neck and ears were turning red and his shadows clung so tightly to him you were sure he wanted to disappear from the face of the earth right there.
"Oh honey, you're in for a ride", Cassian cackled.
Here's an idea for a Azriel x reader fanfic if you're interested! Azriels mate is pregnant and she is a cauldron made high fae. While he's away on a mission. She is taken by his half brothers and put in the cell he spent the early years of his life. Azriel must go rescue her. We love a protective azriel
no grave (can hold my body down)
Azriel x reader
summary: shortly after you find out you're pregnant with Azriel's baby, two illyrians kidnap you on a mission. But it turns out they're not strangers, after all.
genre: angst, (a bit of fluff) | words: 4.3k | masterlist
A/N: Thanks for the idea, anon! Funny enough, I was thinking about opening requests again when this came in (I'll update you on that soon). I really hope you like it ;)
It was a routine mission, nothing more. A quick trip to the illyrian steppes to gather healing herbs, at your own request. To free your head. You had done this countless times, winnow in, pick herbs, winnow out. But not this time.
You were crouched in a meadow, trying to identify the many plants. Every now and then, you pulled out a little booklet with descriptions of the herbs you were looking for, comparing them. But your mind was elsewhere. This morning, Madja had visited you, after weeks of feeling unwell, vomiting and utter exhaustion. Her beaming smile, the wrinkles forming in the corners of her eye, had been a shock, much like her words. You're pregnant, dear.
Pregnant. And instead of being excited, you had felt sick to your stomach and immediately fled from Velaris before Azriel returned from his own mission. And here you were now. It wasn't that you didn't want this baby, or that you were scared Azriel would be anything but elated. But it would change your lives so drastically, so suddenly.
You quietly hummed a sweet melody to yourself. What would he say? What would you do?
Over your song, you didn't hear the birds stop chirping and the wind stilling. Lost in thought, you kept hacking away at the plants before you.
"Who do we have here?". You stilled and then turned, drawing your knife.
It was Azriel standing before you, your beautiful mate. You let your knife sink. His big wings were folded against his back, his soft dark hair blowing in the breeze. You opened your mouth in surprise. He stepped closer. "If that isn't little Y/N".
Why was he here? Why was he talking like this? He was unlike himself, but you couldn't quite make it out. Something about him was different, you mused. Your gaze wandered over him, trying to understand. The wind stilled, and then you saw it. There were no shadows. And the hand, hovering over the knife, that wasn't truth-teller, was unmarked.
You bolted, dropping the pouch you had gathered the herbs in. That had been the first lection Azriel had ever given you. Run. Bring as much distance between you and the opponent as you can and then winnow.
Five steps. That was how far you got, because right before you, another illyrian dropped from the sky. He looked less like Azriel, but the similarity was still startling. So much that you lost a precious second staring at him. A second he used to grab your arms in place and throw away your knife. And he blew something into your face, a kind of powder that left a heavy metallic tang in your nostrils. Faebane. Strong hands gripped you by your neck from behind.
"My favorite sister in law", Azriel's brother before you crooned, "what a shame the invitations for the mating ceremony got lost. I would've loved to see the bastard-union". The faebane burned in your nose and in your mouth. The grip of the male behind you was so strong around your neck that you were fighting for each intake of breath, trying to cough out as much of the poison as possible.
Don't panic, you thought to yourself, fighting to stay composed. You gathered all of your magic, tried to fold the cosmos and step right into the next world. You imagined the old woods and fields of fire-like flowers and gathered all your energy. But the power escaped your grasp. It wasn't enough to winnow. Not to a different world, not to Velaris, not even to the other side of the meadow. The power inside you had dwindled into a small spark.
And the bond. The mating bond inside your chest numbed down, its glow being cast into darkness. You grasped at it, but it escaped your reach. With your last spark of power, you grapped the bond, refused to let go, even when it ran tight and fickle, and tugged. Hard. Harder than ever and only let go when the bond went fully dark.
"You will die". They didn't expect you to fight. The surprise was on your side when you kneed the one in front of you straight in the groin. His eyes widened and the warrior dropped to his knees, but still wouldn't let go. A second kick made him groan, dropping his arms and cursing under his breath. But there was no way you could shrug off the other one, his hands still tight around your neck. Not without the knife. You clawed at his hands, kicked at him, but he was just too big and you were too exhausted. Your cauldron-given powers were stolen from you. Under normal circumstances they would've been dead the second they laid hands on you. Not today.
He was hard against you now. Bile rose up in your throat at the feeling of him rubbing against you. "What a feisty little bitch you are", he whispered into your ear. And then he squeezed your neck hard and the world turned dark.
It was dark around you. A blackness so infinite you couldn't make out your own hand engulfed you. You had no recollection how you got here. The stone floor you lay on was nastily cold and wet, draining any warmth from your body. Any energy from you and the baby. The baby. Your hand shot to your stomach and chains rattled on the floor at the movement. They had shackled you. The cuffs were ice-cold around your wrists and so tight it hurt. A whimper escaped your lips. With soft strokes, you caressed your stomach. How unfair it was for this little baby. In a few weeks, you would start to show, you realized. You forbid yourself imagining what Azriel's brothers would do to your unborn child if they found out.
You sat upright. The chains that bound you to the wall allowed you to move through the cell. You explored every inch of it. There was nothing but cold stone and a bucket to relieve yourself. No door. Not even a window. This was the place Azriel had spent his childhood in, you were sure of it. He seldom talked about this time period. But from what you knew, from what he screamed during his nightmares and afterwards whispered to you, gasping for breath, this was it. Now, often you woke up screaming, too, haunted by dreams of a little winged boy sharing your cell. But you didn't allow yourself to cry. Not once.
Had he even felt the last tug you had given the bond? Azriel was on the continent, as far as you knew. Maybe your magic had been too weak, the distance too far. There was no way of knowing whether he was aware that you were gone. But then again, you tried to console yourself, Rhys knew exactly where you had last been. They will rescue me, you repeated again and again. They will find me.
You couldn't tell how much time had passed already. In the beginning, you screamed and shouted and tugged on the shackles, so hard the skin rubbed away and left a bloody mess. Every now and then, you tried reaching for the bond, for your mate. But it was gone, just like your powers.
The only thing that disturbed the emptiness of the cell was stale bread and water. Sometimes it seemed like not even an hour had passed between meals, sometimes it felt like days. The food was poisoned, you were sure. But, after a few days, hunger won over all else, and you ate the faebane. Everytime you ate, you prayed to the Mother. Not the baby. Let it survive. Don't let the poison affect it.
There was no way to tell the time, not even a sound from outside the cell reached you, but more than a week must have passed before they came to see you. Light broke the dark void. Violent beams of it hit your eyes, blinding you almost entirely after - what? - days? weeks? in the darkness. You had no clue how long you had been here already.
"How is little Y/N?", a deep voice sounded. His face was unrecognizable, so blinded were you, but it was the one you had kicked in the balls, you were fairly certain. His tone was pure mockery. "Tired of this yet?"
You wouldn't give him the pleasure of seeing your distress. "What do you want?"
"See how my little bastard sister in law is doing, of course".
"If you're so concerned for my wellbeing, maybe you shouldn't have put me in a cell"
"No, I think you're exactly where you belong. Where he also belongs". Your heart twisted. Azriel had spent years in this cell. Images of his child-self forced its way into your mind. His hands, freshly burned and torturingly painful. His wings, useless and limp because they had never taught him to use them. You slowly breathed in. Now you needed to be strong for all three of you. Not despair.
"Let me go. I haven't done anything to you. I don't even know you. Let me out"
"You're right. But word says not only the Archeron sisters came out of the Cauldron and took something from it. That when you were made you bargained with the Mother herself and she loved you so much she gave you a power like no other". Your blood ran cold. Thoughts of the day you came out of the Cauldron swirled through your head. Azriel's face as he watched in horror, half-dead. The bond snapping immediately. The Mother. The gift.
"What do you want?"
"I'm here to offer a bargain myself". You didn't answer. It was clear what he wanted.
He tried once again. "What is it that the cauldron gifted you? That has the high lord make the mountains shake in rage at your disappearance?". Finally, you could make out his face. You studied him quietly. His face was twisted into a sneer, eyes dead. There was no empathy in his gaze, no sign of remorse. And it didn't seem to occur to him that Rhys would always go to the end of the world to rescue his brother's mate, no matter their power.
You stilled, thinking. He didn't even know what powers you possessed exactly. Was it all an act of speculation?
He grabbed you by your hair, forcing you to look him in the eye. His grip was so strong it brought tears to your eyes. "Answer me, bitch"
"Maybe you should've investigated on my powers before throwing me in your little dungeon", you hissed. He dropped your head immediately. His big hand met your face with a thundering bang, so hard the back of your head met the stone wall with a sickening thud. A pained gasp left your lips. Your cheek burned where he had striked and your skull. Your skull was ringing, throbbing so hard you saw stars and a wet patch formed at the back of it. Hot, blazing pain killed every thought in your head but one. Not the baby.
"All talk, no bite", he chuckled and kneeled down before you. "Let me get this straight. You service me and my brother with your power and in exchange you get to leave the cell". It was such a shitty bargain, under normal circumstances you would've laughed. But all you could do was sob at the pain blooming in your skull, the sounds of it ricocheting off the walls.
Another voice, right at the trap door. The other brother. "Try not to kill her"
The male before you retreated.
"Leave her. She will come to her senses soon".
They left you there, bleeding on the floor. No healer came. The wound stopped bleeding after a while, but the throbbing pain remained. You drifted in and out of sleep, only awake long enough to retch up the little food you got. You would never return home. Azriel would never get to meet his child, not even know he was a father.
He came back regularly. Each time, he offered the same bargain. Each time, you refused a little less violently.
"Tell me about your powers", he would demand again and again. And you would shake your head until he hit and kicked you, until you were a sobbing mess on floor of the cell. But you didn't tell him.
Until, one day, the other one came. The one with the predatory glint in his eye, the one who had gotten hard at your tries to get away from him. He was so tall he had to crouch before you. And when he threatened to touch you, when he whispered into the darkness how he would use you, you had broken down. The words had spilled out of you like your tears and for a moment you were scared he would touch you anyways. I can winnow between worlds. But he only grinned and left. He had what he wanted. The next time he'd ask, he knew you'd accept whatever bargain he would offer.
That night, the darkness around you felt different. It wasn't empty. Something was watching you. You tried to ignore it, to simply fall asleep, but its presence made it impossible. So, you searched every inch of the cell. On hands and knees you crept through the small room, trying to find whatever it was. You found nothing but cold hard stone. But it was there. Everywhere. And when you finally closed your eyes again and laid your head against the cold stone, the darkness became a thing. And you could have sworn it sung a lullaby to you, in the language of the wind.
The trap door swung open once again. Blazing Light blinded you and you could barely make out a tall illyrian landing before you. He was too big for this cell. His wings scraped against the walls on both sides, and his head was ducked low as to not bump into the ceiling.
You scurried away from him, using your hands on the wall to guide you into the farthest corner. Inside you, your heart hammered against your ribs. This was it. He'd force you into the bargain.
The male extended a hand to you. You couldn't see more than his outlines, so blinding was the light. "Y/N, it's me".
You bared your teeth at the male and hissed. "I'll do what you want but if you touch me one more time, I'll fucking kill you".
A sharp intake of breath. "I'll get you out of here, Y/N. Please. It's me, Azriel". His tone was pleading, his voice oh so familiar. But it couldn't be him. Just another one of their tricks to get you to comply.
You dropped your head against the cold stone. "At least make it quick this time", you mumbled.
The male crouched down before you. Slowly, your eyes adapted to the light and you could make out his features. He looked like your mate. The golden specks in his hazel eyes, the dark locks of hair. But then again, his brothers looked so similar. It must have been wishful thinking. A trick of the light.
"I'm here to bring you home", he whispered, his voice breaking. Soft tendrils of air swirled over your shackled wrists, tugging at the cuffs. Dark and silky, kissing your raw skin where you had rubbed it open trying to free yourself. The male's hands met your face, stroking your cheeks. Scarred hands, wiping away tears that were running from your eyes.
