from when i went under.

Valeria Alvarez. Thirty-Eight. Junior Partner.

[valing]

alisongruber:

     alison was in no mood for this but she was doing her best to breathe through the irritation. fighting with a drunk val was the last thing she wanted to do, she was sure they’d fought enough for one day anyway. “i bet you are,” she replied softly, a slight hum escaping her lips before she balanced val mostly against her side. the other woman was hardly standing on her own. finally getting to vals room, alison smiled sadly as she led her to the bed to sit. once she was sure the other was situated for a minute, she picked some night clothes up off the floor in the mess that val had left and set them next to her before turning on her heel. “here, try to change into those well i get you some water and a bucket – in case you’re sick.” voice was soft, her motherly instincts taking over, the last thing she was worried about were her underlying feelings for the other woman.

       everything seemed to feel worse when she had to sit still for a moment while alison gave her instructions that she was only half following; this wasn’t fair and she know it but she wasn’t functional enough to voice that concern. valeria HAD loved alison, perhaps a little TOO much. them being together hadn’t done her mental health any good and she feared that she was worse than when she was hospitalised. keeping alison in the dark had seemed like a good idea but now she had ruined alison and herself in the process. “i’m a bad person, you don’t need to do that.” everything felt worse as she was forced to be stationary on her bed. nodding slowly, the woman proceeded to take her top off.she was a state, she knew that and SHE had done this to herself; she couldn’t blame alison for this. what had she done? the lies, the destruction, it was all catching up with her and the woman was afraid that she couldn’t stop herself from doing these things. valeria was a successful lawyer so why wasn’t she happy? why hadn’t she been happy when alison FINALLY admitted that she loved her? nothing made sense to her...

[averygruber]

I told you, I’m not hungry. Besides, forcing feeding isn’t going to get me to talk to you. 

[valing]

        after the mess of the other night, valeria thought that it was best to stay away from them both as much as possible. while she was grateful to alison for looking after her after she had stumbled in intoxicated from alcohol and god knows what else but she didn’t deserve to be around her after that. the other woman had SEEN that her behaviour wasn’t normal and that it needed to be stopped. val was too embarrassed to admit what was going on with her; she was supposed to be the strong and supportive one... “just eat it, avery. you need to eat something.”

[valing]

alisongruber:

“yes, he was.” the brunette replied tiredly, her fingers of her free hand running through her hair as she sighed softly. there was nothing right about this, she’d never seen val drunk and if it wasn’t so late she would probably think it was funny. “how many drinks did you have? you know you shouldn’t take drinks from other people –” the woman muttered though cut off her seemingly motherly rant. val knew all of this as an adult but it was clear right now that she didn’t care. there was a moment where she heaved a sigh, seemingly unimpressed by the womans words. “shut up, valeria. i do care. i’m not  fighting with you though.” before she could stop her the woman stumbled and she huffed. “damn it, come on. it’s bed time.” again, she reached for the woman wrapping an arm around her waist this time. “we’re going to stay here tonight so i can watch you. make sure you’re okay.” she assured, a yawn escaping before she made sure her hold on val was tight and tugged her forward.

           it was self-sabotage, that was clear. the woman had gone out with this exactly intention even though there was the possibility of calling her therapist or a helpline; she couldn’t even admit it to herself, how was she supposed to tell anyone else that she was struggling. valeria was fighting her diagnosis when she should have been following her treatment plan. the woman wasn’t really in a state to be able to take on alison’s ranting. she had been embarrassed how she had acted but more SCARED that she now knew something was severely wrong with her. val had always been the listener, the one to help the other and support her as much as she could; this dynamic did not sit well with her. head spinning, valeria tried to focus on the floor as alison tried to steady her. no fault could be made on alison now, she was a SAINT and it was clear to valeria that she was just going to bring her down with her. “me? i’m fine. just a little nauseous...”

