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ask about

[vegetablefandom]

i have been thinking recently about what is wrong with me and why i have been alone forever and sometimes i say that i am “asexual” but i think that is definitely not the case. i have sexual feelings and thoughts plenty which i think is contrary to the idea. but my thought process usually goes like yeah sure that’d be nice to do that but then i’d have to meet someone and do the texting and getting to know each other and meeting each other’s friends and working out a time and a place and doing all the logistics and all that stuff and i just think nah i can’t be bothered that is way too much work for an end goal which is just fine but not that great? 

but all that aside i never really meet anyone that 1. is single or 2. i actually have a crush on at all and i really don’t get it. when i was younger i would get mad crushes on people a lot but now that i am older i don’t get it at all? and i don’t know if that’s just being an adult and that’s what happens? you just don’t get crazy crushes on people anymore? but i watch tv and movies and it seems like the only motivating factor anybody ever has is they are “in love” with someone or whatever so they will save the world or fight the bad guy or break up their marriage or do whatever purely based on this feeling of attraction, and obviously movies and tv are not real life but i surely people would not write all this stuff if that wasn’t kinda how they felt in real life? and i watch this stuff and i just don’t understand anybody’s motivations because how can you like someone so much that you’d fuck up your life and your family or go through crazy stress and fighting and all this shit just to “be with them” and what does that even mean because in the movies it always means “do a sex” but like what do you do after that? do you actually like that person? do you have anything in common? are you gonna live together and go to work and come back home and one of you is gonna cook and you have to keep the house clean and maybe there are kids or whatever. i don’t get it. 

like i definitely need to see a therapist probably who could just answer these questions but

what is trauma? what counts as trauma? i have absorbed so much media about “trauma” and how trauma can change your brain chemistry and how you think that now i wonder if all my unsuccessful romantic entanglements in my teenage years and early 20s just bashed me into a shape where my brain just won’t do it any more. there were defs at least three “relationships” i can point to where i was “fucked about” and gaslit and lied to and it hurt me so much and i just don’t know why. what was the point of any of it. and i am starting to wonder if these interactions, along with my depression have shaped my brain into this unnatural way, and it’s not that i’m “asexual” or “aromantic” it’s just that my brain is unwilling to be hurt again and had just stopped doing it. just like turned off all those receptors in my head because it never ends well. 

i feel like i can definitely point to a time, a specific year, where things changed and i stopped wanting certain things and moved away from it all. like my subconscious just said no we’re not doing that anymore. and since then i’ve had a million reasons i could justify to myself that i wanted to be alone on top of near zero reasons not to be. in 8 years i think i’ve had maybe 3 crushes on anybody. that’s not normal right? i feel like everyone i know is in long term relationships forever. i cannot think of anybody i have known in the last 10 years who has been single for more than 6 months. so whatever i am, whatever i’m doing, it’s not normal? it’s definitely something? but it doesn’t feel like “asexuality”. is “unlucky” a sexual orientation.  

it’s like, i would like to Like somebody enough to want to do something about it? but it’s got to the point where i’m so introverted that i’d rather not do anything if it means i can’t be on my own when i want to be. i value my own freedom too much to risk bothering anybody else with my attentions. and i value other people’s feelings to much to bother them if i can’t be fully committed. which seems totally fine to me? i don’t see any flaws in the logic there? but everybody else is always dating each other so either, they don’t care about other people’s feelings as much as i do, or they don’t care about having their own time as much as i do. either way, the problem is with my thought processes. or with my ... attraction center? (is that a thing? the part of my brain that controls who i am attracted to you know what i mean) that my brain won’t let me Like anyone, to protect myself. 

maybe i am just fine like this? maybe this is all fine? maybe i really just don’t need anyone else, i don’t need to have sex. like honestly a large portion of all this anxiety comes from the fact that i can’t “do life” properly when i’m single because it is next to impossible to move and get a place of your own when you’re single, especially to buy a house it’s nigh impossible. and buying my own house has always been my goal since i was little. and that’s just a problem of capitalism, not a me problem. maybe if we lived in a world where i could afford my own place and to do what i wanted i wouldn’t be so distressed by all this. maybe if we lived in that world i wouldn’t be so introverted because obviously a big hurdle is even if i meet someone i do actually Like how am i gonna hook up with them if i still life with my parents. maybe if we lived in that world, mental health care would be adequately funded and i would have easily been able to see a therapist on the NHS 10 years ago and none of this would be an issue. 