Your head snapped up. "Azriel". It was more an outcry than anything, strangled and barely understandable. You flung yourself at him, as far as the confines allowed.
"Shhh, I'm here, I'm here. We're going home. Everything will be okay". Another figure appeared behind him and the shackles dissolved into thin air. Azriel was all over you in an instant. His strong hands roamed your body, pressed you tightly against him as if to never let you go again. You sobbed into his shoulder. He had come for you. He had saved you. "It's over. It's over. You have been so strong", Azriel whispered to you. He pressed a kiss to your temple and threaded his hand into your hair, where he met-
"Ow", you sobbed harder as he touched the wound. Azriel's hands immediately let go and curled aaround your shoulders instead.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry they did this to you".
"Get her out, Cass and I will handle the rest", the other person said. You had almost forgotten about him. Rhysand, you registered. Azriel picked you up, your limbs curling around his strong body. Your face buried into the crook of his neck, still whimpering against his shoulder. But it were tears of joy. His wings closed in around you immediately.
"No. I want to see the light leave their eyes for what they have done to my mate". His tone was cold, unyielding. So unlike the soft hand stroking your back, the nose buried in your hair, breathing in your scent deeply.
"Then I will keep them alive. But first, you leave. Now".
He stepped through the wind with you in his arms. You didn't feel it in his tight embrace, but he must have winnowed because moments later he sat down on your bed with you on his lap. His wings folded around you half-way, so that light could still come through. The familiarity of the sight took your breath away. You'd thought you would never be with him like this again.
"You're at home", Azriel whispered to you. "It's okay, we're at home". Strangled sounds filled the room, sobs and whines and only when his rough hands stroked your back and he told you to breathe, you realized you were crying and you were making the sounds.
"My love, I've got you. You're safe here". You forced yourself to breathe and dropped your head to his chest.
"Shh, I'm here. They can't hurt you anymore". Azriel kissed your head. You counted his breaths, trying to mimic them, In ā out ā in ā out, and took in his scent of night-chilled air and cedar.
You didn't know how long you stayed this way until you could breathe again and stopped sobbing. Only then did you realize what had happened.
"I thought I'd never see you again", you forced out. Tears were welling up in your eyes again, but you willed them away.
For a while, you only stared at him, marveling his beauty. The way the sun illuminated the gold and emerald streaks in his eyes. His hair that was already a bit too long for his liking and fell into his forehead. The gloriously full lips you loved so much. How could you have ever mistaken your captors for your mate?
"How did you find me?", you finally asked with a hoarse voice.
"I felt the bond". Azriel nearly choked on his words. "That last tug ā and then it went dark and I thought I had lost you". A tear rolled down his cheek and you tightened your grasp around his waist. "We searched the steppes for you, but there was nothing. And then, last night... my shadows called out to me. Across the entire court". The darkness singing a song to you, the thing in the night. You hadn't made it up.
You stared at him in awe. "How?". They never strayed far from him.
"I send them into every corner of Prythian and... it had been so long and I didn't think they'd find you. But then they were called to where they came from". He dropped his face onto the crown of your head and pressed a kiss to it.
"It was so dark in there". Your breath hitched at the thought of the cell. Lightly, you rubbed over the scabs at your wrists behind his back. "And I was so alone. Until I wasn't"
"What do you mean?"
"Something was there - it... it watched me. And then it turned into something else. And sang me to sleep." Realization hit you. "I think that were your shadows".
"Was that... was that what it was like for you as well? When you were in that cell? I thought about you every second, how you spent your childhood in there and..." He frowned.
His gaze was very far away, centuries ago. "It was the same. Only that nobody came for me". HIs eyes met yours and turned soft at the pain that was painted on your face. "I'll tell you all about it. In a while, when you feel better".
You laid your head onto his shoulders again and held onto him. You weren't quite sure who was comforting who now. Maybe you found solace in each other, through the hardhips you had shared.
But there was something else you shared. Someone.
You drew back slightly and locked eyes with him again. "I was so scared, Az. I thought I'd never see you again". You grasped his hand and laid it on your stomach. The anxiety you had felt the morning you had found out about the pregnancy was all gone. "I thought I'd die and you'd never even know that you are a dad".
His eyes widened in surprise. "What?"
"That day, Madja came to see me and told me. That's why I went to the steppes, to free my head and think before telling you". Tears ran down your cheeks again now. "I wish I had just stayed home and wited for you to return", you weeped.
"You're pregnant?" There were tears pooling in his eyes as well. "My Y/N. My mate. Thinking I had lost you was the worst I've ever felt. But to think I could've lost both of you, without even knowing...". Azriel broke off and pulled you into a tight hug, his hands shaking.
He took your face in his hands and kissed away the tears.
"Are you happy, Az?". Your voice was barely a whisper.
"I couldn't be happier now that I have you back. And I couldn't be happier about our baby". Azriel's lips met yours in a soft caress. He tasted like home.
You didn't leave the bed all day. You stayed with him, curled underneath the covers. Azriel kissed away the pain and held your hand when Madja came to check on the baby and your head. You both were healthy, thank the Mother. And when Madja was gone, Azriel wrapped you in his arms and wings and never let go. He didn't urge you to talk any more about what had happened. Maybe the frail wisps of midnight air that circled around you now had told him everything already.
"I will kill them for what they did to you", Azriel whispered after he had made love to you slowly. Your naked limbs were still tangled with his, his entire body splayed over you, as if shielding you from the outside world.
Your breath hitched in your chest and Azriel planted a soft kiss on your jaw.
"No". His entire body turned rigid and he rolled off you without letting go.
"Why no? Y/N, I can't let them live after what they did", he murmured, kissing up your cheek, "I wasn't there to protect you. This is the only way I can make up for what happened".
Your hug around him grew tighter. "It's not your fault. I reacted too late. There is no debt to pay me, Az. And even if there was, you would've paid it back the moment you brought me home". Your hands threaded into his hair.
Azriel buried his face in your neck and his shadows stroked your cheek. "Please. I will never forgive myself for leaving you both unprotected. Please let me make it up to you. To the baby. If you were any other male's mate, if you were Cassian's mate or Rhys's they wouldn't have done this to you. It's because of me".
He meant it. Your heart dropped at the realization. He thought he was responsible.
"It's not your fault, none of this"
He wanted to interrupt you, but you didn't let him. "Not for this and not for what they did to you as a child. I don't want you to kill them for me. At least not only for me. I want you to kill them for what they did to you as well"
He stilled for a moment and then nodded slowly. "I can live with that".
"Good". You closed your eyes and soaked up his warmth. There was no other way you wanted to spend your future with him. You'd die a happy death in a thousand years if all you did until then was lay in bed next to your mate.
A wisp of air circled around your wrist, darted over chest and pooled over your stomach where it stayed, humming.
"It's yours now", Azriel murmured into your hair, "that's the one that found you. It told me it won't leave your side again".
Your fingers threaded through the shadowy tendrils and you could've sworn they purred at your touch.
"And I will also never leave your side", he whispered before his lips met yours.
summary: your back hurts from training. Luckily, Azriel knows exactly how to make you feel better.
warnings: 18+, smut, p in v, creampie, (unconventional use of a knife?), minors dni
words: 1.6k | masterlist
A/N: Yeah, so I think this is... definitely something. Not my proudest moment. I could use a back massage is all I'm saying *cough*
smut below the cut! only proceed if you're 18+
___________________________________________
Cassian was in dire need of an ass-kicking. You could barely move as you got ready for bed, each muscle in your body protesting. The illyrian hadn't held back during training with you today. When he had dismissed you, you had barely been able to stand straight anymore. Maybe your mate, Azriel, would avenge you tomorrow.
Groaning, you flopped face first down onto the bed. If it felt this bad already, tomorrow you wouldn't be able to get up.
The door to your room creaked open. "My love, is everything alright?", the voice of your mate sounded. Slowly, you moved to turn your head, but were met with a sharp pain that shot through your neck and shoulders. So, you let your head fall into the pillows again.
"It hurts", you mumbled.
The change in Azriel's tone was instantaneous. "Where are you hurt? What happened?". Shadows lapped at your ankles and wrists, moving across your limbs in search of a wound.
"My back, mostly. Cassian. Training. OW", you hissed, as strong hands met your knotted muscles.
"Sorry"
"He's such a pain in the ass"
His rubbed slow circles over your back. "Hmm...seems like someone is in need of a back massage". Azriel underlined his offer with a deep rub over your shoulders.
"How could I say no to your hands on me?"
He pressed a soft kiss to your head, smiling. "I'll be right there".
From your awkward position, you could see out of the corner of your eye how he started unbuckling his leathers. Azriel's movements were skilled and fast and then he stood there, shirtless. He stretched his back and flared his wings. The muscles in his back rippled at the movement. A shudder went through you when he turned around, his eyes glinting mischievously.
Your eyes were glued to his toned abs, wandering slowly downwards, to the prominent V pointing further down and you couldn't help but think about what was hidden by his pants.
"Like what you see, huh?", he teased and pulled a t-shirt over his head, keeping the flaps for his wings open.
"Hm... guilty as charged".
Azriel went out of your field of vision. You could hear him rummaging through your drawer.
In an instant, he was back, warm hands finding their way back onto you.They stroked up your back, burying into your hair. Then, soft lips found the back of your neck.
"Take the shirt off", he murmured against your skin.
"Can't, hurts too much"
"My poor darling". You could almost hear the smirk in his voice. "Then I hope you're not too fond of it". He grabbed something off the nightstand, just out of your view and suddenly cold air hit your exposed back.
"Did you just cut off my shirt?"
Azriel just chuckled lightly. "Well, how else would I get it off?". Your toes curled at the thought of him using truth-teller to unclothe you. He would have to repeat that so you could see him doing it.
Azriel knelt over you, his thighs brushing yours. His lips kissed a trail down your naked back, fingers caressing your sides. Your breath hitched in your chest when he got to the waistband of your pants.
Azriel stopped immediately, making you whine at the loss of contact.
"Sorry, I got a little carried away".
Oil pooled onto your back, smelling of herbs and the sun. His hand met your back again. At the beginning of your relationship he had been very self-conscious about his scars, but now he couldn't keep his hands off you.
Azriel started working the oil into your skin expertly, rubbing and kneading the strained muscles gently. You leaned into his touch. His hands felt so good on you. You couldn't help but think about how good they felt on other body parts.
They traveled to your shoulders, meeting a particularly hard knot. At the first painful contact, you gasped. He let go in an instant and replaced his hands with his lips. "Sorry, darling", he whispered and pressed a kiss to the point.
"It's okay. Go on, please. It already feels better".
He resumed his movements, this time even gentler. Slowly, he relaxed the knot, working in small circles. Until all tension left the muscle and you moaned out from the relief, leaning up into his hands.
"Feels good?". He was a little breathless.
"Yes", you breathed, "thank you". You wanted to lie back down, but then you felt him. Hard, against your thigh. A little whimper escaped you.
"Az -". You tried to push up further, but were met with another sharp pain from the side of your back he hadn't worked on yet.
"Lie down", he whispered, "I'm not done yet".
"But I'm done". Your words were muffled through the pillows.
"I'm not fucking you while you're in pain". Arousal pooled between your legs, as his hands resumed their work.
"Who said I have to move?". He could very well fuck you in the position you were in right now.
He groaned and dropped his head onto your back. Hot, open-mouthed kisses trailed from your shoulder to your neck. When he met a particularly sensitive point on your neck, you couldn't help but moan his name and arch up against him. He groaned into your ear at the movement. Azriel was hard as steel against you. "You asked for a back massage. That's what you're getting", he whispered in your ear. Before you could grind against him once more, he was gone again, only his hands back in their former position.
"You're such a tease", you gasped.
"The less you complain, the sooner we get to the fun part". The promise in his voice only heightened your arousal.
He continued rubbing your back. Every time he relieved the tension from one of your muscles, he presses a hot kiss to it. Azriel was thorough in his work, leaving no part of your back untouched. You only made it through because you knew he'd only hold his promise if you'd let him finish the massage. By the time he was done, you were a whimpering mess, unable to think further than the hard length of his hidden underneath his pants. You felt painfully empty.
