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Primarchs with internet access

Lion El’Jonson He gets internet access and immediately uses it like a classified military archive. He only lurks and has no profile picture or username. Somehow he has accounts on forums that have been dead since 2007. He knows everything everyone has ever posted and has screenshots… and backups of the screenshots. He is in twelve Discord servers but has never typed. His status is always invisible and when he finally sends one message it’s: “Explain”.

The Lion doesn’t get internet drama, he sees it as intelligence warfare. Someone tweets “hot take: the Dark Angels seem suspicious” and three minutes later their router starts making weird noises.

Fulgrim He becomes an influencer in under 48 hours. His Instagram is unbearable and every post is him in perfect lighting. He starts a skincare channel, a fashion review channel, a music theory channel and a video essay channel where every video is secretly about himself. Once he discovers thirst traps he becomes impossible to live with.

He also discovers comment sections. One person writes: “mid” and Fulgrim spends six sleepless days crafting a response so devastating that it becomes a legally recognized form of psychological warfare.

Perturabo He immediately learns CAD, 3D printing, coding, modding, cybersecurity and whatever else gives him more reasons to be angry. He has a Reddit account with negative karma despite being correct in every single thread.

Someone posts a bridge design and Perturabo replies with a 9000 words correction with load calculations and a final paragraph explaining why the poster’s bloodline has failed architecture. Nobody reads it… this confirms everything he already believed about humanity. He also plays Minecraft but only in survival mode building vast functional megastructures underground that nobody is allowed to see.

Jaghatai Discovers motorbike videos, illegal street racing clips, travel vlogs and oddly specific forums about custom engines. He barely posts, he just appears in comment sections under videos of people doing insane runs through mountains.

He starts a channel where he reviews roads. It has no intro, branding or editing, it’s just helmet footage. Somehow it becomes huge. He refuses sponsorships unless they are from tire companies. His comment section is weirdly peaceful because everyone knows if they start drama he will appear at their house to take them for a ride while he explains humility at 300 km/h.

Russ His internet access lasts 12 minutes before he starts a flame war with an entire forum. He discovers memes and immediately understands them at a spiritual level. He has the worst profile pictures, it’s blurry, too close to the face, most of the time it’s him holding a drink and the caption is like ‘me n the lads”. Russ discovers reaction gifs and uses them incorrectly but with such confidence that everyone else starts questioning themselves.

He types in all caps when excited, which is always. He joins a reddit group about werewolves and gets banned for arguing that most members do not understand wolves, war, brotherhood, drinking, loyalty or winter.

Dorn The only one to use internet properly. His passwords are secure, his files are organized, his browser has no extensions except one ad blocker and his desktop is empty. He reads terms and conditions, all of them. He uses LinkedIn unironically and posts things like: “Reliability is built one decision at a time.” He has exactly one social media account where he follows only official infrastructure pages and comments “good work” under civil engineering announcements.

He doesn’t understand memes but he respects that they are load bearing cultural structures. Once someone sent him a ‘bro lives in a society’ meme, Dorn studies it for nineteen minutes and replied: “we do.”

Konrad Curze Banned from every platform because he keeps accurately predicting people’s future crimes in comment sections. “Rate my fit.” Someone posts. “You will betray your friend in seven months over money.” Curze replies. Everyone thinks he is doing a bit until it happens.

His youtube recommendations are horrifying, things like: true crime, urban decay, abandoned mall footage, court trials, analog horror and videos titled things like The Last Sound Recorded Before Disaster. He starts making video essays, they are extremely well edited and completely unwatchable because they feel personally accusatory. His channel description is just: “You were warned.”

Sanguinius Beloved online instantly. He posts a single photo once with no caption and the entire internet collapses. People who hate each other stop mid argument to say “wait he’s beautiful though.” He starts using social media to encourage people, support artists, boost charity campaigns and tell strangers they are not beyond redemption. This causes mass emotional damage, his comment sections are full of people crying.

The problem is that he also has prophetic dreams so sometimes his posts are like: “Cherish the light today because it will be needed tomorrow.” And then something terrible trends the next day.

Ferrus Ferrus watches machine videos, that’s all. He has no patience for social media, no interest in arguing online and absolute contempt for influencers reviewing tools they clearly can’t use. He leaves comments only when someone’s technique is dangerous: “clamp the piece before you lose a finger.” That’s his entire online presence.