[vegetablefandom]

i just like “asked someone out” for i think maybe the first time ever? like explicitly “do you wanna go on a date w/ me” to a friend of a friend who i met a couple weeks ago and haven’t really stopped thinking about since. this is the first time i think i’ve had an actual, actionable crush on someone in real life for like as long as i can remember. everyone else i’ve been involved with for the last like... 8 years, i’ve met online and we kinda made friends first then it just kinda happened. i’m going on an almost five year dry spell rn which is like... idk whether to be impressed at myself, or sad for “wasting my 20s” or whatever. like i am as old as they all are on Friends right? i think? and every other sitcom ever. now is like when you do dating and everything and i’ve never really done it much at all. but it’s not even like i’ve been like paralysed by shyness or something the last five years, i’ve been super lonely sure but i just haven’t really had any opportunity to try and pursue anyone, or met anyone in real life that i actually had a proper crush on? idk. i don’t get how people do relationships. just, the whole thing, i don’t understand it. 

idk i don’t wanna go down that rabbit hole again, i guess the point of this post is i’m doing something?? i’m going way WAY out of my comfort zone and oh shit my phone just buzzed i think she replied. 

[vegetablefandom]

so i got promoted to head barista at work which came with a (pathetic) pay rise but guess what my old buddy from the other store who got fired two weeks ago just got a new (very entry level) job that pays like a whole £1p/h more hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[vegetablefandom]

since i moved locations at my job everything is so much better in that at least it is not totally terrible all the time any more, obvs it’s still kinda weird because i’m new and don’t super know everyone yet but it’s fine. the only thing is the manager (who is also new and started the same day as me) keeps putting me on the same shifts as him literally every. single. shift. and he is like, not fantastic at his job and then keeps trying to “help” me do my job, or do it for me entirely, except he’s even worse at my job than he is at his and it’s super annoying. him “helping” actually ends up making my job so much harder when he could just be... not doing that, and doing the other things that he should be doing. i basically do not need help at all when i’m on the machine. honestly i kinda feel like a highly trained stormtrooper after having worked where i did for two years which is basically the front line and now i’ve moved somewhere way quieter and it’s so much easier i can just breeze through it which is great, provided nobody is standing in my way or just generally being a pain and doing everything wrong. 

[vegetablefandom]

mabes it’s just my weird a(grey? boring? queer? slow?) sexual mind but when you like someone you Like One Someone and you flirt with that one person and maybe just maybe you manage to convince them you’re not worthless and they might give you the time of day. 

the entire concept that, you can flirt with numerous people all at the same time and you don’t have to be a total doormat and people will still like you, is really foreign to me. like you can just do what you like i don’t get it at all. 

[vegetablefandom]

you know what lads thinking about it there have defs been people in the past who have “led me on” and i just did not even know what was going on at the time and like i guess i was just “naive” at the time or maybe i still am but i tend to “see the good” in people or just like give people the benefit of the doubt like i guess it is so far out of my whole way of thinking to say something if i didn’t mean it like to deliberately mislead someone that i just don’t even really consider the idea that someone might be. like just lying i guess? and idk it’s sad. it’s easy to say like “nobody owes you anything” but like if you’ve defs been flirting w/ me this whole time and then you didn’t even mean it all or you were making the same moves on someone else i think that’s p messed up? esp if you weren’t even planning to make a move on me or anything anyway what is even the point of the whole thing.

you know sometimes i think like i kinda get everything now and i’m like a Normal Person but then things like this happen and it’s like, i never knew what i didn’t know. i don’t wanna be like “i’m autistic” because i really don’t think i am i think i am just like.. a slow developer? or smth. i get there eventually and stuff but i think a lot of the Growing Up moments i have done are, retrospectively, things that should have happened during puberty but just didn’t. maybe i have weird (low) testosterone levels or smth. 

[vegetablefandom]

managed to take an accidental selfie when i was putting my phone down on the table

[vegetablefandom]

how was my hair ever this big dude wtf. this was 3 years ago today 

[vegetablefandom]

the year is 2018 and today I got up at 5am, ate breakfast and caught the bus into work. I did a 7 hour shift then afterwards i went for a drink with a friend, then we went to the cinema. on the way I walked past my old best friend from school and I said hello and I didn't obsess about it for hours afterwards. right now I'm waiting to meet another friend for a drink before we go to a gig tonight. I'm going to see my very first ever Favourite Band from when I was 10 years old. so much has happened to me since then I don't know if I am still the same person. I don't know if I can still say they were My favourite band. the point is I'm here, I'm alive, I'm Doing Life. I've got a job and friends and a social life and I can function on the day to day. I always thought I'd be dead before I was 25 but here I am.