[valing]

alisongruber:

in her angered state, alison wouldn’t dare  to drive anywhere with avery in the car, plush her daughter was out like a light. she’d wait until she’d woken up to go anywhere, and she’d migrate on the couch until then. plus, even through frustration she was worried about Val and  she needed to make sure that she got home safely. so, the brunette laid herself on the couch, figuring val would only be gone for a while, but as the hours ticked back alison found herself growing sleepier and sleepier resulting in her body soon giving up to her and forcing her to fall asleep. though it seemed as soon as she’d fallen into a deep sleep, she was awoken by a male voice and a very loud clearly slurring female. rubbing sleepily at her eyes she slowly sat up with a groan, eyes falling onto the two figures by the couch. “what the hell? val, are you drunk?” chewing nervously at her lip, her eyes met the friendly mans and she gave him a grateful smile. “i’ve got it from here.. thanks for taking care of her.”standing up slowly, her hand reached out and gently gripped val’s arm to keep her steady. “you have to be quiet, it’s late.” even though she’s still angry, her voice is calm, caring even.

         hearing alison’s voice, the woman just rolled her eyes. the male nodded towards the woman who had appeared to be sleeping on the couch. “she’s had a lot, can’t say how much. no problem, wasn’t going to leave her.” nodding once more, he pulled a sorry smile towards alison and then left. it felt like she was just being passed from person to person now. “i haven’t, i-” her speech was slurred and she stumbled slightly as she was transferred to alison. everything about this situation was as unsteady as val looked; a simple tap was probably enough to push her over. “he was very nice...” pointing to the door, the woman nodded as she shut her eyes. “very, very nice man.” this wasn’t right, it was self-destructive and it hadn’t solved anything. it just blocked out most things, her main priority being that she had to stay upright and act sober but she was failing at that. “much nicer than all of those other ones who bought me drinks...” valeria wasn’t functional, that was evident as alison kept a hold of her. the woman didn’t feel right but it wouldn’t do her any good with the other as it was obvious that she was intoxicated. “had a few, that’s all. don’t pretend you care.” even in her drunken state, she had to slip that one in. as she tried to move away from the other female, val felt herself stumble once more. “shit.” a chuckle escaped her.

[valing]

alisongruber:

    it wasn’t simple, none of this was but maybe this was what she got for even continuing the relationship with the other woman in the first place. it was karma, she was sure of it, for doing this whole thing so BACKWARD. eyes closed for a moment only to be surprised at the snap of the womans voice. with a shake of her own head, the sadness soon turned to anger. if val snapped at her one more time, she knew she was going to get pissed. she was really getting so sick of people always yelling at her for trying to do the right thing. “sorry..” was the only word that escaped her lips though, eyes rolling slightly as she slid back away from the woman. she couldn’t make ANYONE happy clearly. the next words fell into the air and the woman glared, skin heating up in anger. “of course my priorities lie with my DAUGHTER valeria, they always will. because she’s my DAUGHTER. i am so sick and tired of everyone getting pissed off at me for things i can’t FUCKING control.” an unamused smile appeared on her lips, and she didn’t even care to console the other as she looked for her coat, instead she huffed – heading into the kitchen. val could leave if she wanted, maybe they just needed space.

        anyone in that apartment would have been able to sense the other woman’s anger towards valeria; it was called for and this proved that the other was right. this behaviour was NOT normal and it did need to be addressed but at a time when the woman wasn’t so erratic. she had done everything right up until this and had always put alison first and THIS was what she got in return. deep down, val knew that she had left the other woman no choice as she was refusing to talk to her about anything but she felt like she couldn’t; alison was going to hate her if she had found out all the things that she had done and there was no coming back from that. she let the other shout at her, she deserved it and seemed to be done with the situation. val HATED fighting with the woman, that was the last thing she wanted to do but a part of her kept trying to push the other and it was going too far. picking up her coat and bag, she shook her head. this was a bad idea, going out alone in this state but she just needed to get away from it all. her departure was accompanied with a slam of the door. 