"Az... please", you gasped, as his mouth kissed the place where your last tense muscle had been, right at the base of your back.
"Hmm... you were so good for me", he murmured. Azriel's fingers hooked underneath your waistband. You needed him, now.
"Please", you begged, "I need you inside me". A low growl left his lips. He ripped your pants down and cold air hit your pussy, clenching around nothing. Shadows raced to your wrists, pinning you down. A finger trailed through your wetness to your swollen clit. "Gods, you're so wet for me", he groaned into your hair. You arched up again, chasing his touch, but his hand was gone again. Before you could protest, his hard, throbbing length took its place, nudging against your waiting hole. You writhed in anticipation, breath hitching.
"You'll be the death of me", he sighed and pushed inside you in one single thrust. When he was fully seated, you llet loose a loud moan, eyes fluttering close, your whole body trembling with need. It felt delicious, being filled to the brim with him, the sheer size of him burning slightly and filling the painful emptiness.
His hips rolled once teasingly, making you gasp sharply. "Fuck. You take me so well".
"You better... make up... for teasing me... for half an hour", you gasped. He pulled back and pushed inside again slowly, hitting a spot deep inside that made you see stars and arch off the bed. You loudly whined.
He gasped, restraint breaking. "Oh, bet you, I will". At his words, he picked up a rough pace. His cock stroked your walls hard and fast, hitting all the right spots. His hands stayed on your oil-slick back, rubbing and caressing the tender flesh, before finding your hips to hold you in place.
"Fuck, Az", you moaned and clawed your tied hands into the mattress. It was wild, hard and fast. Low moans and groans and the lewd sound of him slamming into you echoed through the room.
His thrusts became sloppier by the second, cock twitching inside you. "You're. so. pecfect. for. me", he gasped between thrusts. Your walls fluttered around him at his words. Azriel dropped onto your back, burying his face in your hair, without slowing his movements. He kissed your neck slowly, breathing hard. It was too much for you. The relentless slam of his hips against yours, paired with him all over you, tasting and sucking at you, threw you over the edge. With a loud outcry, you came hard around him, convulsing with pleasure. You clenched around him and then he came too, spilling his release deep inside you. The deep, growling sound he made had you almost cum again. His hips rolled a couple more times, before he stilled inside you.
Azriel stroked your hair and pressed a kiss to your cheek before pulling out.
You rolled over onto your back, the pain entirely forgotten, and pulled him down into a kiss. It was soft and fill of love and you swore, you could feel his cock stir against you again already.
"Thanks for helping me with my pain"
He smirked. "Anytime"
You looked down. A stream of his seed ran down your thighs, pooling on the bed.
summary: it's the 50th solstice since Rhys was trapped under the mountain. The inner circle lies in shambles, you are close to breaking. Only Azriel still holds on, or so it seems. But keeping the darkness at bay is not easy.
words: 4.9k | masterlist (I might write a part 2 to this)
A/N: I finished re-reading ACOMAF a few days ago and hated how not only Rhys's trauma, but also the effects of him being under the mountain on the inner circle were brushed aside (I get that it's Feyre's POV and they wouldn't burden her etc.). That's why I wrote this. If you or someone you know shows signs of depression, please seek out professional help. You're not alone. <3
Prologue
The first months had been brutal. Upon the initial shock had followed hope and an unfaltering drive to get Rhys back. It had meant work around the clock. Dividing different administrational tasks among the group, trying to find a way through the magic Rhys had bound you to Velaris with, gathering intelligence from all around Prythian. It had meant sleepless nights, shouting at each other and discarding plan after unsuccessful plan. Azriel had worked himself to the brink of collapse, pushing himself further than should be possible. But you had had hope. Rhysand would come back, you had all been sure. There was no time to think differently.
Then had followed frustration and dread. Nothing had worked; you couldn't leave Velaris. Everyone grew restless. The inner circle had fought every day, debating to leave and get him out. But you couldn't. Couldn't go against his orders and leave the city he loved so fiercely to fend for itself.
After frustration came defeat. The deadliest part. You could barely remember anything about these years. Only the void that spread inside you, seeping into every crevice of your mind, tinting and staining every thought until you couldn't remember why you were even here. This was when the nightmares came and never left.
This was also when the drinking started. It was Mor who dragged the inner circle from bar to bar, but then it was Cassian who refused to leave the house and enjoy himself. This was the only time Azriel had started to waver, to yield to the pain. His fervor at work had bordered on masochism ā he was the first at work and the last to leave ā and the guilt of failing his brother ate him alive. None of you slept through the night and Az often came running at your nightmare fueled screams. After a while you didn't bother going to sleep in your own bed anymore. One of you would find their way into the other's bed anyways.
Last came acceptance. There was nothing any of you could do. So you started waiting. And you and the void became one.
"Hand over the wine, Cass". Mor's voice was flat, emotionless. Her face a blank mask.
"Nuh uh, not done yet", Cassian mumbled, taking another swig directly from the half-full bottle.
Without batting an eye, Mor ripped the bottle out of his hands and started drinking, earning herself a low growl from Cassian.
It was the darkest night of the year. Solstice, once again. The fiftieth one without him. Rhys. Even thinking his name left you feeling hollow. You tried not to think about what he was going through under the mountain right now while you were sitting here, safe. The sacrifices he was undoubtedly making every day to keep you away from harm. The thought of it made you nauseous, bile rising up in your throat. Your hands balled into fists at your sides, so hard your fingernails dug sharply into your palms, to distract you from the turmoil inside you. The darkness was lashing out at you, biting and scratching. You tried to ignore it. You wouldn't be the first one to lose it. Not this year. Not during your last solstice.
Fear, raw and savage grasped at you, mixing with the agony that came with the certainty that you would lose everything that was still dear to you within the year. You were grateful for it sometimes, really. Any feeling you still had left, that was not swallowed by the gaping hole inside you, reminded you that you were still here. Alive.
You were gathered in the living room of the House of Wind. Cassian and Mor were sprawled out on the sofa opposite of you, Azriel standing at the window looking into nothingness. His face was just as emotionless as always, only his wings twitched every now and then, a nervous tic he had adopted a few years ago. He had barely spoken tonight. Amren had gone home already. She was hardly around anymore. You couldn't blame her.
The first years after Amarantha had imprisoned Rhys under the mountain, you had celebrated solstice in his townhouse. There was an unspoken hope between all of you that Rhys would come bursting through the door, a smug grin on his face and everything would be back to normal. He never did.
After three years, the five of you began getting blackout drunk on solstice, to forget about everything. After five years, the inner circle had silently decided to celebrate in the House of Wind instead. You couldn't remember when you had last set foot in the townhouse. The thought alone of going back made your skin crawl.
The last 45 years, solstice had been the same. A small meal. Gifts exchanged, fleeting smiles, breaking hearts. Afterwards: drinking to numb the pain, either staying until dawn or everyone fleeing to their own room. Usually, Mor held out the longest.
A pile of gifts lay in the corner. It stayed there always, had gotten bigger and bigger every year, until you'd had to move the furniture to make room for it. They were all unopened, the ones in the back covered in dust. All their tags bore the same name: Rhysand.
They were mostly solstice gifts, but far in the back sat a few lonely birthday presents. The inner circle had stopped celebrating his birthday after a few years, when Cassian, of all people, had broken down at the sight of his birthday cake. Since then, it was just another day for everyone to gather and get drunk. There were lots of days like that now, the closer you got to the dreaded fiftieth anniversary.
"Come on, Mor, give it back to me", Cassian protested. His wings drooped around him, his eyes were clouded. He was different, never his usual happy drunk again from before. A darkness surrounded him on days like this, a sadness so deep it almost hurt looking at him. If you really thought about it, it never quite left him. Only Mor was worse. You were sure she hadn't smiled once in fifty years. But Azriel, Azriel held it together with a stoic expression.
The shadowsinger always drank a few gulps on solstice, never enough to start losing control. And then he stood and watched, shoulders squared, eyes vigilant, one hand hovering over truth-teller's hilt. Until the end of the night, when he would lead everyone to their respective rooms. And then he stayed with you.
It was the same now, too. He stood and watched as Mor and Cassian fought over the wine bottle, as if there weren't a hundred more. He and you had already stopped drinking a while ago.
"Just ask the house for your own damn bottle", Mor snapped at Cassian. Her cheeks were red from the alcohol, her beautiful blonde locks a tangled mess. Lately, she was drunk often.
Cassian wasn't giving up: "If I wanted to drink by myself, I would". A hum of acknowledgement sounded from Mor. She also didn't like being alone.
You shared a look with Azriel, a deep understanding embedded in it. There was an air of finality surrounding the holiday. This would be your last solstice together. Maybe your last solstice in general. Rhys would never return, you were sure.
"When the fifty years are up", Cassian slurred, "promise me that we'll go under the fucking mountain and kill the bitch". In the beginning, he had demanded to unleash Amren and end it in an instant. He still thought about it daily.
Even though your heart twisted in your chest and your throat closed at the thought of the end, you were the first to say: "Count me in". Mor looked between you and Cassian. "The gods-damned mountain won't be more than rubble once I'm finished", she choked out, toasting with the bottle, and broke out in tears. Azriel stepped forward, relaxing ever so slightly. He wiped Mor's tears away and took the wine away. "Whatever is necessary".
You barely registered the other's words as the conversation went on. There was only one way this night would end. The way it always ended. Crying and longing and breaking apart, piece by piece. You couldn't think, couldn't breathe anymore. The bottomless pit, that sat where your heart had once been, was threatening to swallow you. "Iām really tired, Iād better go to bed. Good night, see you tomorrow", you excused yourself. They hardly noticed you leaving, busy trying to persuade Az to give back the alcohol. Just one person less to share the bottle with.
What good was it to stay, waiting? He would never return; the fifty years Tamlin had to free them all were almost up. And even if Rhys did return, the inner circle was so far gone, so shattered and shaken in its foundations, that it could never be put together again.
Some days you wondered what was worse. Rhys staying enslaved, giving his all to save his family and city. Or him dying and the night court being cast into chaos.
Some days you hoped he'd die. That he'd find peace. It seemed more humane to you than leaving him to suffer, even if it meant you'd die as well. You'd stopped caring about that a long time ago.
You wandered aimlessly through the house, the only objective to get as far away as possible. Finally, you stepped onto a balcony and breathed in the fresh night air. Stars twinkled down upon you, and you could hear the quiet humming of the city beneath you. But you had no admiration for its beauty left inside you. Not when he was gone. When he should be here right now.
Breathing deeply, you lifted your head in a last effort. Bring him back, you begged the stars, bring him back to us. Don't let this be for nothing.
But the stars didn't answer. They never did.
There was movement behind you, silent and dark. You could feel him more than you could hear him. Cold tendrils of shadows wrapped around your ankles, as if in greeting. You didn't turn around.
"I feel like I'm forgetting him sometimes". Now that it was out, there was no way back. You felt embarrassed at it. The haze inside you made it difficult to remember lots of things. Entire months went missing from your memory. For a while now, it had been attacking your memories from before as well. But there were no excuses for forgetting a friend.
Azriel moved to stand beside you, as rigid as always, gaze fixed on the mountains in the distance. His shadows clung to him, blending him into the night. "You're not the only one. Cauldron, it's been so long".
The black hole inside you tore further open, its teeth and claws ripping the flesh, breaking ribs. One day it would swallow you whole. "I sometimes... I think about him, and I try to imagine him. And then I notice that I can't remember the shade of his eyes, or the sound of his voice. And then I think about how he's all alone down there and..." You broke off in a whimper, tears pooling in your burning eyes.
"And?". His voice was gentle, urging you on. He was calm and collected, as always. Only his right wing twitched ever so slightly.
The tears started rolling down your cheeks. "And I wish it were me instead of him. I wish I could share his burden". A sob escaped you. Azriel was the only one you could be so honest with. The darkness inside you always receded around him, gave you enough clarity to talk.
He wiped your tears and kissed your cheeks. "We all do. But it's not our fault that it happened. Don't hold yourself accountable for something that you couldn't control". It wouldāve been funny, almost, if it wasnāt so sad ā because it was Azriel himself who held himself accountable the most.
