Sincerely, anonymous

Masked is my identity but my story here is the least bit concealed. Here lies my most honest ramblings lacking not in vulnerability or discretion. Here is where I speak to anyone and no one, to myself and to God in a (somewhat) tangible, and (somewhat) organized form outside my own head. I suppose if there's any take-away here, it's is that you do not need a name to understand I'm just as imperfectly human as you are.

[veiledanonymity]

They never said death was going to be like this...

That those left behind would be left with the confusion between being excited about your spirits being with the Lord and dealing with how to undo the years of being entwined with that person. 

They also don’t tell you about the little ways it cuts deep, that this sadness isn’t something you’re stuck under, but that this is something you constantly come back to, no matter how many laughs you share, or how many drinks you numb yourself with, or how authentically blissful you feel with your loved ones, this sadness remains. 

They don’t tell you how guilty you feel being happy about the few ways life is easier without them. 

They do tell you that it will be hard and it doesn’t get easier. 

Yet despite the many memories that make living so painful, they’re the very ones that you cherish and it is where that person is immortalized in your memories.

[veiledanonymity]

Hi, it’s been a while.

The last time I was here, I was in conflict of burying the old me and finding the reasons to turn away. Time has passed and I am now here, proud to say that I am different. Not in a snake shedding their skin kind of way, nor blue and yellow making green- different, like a caterpillar and a butterfly. I’m not saying I’m in my final form but I see the habitual ways of survival that I used to take part in as well as the other ways I used to be stimulated and excited. And I cannot relate to her anymore. Me right now, she still enjoys the rush of invigorating conversation but finds comfort in shedding tears with someone who has shed the same tears. I enter into great panic if I entertain the wrong company or waste time in time that is not meant to be shared. I’m a little more anxious, and a little more sad- perhaps it’s because I know the world isn’t this great big oyster that I was made to believe. I’m not discouraged but rather, I’m burdened with the calling of being that shoulder to cry on for others. But what happens to the me that I am now? What are the fire and pelting heat that will shape and sharpen her? 

[veiledanonymity]

Hey friends,

Lately, I find myself speaking more and more on happiness- saying more frequently things like, “I didn’t think I’d feel like this again”, “it’s so different”. I assume it’s my awareness of self, assessing my emotional routes but I realize for the longest time, I’ve become accustomed to sadness and misfortune. Granted, I find myself appreciating the finer things to a greater extent than your average person but why is it that my first reaction to goodness and happiness is surprise? I am in elation, I find such peace and willingness in his embrace- a familiar face all these years now closer to me than many and definitely the best I ever did have.

[veiledanonymity]

I miss sex with you. good old, hot, heavy, hair-pulling, dirty fucking. i understand an offer’s been made to renew a prior stable contract with a new well-meaning you. I also understand that it needs to be approached with the knowledge that we have to be mutually detached which would be no problem.. to my 20 year old self that is. I’ve gained a few more years of “wisdom” and had far too many drunk nights crying about what my life has become and how I’ve lost self-respect.. the point is, i’ve also had far too many liberating moments that have given me real purpose and drive in my life that those feelings override the darkness of wastefulness. i’ve tasted what it means to truly live in my own skin, fulfilled and truly satisfied and I have to say, it’s better than an orgasm. i miss sex with you but I’d die if I lost myself again. 

[veiledanonymity]

Dear,

Don’t live in your pain and come down from your high. You don’t deserve misery but perpetual happiness is not real. Do good and don’t consent to the tyranny of the bitch, life. Good will come, bad will come- take both and make miracles happen. 

love,

sanity.

[veiledanonymity]

Almost all of the evil committed in this world, whether extraordinary or not, is committed by people who are astoundingly, breathtakingly, bewilderingly ordinary. To believe that we would not or could not, commit such evil in the “right” sort of situation is in almost all cases, I submit, to be guilt of complacency at best, and arrogance at wost

[veiledanonymity]

lol at the times I had a mental breakdown because I was a brat who didn’t want to finish her work. 

lol at the time that that was still true in the present

lol @ rn

[veiledanonymity]

I know that better things will come not being with you the same way that I know the sky isn’t actually blue- that it’s got something to do with with the way the sun scatters blue light and thus it’s not actually a blue object that we call the sky. But it still looks like a blue ceiling and I still wish I had you.

[veiledanonymity]

cogito ergo sum

In light of the abundance of thoughts from a highly opinionated generation, with some far bizarre than you could have ever put together yourself, you yourself are capable of producing such bizzarerie. Or you could quite possibly come up with something great. 