______________________________________________________

           time seemed to just drift away from valeria as she had been seated at the bar. the woman didn’t know how much she had drunk but her inability to see straight definitely told her that it had been too much. had she even called her therapist? that was one that she’d have to wait until the morning to answer... it had been dangerous going alone, particularly with her ranting about how her girlfriend was leaving her; half truths were never settling things. however, there was a nice enough male to see that the woman was in trouble when he caught sight of her surrounded by men and then constantly buying her drinks. when he intervened, the woman seemed to be intoxicated in more than one way and as worry set in, he had made the decision to leave his work group and to bring her home. as she stumbled into the apartment block, he tried to steady her; val had already had an unpleasant altercation with the ground as she had stood up from the bar. she was escorted into the lift. “you know, i think it’s floor four but i’m not positive.” nodding, the woman searched for her keys in her bag. it had seemed that she had gone through all emotions while intoxicated and now she was starting to zone out slightly... after five minutes of trying to get her to find her door, he unlocked it and ushered her in, still gripping her arm to steady her. “why are there so many lights on in here?” stumbling, she gripped onto his arm. “thank you, kind and strong male for escorting me back.” valeria’s voice was loud, inconsiderate given the time of her arrival.

[valing]

alisongruber:

   for a moment alison was UNSURE if this was the right thing to do but she knew that it was what her daughter wanted, probably needed. she was scared though, she’d not once ever been on her own. she didn’t know how to be, and she didn’t know if she’d be good at this. there was so much doubt in her mind that she almost took all of this back but it was better this way, and a small part of her mind knew it, was telling her that.”come on, val. i’ll see you at work. it’s not like i’m dying.” her eyes still burned with unshed tears and she hated it. holding them back was hard for her but she had no other choice, not right now. she wouldn’t break. “you can..” she responded gently, voice tight as she took the other womans hand, giving it a tight squeeze. she was worried sure, but she didn’t know what the hell else to do. they just needed a BREAK, she needed one.  everything was happening too quickly and she just needed to breathe. “okay.. you’ll be back, right? i.. don’t want to leave without REALLY saying goodbye, ‘cause i really think we’ll go to a hotel, give you your space back. give you space from.. me.”

             wiping her eyes, the woman nodded in agreement but she knew seeing the woman was going to be difficult. now she just felt like running back to her old firm; she had embarrassed herself but she had been seeing her therapist (despite lying to her) and they weren’t able to discriminate. maybe it would give her a chance to realise that her colleague was right about her and he needed more than a few more apologies for that work night out. tears fell as the other squeezed her hand, a sign of support where she didn’t deserve it. valeria didn’t WANT to say goodbye to alison but she was already conflicted; either sabotage herself and all the work she had done to let the other go or continue to play her when alison needed to focus on avery. “alison, i just need time to think!” snapping once more, she shook her head. the woman was incapable of thinking about the future, not when she was panicking about being left alone. withdrawing from the other’s touch, val finally stood up and took a deep breath. she was out of control and her behaviour was unacceptable but she felt like she was being boxed in. “you’ve shown where your priorities lie so go and find your daughter...” it was harsh, alison was trying her best but it was never going to be enough; the sudden mood swings weren’t fair on her. “i’m sorry.” shaking her head once more, the older woman exited the room as her tears started once more in order to look for her coat.

[valing]

alisongruber:

     instead of sitting right where she could touch the other woman alison instead moved to sit next to her, back resting against the bed. silence had filled the room, but she refused to cry. she wouldn’t, this time she had to be wrong even though the tears were really burning at her eyes almost to the point of pain. she hated herself for admitting it like this, her i love you but god she did and that’s why it hurt even more. “i don’t either but i don’t know what to do, val. you have to at least try to understand that. i’m sick.. i have things i need to figure out, i really need to be there for avery. i don’t even know all that eric did to her for sure and we really need to figure that out.” teeth bit down on her lip, probably hard enough to draw blood as she traced patterns on the floor with her finger. “and i want you to be okay, too – i care so so much about you. i know i’ve never shown it properly but, god. i want you to be happy, and you aren’t.” smiling sadly, the tears in her eyes shining she nodded her head softly. “me too.. i.. really do love you and i’m not going anywhere, val. i’ll always be here, a call away. you can always talk to me, about anything.”

