The other night I heard you were in the area. Your aunt said something along the lines of visiting your parents
I personally think it was to see your cat and then maybe your parents. Regardless, you're close enough to be in my life again and I felt scared.
I immediately started fantasizing delusions of you, perhaps on a drunken night when I wander the streets, a habit of mine on such nights, I find solace in the figure that lays in the dark playing the street piano, only to recognize all the songs as our songs, and its then when you look into my soul and find me as vulnerable as you left me.
A rich emerald gaze bleeds silk into my body smoother than any smoke.
Or alternatively you find me by the fountain where we had one of our first dates, only this time im with a new potential lover. (their idea for the date location not mine) I imagine your face cracking before me falling apart and shattering into a bazillion little scrunches just as I had come to know time and time again. Or worse off you stop before me in shock before turning to hopeless content realizing my heart truly does not belong to you, then as quickly as you arrived you leave, once again having me assume the worst.
You always seemed happiest when you put death at your doorstep, I preached and prayed like a child of god, but much like god you never answered, the only "advantage" I ever had in such situations was my body.
Many times have I drawn blood in the presence of your unrelenting cries, my skin still remembers the feeling of ornate cast iron fence toppers as they greet my ribs and knees, and my spine still remembers the chilling sight of dirt breaking apart on jagged rocks and being washed away by waves that jumped at us like starving dogs 40 feet below.
You were in my arms at that moment and that was all that had mattered but you were hollow, crying to me as I marched your lifted frame back into the padded cell that was my bedroom. The warmest thing I had felt that night was when you fell asleep and I had torn off the bandages you put on my ribs and let the blood trickle down my sides.
All of this still lives with me when I think of you. Maybe I have been too harsh, there's a lot of joy that comes with the idea of you coming back into my life but equally as much fear. Fear of my own failures, fear of your wrath or worse your undying love, and most especially fear of the truth that came with change
The truth that im no longer the person who I said I was, and that I will never be the person I say I am because to be healthy is to grow and to grow is to change and to change, feelings or otherwise, was always your greatest fear because every change you had experienced had only hurt you, and I, more or less unintentionally added to that.
I have since then learned love to be conditional, for you still have my heart in many ways but conditionally its better for us to be apart.