[veiledanonymity]

[veiledanonymity]

If I’m being perfectly honest, I love sex way more than I should and need to. I love all kinds of it (minus anal); rough, gentle, fast, slow, sweaty, cold, romantic, meaningful, quick, dirty- it’s all the same to me. I’m great at it and I’m usually pretty accommodating- mostly meaning that I don’t care how experienced you are. If you’re a seasoned veteran, go nuts. If you’re a rookie, it’s simply adorable. But after all the fun and games, after all the cuddling and dirty and/or meaningful conversations in the midst of it all, the biochemical events that occur are the true winners on top. I recently hooked up with this amazing man- took my breath away, made me (almost) cum, and awakened my mind all in the same breath. Well-educated, well-conversed- all around amazing guy. I’ve hooked up with him before but this time was different, we held hands we endeavoured about each others’ lives all the while having all this skin-to-skin contact. It was an unforgettable night. So what’s the problem? the very fact that it was unforgettable. What sparked the evening event in the first place was boredom, it was completely spontaneous and I simply made up in my mind that I wanted to hook up with him and although I knew the chemical events that would occur in my body, I was nearly certain that I could overcome them if I really tried hard enough. I just needed somebody to hold me and i thought I was smart enough to not let the feelings from my vagina reach my heart. 

Boy, was I wrong. The tingly sensations got to my head. I’m fully and widely aware that these oxytocin chemicals floating around in my synapses, and these endorphins that are swimming alongside them are the little things responsible for my state of mind right now. I’m also aware that although he is amazing, he is not in the least bit reliable or capable of entertaining himself with the thought of a relationship, much less maintain interest in me. 

So, now what? we wait for these feelings to subside and hopefully I don’t go crazy in the mean time. 

These bonding hormones are some real fuckers.

[veiledanonymity]

[veiledanonymity]

[veiledanonymity]

three hours left on my clock until I've yet to awaken to a new day. three hours left of resting and yet three more hours thinking about you won't suffice. my mind won't rest knowing that I could be right there with you. you're the one running through my mind and yet I can't even catch a breathe because you've taken them all. give it to me, just enough to moan your name in your ears or more than enough for your entire house to wake up. but I don't want to wake myself because then we'd both see how unequipped we are for each other. So I just say fuck it, I'd rather have some sleep because you're not paying these bills

[veiledanonymity]

it’s a bit bizarre and over-the-top but i’ve been a little down because I feel like I’m stuck. I want to fall in love, get married, and have children- it’s been a desire but for obvious reasons, out of the question. I just want a real man, the one God has chose for me to help me grow. I have too many conversations in my head of what I want to happen with my future man, how it will go when I begin to reveal myself to him emotionally. and to have that man’s children, what a happy ending. 

[veiledanonymity]

I am 13 again. I only met you a short moment ago but you bring me back 8 years. the thought of you forms butterflies that are reminiscent of my naive and uneducated self. you make me forget that the way a person looks at you is not determinant of the future they can provide for you and the way they smile will most definitely not secure your financial future. neither will the way they hesitantly walk towards you to say hi will ever guarantee that they will take you for all that you and all that you’ve been through. but the way that others speak about you, how you’re gentle and in-tune with your consideration of others whilst expressing your ever-so-manly persona through the build of your body makes me weak in the knees. but while I’m already wild about you, I can bring myself to follow through on you, I’ll catch your attention but you have to be man enough to express it back. 

i know, its kinda dumb but i’ve changed things up since the last time. we’ll see how it goes

[veiledanonymity]

I’m in the midst of one of the most frustrating times of my 20s. I have gone through a long and unmerciful process of changing my ways, learning what it means to love myself and cutting out all the bad shit in my life but Im left with a bunch skeletons in the closet that are more relentless than I would like them to be. At the same time, I have no idea how to manifest this new-found identity of self into the world without being slightly bitter. Because I love myself and I’m at the age where men have enough confident to show interest but enough commitment issues to not want to really pursue me or to not really want to sacrifice and it’s ridiculous. For the most part, I understand where I stand about relationships, I don’t have the capacity to open myself up to one right now so I won’t try to lead somebody onto the chopping block. I’m just trying to do whatever duty is out there for me to fulfill. I want to use my skills and abilities to help better society, not ruin any more boys. but also, it’s that time of the year where it’s starting to get colder and it wouldn’t hurt to have somebody to cuddle up next to. i don’t know. but at the same time, i don’t want it and it’ll never be good enough.