         there was no doubt that she had gone too far as she looked down at the clothes spewed over the floor. valeria had always put alison first but she wasn’t going it now; she had failed her as well as herself. her effort to manipulate situations was dangerous and although they had gotten her and alison living together, it was just based on LIES. “no, of course.” avery was important to the other woman so she was important to her and she couldn’t even think about what the young girl went through, particularly when she was in this state of her own. valeria didn’t want the other to leave but perhaps the distance would create some sort of clarity in her mind and make her realise her actions are wrong. alison was right, she wasn’t happy but she should be. the other woman had been staying with her, finally admitted that she LOVED her but nothing seemed to change her. that announcement didn’t fill her with joy, if anything she felt guilt for manipulating the other this far. “i don’t know what i’ll do without you...” a manipulation tactic, maybe but it wasn’t far from the truth and she was unable to stop it. “i can’t-” shaking her head, val didn’t even know what she was implying. it felt like she couldn’t do anything to get alison back to her without lying. the truth had to come out at some point and she knew she’d be shunned if it did. “i just need to get of here, make some phone calls...” to her therapist, maybe back to her old firm... THIS wasn’t here, it just wasn’t. however, she was unknowingly sabotaging herself.

[valing]

alisongruber:

      raising up on her knees so that there was a bit of a height difference, the younger woman sighed softly as soon as valeria spoke. “no one’s right, i sure as hell am not. no one, val. but – maybe if you’re feeling..  like this you should talk to someone.” this was breaking her heart because she knew, had a feeling that they would need to take some time apart, be friends or something for a while, until they both got on their feet. even though she didn’t like the prospect, she knew it was for the best. thumb still gently stroked against the others skin as she calmed, her own blue orbs full of unshed tears. a gentle kiss pressed to the other womans forehead, ali sighed before pulling back. “i’m sorry too..” trailing off, she swallowed thickly. “maybe we really should take sometime, until i figure – until we figure out what’s happening with ourselves.” picking at lose thread on her jeans, she sniffled slightly before glancing up again. “i – you know that i love you, right?”

            that’s what she was SUPPOSED to be doing yet she had failed to be honest with her therapist. her actions were shameful and it was going to be difficult for the woman to come clean to those around her. it wasn’t normal to feel this way and now, it seemed that she was at risk of throwing everything away that she had worked so hard for. this situation was a mess, it always had been but valeria had kept up her facade as she took on the role of the strong one for alison’s benefit and she had managed to stick to it until now. all the woman could do was nod at her suggestion, it was the only way to avoid disclosing her ordeal. more tears fell as alison kissed her forehead as it felt like the last time the woman would be that tender with her. when she would find out that the woman lied to her for all this time as her health declined, there was a possibility that she would never speak to her again and that meant she would truly be alone. “i don’t want that, ali...” of course, that was going to be valeria’s immediate reaction; she FEARED abandonment and it was an opportunity for alison to fall out of contact with her; that’s what made the following statement bittersweet. that’s what she had LONGED for, for alison to say that she loved her but when it came, it just HURT. “i love you, alison.” deflecting from the question posed by the other, the woman nodded once more. she didn’t DESERVE it at this point...