"Sometimes I wish he was dead. That I were dead". It was out before you could stop yourself. Cold horror twisted Azriel's beautiful face, and a dull pang went through your chest. You shouldn't have said that.
"Don't give up on yourself. He wouldn't want that. I don't want that". His wings unfolded, one wrapping around you. To shield you from the cold or to protect you from harming yourself, you weren't sure. Either way, you gladly leaned against him as quiet sobs shook your body. You shouldnāt have told him, shouldnāt have burdened him like that. Scarred hands stroked your shoulders, dark shadows cradled your face and patted your back until you could breathe again.
"It feels like I'm hanging on by a thread. I don't want to die. It would just be so much easier than this", you whispered, voice hoarse. He took your hand, his own shaking.
"Hope", he said, "Hope is like a weapon you wield. You need to practice it, will your body to comply, move with it. Because once you stop moving, it's over". But you were moving. In the mornings, when simply getting out of bed turned into a seemingly impossible trial, you forced yourself. First, your mind, then your limbs, one by one. You were still moving. It didn't seem to help. How was he still standing, still himself in the midst of all of this? While even Cassian faltered, Azriel stayed steadfast.
"How do you hold it together so well?"
A shaky laugh left his lips, dark and sad, and he shook his head. " I donāt know. I write him reports every day. Everything I hear and see, all the information I get. I sort them on his desk, so that when he returns, everything is in order. I do it, so I don't lose it. It's silly, really. But it always looks as if he's just left and will be right back. And that helps me believe that one day, he will come back". A sliver of what could've been surprise went through you. You hadn't known about this, he never talked more than necessary about himself. But it didnāt seem like the full truth. His shadows cringed at his words, pulling tighter.
"How are you really feeling, Az?"
His brows pulled together in a frown. "What do you expect me to say?"
"The truth".
His thumb played with yours. He was stalling, fighting with himself. "You asked me how I hold it together so well. The answer is: I don't".
You couldn't believe him. "But you're always so collected...". Your words were almost a plea. You had thought that at least Az had stayed somewhat the same. The man who was your rock, your stability. The one who made the darkness within you curl in on itself, its teeth and claws turning into soft fur, until you could breathe and think again.
He stayed silent for a while, not meeting your eye. "I need to be strong for you. One of us has to hold the circle together. Keep it from breaking apart completely". Behind the stoic mask, his eyes had lost their light. You thought you could glimpse a tear glinting in his eye, but he looked down too fast for you to truly see it. He looked awful.
"Oh Az, I had no idea". You drew him into a hug then. His muscles were strung tight like a bowstring. Soothingly, you rubbed his back in circles between his wings, and he relaxed into your touch. Being with him came so naturally to you, it was like breathing. There were no nerves, no butterflies, there never had been. Instead, he calmed you down when nothing else could, held you in his arms and made the world disappear. Your love for him kept you sane when the world was ending around you. It was one of the few emotions the void hadn't been able to claim for itself.
His face was so close. It would be so easy to close the small distance, to let yourself fall. Kissing him was the only line you had never crossed with him, apart from sex, too scared of driving him away. You shut your eyes and moved closer, stopping only a breath away. Azrielās hand found its way into your hair, but he didnāt move his head.
His words against your lips were pained, barely a whisper. "We can't". Yet, he still did not move away, not even an inch. Instead, he laid his forehead against yours, making your heart beat faster. "I can't allow myself this. I can't do something like this when Rhys is..."
"You think you can't be happy, because he's gone". Not a question, a statement.
He didn't disagree. "I want it to be the same when he comes back, I want nothing more than to forget about all this". The bottomless pit inside your chest blinked at you. Understanding. We are alike, it purred.
You were the one to pull back. "What if he does come back and he's not himself anymore? What if whatever happened to him has changed him so much, we won't even recognize him?"
"We will survive. Like we always have". Survive, not live.
"Hope isn't just a weapon", you started, agonizingly tearing your memories from half a century ago from the monster's claws, "Hope is something you choose. The thing that keeps you going. The thing that keeps you from breaking completely". All those decades you had been sure all hope had left you. When you didn't look at his chair at the dinner table anymore, when you didn't wander into his office, wanting to talk, when you didn't turn around anymore, wanting to share a joke with him, and only then realized he wasn't there. When you had left his house behind and never returned. But you were still standing. Waiting. Praying. Feeling something that wasn't emptiness, even if it was only a fraction of what you felt before.
Azriel saw it, you were sure. "If you had truly lost all hope, you wouldn't be standing here right now". Begging the stars. He was right.
"Maybe you are my hope". His head whipped around. You fought against the darkness rising up inside you, willed it back, tried to rip the last slivers of yourself out of its grasp. There had been wants and dreams inside you once. They still were.
The only thing that stayed, that never went, was Azriel. A constant in your broken life. A shoulder to cry on, the one you fought your nightmares with. Who mostly stayed silent, even though he needed your care just as much as you did his.
"But I don't want you to be strong for me", you said softly, "I don't want you to carry my burden and get nothing in return. There is no shame in being unwell, in needing help, Az. We all do"
He shook his head. "This is who I am".
"I don't think Rhys would've wanted you to be strong for us in expanse of throwing yourself further into the abyss. Do you think if he does come back, he'll be glad to see you've made yourself suffer more than necessary? When he gives his all so that we are safe?"
"No. I don't. But I've never known differently. We just have to hold out a little longer. Until it's over, however it ends". The pain was dripping from him now, spilling out of him in a constant stream. His words were clear, but his body painted a different image. His wings were trembling, eyes wild and broken.
"Let me be there for you, don't shut yourself out. Let us take care of each other".
The last restraint he had left on himself broke. In an instant, he was upon you, his breath brushing softly against your lips. The big illyrian wings wrapped completely around you, holding you close, blocking out the night sky.
Azriel lowered his head, his breath shaky and uneven. Big hands wrapped around your jaw and beneath the void, something within you stirred. And then finally, your lips met his. The kiss wasn't soft, far from it really. His lips moved desperately, like he was drowning and coming up for air. It was all tongues and clashing teeth, hands fisted into each other's hair, pulling closer and closer. You pressed your entire body against his, molding into him and, for the first time in years, the emptiness was filled by something.
You didn't feel it snap, really. It wasn't light, it wasn't glorious, like they always said it was. It was the void, mirroring itself endlessly. It was emptiness meeting emptiness, guilt and sadness and anger and the teeth of a starving animal burying into your flesh. But it also was the last spark you had left inside you meeting another, catching and kindling, growing and banishing a fraction of the abyss. It was the same and wholly different, and if you had the time to stall and observe, maybe then you would've felt just how much bigger your world suddenly felt. Maybe you would've felt the darkness inside you finding its kind, curling around its twin and becoming soft and pliant.
No, you didn't feel that he was your mate. But you felt something entirely else, the only thing your soul knew you needed in that moment. You felt a sliver of hope.
Blackness greeted you when you woke up; you couldnāt have slept long. Azriel's strong body was curled up against yours. It shouldn't have been anything special, not after decades of sharing his bed. But it felt different still.
His hands felt different on your body, just like the way he was pressed against you, face nestled at your neck, big wings blanketing you. YOu were sure he had never held you quite like this. The intimacy of it took your breath away.
If you could, you would be happy to spend your whole life like this. Only the two of you, hidden away from everything. But the chances of the Mother allowing you this peace were miniscule. Your heart tightened inside your chest. To think you could lose him too, after only truly having him for such a short amount of time, was unbearable. Tears fell from your eyes and your body shook with quiet sobs.
Azriel's hands that were rubbing over your clothed ribs and waist stilled and then tightened against your body. "Shhh, Y/N. I'm here. I'm here". His hands picked up their movement again, only slower this time. Warm lips brushed your temple.
āIām sorry, Iām sorryā, you wept, "I don't want it to end. Not like this".
His lips moved against your temple as he spoke. "I won't let anything happen to you. I promise. I will be with you. And Mor, and Cassian, and Amren, we will be together. And Rhys will be free". It didnāt sound convincing.
You loosed a shuddering breath. "I'm scared of losing you as well".
"Oh, my sweet Y/N". His strong arms pulled you even closer and he buried his face in the crook of your neck. He was breathing hard and fast and only when your skin became wet, you realized he was crying as well. A first for him.
Your hands fisted in his hair. "I will stay with you, until whatever end. And if we die... if we die, I will be happy that I got to spend so many years with all of you. Even though they weren't enough".
His words were barely audible. āWe will stay together. Until the end, whatever it isā. He held onto you even tighter, so much it almost hurt.
You stayed like this for a while, in a silent embrace. Slowly, your breathing slowed down again, and your mind became clearer. The spark from earlier was there again, a small flame burning within you.
The darkness took up enough room in your life, you decided then. You wouldnāt give this whole night away to it as well. "I don't want to spend what could be our last solstice like this", you whispered into his ear.
Azriel propped himself up on his elbows. āWhat do you want to do instead?ā.
āI have an ideaā.
"Come on, get up", you pulled Mor up into a sitting position, āThere you goā. Her eyes were rimmed red and swollen from crying. She was still sitting in the living room with Cassian, multiple empty bottles lying on the floor between them. Azriel was by your side, his hand not hovering above his knife now, but at the small of your back.
"This might be our last solstice together". Cassian buried his face inside his hands at your words. "Do you really want to spend it like this?"
Cass groaned. "How else?"
Az took your hand in his, the silent message clear. You can do this. Your voice was firm, unwavering, almost a command, shoving the darkness down. "Tell me about him".
Morās eyes shot wide open, and she stared at you as if you had gone insane. "What?".
You breathed out to calm yourself. Azās thumb brushed over the back of your hand, comforting you. "Tell me about how he made you laugh and how he would always be there for you. All the little things he did that made you happy". You didn't want to forget any more. You didn't want to avoid talking about him, to pretend like he was dead or had even never existed to begin with, in an effort to escape the pain.
Cassian didnāt seem convinced. "What good is that?"
"He's still out there. He's still fighting. We can't give up yet. And I don't want this to be how we spend this night. I don't want you to invite more darkness in".
"I'll start", Azriel jumped to your defense, pulling you down onto the sofa with him.
Mor gaped at him. It was unlike him, usually so quiet. "When I first came to Windhaven, Rhys couldn't stand me. But his mother took me in, as you know. And after I kicked his ass in the training ring for the first time, we became friends, and he taught me to fly. I will be grateful for this forever". His wings bristled at his words the corners of his mouth lifted up by a fraction. The void stopped clawing and stalled, waiting for more.
A sad smile crossed Cass's face. "The first time I called his mother āmomā, he punched me in the face". Mor yelped and clapped a hand over her mouth. But then she was laughing and the sound of it, after fifty years, was music in your ears. She laughed until she had tears in her eyes. "I think you misunderstood the assignment".
"No, I don't think so", you replied softly. The spark inside you shone like a lighthouse through the darkness. She had laughed.
"Once, he tried to fuck me", a voice sounded. You turned around in surprise. Amren stood in the doorway, smirking, her silver eyes burning. "I laughed at him until he left".
Cassian blinked at her, processing, and then his laugh boomed through the living room, warm and loud, and the wrinkles that formed around his eyes were like a balm for your soul. It was almost easy to join in. āWanna have a go with me instead?ā.
āIn your dreamsā.
Mor still stared at her, disbelieving: "You're kidding us".
Amren shrugged. "No, I'm not. I think that's why he buys me all the jewelry, to make up for it".
"Why did you come back?", Az asked her, not condemning but curious, and pulled you tightly into his side.
"You know why", she replied matter-of-factly and plopped down on the sofa next to Mor.
The blonde fae looked up into the faces of her friends, solemn. āI said Iād never tell anyone, but the last time he tried to cook for himself, he nearly burned down the kitchen. And it was only pancakesā.
It continued on and on like this. One after the other, you dug out memories upon memories. Not the ones that haunted you, that you saw every time you closed your eyes, but the happy, half-forgotten ones.Ā You stayed like this all night, huddled up against Azriel, reminiscing. Until your stomach hurt, not from dread, but from laughter at Rhys's antics the void had claimed for itself for so long and you were now ripping from its grasp. By the end of the night, when the sun came up and banished the darkness, you were all tired, quiet smiles. The beast inside you lay dormant, undoubtedly only waiting to strike again. But maybe next time, you would be able to strike back. As you looked into the faces of the people you loved, you knew: this was what was worth fighting for.