His favorite content is restoration channels, blacksmithing channels, hydraulic press videos and ‘turning a solid block of metal into something absurdly precise’ videos. He doesn’t subscribe, he simply returns.

Angron He clicks one popup ad and punches the monitor so hard the desk becomes archaeology. He discovers comment sections and immediately assumes everyone is challenging him. “first” someone writes. “FIRST TO DIE?” Angron replies.

He gets into online gaming for eleven minutes and is banned from every server for voice chat violations, hardware destruction and somehow causing emotional harm to the moderation team. The only thing that calms him down is oddly satisfying soap-cutting videos.

Guilliman He becomes terrifyingly productive and builds a personal dashboard for news, policy, logistics, military history, agricultural reports, tax reform and supply chains. He has 142 browser tabs open and knows each one of them.

His social media presence is sterile but effective, every post is formatted, sourced, tagged and accompanied by a summary for ‘those with limited time.’ He gets into online arguments only to correct misinformation then accidentally writes a full white paper in the replies. He hates doomscrolling because it is inefficient despair but still does it for exactly 12 minutes per day to monitor morale. The Codex Astartes receives an appendix on password hygiene.

Mortarion He falls into the worst corners of the internet immediately: forums with gray backgrounds, conspiracy boards, mold remediation groups, medical misinformation subreddits and places where every user has a username like rotfather1973. He trusts none of it but reads all of it and his search history is spiritually damp.

He starts a blog where he reviews modern civilization, scented candles, air fresheners and public health policy with equal disgust.

Magnus the Red Magnus with internet access is worse than Magnus with sorcery because now the bad decisions are searchable. He discovers online archives, occult forums, academic databases, piracy sites, language apps and ten thousand pdf labeled `FINAL_REAL_VERSION_3`.

He has twelve monitors and is reading all of them. He joins an argument about historical translation and accidentally reveals knowledge no living person should possess. He corrects Wikipedia pages at 3:00 a.m. with sources that technically don’t exist yet. He sees a warning telling him to not click this suspicious link and thinks: “But why?”

Horus He understands social media instantly. He makes perfect posts with perfect timing, everyone feels personally seen and thinks they are his favorite mutual. He starts with motivational leadership content, then podcasts, then private communities, then paid tiers and a newsletter… somehow half the internet is calling him Warmaster as a joke except it isn’t a joke anymore.

He never posts anything overtly bad, everything is reasonable and sensible until the day he uploads a video titled: “We Need To Talk About The Emperor” and the algorithm does the rest.

Lorgar He discovers blogging and becomes unstoppable with long posts, longer threads, Medium articles, newsletters, PDFs with dramatic covers and comment replies that become sermons. He cries the first time one of his posts goes viral then he makes everyone else cry by accident.

His Substack is called The Word in the Static and it has terrifying engagement, he starts every post with “beloved reader” and ends with “you are seen.” People realize too late they have joined a religion with a Discord server, merch and weekly voice calls.

Vulkan Uses the internet to learn crafts, help people fix things and watch videos of animals being rescued. He is wholesome in a way that causes psychic damage to cynics. His youtube history is woodworking, metal casting, cooking, restoration, charity builds and “man makes tiny house for stray cat” videos. He leaves kind comments under small creators’ work: “You are improving, be proud of your work.” The creator cries.

Vulkan also discovers online marketplaces and starts buying broken tools because they deserve a second life. His workshop becomes impossible to enter. He is banned from one DIY forum after telling someone, very gently, that their homemade furnace is a funeral announcement.

Corvus Corax He uses the internet like a ghost. No accounts connected to his real identity, no visible presence or digital footprint but somehow still knows everything. He is on encrypted chats, privacy forums, abandoned poetry blogs, obscure political theory archives and extremely niche music platforms. His posts are either revolutionary manifestos or sad bird photos, no middle ground.

He runs several anonymous accounts that expose corruption, organize mutual aid and review black eyeliner.

Alpharius Omegon They already had internet access somehow. They are several moderators, bots and the person arguing with the bots. They are also the person writing the article about bot activity, the anonymous source in the article and the fact checker. Every Alpharius official account is fake including the real one.

They run ARGs that accidentally become cult recruitment pipelines, intelligence operations disguised as meme pages and meme pages disguised as intelligence operations.

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