[valing]

alisongruber:

     she knew, she could feel val closing herself off. it’d been months of whatever they were – longer probably if she really thought about it, alison liked to think she knew the woman, at least enough to read her. shrugging her shoulders she took a chance, slipping down on the floor where val was to take a seat. silence overcame them for a moment except for the sound of val’s tears and the brunette swallowed nervously at the sound. she KNEW how to calm avery down, but this was different. “okay then.. i’m not sorry.  i kind of liked this, honestly. i’m not sorry at all.” her words were a whisper, hidden meaning behind them that she wouldn’t speak out-loud. “what’s not right?” she huffed out the words, hand moving to the womans cheek as she slid closer, wiping some tears with her thumb. “you.. emotionally..you’re, not yourself. not because you’re crying but because.. you just.. i can tell, i know.” nodding her head she keeps her hand on the other womans cheek glancing at her. “are you seriously not going to tell me what’s wrong?” for a moment, she’s hurt because she shares everything but, she shakes it off. “just breathe. a deep breath, sweetheart.” the pet-name falling from her lips before she realizes.

           keeping her head down as alison came down to her level, the woman wiped her tears from her face. this could have been avoided but SHE had overreacted and she had made the situation a lot worse for herself. valeria knew that she didn’t deserve alison, not after all of the things she had done to get to her. it wasn’t normal, she knew that yet didn’t want to accept that she was damaged and that she had issues to address before she could be with anyone. her obsession with alison had been unhealthy but alison wasn’t the problem, she was... whimpering slightly as the other touched her face, val closed her eyes. how could she admit it to the woman when she couldn’t even admit it to herself. she had always been like this, the other woman just hadn’t seen this side of her. the woman hadn’t taken care of herself; she had lied to herself, alison, her therapist and had sabotaged any form of recovery. it wasn’t too late to start but she HAD to accept it for what it was, for the disorder it was. “i’m not right.” val shook her head before looking up briefly. she couldn’t bring herself to do it, not in this state. following alison’s instructions, the woman took a deep breath. “i’m so sorry.” the other had been through so much and she no longer wanted to be alison’s problem...

[yesyaramartinez]

[valing]

alisongruber:

    it’s a lie, as she leans against the doorframe, ali’s aware. she doesn’t know how she knows, but she knows. “it’s not fine,” she speaks softly before stepping further into the room. it’s cautious, she’s only been in here a few times before without the prospect of sex being involved and right now she feels like she’s intruding but she can’t help herself. “nothing is fine, if everything was fine you wouldn’t have flown off the handle so quickly.” she points out her voice a lot softer than it’d been in the living room. both of them may had overstepped, and alison was realizing. “maybe this is too much for you or something.. we can take time. it’s fine if you need time. i’d never even planned to involve avery, and i know seeing us both on a daily basis, we uprooted your life, your routine. i’m sorry.” she was a mom, it wasn’t difficult for her to realize that it was something deeper than that. “it’s not just that though,  there’s something else.. you can talk to me. i.. i’m fine now.” she really was doing better and it was unfair val to always worry about her and not the other way around. “you’re not.. well. you shouldn’t leave like this.”

            valeria doesn’t know what to do. alison is pushing her and rightfully so but there’s a need for her to put in the effort into herself. she always looked out for alison and comforted her when she needed it. this situation had escalated so much that she had ended up breaking down in front of her and the contrast made everything look ten times worse. maybe it was time for her to just focus on her career and that’s it; she doesn’t have the energy for this. alison was right, it WASN’T fine, this wasn’t right but she couldn’t talk about it with the woman. valeria was meant to be this indestructible, protective figure, not THIS or what her past was going to prove. “you don’t need to be sorry about it.” having the two here meant that she wasn’t alone and had physical proof of it. alison was now starting to dig and it made her feel sick. was it that obvious that there were underlying issues in this? she didn’t WANT alison to know, that was one of her main priorities and now she’d failed, just as the woman was starting to commit to her. “it’s not right, alison.” knowing full well that she ruined this, val didn’t want to spend time on this subject. “what does that even mean? that i’m not well? my career is going really well and that’s what i should focus on.” her words aren’t convincing as her voice cracks, tears still streaming. “i just need a minute...” the woman was determined to be fine, like she always portrayed herself to be. 