Rhys, you thought with all your might, even though he couldn't hear you, hold on. We're still here.
summary: Rhys sends you on a mission to an illyrian camp with Azriel. Will this finally make him aknowledge your changed relationship?
warnings: allusions to sex, mentions of blood
words: 3.4k | part 1 | part 2 | masterlist
A/N: My darlings, my brain cooked up something delicious for you :D
For now, this is it! I really considered writing a fourth part and am still debating it. Would it be smutty? ... Probably ;) I'm unsure whether or not I'm comfortable writing smut, so I can't say for sure if I'll do it. For now, I hope you enjoy part 3, and that you'll return for whatever I'll write next. xx
"Y/N: mission for you. Control wing clipping ban. Meet at 9, House of Wind. R"
The note lay on my dresser when I got ready for work this morning. I had tossed and turned in my bed all night long. There had been no rest at all. Not when I knew that Azriel was my mate. Not when close before dawn the door to the bedroom next to mine creeked open and Az was sleeping only a few feet away from me. So, at the crack of dawn, I got up and baked.
Now, a cake sat on the windowsill of my room, waiting. An awfully delicious smelling cake I had spent hours baking. It had been almost impossible to decipher the faded handwriting of the recipe, and even harder still to not choke on the tears that escaped my eyes while baking. I had thought of the young boy Azriel had once been, kept in the dark cell in his father's house, only seldom let out to visit his mom. Where she would have this very cake waiting for him.
The only time I had met her, she had shoved the recipe into my hands, telling me I'd need it. I had never made it until this day. Now, I wouldnāt be able to give it to him. I hoped the House would keep it fresh for me, waiting for my return.
Rhys waited for me in the dining room. He was smiling softly when he saw me. "Are you okay?", he asked. I nodded slowly. "I'm sorry for entering your mind without your consent. I hope you forgive me". He was not usually a man of many excuses. He did what he did and expected everyone to be okay with it. This was a rare occurrence. "I do. It... wasn't entirely that bad after all. But it won't happen again". My voice was stern, unwavering.
"How did you feel last night?"
He didnāt need to elaborate. "I... don't know. I couldn't sleep. And I just don't understand why it didn't-"
But I could feel Azriel before I saw him, coming into the room in that very moment.
He stopped in his tracks when he noticed me. "We're doing this together, I figure", he said to nobody in particular and came closer. This could become interesting, I thought. My heart hammered against my ribs at the thought of spending the whole day with him.
"Oh, looks like I forgot to mention it. I must be getting old", Rhys purred as he grabbed both of us and winnowed us away.
I blinked into the blinding white sun of the illyrian mountains. It was a cold day for this time of the year. For illyrian soldier's standards it was already late morning. Many of the winged fae were bustling through the little huts and tents and in the distance, I could hear the grunts and clinks of swordfights.
I looked over at Azriel. His posture was tense, face expressionless. I didn't have to be a daemati to know that he hated these camps with a burning passion.
Softly, I tugged at his arm. "The sooner we start, the sooner it's over".
What followed was a long day of wing inspections. It was a surprise visit, so they weren't prepared. But that was exactly what Rhys had wanted. One by one they paraded the females past us, so we could protocol the state of their wings in detail. Most were intact, but there were exceptions. One young girl's wings were freshly clipped, blood still seeping through the bandages. The air was rich with the smell of it. Her face was ash-colored, grief stricken and I almost vomited at the camp commander's feet when I saw her state.
"What happened to her?", Azriel demanded, voice unforgiving. The commander scrambled for words, unable to give a coherent explanation beyond "She didn't do as she was told". Azriel looked like he was about to kill him. "There will be repercussions". I turned light-headed from the thought of her clipping. Without a word, I took a few steps to breathe in some fresh mountain air.
A strong hand met my shoulder and turned me around. "You can leave, if you want. Go for a walk, breathe. You don't have to watch this". Azrielās face showed deep concern. But there was a long line of females waiting behind him and I wouldn't let him do this alone.
"I want to stay. I want to be there for them", I said. He nodded, understanding. āIf you want to stop at any time, tell me. Thereās no shame in feeling like thisā. Azriel squeezed my hand, and we returned to work.
It took all day. The sun was setting as we inspected the last female. By the end, we were both exhausted. Azriel's wings almost dragged on the ground. The inspection of their training would have to wait for tomorrow. After a fast meal, we were ushered to a small, run-down hut at the outskirts of the camp.
I walked through the door and immediately stopped in my tracks. There was only one bed. A narrow one while we were at it. With the way it was positioned against the sloped roof, it would be a tight fit for Azriel and his wings. A quiet smile stole its way onto my lips. Rhysand, matchmaker and wingman of the century. His way of offering reparations for his meddling with my thoughts, I supposed.
Without looking back at Az, I started undoing the buckles of my tight leathers. When I had rid myself of my pants, only leaving my panties, a hand shot out from behind me and grabbed mine to keep me from undressing further. "I'll sleep on the floor" And get a wing full of splinters? I snorted, "No you won't. You act as if that's the first time we're sharing a bed. Don't be so prude"
His eyebrows lifted. "Prude, really?"
"Well, if you can't handle me in the same bed as you, I suppose I will sleep on the floor"
"Take the bed", he insisted, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
"Make me", was my only response. Azriel's jaw dropped and his expression, always so controlled, turned into something else entirely. Something primal, almost hungry. "Fine", he snapped. I continued to pull off my leathers, only leaving my underwear and the shirt I wore underneath the leathers. When I turned around again, he already lay down on the bed, his wings awkwardly crouched at his back. "Happy now?".
A witty comment about him luring me into bed lay on my tongue, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. āYesā.
His face stayed indifferent when I blew out the candles and settled into bed next to him. "I know this isn't the right time or the right place, but we need to talk, Az"
He sighed. "Yes, I suppose we do"
"Will you ignore me again when we get back home?", I asked. He had been almost normal to me today. And I knew it would kill me if he'd start ignoring me again as soon as we came home.
"I don't know if I can". Azriel's honesty surprised me. Maybe the darkness made it easier on him, because he didn't have to look me in the eye. Still, his voice broke as he said: "I miss you".
My heart tightened inside my chest "Then come back to me".
"I wish I could". He turned towards the wall and ended our conversation.
Sunlight hit my face, waking me from my dreams. It was so warm and comfortable, I wanted to stay like this forever. This was the first time in weeks that I had slept through the night. Azriel's head lay on my chest, his strong arm snaked tightly around my waist and Gods, his left wing was lazily draped over my body. He was all around me, his scent engulfing me. This man would be the death of me. I also held him tightly, one hand buried in his hair, the other grasping at his shirt as if trying to keep him from escaping. A quiet smile stole its way onto my face. He must have cuddled up to me while asleep. I could get used to this.
His shadows were also asleep, I realized then, curled around my arms and shoulders in a protective embrace. My heart swelled in my chest. My mate, I thought. How lucky I was.
Without my doing, my fingers started playing with his hair. Almost immediately, he snuggled his face deeper into the fabric of my shirt. A deep blush crept over my face and my heart felt like it was about to burst out of my chest.
We stayed like this for a while. His shadows were the first indication of his waking up. They slowly started to stir, wandering from my arms to my head and down my body as if to check if I was alright.
Then, his whole body turned rigid. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-", he started, his face a deep crimson.
His hazel eyes met mine and my breath hitched in my chest. My body was aflame, an explosion of light and emotions. It was like how I imagined the creation of this world. First, there was nothing. Until there was everything. The "bond" I had been able to feel when I was inside Azriel's mind was nothing compared to this. A thick rope of light glowed inside me, and I felt him. Love flowed through the bond, an undying stream of it and I basked in its glow. But there was something darker still inside of him, a deep sadness, so similar to my own. My mate.
Without knowing what I was doing, I reached out across the bridge that bound us together. And tugged hard on the bond, willed him closer.
A deep groan sounded from Az, as he dropped face first back into my chest. I thought I could hear him murmur: "finally".
I held him close, basking in the glorious light of the bond. I never wanted to leave his side again.
"I'm so sorry it took me so long", I apologized. I didn't even want to begin to think about how torturous the last weeks must have been for him. How painful it must be to go against every instinct and not be around your mate.
His head shot up. "You knew?"
"I woke up last night and was sucked into your mind. I... I heard your talk with Rhys. Part of it, anyway". He pressed a kiss to my cheek, then to my nose. Azriel's face hovered above mine, our lips only a breath apart.
He whispered against my lips: "I'm sorry you learned it that way. I wanted to tell you. Every day, I thought about it. But I just couldn't".
My eyes fluttered close. "I understand you now. And I am not mad at you. Not at all"
His lips were on mine and I couldn't say who of us closed the distance. The soft touch of his lips soon turned demanding, claiming, as he parted my lips with his tongue. The kiss was rougher than the one we had once shared. It was hungry, all tongue and eager lips. I couldn't get enough of him. The bond sang in my chest. He kissed me like he had been starving for months. My hands buried deep into his hair, I moaned into him.
Azriel was touching me everywhere, his shadows swirling around me as well. But he was just too clothed.
Impatiently, I tugged at his shirt, eager to feel him. My hands roamed the strong muscular plains of his back. The bond was alight and I couldn't even begin to imagine how good it would feel to have him inside me.
"Not like this". Azriel pulled away and I actually whined in protest. He was breathless, eyes wild and his lips in a smile bigger than I had ever seen on him. "Not here. I want it to be special. Not in a rundown hut with a whole illyrian camp listening". The bond between us showed me pure love. I couldn't be offended.
"Scared the bed wouldn't survive?", I joked, equally breathless. Hunger, deep and primal was painted on his face. "It definitely would not"
A shudder went through my body as I imagined what he would do to me. "I wouldn't mind". He groaned again, nuzzling his face into my neck. "I'm not fucking you here, as much as I would love to".
"Then get off me, you're not making this any easier". With his body pressed so close to mine, I imagined how he would pin me down on the bed. How his mouth would roam over my body, downwards, before he would-
"Your thoughts also aren't", he argued. My thoughts mingled with his own and I saw how he would take me. Slow, deliberate, savoring every moment. And then rough.
"I'd say I was sorry, but that would be a lie", I gasped, āand yours are hardly betterā. I couldnāt wait to get home and see how he would make his thoughts justice.
He pressed a kiss to my temple, smiling, and then started to peel himself off me.
When I opened the door of the little hut to start our tasks of the day, Rhys stood outside waiting for us. My eyes widened in surprise.
"How did the mission go?", he wanted to know.
Azriel cleared his throat. "Why are you here? Weren't we supposed to stay until noon?". His hand was protectively placed at my waist. To show the illyrianās to keep away if they wanted to keep their arms, probably.
Rhysand's gaze wandered between us, a smug twinkle in his eyes. "Change of plan, I'll take over from here. So?"
"They have mostly accepted the wing-clipping ban, except for a few", I reported.
"Good to hear", he said nonchalantly. He stepped a few feet away from the door before stopping. "Oh, and you're welcome by the way"
Azriel blinked in confusion. "What?"
"Did you really think I needed two people for this?"
He gaped at Rhys, unable to form a response. I only giggled and lowered my mental barrier for a moment. You sly bastard, I thought at Rhys. In response, a quiet chuckle sounded in my thoughts.
"Are you coming, or what?". Rhys winnowed us back to the house of wind. Before returning to the camp, he said to Azriel: "You're on vacation now, by the way"
The corners of Azriel's lips twitched into small smile. "For how long?"
Rhys grinned. "Until you've stopped fucking each other's brains out all day". A blush crept over Azriel's face. Through the bond I felt anger arising at Rhys's words, but I grabbed his hands to keep him from throwing a punch.
A deep giggle sounded from behind me. Cassian, strong, brutal, buff Cassian was giggling. "You can thank us later".
Azriel POV
She led me through the House to her room, tugging at my arm even though I knew the way as well as she did. When we arrived, she shut the door, and I sat down on her bed.
She was before me in an instant. "Why didn't you say anything?".
"I couldn't", I said. What a lousy excuse.
