And we're back at it... Struggling again.
It's absolutely not new for me, to struggle with food. I always struggled with it. When I was a kid, loved eating, but since I was "overweight" people forced me to calm down with it. I grew up with limits. Boundaries to never cross. And with time, I kept habits people said were "good" and became bad. Too bad for me that I actually completely forgot how it was like... To even like what I was eating for real. ~ I thought I made progress, over those last few months. I forced myself to eat a bit, to get some help, but the struggle is still there. This feeling of hunger that quickly turns into a feeling of sickness, a need to eat that turns too fast into the duty to avoid my kitchen for a bit longer. It's unbearable, you know ? To actually know ourselves better than anyone, but to be blind to what we actually look like for real. I felt like I gained a bit of weight, a week ago or something. I called my best friend. He told me that to him... I was still thin. And I'm tired because I don't want to worry him, and I know he will be worried anyways until I get better. So what choices do I have left ? What can I do to feel better ? ~ I still fight on my own for now, from the comfort of my house. But I am thinking about getting in contact with a nearby clinic. It scares me so much I really want to avoid that. But if someday it gets to much, I know I will prefer that than to worry people who actually care about me against all odds. I try to like being in my kitchen more. But cooking does not always make me eat more, sadly. It depends on the day, and... It depends on my state. if I'm tired, I will prefer to sleep more than to force myself to eat. It's more comfortable, but not healthier. Goshhhh, I would loooove to cook for myself and enjoy it. I have a million things I wanna make, like pastry, but to do that I need strenght and cleaning my room is already such a hardcore effort to make... The more I move, the more I have to drink and eat. I like to move ! But I don't like to eat. And when I finally find something that makes me want to eat something consistant, I don't keep it up more than a month before I panic and strart again. I'm working on it with my psychiatrist, lately. Last time she said she was happy I wanted to make efforts. That some people don't want help. I hope we'll find a way out for me soon.