[valing]

alisongruber:

      she’s surprised to see the tears on the other womans face, all she wants to do is comfort her but she doesn’t reach out because she’s still a little shaken. her own eyes burn, but she’s shutting herself down, something she started doing so long ago. “i know, i don’t know what the hell to do, maybe it’s me..” she whispered softly, it did seem like all of her relationships got screwed up because of her, even things with her own daughter were rocky. she didn’t mean to shut her down, not really because somewhere deep down she loved her too, but she was shaken herself. they’d never even had a small argument before and this was something else. following after her, almost like a lost puppy alison shakes her head. this is unacceptable and something is going on, she can tell now. which is why she can’t let val leave, not by herself, and she won’t leave avery alone, so they’re stuck. “don’t go. talk to me… something’s wrong. something’s been wrong. you weren’t like this BEFORE.” brows furrow. “please, i’m worried for you.”

       even though valeria acted like alison was the problem, she knew it was herself. she was buried under lies; she had only offered to take avery to dance for ALISON, she had even made it so that they were in the same place at the same time... it wasn’t acceptable and she knew that her therapist and psychiatrist would be very disappointed, not just because she’d done it but because she had lied to everyone about it. that’s what she was, a liar. her ability to manipulate the truth that she had gotten in her job had made its way into her own life, making her believe the false realities that she had created for herself. dragging out a bag from underneath the bed, valeria shuts her eyes. she feels like everything has finally hit her and doesn’t want alison to see her like this. once she finds out that she’s a liar, that will be the end of them. shaking her head, the woman begins to collect her things scattered on the floor. “there’s nothing to talk about, al... it’s fine.” val CAN’T admit it, not like this. this was just how she was, how she’d always been and it took little conflict to bring this side of her out. “it’s better this way.” finally looking up at the other woman, she nodded. “you said i need space, this is me taking space.” it would be wise for her to make some calls once she’s out of the house but is too proud to admit that things are seriously wrong, wrong with HER. 

[valing]

alisongruber:

      eyes blink and for a second alison doesn’t say anything but then she does and she’s mad because val clearly doesn’t even close to understand. “she is fourteen years old, she doesn’t understand, val. she’s confused. her entire life has changed in a couple months and i just made it more confusing for her.” she huffed the words, eyes still cast downward. feeling her heartbeat slow as silence takes over she sighs,  “jesus christ, are you losing it? i never once  took ADVANTAGE OF YOU !” the words are a lot louder than she means them to be and she glances behind her, glad that the door to the room her and avery have somehow gotten used of sharing has the door closed. rolling her eyes, she’s suddenly far from in the mood for this as she looks up at the other woman before standing up from where she’s sitting. “i’m not doing this, valeria. you don’t get to criticize the way i do things..  especially with my daughter, ever.” a huff of air and she glances toward the ceiling with a shrug. “i’m sure you do,” now she’s not so sure, and honestly, she’s a little unsettled. how had she never noticed the woman was so intense before? what the HELL had set her off. “i don’t know.. you’re kind of freaking me out right now. maybe i should– we should uh, go somewhere else for tonight, avery and i.  give you some space.”

         what else was she supposed to do for these two? nothing seemed to be good enough. valeria was distressed by the situation, that was clear but it’s definitely not natural. she couldn’t control what she was feeling, everything feels JUSTIFIED in her mind and feels somewhat abandoned by alison. “i try for hard for you, ali. i’ve been patient with you, never asked for anything-” she can feel her eyes welling up with tears, something she’s never EVER done in front of the other. val has always been the strong one but she just felt so trapped. she had lied her way back to alison, LIED to her therapist about everything and she wasn’t going to be able to withstand the humiliation that came with it. what had started out as valeria being angry with the other was now her in tears, alison calling all of the shots. “i’m NOT losing it! i’m not!” she wasn’t ready to admit it, that has been a problem for a while and her protesting only confirms that something’s wrong. tears streaming down her face, the woman looked away from alison. she had just dismissed her statement, like she didn’t believe her and that HURT.  her attempt at taking a deep breath gets caught in her throat. “no, i’ll go.” although it’s her house, the woman can’t handle both of them walking out the door, or seeing it. it’s the only thing she can do to get control. if they’re gone by the time she gets back, it’ll hurt less. it’s not a good idea, her going out in this state but she doesn’t know what else to do. somehow she feels worse than she did that night in the bar because alison was HERE, she had been with her and SHE’D ruined it. walking quickly into the bedroom, she pulls out various drawers in an attempt to find items of clothing that she needs for the next morning. she’s rushing and it looks frantic but she just NEEDS to get OUT. 