Sorrow tinted the bond. "It killed me, Az. I thought you hated me. That I had done something wrong and now we'd never be friends again".
"I'm sorry I made you feel like this. But after starfall, I- the bond was hurting so much. It burned inside me, day and night and called me to you. But I just couldn't be around you and pretend everything was normal". I didn't say how I wished to be dead every day, thinking the Cauldron had set me up with a one-sided bond. I didn't say that the first week I didn't come to work not because I was sick, but because the only way I could numb the bond and the bottomless pit of pain inside me was getting drunk. I didn't say that I overworked myself to the point of collapsing in the training rink with Cassian, only to not have to feel the aching of the bond while being close to her. One day I'd tell her. But I wouldn't trouble her with that today. Right now, I wanted nothing more than to forget about everything that had happened during these past months. And for her to be happy.
"You didn't even look my way". The bond twitched inside me. Did it remember the weeks apart or were those her own feelings?
There were no excuses. But maybe I could make it a little better at least. "My shadows stayed close to you. I couldn't control them anymore. Wherever you went, a part of me went as well. They slept at your door for weeks", I admitted. As if to support my claim, they drifted towards her, lightly encircling her wrists.
She stayed silent for a while, grasping for words. But she wasnāt angry, I realized. She only wanted to understand. "I was in love with you for years", she confessed, "but I saw how in love you were with Mor and then Gwyn and I never thought you would love me back. So, I never said anything. But at starfall, I... I was so sick of itā.
I furrowed my brows. "That was a century ago". She couldnāt possibly have believed that I was still pining after Gwyn, who I hadnāt seen in decades. Or Mor, who was happily mated. How was it possible that she had been so blind all these years?
She looked down in what could only be embarrassment. "I never saw you with anybody else after, so I thought you were still in love with one of them"
I pulled her in closer. "Y/N, I haven't been with anybody in decades. You never saw me with anyone, because there was no one. Only you".
Her head flew up. "You're kidding me", she accused, eyes wide.
I pulled her between my legs. "You're not the only one who was in love for years before the bond". I thought of the many days and nights we had spent together, each one of us pining for the other without knowing. I shook my head. Those days were over.
She laid her hand on my shoulders. "Promise me one thing"
"Anything"
She breathed in deeply. "Never leave me alone like this, ever again. Promise me to talk to me when something happens, when you're hurting".
I had never made an easier promise. "I promise. I will never treat you like this again. I will never leave you. And I will always find you, no matter where. I promise". Thoughts about starfall flew into my head. There was no way I would ever let go of her. Wherever she would go, I would follow her. No matter where. Even in death, I swore myself.
"And I will find you". She kissed me, sweet and soft. With every kiss of hers I forgot a little about the pain as the bond sang brighter and brighter. I wanted to pull her down onto the bed with me, finally become one with her. But all too soon, Y/N left my embrace. I stared at here, confused. Was she not satisfied with my answers? Would she refuse the bond after all?
Anxiety grew in my chest. Before I could say anything, a wave of calm hit me through the bond. She walked over to the big window overlooking the mountains and drew a knife. A cake sat on the windowsill, I only now saw. She returned with a piece of it sitting on a small plate, a fork next to it. A cake I hadn't eaten in centuries. My throat closed up when she handed me the plate.
"Eat", she said softly, "you've more than earned it". I felt like the boy I once was again. Let out of his cage that had kept him in the dark, confining his wings and his will. Finally seeing the light of day. Daring to hope. My hand shook as I grabbed the fork and cut a piece off. "You need to tell me the story of how you got this recipe".
"I'm full of surprises". She sat down next to me and grabbed my left hand.
A smile stole its way onto my face. "Yes, you are", I said and started eating.
today this blog turns 4 years old and I realized I hadn't ever given an update on why I was gone so long and why I returned, so uhm... I figured I'd give an explanation (better late than never I guess)
I started writing on this blog in 2021, which is also when most of my fanfics were written. Back then I was only 16 and this blog was my way of coping with the pandemic. Over the past years, I often thought about coming back. There was even an entire fanfic that I wrote for this blog that never saw the light of day. Only now I felt like I was finally in a place again that allowed me to write and share it with you. Ngl I have not reread my writing from back then, because I physically cringe at what teenage me came up with, but I decided to leave everything online for those of you who want to read it.
Currently, I cannot promise that I will be active all the time after I finish writing The Distance He Keeps. But I AM saying that you have definitely not seen the last of me and I might even start writing for other SJM characters in the future (*gasp*).
summary: Finally, you confront Azriel about why he is avoiding you. Later, you find yourself inside his mind, revealing a deep secret about your relationship (I'm really bad at summaries, it's been so long ugh)
warnings: drinking, slight hurt/no comfort, suicidal thoughts if you squint, swearing
word count: 3.4k | part 1 | part 3 | masterlist
A/N: I'm honestly so incredibly happy that so many of you liked the first part! Now, I love men who have the ability to just shut tf up, but Az brings this to a whole other level. So... uhm prepare for some frustration. I promise, he's not an asshole, just incredibly tortured. Anyways, I hope you like it and come back soon for part 3! xx
There was something drawing me towards the roof. A silent calling, a sixth sense attuned to him. Like the air was vibrating softly, showing me his direction. It had been a week since the dinner, since I had last seen him. But still, I was sure that this was new. Maybe I was going insane. It wouldn't surprise me.
I stepped outside onto the small roof terrace. It was near midnight, the sky above Night Court seemingly endless. Millions of stars twinkled down on me; I would never quite get used to the beauty of the nights here. A cool summer breeze hit me and the humming of Velaris reached my ears, the sounds of countless people moving through the streets. But I hardly noticed any of that.
Because there, sitting on one of the two chairs that barely fit on the tiny terrace, was Azriel. His shoulders were tense, his wings half unfolded as if he was about to lurch out of his seat and into the night. His shadows stayed close to him, as if they were trying to guard him. Aloofness was not rare to him, but vigilance like this, I had never seen on him at home.
How do I start? I asked myself. What do I even say? āHey, youāve been ignoring me and I miss you and Iām in love with you, please come back and stop this bullshitā? How pathetic. I had no plan. The past nights, I had tossed and turned in my bed, imagining our encounter. The only conclusion I had come to was that whatever Iād say, it couldnāt possibly get any worse. Hopefully.
"Don't mind me, I'm leaving in a second", he spoke out, still not turning around. His posture stayed rigid. There was no other indication of him noticing your presence.
Without thinking, I countered: "Oh, so now you're speaking again?". Azrielās neck tensed. That came out a little meaner than anticipated.
He sighed. "Maybe".
I took the few steps to the other chair and slid into it. Hesitantly, I turned my head towards him. He still wouldn't meet my eyes. Azriel looked tired, his eyes half closed with bags underneath them. His long fingers were clenched around the armrests of his chair. It was evident that he was severely unwell. How long had this been going on for? Maybe I should have pressed harder when he started ignoring me, I realized, and not folded in on myself.
For a while, we sat in silence while I studied him. Then I couldn't bear it anymore. I swallowed the anxiety that had welled up inside me for weeks, tried to calm my flaying nerves. "What is going on, Az, are you okay? Please, we can talk about whatever happened. I miss youā, I pleaded, the last words only a whisper. I quickly shut my mouth before more words could escape my lips. Come back, I thought, come back to me.
The muscles in his jaw tensed and he dropped his head into his hands. "Don't say that. Don't make it harder than it already is".
Desperation grew inside of me. Even if he did not love me back, I would not bury our friendship without at least putting up a fight. āWe can work it out. Whatever it is, we can face it togetherā.
His face twisted in a pained expression. āCauldron boil me, I wish it were that easyā
"Is this about starfall?", I asked. Finally, our gazes met. Azriel looked defeated. "So it is?". He didn't deny it, so I assumed I was correct. "You're embarrassed at what happend, or what? Do you want to take back what you did and said? Is it because you're scared?". The shadows drew in closer around him, pooling around his chest and neck, as if to guard him.
His voice was agonized when he replied: "You don't understand. You just don't understand and I can't even be mad at you. But I can't be around you like this". Azriel had always been a man of few words, but frustration hit you hard. Why couldn't he give you at least some insight? "Then fucking explain it to me, Az! I can't take this anymore."
There was no hesitation in his voice this time. "Maybe I shouldn't have kissed you."
This felt like a blow to my stomach. All air was knocked right out of me. This day was the happiest I had been in years. I thought about it before falling asleep, in the bathtub and over breakfast. Again and again, I replayed this moment to make sure I hadn't made it up, to hold onto it. And now he was destroying it, crushing it, with a single sentence. Tears welled up in my eyes and I fought to not let them roll.
I hated myself for the crack of my voice, when I asked: "Was it that horrible? Did I disgust you much that you can't even look at me anymore?". Even if he didn't love me -
"Don't you ever think about yourself like that", he practically growled, "you, out of all people, have no business believing that". He was angry now, as if he couldn't even understand how I could think that. His words confused me. One second he said he shouldn't have kissed me and now this?
"Then what is it, Az? What happened to 'I will always find you'? Talk to me please. Make me understand", I begged. My hand reached out to thread through his fingers, but he escaped my grasp, stood up and leaned against the terrace fence.
There was a long pause. I almost thought he wouldn't answer. Then, quietly, almost desparately: "Can't you feel it?"
What did he mean? Why did he always have to be so cryptic? "I feel that you're drifting away from me and I can't get ahold of you. LIke I'm reaching out and begging and with every try, you float further away".
His hands gripped the banister so tightly his knuckles turned white and a sad smile crossed his face. "That's how I feel about you as well."
"What did I do wrong? Please. I'm right here, you're not losing me". I would plead on my knees before letting go. There was nothing I wouldn't do to get him back. Even if he regretted the kiss, I would not lose my best friend. My better half.
When he glanced back at me, the look in his eyes broke me. The spark in them was gone, the glint I had come to love dimmed. "You didn't do anything wrong. It's not your fault". The sadness seeped out of him, his shadows now concealing almost every part of him, except for his face. I had never seen him like this. "Please, give me some space. I - I'll tell you. Just this once, please". Without waiting for my answer, he jumped over the low fencing around the rooftop terrace and flew into the night. And left me alone with my thoughts. Only then did my tears start to run.
How did it go?
Fuck off, Rhysand
I woke up in the middle of the night, my throat dry, my heart hammering.
"Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do?"
The words that left my mouth weren't my own. Neither was my voice. What was going on? I still felt half asleep.
"I thought Y/N would figure it out herself. It was so painfully obvious in her memories, but she just didn't connect the dots. Pretty ironic considering her job". I couldn't focus on my surroundings, still only half conscious. All I could register were the big violet eyes staring at me.
Anger flared up at the other person's words, but it wasn't mine. I could feel it, but it was somehow...foreign. Rhys was talking to me, I realized. But it wasn't me, really. The body I was in was taller, the angle I saw everything from was wrong. And the hands that were brought up to sweep the stray hairs out of my eyes were tan, scarred and surrounded by shadows. I was inside Azriel's mind. Suddenly, I was wide awake. Why was I here? How did I even get into this situation?
"What was she thinking about?", Azriel asked. Rhysand gave me - no - Azriel a long look. Azriel was back at the townhouse and they were speaking about my previous talk with Rhys, it seemed. Curiosity took over the confusion within me. I longed to know what Azriel would say about me. Would he tell Rhys the reason for his behavior?
"I think you know. I'm not telling you. She screamed bloody murder at me that I had violated her thoughts like that". Disappointment lapped at me from within him. But there was something else entirely, too. Affection. Concern.
There was a long pause. Azriel started pacing the room. "You could make her some food", Rhys offered, "That should clear it up. Apart from the rather obvious method". Az' wings rustled behind him. He was uncomfortable. Blurry images of our entwined bodies came into his mind. They came and went fast, he quickly shoved each one away behind thick barriers. What did that mean?
"I'm not going to force her like that. She should decide for herself. And the "obvious method" as you called it, is not really an option to me right now". An image of me, naked in his bed blazed through his mental shields. By the Mother, what were they talking about? He breathed in deeply and vanished this product of his imagination. I grew restless. Why was he thinking about me like this, when only a few hours ago he had made very clear that he didn't even want to think about the kiss? Did he lie to me?
