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MONEY FLOWS TO ME IN EXPECTED AND UNEXPECTED WAYS

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“Some words stay in your head long after they’re spoken.”

— Robin Roe

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I have so many things that I need to get off my chest. I went home to Miami to visit my friends and family before the year ended. I came from across the world, 12 hours of travel. Looking back, I don’t regret going, because I know that God was trying to show me something.

To my family who made me cry, vomit in tears because l “abandoned them”: You can’t control me anymore. I don’t need to take your abuse anymore. I’m not your punching bag, anymore. Misery loves company, and I’ve finally broken free. Seeing you for the last time was the confirmation I needed that you were dead weight, that you were ruining my life, stealing my joy and making me sick. I will have love for you, and maybe in time God will heal these wounds. But I don’t need to have contact with you anymore.

To hear my own father tell me he wants nothing to do with me “I want you out of my life. I don’t want to talk to you anymore, I don’t want to see you anymore, get on a plane and go back to Holland.” is something I’ll never be able to forget, and I’ll never forget how it made me feel. I’m sorry that I was “the glue that held it all together”, but that was never my job. It was never my job to financially support you at 18 by giving you all of my waitressing paycheck so you could pay the rent, because you’re so fucking irresponsible with money. It was never my job to break up my parents from choking eachother on the morning of my birthday, and it was never my job to lie to the emergency room doctor when my sister beat me, left my entire body bruised and made my mouth bleed.

Fuck you guys. Going home opened up so many wounds, but I feel like I finally have closure. When I got off that plane to see you and was blindsided by your resentment, anger and envy I know that was just God’s way of confirming to me what I always knew deep down. I don’t owe you anything, and if you can’t be happy for me then that’s my cue to cut you off. Estrangement is an ugly thing, but I am not ashamed.

I love Holland, I love my boyfriend, I love his family and I finally love my life. Farewell to all of the anguish, distress and misery from my past. That chapter is closed, and my best ones continue.

#personal #me

I haven’t seen my family in 10 months, and it shames me to say this, but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. For 23 years I suffered in silence, trying to convince myself that money, friends, and going out could cure me of the existential dread I felt by living under the same roof as them. It feels good to know there was nothing wrong with me, I wasn’t sick. I was just under an extremely stressful situation, and leaving them behind was the best thing I ever did.

There’s no way my life could’ve continued like that. I moved to the other side of the world without a lot of money, without any definite plans, but I did it. And everything worked itself outs. I love my boyfriend because he speaks softly, and with kindness and patience and those are all things I never saw growing up. We’re so in love, in our cute apartment with storybook-esque views and our new kitten, Gigi.

For every young person who is staying in a dysfunctional home situation, please leave. Do yourself a favor. You won’t regret it. As scary and uncertain as it can be, nothing will ever get better if you choose to stay and keep engaging with the madness.

Looking back, I can’t believe I was stupid enough to let my parents sway me into thinking that my sister’s illness and utter destructiveness was my problem, too. That was their problem, and in failing to address it or solve it they ruined my childhood and stole my happiness. I love them because they’re my parents, and I forgive them, but I’m so much better off without them.

#personal #me