VELVET PAVEMENT

. I'm Aj. Sometimes I think things. Sometimes I write things. Sometimes I write things I think about. And sometimes I write things I've never thought about.

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it’s 2017 and requited love is even more fucked than unrequited love

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I'm pretty terrible at setting concrete goals for myself and then going back and actually making sure I do them. This last New Years' I made a resolution not to make any resolutions for 2013. I had zero goals other than to just live as adventurously as possible (I feel this was mostly accomplished by, you know, living in East Asia for a couple months and completely redesigning my friend group and community and signing up for a bunch of random things,) and just letting God take the reigns. 

Of course, those things are at the forefront of my plan for 2014, but I also want to set down some solid goals for 2014. 

It's December 6th, 2013. I'm gonna set this post to be posted on December 6th, 2014. I'll keep adding to it until New Years Eve this month, and then I'll look back at this in a year and see what I can cross of as accomplished. 

Write a book. Do it already. Like, one you're proud of and not ones that you write because they're easy and fun and you get immediate gratification from each chapter and praises from and then don't like your overarching theme at the end, despite your approval of your word choice and style throughout the book. 

EDIT ---- like I said im really bad at setting goals. I totally never got around to actually making this list. I'll have to do it again this year. 

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not nervous for tonight, nope

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Last night was one of the most mentally exhausting nights of my life, in a very very good way.

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I didn't realize how freaking weird this week is/has been until Star just pointed it out to me D:

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Yeah so. It's June now. Actually, it's the end of June now. 

My heart is hurting really badly today. Obviously it's been hurting since I went to the hospital back in April because of the pain. They thought i was having a heart attack. Is it so incredibly awful that I almost wish I did? Because then at least they would have known what was wrong instead of turning me away after many hours of tests, referring me to a cardiologist who also did all kinds of tests on me and then shrugged. Yeah. Uncool. 

Anyway, the pain hasn't exactly gone away at all, but today it's much deeper and stronger like when I actually went to the ER. I'm trying not to cry, because most people don't know it still hurts because I can't deal with their hovering and they don't really understand, anyway. It's hard to explain what constant pain in your heart is like. It's such a sensitive, central part of your body and it just... shoot it really hurts right now im gonna stop typing about it. sigh.

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This morning I was driving around listening to 60's rock in my car and I started thinking of this time two years ago when all I did was read philosophical books/biographies, listen to classic rock, and write poetry.

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I got offered a job to work in China this summer but idk if I should take it because I already canceled my other trip to China this summer...

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A letter to heartbroken individuals,

At this time, you may feel as though your dealings with heartbreak define you, or define your view of love. You may feel as though love is a myth created by lonely people or that love isn't something that will happen to you again. But something that I hope you realize is that one experience with heartbreak does not need to dictate your entire experience with love.

I'm not trying to belittle your heartbreak. It sucks, I know. Oh trust me,  I know. It's draining and painful and tiring and a brings with it a sense of hollowness that can only be felt firsthand. You may feel obsessive and anxious and an intense form of longing and craving when your mind falls on the source of your heartbreak, and apathetic about subjects that have nothing to do with the situation. However, I'm not here to address any of that. I could go on for days, but that is not the purpose of this letter. 

Anyway, don't force anything. Don't try to persuade yourself that you are over it and can move on, but also don't spend all of your time convincing yourself that this was your one shot and now its blown. I'm not going to sit here and tell you "time heals all wounds", because I believe that if you let life happen on its own, in weeks, months, years, however long, you'll encounter your own timeline in the process of healing. 

I believe you'll be very surprised one day, because you'll meet the right person and slowly all of the things that happened in your past will still matter and be important to you, but they won't weigh on you anymore. And this new person will seem like an entirely new.... concept. Yeah, that's the world. This new person will seem like a whole new concept to you, and it'll refresh you in a way you can't possibly imagine now. 

I'm not saying this new person will be "the one" or anything like that. I'm not sold on that whole idea of "the one", but I do believe its about timing. One day you'll experience this renewal, whether it come from another person or some other event or situation or phenomenon. Who knows? I can only speak from my own experience and observations, but I just wanted to share my thoughts with you. Let life happen. It might still have some surprise in store for you yet. 

xx

[eskildding]

The fact that this photo was taken four years ago scares the heck out of me. I was staying at Boston University for the summer and my friend happened to catch me laughing at a party on the roof of Warren Towers. We were all amazed by how perfectly it turned out, because I had literally just looked up at her and didn’t know she was holding a camera to my face. I can still remember so many details from that night (actually from that entire week.) From the outside, I really like the person in this picture. Yet inside, I was so bitter and unhappy and had more panic attacks that week than I’d had in my entire life. Anyway, it just freaks me out because whenever I see pictures of myself from that summer I look the best I had in years, but I was so hallow inside. Whenever I think back to my 15 year old self, I feel weird. 19 year old me may not always look as polished and perfect as 15 year old me, but she’s a hell of a lot more joyful and alive. 

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I just also wanna have this on this blog since there is where I usually post my thoughts, but I posted it on my other blog. 

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SO SO SOSO SOS OSOSOS OS OSOSOS OSOOS SOOO HAPPY THESE DAYS OK I ONLY HAVE ONE MORE DAY AND THEN I AM FREE AND SUMMER AND OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST SUMMER EVER EJREOIJAOIJDOIFJ

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I'm so incredibly pumped and ready for finals week, you don't even know

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I have this awful habit of jumping into straight attachment to someone. Boy, girl, romantic, friendship, all kinds of varying relationships. I get these friend crushes or romantic crushes or just whatever it is at the time and it's weird because I want that person to be around all the time and I get so excited when I get to hang out with that person and I look forward to it all the time, but it (pretty much) never ends well. I get suffocated and leave, or the other person leaves me, or idk just all these weird things happen. It's been going on my whole life, I know. I have an attachment problem, maybe. It's ok though. It's just a pattern now. It leaves this weird trail of people I once cared so deeply about that are no longer in my life, but it also leads to some really fantastic friendships, sometimes, so that part is worth it. 

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My head has been killing me since I woke up... 5 hours ago. Not a regular headache... I can't even describe it. No amount of water, tea, or advil can help this today. GR. 

I mostly just want Bri to get online or something. I adore her and my sudden attachment is alarming, but I don't care. 

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SCHOOL OF ROCK IS PLAYING ON BRAVO

THIS IS THE BEST GIFT I HAVE RECEIVED IN SUCH A LONG TIME

OMG

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This is going to be one of the most overwhelming days I've had in a long time. 

If I can get through to 5 o'clock, I'll be golden. 

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I love my college friends. I mean, when I was in the ER this week, they came to my apartment and brought me ice cream and checked on me every day and all that, but dang I miss my high school friends so much. So, so much. Those boarding school bonds were so deep, and it's hard to find that anywhere else. No, more than just "hard". More like... impossible and so difficult you just give up or die trying. Grr. 

But, you can't go back to the past. I wouldn't want to, anyway. I just wish they were all at college with me. Thankfully, I'll get to see Adam, Melissa, and Amy in just three weeks. Plus, Kin is staying at my house for a whole weekend in two weeks. Yeaaaaah :)