[valing]

alisongruber:

      the womans tone, it reminds her of something that she hasn’t heard in weeks, and never from val herself. heart beating hard against her chest, alison swallows nervously. “i told her about..  us. and she’s mad because you’re screwing me.” she admitted finally though her words were a lot less vulgar than avery herself had used, nervously as her leg shakes in a fidgety manner.  it’s impossible to make eye-contact. though she’s positive that val would never physically hurt her, she can’t make eye contact, the abused woman inside of her, that she’s pushed deep down, telling her to be terrified. a gasp escapes, and she slightly yelps at the raise of val’s voice. “i – i think you need to calm down.” she insists, her voice a whisper. her feelings for val had been growing but this made her nervous. could she trust her, getting angry like this? “she– wants me to find somewhere for just her and i because – she w-wants time to just be u-us..” stop fucking stuttering her brain screams at her. she wasn’t even sure what the hell to say but swallowing past the lump in her throat, she wipes at the tears pushing at the corner of her eyes. “i never said us staying here was permanent.. i don’t understand why you’re so upset right now.. i told you, once i found a place we’d go there.. and you said fine. i told you it’d only be for a while, and i can’t – i don’t know what the hell you w-want from me, it’s not like i’m dumping you.”

         alison had told avery about them? now she was definitely confused as to why the woman had done that. still, the words that were fed back to her were incredible biased. “oh, okay. so i’m just screwing you because it’s on me and i’m just the one who’s screwing you...i’m just the one who’s screwing you.” valeria shakes her head as she brings her hands up to her face, almost in realisation that THAT was all she was ever going to be. by the other’s reaction, she does feel guilty for shouting at her; she knows that she shouldn’t have done it but her anger and DESPERATION has nowhere else to go. was that all she was ever going to be? the woman was certain that she’d put herself out there for alison, to help her as much as possible and now she feels like the other was just using her to get some sort of stability before moving on. val isn’t thinking rationally but she can’t see it. “ so you told your daughter about us and straight after, you decide to leave? i’m not here to be taken advantage of, alison.” that was hypocritical for her to say. yes, she had started all of this when alison was in a vulnerable position but she did love her, not that she was showing it now. “oh, so you suddenly admit that we’re together? you admitted it to your daughter before you admitted it to me.” there was nothing she could do about the situation, perhaps that’s why she’s panicking so much. getting close to avery hadn’t worked; she had done so much for the girl in hope that she would be more accepted in the future but that wasn’t to be. she was hurt EVERY time and wasn’t in the right mental state to be able to react to this in a calm way. taking a deep breath, val was able to soften her tone. “i love you, alison.” the change is slightly unsettling, even valeria knows that she’s desperate... “i just- can’t we all talk about this? together?”

[valing]

alisongruber:

     alison almost wished she realized that val was . late. she’d have something to be irritated about, something to distract her from the talk that she’d had with avery. but when the other woman spoke, she was even surprised to hear her voice.  glancing up, she gave the other woman a short smile, not sure what else to do. what could she do? she was feeling incredibly uneasy. “it’s fine,  my day was fine..you didn’t miss much,” understatement of the century alison, but whatever. fingers nervously brushed through her hair before alison finally completely glanced up. “i uh, did something.. and i think it was a really bad choice because avery’s pissed..” letting out a nervous breath, she swallowed. “mostly at you i think, but at me, too.. and she uh, wants us to find a place just us.. like me and her. her and i, i mean.” wow, okay, so that all came out at once.