Azriel started pacing. His mind was racing. Shards of conversations with me came flying from his thoughts into my own. Dozens of made-up scenarios of him iniciating conversations that ended with me rejecting him. Which was weird, because why would I-
Rhy interrupted my - our thoughts: "Can you feel her? As her mate you should be able to have some insight into her mind".
All thoughts left my mind. Mate mate mate mate mate mate mate echoed through me. Azriel was my mate. My whole worldview shifted as I thought about our last conversation. Why didn't he just tell me? Somewhere far away from here I felt the blood rushing through my veins, my heart hammering against my ribcage. Mate.
"Not really, so far. Every now and then I can feel something, but hearing her thoughts or even seeing them... that only happened once". I longed to see what he had seen, but he had regained his composure. There was nothing slipping past his wards. A million questions raced through my head. Why couldn't I feel the bond? And since when did he know about this?
"Can I have a look? Maybe I can feel around and find out what the problem is", Rhys offered.
I felt him before I could withdraw from Azriel's mind. I didn't even know how to withdraw. Where was the path back to myself? Where did Azriel end and I begin? How had I even ended up here? I didn't know.
Soft claws stroked my consciousness - no, Azriel's. It felt nearly the same. Rhys dived into Azriel's brain, pulling me down into his thoughts with him, and sifted through memories, feelings, everything Az would let him see. Big parts of his brain were walled in, impenetrable.
Something here is different. He carefully dove through Az' brain and before I knew it, his invisible claws were stroking at my own walls. Interesting. Until he found what he was looking for. A tiny, softly glowing, thread, bound tightly to my thoughts, winding straight into the heart of Azriel's sectioned-off memories.
Go back, and for Cauldron's sake, talk to him, Rhys purred at me.
Azriel POV
I would never get used to the feeling of my brother combing through my brain, even after over 600 years. He was gentle and respected the heavy wards I had built over time, protecting my most vulnerable memories. The size of the walled-in part had grown considerably over the past years. But he was kind enough not to comment on that. Rhys moved along the outskirts of my brain until I could barely feel him anymore. But he was still there, somewhere. Somewhere... foreign. At the edges of my consciousness, a claw hit heavy walls. Walls that weren't my own. And then: a claw lightly stroking a thread that was welded to the essence of my being. A mating bond. Thin and fickle, not yet accepted. But it was there. And that meant that on the other side, behind thick walls... was her.
"Did you feel that?", Rhys asked after he withdrew from my mind. My shadows swirled around me, as if they had sensed something as well. They seemed elated, tugging at my hands and wings to get me moving.
"Yes", I breathed out, "thank you ". The smallest spark of hope ignited within me. I quickly shut it down. If it hadn't snapped for her yet, who was to say it ever would?
"The bond is most definitely not one-sided", Rhys explained, "I could feel her on the other side, but it has not fully snapped. Maybe because you've known each other for so long. What happened after you kissed at starfall? Maybe it takes a little more... closure.", he winked, sporting a wicked grin.
A low growl escaped my lips. He had no business thinking about my mate like this. She was my mate. Mine. The half-finished bond inside me flared up at his words, roaring with anger over his insinuation. If he ever so much as thought of her like this again, I would-
"Easy, man. Remind me to grant you a long vacation after you mate fully. Youāre in desperate need of a good fuck". I breathed in deeply, trying not to tackle him to the ground.
It took all of my willpower to stay calm. "Can I stay here tonight?". There was no way I could sleep next door to her tonight.
"Always".
I left him there, went to the room I sometimes shared with Cassian and dropped onto my bed. As I stared at the dark ceiling, my thoughts circled back to another night.
I was drunk off her. She was beautiful everyday, I could barely take my eyes off her when she wore pajamas at breakfast. But today was a wholly different calibre. The dress she was wearing perfectly accentuated her eyes, and the glitter in her hair made her sparkle like she was a star herself.
"I will find you, no matter where. I promise". The words left my lips before I could think them through. She was too close to me. I had one glass of wine too much. Or maybe I was just sick of pretending.
"And I will find you", she replied. Her lips were slightly opened, the look in her eyes so vulnerable. A mirror of my own feelings. My shadows tugged at my suit's lapels, their whispers in my ears were delighted. This was it, the moment I had been waiting on forever.
Without my doing, my wings unfolded around her, shielding us off from the world around us. A breath later we were outside on a vacant balcony.
My ringed fingers shook slightly as I brought them up to her cheeks, cradling her face. Starlight reflected in her beautiful eyes and I wished I could drown in them. Her hands drew me in closer, her eyes closed. "Az - I...", she whispered.
Before I knew it, my lips touched hers. They were velvet on mine. Her hands threaded into the hair at the nape of my neck and she arched upwards. The only thought on my mind was her name, repeating like a prayer, while my lips moved softly on hers. Slowly, savoring every second, I parted her lips with my tongue. The moment our tongues touched, it was like a spark had been ignited inside me. A white hot feeling rushed through my veins and reflexively I moaned into her and pulled her closer. It was like a supernova inside me. Like something that had been missing from me my entire life was crafted with enormous force. And then I felt her. Her desire and wanting crashed down on me, amplified my own. My mate.
My knees threatened to buckle and the shadows swirled around her in ecstasy, threading through her hair, touching her arms and face.
And then the kiss ended and reality came crushing down on me with a force that knocked the wind out of my lungs.
She looked happy. Nothing more. There was no sign that she felt what I felt. No recognition that the Cauldron hat just welded our souls together, fused our entire beings into one. All my hopes shattered. My insides turned to ice and for a split second I wished I were dead.
Internally, I tried to reach out to her and tug at the string binding us together. But it was too thin, too unstable. There was no way for me to get ahold of it. Everytime I reached for it, it slipped from my grasp. I drew her into a hug to keep from breaking apart. But it was of no use. My hands started shaking against her back and my breath caught in my throat. I needed to go.
I pressed a kiss onto her forehead, before I withdrew from her embrace. Mumbling an excuse I barely registered, I forced myself to turn around and leave. With every step I took, I could feel my soul shattering into more and more pieces. In my room, I ripped my suit jacket off and threw it in a corner, didn't even bother to unbutton my shirt and instead tore it in two and threw it right after the jacket. I could still taste and feel her on my lips. In hopes of ridding myself of it, I tried to wipe her off of them. My hands came back red with lipstick.
The bond, still fresh, pulsed inside me and I felt her everywhere. Hell, I saw her in her mirror, through her own eyes, pulling off her dress and getting ready for bed, only a door away. I felt how tired she was, how happy she was. How fucking unaware she was that she was now the center of my world.
My shadows escaped from me, slithered underneath the door. They were agitated, longing for her as much as I was. Now, I felt how they pooled against her door, begging to be let in. I had just enough power over them to stop them from rushing into her room.
There was only one thing that would help now. I dug through my dresser. Mindlessly, I threw everything in my way into a pile on the floor. Until I found what I was looking for. A sinfully expensive bottle of very strong alcohol Cass had gifted me for solstice. Without thinking, I uncorked the flask with my teeth and drank until I gasped for air. And then I drank again. Anything to dull the ache inside me. The ache for her. Until I wouldnāt care anymore.
What a fucking mess. She was one of the few truly good things in my life and now that had been stolen from me too. Sometimes I felt like my life was one big single joke. No matter what, I never got what I wanted. I longed and pleaded and burned, but not once had life been playing fair with me. Maybe that was my curse. To give and give and never get anything in return.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I could hear the voice of my father, long gone. Did you really think you deserved her? You are nothing, boy. And I knew he was right. How blind I was to believe that I was good enough for her. How fucking naĆÆve.
There was nothing I could do. The bond ached inside me, mocking me for my delusions. I laid down and hoped the world would go away.
series taglist: @tele86 @francesababyd0ll @rcarbo1 @willowpains @i-am--infinite @paintedbyshadows @mellowmusings @ashduv
Summary: Azriel and you have been best friends for centuries. But all of a sudden he won't talk to you anymore.
words: 1.5k | masterlist | part 2 | part 3
This is a 3 part series. The other parts will be released in the next days. I hope you enjoy xx
A/N: I honestly don't know if any of y'all are still here, but I'm kinda back! This was not requested, it's kind of a try at starting to write again. I can't promise that I'm going to be really active again and for now I'm not taking requests. We'll see how it goes :)
I was late for dinner, I realized as I hurried through the front door and foyer of Rhys's townhouse and into the dining room. The inner circle, my friends, my family, were gathered around the long wooden table. All of them were already here, eating, laughing and talking. Their words didn't quite reach me. The only empty seat was my usual one, next to Azriel, who had his wings neatly folded behind his back and was engaged in conversation with Rhys. I squared up my shoulders and excused my late arrival: "Hi everyone. Sorry I'm late, work was terrible". The latter was directed mainly at Rhys. I'd have to have a talk with him later. The rest of my friends greeted me, smiling. Only Azriel didn't. In fact, he did not even look my way. My heart froze in my chest. He had been ignoring me for weeks. My breath hitched as I waited for any sort of reaction, but he resumed his conversation as if I weren't there. My eyes started burning at his disregard and I fought to regain compusure. For a split second I contemplated winnowing away on the spot. But this was our first dinner like this in weeks and I could make this uncomfortable for him too.
With long strides I walked over to Cassian, who was seated next to Nesta. I stopped next to him and he happily said "Hi Y/N". Well, this was going to be awkward. My only response was "Move". The conversations around me came to a halt as Cassian's expression turned to amused confusion. "Iā¦ what?". My heart hammered in my chest and heat rose to my cheeks. I did not dare look up to see if Azriel was finally acknowledging me. "I said move", I repeated. And then, quieter, so only he could hear it "Please". He stood up without conplaining and from the look I saw in Nesta's eyes, I gathered she must have said something through the bond to make him comply. I slid into Cass's seat and started to fill my plate as conversation around the table resumed as if nothing had happened. But something had happened. For 300 years I'd had my spot at this table. I had never sat elsewhere. Until today. I mumbled a thanks to Nesta and started eating, when I felt Rhys at the edges of my consciousness, stroking softly against my mental shields to be let in. In response, I slammed a second wall down and shook my head at him slightly. He didn't try again.
Dinner was tense. I tried talking to Nesta, but I was so busy not to look the way of the tall shadowsinger that several times she had to ask her questions twice before I realized she was still talking to me. Nobody addressed my entrance. Inside me, my blood was boiling, my heart a pile of glass shards. I had tried to excuse Azriel's behavior during the past weeks. Most of the time I convinced myself that he was simply too busy with work to spend as much time with me as he used to. But this was different, we were at home for Cauldron's sake. He was supposed to be different here, he was supposed to welcome me with a warm hug and hand me seconds at dessert. How could he all of a sudden not care anymore at all?
I was so lost in thought that I barely registered Rhys standing up and proclaiming: "Excuse us, Y/N and I have to talk about her work". For a second, I merely stared at him, then I dropped my fork and knife on the table and stood up. It was comically obvious that this was not about my work. When we had just crossed the threshold into the foyer, I heard somebody whispering: "Azriel, what the fuck is going on?". His only response: "I need to go".
Rhys brought me into his study and shut the door. I sunk down into one of the armchairs and waited for him to take a seat. Instead, Rhys leaned against his ornate desk and rubbed his forehead as if in pain. "Y/N", he started after a while, "please, what is going on between him and you?". Pain flared through me at his mention. "Nothing".
Rhys's lips twitched into a smile and then he was laughing. "You have been part of my inner circle for more than 300 years. Azriel, I know even longer. He is like my brother. Don't think I wouldn't notice that there is something terribly wrong". Tears burned in my eyes again. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep this from Rhys. Maybe it was a good thing, being able to confide in someone, I beckoned myself. Things were horrible already. This would merely be the last nail in my already finished coffin the Mother had built me.
"The day after starfall I came into work", I said, a tear sliding down my cheek. Rhys came closer and knealt down in front of me. "And he justā¦ wouldn't talk to me". A sob escaped my lips. Rhys took my hand in his and his face turned into a frown.
