:this side of paradise:

Is it all just a dream

[veenbeen]

6.2020

My palms were bleeding I saw it with my own two eyes.  I was bleeding and  I didn’t know why. 

I wrapped my hands in gauze diligently securing threads, hoping the bleeding would avail.  It continued instead. 

The gauze saturated quickly I felt the dread slowly overwhelm me of this paralyzing reality.  I would die alone in this room.

But the end never came as foreshadowed, although the gauze was dripping ruby   and I heard a voice: “Veena- give me your hands.” 

And so, I gave my friend my hand. He unwrapped my hand, set aside the ruby-soaked gauze and allowed the blood to fall to the white floor. 

But it was not blood, no, it was paint crimson, blinding bursting with love and together my friend and I painted the most beautiful mural. 

[veenbeen]

3.07.20

my eyes are burning my heart is bleeding my brain is numb I feel everything so deeply my body is throbbing with the pain of the people who have died I feel like I’m not in my body everything has gone still.

there are other feelings deep down old memories of happiness but they cannot bloom now in this drought. and the memories are dying the numbness in my brain doesn’t let me hold on to them for long.

[veenbeen]

12.24.19

It's Christmas Eve (there are these songs that are in my mind) Told a man his cancer is back and it's Christmas eve I told him and I didn't even sit down (and now I can't get these songs out of my head)

I cried to my dad when I realized what I had done who am I and what am I doing in this world The things I do impact other people and I'm not ready for that These are real people they have families and loves ones I ruined this mans day today and it's Christmas eve.

You know that feeling you get when you are holding back tears Why is it that whenever I am sad I think about you? and that’s a lot these days. Was it cause you loved me when you didn't have to?

[veenbeen]

1000 orchids

You touch me and I feel sick to my stomach. I vomit love It is violent It disgusts you You leave me on the ground clutching myself and shaking in a pool of acid.

Later you hold my hair back You kiss the sweat on my brow call me an angel. You touch me and I bloom into 1000 orchids.

Now there are too many flowers It is too much effort to water me and one day you abruptly stop. You cut off my flowers, give them to another.

Arrogant Boy don’t you realize My hair had turned to spools of gold My skin is marble My lips honey melon Look at what I’ve become Look at what you sowed. “What a waste I am now”

As I shrivel Another comes and waters me I vomit again Not love this time I am too broken for that. He leaves with promises on his lips And when he touches me I bear fruit. He steals one and put it in his mouth, grimaces because it is sour, spits it out.

But he is not the one who spun me And he did not love me so although he never returns it does not sting. My roots yearn for the one who first touched me.

Arrogant boy I can grow without you. You did not plant me, although your love did change me. I am so much more than your desire for me One day I will bloom flowers and fruit again. But right now who will water me before I shrivel?

[veenbeen]

Other side

I wonder what it's like on the other side Do you wonder too? My mind is gray but the world is full of color. In the melody I hear no harmony, but the dissonance is lovely. Do you hear it too? I'm crying now Does it make you cry too? I feel nothing but everything I can't talk, but I'm singing I'm convinced that there is no light at the end but in the darkness there is so much meaning. Hold me Don't leave Hold on don't let me slip away

[bollydastaan]

[bollydastaan]

Priyanka Chopra on her wedding day

[asking-jude]

“And in the end, we were all just humans, drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

[te5seract]

[womenandwanderlust]

More women, more wanderlust….

[veenbeen]

A girl.

She was one of those people who was always a little sad, a little mellow. Society expected her to be a certain way, as a girl in her early twenties -vivacious and forward- and although she tried to fit the mold it did not come naturally. She much preferred quietude. It wasn’t that she wanted to be alone all the time; rather, she enjoyed reading in busy cafes and chatting up whimsicalities with close friends. Indeed, she was a whimsical person, though she only shared that side of herself with a select few. To others she was quite monotone; not easily excitable or anxious.

Yet underneath that stoic exterior was a girl bursting with unrealized emotional energy, desperate for comfort, constantly lonesome. She hated attention, yet craved it. Every day was a marathon that began hopeful and ended in crippling anxiety. Life exhausted her. And yet, amidst it all, there were moments entirely insignificant in the grand scheme of things that filled her with complete joy; eating a particularly good meal, listening to a childhood favorite song, having a particularly pleasant conversation with a stranger.

[veenbeen]

Her love dripped like melted ice cream off a cone. He licked it clean, hands sticky.

[thegoodvybe]

[infpisme]

What horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: well-educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle age.

Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath. (via infpisme)

[anneboleyns]

Natalie Dormer for Vanity Fair, 2013

[determinate]

[animentality]

Winnie the Pooh quotes make me cry.

“I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.” 

“I used to believe in forever, but forever’s too good to be true” 

“I don’t feel very much like Pooh today,“ said Pooh. “There there,” said Piglet. “I’ll bring you tea and honey until you do.” 

“I wonder what Piglet is doing,” thought Pooh. “I wish I were there to be doing it, too.” 

“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.” 

“We’ll be friends forever, won’t we, Pooh?” asked Piglet. “Even longer,” Pooh answered.

“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.” 

“Forever isn’t long at all, Christopher, as long as I’m with you.” 

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

[alexquincy]