[vegetablefandom]

you guys probably don’t remember but like a year and a half ago i was basically being bullied by someone at work and the plan was that me and this person were going to move to another store where they would be my manager and i was basically in the situation that if that happened i would have to quit because they were so horrible BUT at the last minute i managed to stay at the store i was at so they left and it was fine BUT NOW guess what as of the monday after next they are coming back to become the new manager of this store. and like, i had already kinda made up my mind that i wanted to leave over christmas but then i was sorta having second thoughts like, maybe i’ll wait a month or two and see how it goes but now this has happened and it feels like the universe saying “no, get the fuck out of there” so that’s what i’m gonna try and do. i have a couple places in mind that i’d like to work. 

BUT something super annoying is now i am really ill, my parents have had the flu and they were in bed for like a week and a half and i’m p sure i’ve got the same thing so job hunting is gonna be really difficult and i’ve got less than two weeks to do it in!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

[vegetablefandom]

so long story short i didn’t have to look for a new job because i got offered a transfer to the other store, the one where i was meant to be working way back when in the first place. so it’s my first day there today and i’ve got those first day jitters something awful. i mean it’ll be fine right? it’ll be fine. i’ve worked at the company longer than that store has even been open let alone longer than everybody else that works there so i know what i’m doing. also the two chefs that work there used to work with me at the other store and i love them to bits so i already have friends there. it’s just super awkward i suppose because all the people at this new store are really good mates with the person who was really mean to me and maybe they’ve said mean stuff about me to them or whatever i don’t know. or maybe they all think i’m a dick for transferring stores to get away from that person. 

i guess my main worry is that this new store is way smaller than the one i’ve been working at (which was already pretty small) and apparently is really really quiet all the time so it’s probs gonna get really boring, especially since i don’t know half the people there and they never have many people on a shift because it’s so quiet all the time. like on an average day there’s only two people there from 2pm - 7:30 when we close. which is gonna be LONGGGGG

ah idk. wish me luck 

[vegetablefandom]

you guys probably don’t remember but like a year and a half ago i was basically being bullied by someone at work and the plan was that me and this person were going to move to another store where they would be my manager and i was basically in the situation that if that happened i would have to quit because they were so horrible BUT at the last minute i managed to stay at the store i was at so they left and it was fine BUT NOW guess what as of the monday after next they are coming back to become the new manager of this store. and like, i had already kinda made up my mind that i wanted to leave over christmas but then i was sorta having second thoughts like, maybe i’ll wait a month or two and see how it goes but now this has happened and it feels like the universe saying “no, get the fuck out of there” so that’s what i’m gonna try and do. i have a couple places in mind that i’d like to work. 

BUT something super annoying is now i am really ill, my parents have had the flu and they were in bed for like a week and a half and i’m p sure i’ve got the same thing so job hunting is gonna be really difficult and i’ve got less than two weeks to do it in!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

[vegetablefandom]

i just mixed coke and pepsi without even thinking about it and now i feel bad but i can confirm that pepsi flavour totally overpowers coke flavour even despite the fact that it was like a 3:1 ratio of coke:pepsi wow!!! the more you know

[vegetablefandom]

[vegetablefandom]

new years is bad this year has been Bad whatever i don’t have anything profound to say i think i am finally going to quit my job soon

[vegetablefandom]

fully thought i’d got all my christmas shopping done and wrapped and everything but then my brother’s girlfriend turns up and she’s gone and got me a present so now i gotta scramble to get her something two days before crimmas gott damm 

[vegetablefandom]

person at work today said “i was telling my boyfriend how i made a new friend at work” and the friend she was talking about was ME hell yeah people like me and tell other people about me feels good man

[vegetablefandom]

nyoom

[vegetablefandom]

yesterday was literally our busiest day at work Of All Time (in the three years we have been open) in terms of numbers, but tbh did not feel particularly more busy than a usual saturday. or okay i guess more busy than a usual saturday but not to the point that it was unmanageable like it has been some days. but anyway yesterday The Boss was rude to me after i had been on shift literally 15 minutes and it really pissed me off all of the day but then today she kept trying to tell me things as if it was important that i knew them even though it wasn’t really and i think that was kind of her way of trying to be nice to me? idk. tomorrow i am going to see Star Wars finally and maybe putting up some shelves with my dad. i have to work christmas adam and christmas eve and then i get christmas day off and them i have to work four days in a row which is bullshit. then i get like three days off at new year which i am do not even really care about??? new year sucks i like christmas give me three days off then.