"At first - I - heā¦. I thought he was just busy, but it didn't get any better. It onlyā¦ only got worse". Tears were now streaming down my face. I could barely see Rhys out of my teary swollen eyes. "We haven't talked in weeks. Months even. At work, he doesn't let me go on any missions and instead makes me do paperwork. We don't train together anymore. We don't spend time anymore. Worst of all, he won't even look at me and I just don't understand what I did wrong". The last sentences were almost inaudible over my sobs. Rhys gently pulled me up by my hands and drew me into a tight hug. My hands clasped around his back and I cried and cried until his shirt was wet and my eyes dry.
"Do you want me to talk to him about this?", he asked softly. But I shook my head no against him. "This is bad enough as is. I don't want Azriel to withdraw even more. I thought we were best friends. But I'm soā¦ alone", I croaked. Best friends. We had been inseperable for so long, I almost didn't remember a time before Azriel. His bedroom was next to mine. We worked together, trained together, ate together, spent our free time together. And now that he was gone, the better part of my life was missing. Tears threatened to well up again, but I surpressed them.
Rhys hummed softly. "What do you think could have caused this?".
I rummaged through my memories, trying to take ahold of the root of all evil. And was catapulted back in time to starfall.
Azriel looked radiant in his dark blue suit, the same color as his siphons. Slow music was playing and we were entwined, dancing to it, as the first souls began their journey across the night sky. My cheeks were flushed from being so close to him and was grateful for the darkness surrounding us. Instances like this one were rare. He almost never let anyone touch him, not like this, at least. "It's so beautiful, isn't it?", I asked him, "But isn't it sad how all souls have to make this journey alone?".
He stopped our movements and looked away from me at the sky, as if for the first time that day. "It is. But I don't know if they are truly alone. Wherever they go, I think they will meet again". Thousands of comets rained from the sky. I smiled at his thought and hugged him a little tighter. I hoped he was right. No matter what came after this life, whatever existence the Cauldron had in store for us, without Azriel it would be meaningless.
"Do you think we will see us again?" Our eyes met. The golden specks in his were glowing in the starlight and my breath hitched at the softness of his gaze. There were a million questions in this simple one. Words that had been stuck in my throat for hundreds of years, that always went unsaid, that I had been choking on for eternity.
"I will find you, no matter where. I promise". My heart skipped a beat.
"I love you, I always have", I wanted to say, but it only came out:"And I will find you". His wings cocooned me in, blocking out the noise and light. When he unfoldet them again slightly, we were standing on a deserted terrace under the stars. "Azriel, Iā¦" His face came closer, our lips almost touching - but there was somebody watching.
"Get. The fuck. Out. Of. My. Head. RHYSAND", I nearly screamed as I wound myself out of his embrace. "We are very good friends and I know you know almost every thought in my head. But this. This is fucking private". Now, I was seething. How could he? My innermost thoughts, my most guarded memories. I wanted to curse the Mother for putting me through this misery.
"I don't know if you noticed, but all of your walls were down. You were practically inviting me in", he reasoned, eyes glinting.
"Again, you can see anything you want. But not this", I repeated. My hands balled into fists at my sides. Thick iron walls fell down around my brain, shutting him out.
"Interesting", he mused, chuckling to himself. "I think you should talk to him. I don't think you need to worry at all".
I was already striding out, planning on fetching Cassian to channel my anger into sparring. "I love you, Rhys, you're like a brother to me. Please keep that in mind when I say go fuck yourself".
A hearty laugh sounded from behind me and a whisper in my mind said: "Soon you will understand"
A/N: Sorry, that I haven't posted in quite a while! I was lacking motivation a little bit and had a ton of other stuff to do. This one here was not requested, but the idea for it was stuck in my head for a couple days now and I couldn't concentrate on writing anything else. I will probably write some of the open requests soon.
āCome on, Y/N, weāre waiting for you!ā. Cassianās voice is calling out to you from the dance floor. Behind him, you spot Mor, looking seriously offended youāre leaving her alone and instead sitting in a corner of Ritaās with a not even half-finished drink in your hand. Rhys and Feyre must be here somewhere too.
Even Azriel is on the dance floor, a rare sight. You canāt help but stare at him, the way his wings glow faintly in the glimmering lights of the club. His body that moves so flawlessly to the rhythm, so unlike the movements you are used to see him perform when training.
Fingers entangled in your hair, the hot feeling of his lips on yours. His voice in your ear, telling you he would take you slowly.
You shake your head as if to get rid of the memory, but still blush as Azrielās gaze meets yours for a second.
āIām sorry guys, but I donāt feel like dancing todayā, you excuse yourself. That being said, you set down your glass and quickly escape out into the night.
Inhaling the cold air slowly, you try to calm down. Itās not his fault, you remind yourself, that you canāt seem to get over him. That you start thinking in an inappropriate way as soon as your eyes meet.
His lips met your neck, kissing and sucking on it. You couldnāt help but lean into his touch, your body begging for him to come closer. As his kisses travel downward you cannot help but moan out his name.
āY/N is everything okay?ā, Mor calls out to you. The fantasy in your head is gone, leaving you restless, yearning for him.
āYes, Iām fineā, you say, not looking up.
āNo, youāre not and you know thatā. Sheās close enough to see your face now. āWhatās wrong?ā, she asks. Her eyes soften as she hugs you. Mor must have seen your despair.
āI- itās nothing, reallyā. At her strict look, you wince a little bit. You want to tell her. But itās just so embarrassing.
āI had sex. With Azrielā, you start over, taking a deep breath. But before you can continue, she exclaims: āBy the Mother, thatās awesome! When? Why didnāt you tell me?ā.
A tear builds up in your eye and before you know it, youāre crying into her shoulder.
āIt- itā¦ it was a couple years agoā, you finally manage to say. By now all you can really feel is embarrassment. āAnd itās not awesome. Well, it was. But-ā. You start sobbing again.
āIt was a one-night stand. Heā¦ acts as if nothing ever happened, but I canāt stop thinking about it and whenever he looks at me, I-ā. You stop talking. It sounds absolutely idiotic, even to you.
But Mor doesnāt look bewildered. Instead, she hugs you even tighter, rubbing your back slightly.
āWhat happens then, sweetie?ā, she asks.
Sighing, you gulp down your embarrassment: āI miss him. A lot. Heās still there, of course. But afterwards he stopped talking to me the way he did before. Weāre not as close anymore. And above all I not only miss our friendship ā¦ā, your cheeks heat up again, āSince him Iāve never had sex THAT good again, so I stopped having any altogether. And now Iām not only missing him and kind of into him, Iām also sexually frustrated and lonelyā.
You did have sex with other males in the succeeding weeks. But none of them had been able to give you the same feeling he did. That indescribable feeling of closure and ā¦ being loved. Even though he most likely didnāt love you, because it took him a month to even look at you again.
Morās face is a mix of amusement and empathy: āLikeā¦ no sex in years? For a guy who fucked you so good but then what? Ignored you? Even though there was this feeling that nobody else could give you?ā. You nod, and she actually starts laughing. āHoney, if you werenāt that sad it would be hilarious, because it sure as hell sounds like heās your mateā.
Your entire world shifts in that moment.
Your sweaty bodies are tangled in his sheets, gasping for air. Azrielās shadows swirling around you, purring in your ears. With his final thrust, the world around you seems to fade away. Thereās just him and you, for a second you donāt even know where his body ends and yours begins anymore.
Shocked, you look at her. āIā¦ that kind of makes sense? But he wouldāve talked to me then, wouldnāt he? I ā¦ Iām so confused right nowā.
Your thoughts are running wild. Was this the reason he ignored you? Because he was overwhelmed? Was he waiting for you to make the first step? Orā¦ Or was he not interested in the bond and wanted to reject it?
āY/N? Mor? Is everything alright? Rhys told me to look after you, youāve been gone for quite a while nowā. You quickly wipe away your tears at Azrielās voice. What should you tell him?
Mor winks at you, already making her way back towards the entrance: āEverything alright, shadowsinger. You might want to stay and talk to Y/N for a second thoughā.
And just like that, Mor vanishes, leaving me alone with Azriel. His wings are slightly shuffling behind his back and his gaze on me looks worried.
āSo, uhm what did Mor mean?ā. His shadows are coiling closely around his arms, showing how uncomfortable he is.
You inhale slowly, making sense of your thoughts. You find no good solution, so you just decide to start at the beginning.
āA couple of years ago weā¦ after a celebration for you when you came home from a mission we had sex. Do you remember?ā. It was almost painful to say this while watching him. Not only was the atmosphere incredibly tense, but also the possibility of him actually having forgotten about it made you sad.
He frowned a little, āI do remember, Y/N. Quite well, actually. But I donāt get what youāre trying to tell meā. For a second, you believe to see a certain hunger in his eyes. An expression you had only seen once on him before.
Nodding, you continue, āThere was thisā¦ this feeling back then. Something Iāve never felt before. And nobody else has been able to make me feel the same way. I told Mor about itā¦ā
You canāt finish your sentence, he cuts in sharply, āWhy are you telling Mor this after years?ā. And to himself, almost inaudible, he murmurs, āDonāt think about the other malesā. The anger on his face is devastating.
You are absolutely terrified, but know you have to tell him. So, you muster up all of your courage and speek the words aloud that had been on your mind ever since, āBecause I am in love with you. Because I donāt know what I should do about this, as youāre so distant all the time. And I cannot take this anymore, I miss you. I hate seeing you with other females. When I canāt fall asleep I think about this connection I felt that nightā.
The pure shock on his face quickly gives way to a broad smile. āAnd what Mor meant is thatā¦ when I talked to her and described that feeling to her, she said we are most probably matesā. The last word is purely a whisper hanging in the air between you two. Mates.
And then, without hesitation, he begins to talk. āThe first time I felt the bond was about two weeks before that night, when I said goodbye to you before that mission. It was so painful to leave you behindā¦ā
āHold up, you knew of the bond?ā, you question him. Guilt creeps upon his face. āWhy didnāt you tell me? Why did you ignore me for weeks after we had sex? Do you know what this did to me? All these years and you didnāt bother to just talk to me?ā. Hot tears again spill over your cheeks.
He comes closer, as to wipe your tears away, but you back away.
āY/N, I thought you didnāt want the bond. That you rejected it. Or worse, that it was only one-sided, because I couldnāt feel you across it. Rhys told me that the safest way to know was to just sleep with you, because then the bond normally clears up, but it didnāt work. At least I thought soā. The look on his face is pleading, but still, all you feel is anger and loneliness.
āSo you only slept with me because Rhys told you so?ā.
āNo! I did it, because I love you and wanted you, truly. I still wished that the mating bond would reveal itself. And when I thought that it hadnāt worked, I couldnāt bear to be around you. I was so angry at the Cauldron, because I felt unworthy. Again. Imagine being in my situation. Having a mate, but the bond not working completely, the other person unaware of whatās going on! I did what I had to do to protect myselfā.
The vulnerability in his statement catches you absolutely off guard. A small smile formed on your face, as you walk a few steps towards him.
āMaybe we werenāt ready back then. Maybe it kept us waiting, because it knew we would need the time to work things outā, you suggest, closing the distance between you and him.
His eyes twinkle in the starlight, as he lowers his head, āWell, thereās only one way of finding outā, he says as he cradles your head in his hands. Slowly, he comes closer and closer, until you canāt endure the tension anymore and slam your lips on his.
His lips are velvet on yours, only intensifying the kiss after a few seconds. He holds himself back, almost painfully so. But you are yearning for him, for his touch. And as you licked his lower lip and he grants you access to his mouth, you felt it again. The euphoria racing through your veins. And as you kept kissing, it was as if a fog lifts itself and all of a sudden you can feel him, not only against your body, but also against your soul, interlocking with it.
He must have felt the same thing, as we both gasp for air almost at the same time. Azrielās mouth twists into a smile as he kisses me again. His wings are now wrapped around you, obscuring you from any passers-by.
āIāve waited 500 years to find you, my mateā, he says. The word echoing through me. Mate. Mate. Mate. You still canāt believe this is actually happening, as you send a wave of love across the bond. āBut I would have waited 500 more for you. For this moment aloneā.
At this, you kiss him again, unable to express your emotions any other way. āLetās end this journey how we began it, shall we? With me in your bedā.
