i've known this for so long but never properly "understood" in till now, but maybe i should mention, finally, that why i've had such a sparse internet presence and artistic output for the past 5 years is cause of the incessant thought patterns and subconscious shame i & the many mental professionals i've talked to attribute as "OCD." even before my diagnosis and before my symptoms started noticeably getting worse without knowing a name for it when i was 19, it's only been sinking in lately that i've been kinda ruining my whole life forever. the number of times the world affirmed me i don't have the right to participate in it is something i see as heartbreaking now, instead of me telling myself these twisted reasons it Is a scary world i live within and it Must continue that way cause of what i subconsciously consider safety within stagnation. not feeling safe to even genuinely entertain the thought of this being a neutral world is something i'm so tired of and i tire myself out every day. every hour?
a few days ago, i read my diaries since moving to denver, since september 2023 up until now, albeit with plenty of gaps. it took me 9 hours straight with some breaks, and it was an enlightening experience; i wholeheartedly recommend people with OCD persistently journal in order to look back on later. it was also horrifying! for specific reasons, but also for the broader reason of recognizing patterns of behavior i could've only recognized thru retrospect. i feel like i should say more and that i've said an embarrassing amount simultaneously, and oh god it's 2 AM.