             alison seems very tense, almost like she’s irritated at her. narrowing her eyes slightly at the woman, she waits for her to look up ( the wait feels like a lifetime ). “alison...” valeria started, releasing her words through gritted teeth. what was she trying to tell her? “you’re going to need to be a little more specific than something.” avery was mad at her? she had tried to best to accommodate the girl, KNOWING that she too had been subjected to her father’s abuse and had tried her best to make her feel as comfortable as possible. no, her intentions hadn’t been the purest when they had first met but she had gotten to know the girl and cared for her. “at ME? what could she possibly be mad at ME about, alison?” val seems to be losing her cool around the woman. everything seemed to just stop when alison used avery’s words to exclude her. it always ended up this way and the woman didn’t know why. people always left her and she was back to being alone. “i’m sorry, i don’t quite understand where this is going. if you’re got something to say to me alison, SAY IT!” she can’t help but raise her voice at the other as panic sets in. she just spent an hour LYING to her therapist about everything, falling into her unhealthy patterns like before she was sectioned. feeling used didn’t even begin to cover it and just when she thought that alison had become more invested...

[valing]

        valeria was LATE, she knew that but her therapist wasn’t going to let her live it down if she missed another appointment. it was doing her no favors lying to the woman about her home situation but it was everything val wanted; she wasn’t going to let the woman shut down something that she’d worked so hard for. alison seemed to be more committed than she had been and it made her relax a bit more. however, it would only complicate things when alison found out the truth, everything came out eventually no matter how hard people tried to bury it. “hey, al.” the woman smiled as she walked into her apartment. “sorry i’m late, i had a few urgent meetings.” she had made sure to put her appointment as PRIVATE, even for her secretary so that it wouldn’t get out. “how was your day?” she always makes sure that she’s asked as val has the tendency to get wrapped up in her own problems too intensely to notice another’s. “everything okay?”

@alisongruber

[valing]

alisongruber:

    the feel of the others lips against her forehead caused a gentle sigh to escape her lips. calm seemed to wash over her for a simple moment. it was strange how things had changed, it was almost like they were tiptoeing around the what were they situation, but she was too scared to ask. too scared to know for sure because she wasn’t sure if she was ready for a label. “am i?” her voice was soft in reply, as her head rested against the other womans shoulder. “i think that’s you, you do so many amazing things, valeria. for me, for avery – for everyone. you know that, right?” she needed to make sure that val did. it was important to her, for the other to know that. lifting her head slightly, ali smiled gently at the other woman. “me too, for you. i’ll always be here for you because everyone needs someone and you’re very important to me.” fingers played with val’s and she sighed softly, doing her best. she always seemed to be doing her best lately, every breath she took was her doing her best. and even in this moment even when everything was calm and perfect.. she still felt like she was choking on something, waiting for absolutely the other shoe to drop. 

       this was what she had wanted for so long and it seemed that they were finally getting on track. fingers running through the other’s hair, valeria smiled to herself. alison APPRECIATED her, that was a massive boost to her self-esteem as she had felt like the other hadn’t given her a second thought when returning back to her husband but that was obviously not the case. all of her doubts about herself and their RELATIONSHIP seemed to go away somehow; she felt complete with the other woman by her side. while it did feel normal, her therapist would have said that it was a dangerous situation for her to be in. however, how could she stop when it felt so good? “thank you. i just want to make you happy.” she was devoted but maybe a little too obsessed with the other. a part of her wondered if she should bring all of this up in her next session but she didn’t want this high to end. everything seemed to be coming full circle and she could hardly shut that down. someone appreciated her and felt as if she was important; it did feel like alison was the one. her words were true, she did need someone but it was hardly appropriate to tell alison her ordeal. the woman was afraid that the other would shut it down, mistake the love she had for an illness and that wasn’t the case at all. valeria did love her, she just had to regulate all her emotions surrounding that in order to improve her mental health.