I'm happy that I haven't had really anyone in my life put my down yet after coming out
even my father who hasn't been the most accepting (he still calls me his son and calls me my dead name more often than not) hasn't been against me being trans, and I've been too bummed out on life to correct him (I know, I'm shitty and terrible).
But I still don't feel like a girl
I want to be a girl, I want to wear those outfits and look like them but I just don't. No matter what I do I still look like the same old crummy boy who daydreamed about being able to just turn into a girl.
And I know it takes a lot more effort than what I've put in, and that I shouldn't judge hoe i present myself based on others. But that's the whole point of presenting myself differently, people have labels, and ways of defining themselves, im changing my label to fit with a group I like.
I feel like I'm just lying to everyone
If I am then I'm just shooting myself in the foot again.
I already did that by entering into a relationship.
I dont know any of my fucking feelings man, I still sometimes think I'm just a guy and get confused as to why I would want to be a girl. But then I rethink it and remember how much I want it.
I'm pretty sure I was a bad partner
And I know Ace has been super supportive like "those are normal mistakes, this is your first relationship" and that helps. But I should've probably broken up with her sooner. Maybe then I would still be friends with all of them
I know just 3 days ago I was sobbing because I lost them, and im still really upset that I have.
But also I've started to think about things now that I dont talk with them much anymore
They really didn't like anything I liked
I'm a fan of hazbin hotel, I understand that it's cringe and stuff but it's a comfort show that I've enjoyed since I was too young to watch the pilot. But I'd get made fun of for bringing it up around them. And all of them would send me reels of cringe hazbin hotel fans
And I think I internalized a lot of that, and it's why I've backed away from a media that I enjoyed.
Same with some characters I love.
I'm such a big fan of Junkrat and Venture from overwatch, but every time Venture is brought up around them they'd just say "ew, Venture."
I can't say that, they were my best friends and im the reason we stopped talking
I haven't been able to sleep much for the past week because every time I lay down I just think of them. It doesn't help that I'm also dealing with breaking up with my gf, ex gf, and I know it's more shitty of me to think more of my friends then the persona I literally dated. But come on man, they were my best friends.
And now I'm gonna move in to my friends place, and be a shitty house mate or whatever I'd be. Why am I doing it to them
I'm.just gonna ruin my relationship eith them
In setting myself up for failure and im gonna fuck up the only relationship I have left.
It's going to happen I know it is.
I'm so different from Ace now, we used to be really similar but then I became best friends with that whole group. And I went from very far left leaning to central, with a heavy radical right lean. And I know that isnt something I should talk about on tumblr because all the beautiful tumblr users are majority left leaning but fuck you this is my blog, I do what I want.
I dont know what I do now, I'm probably gonna fuck up my relationship with Ace and his family. And if that happens after I move in I am genuinely fucked, cause I'm never going to willingly move back into my fathers house. And I would rather commit than be homeless.
I just need to be euthanized before I can hurt more people, foxes aren't good pets and I was never trained well, so I've hurt the people that have tried and now I'm done.
Just euthanized the fox before it hurts you
tangentwithtanner
blakekathryn
andulkaphoto
turnnoffyourmind
areudirty
