Pick Your Poison

Sleep And Suicidal ideations......... |Abuse survivor|PTSD|

[venom-and-vodka]

i think my new antidepressants are working

life feels a little lighter today, and the sun is a little brighter ✨

[venom-and-vodka]

i want this so badly</3

one day i’ll heal enough to connect with someone on this level again

healing one day at a time

[venom-and-vodka]

despite how many times you’ve hurt me, i still miss you and that really sucks.

[venom-and-vodka]

yeah, stalking my tumblr and messaging me after i’ve blocked you really shows how IVE not moved on. you’ve clearly moved on from this 😂

also, it’ll take more than two weeks to get over a FOUR YEAR RELATIONSHIP so i’m not really sure what you’re expecting from me????

your true colors have been shown. i see you for what you really are now. a controlling abusive shithead who doesn’t care about anyone but yourself. you hurt just for the sake of hurting people.

i am not my father, but when are you going to stop hurting people because you’re hurting?

[venom-and-vodka]

you had this convo with J about me almost exactly a year ago.

and here we are now.

you haven’t changed.

fuck you.

i gave you another chance and you blew it. you ruined one of the best things that’s ever happened to you.

[venom-and-vodka]

tomorrow it’ll be a week since i blocked you. today was two weeks since you broke up with me. though “break up” is putting it loosely. you don’t break up with your partner of four years by ghosting them. i feel like the message i sent you when i blocked you was far closer to a breakup than what you did to me.

my life hasn’t changed much, honestly. you didn’t invite me over often anyway, and we had stopped playing games together almost entirely by the end. our discord calls were quiet, and our conversations short.

i get my sutures removed today. one of the final reminders of the mental health crisis your actions helped put me into.

i haven’t cried about you in days. i have an ache in my chest, but the cause is more that i am processing how shitty our relationship was rather than anxiety that it’s over.

i still hope you get the help you need. i don’t think you’ll have an easy time in this world without a therapist, without mental health help.

i’m getting used to calling you my ex boyfriend. it’s weird, especially because i was getting into the habit of calling you my husband. i wonder how you’re explaining all of this to your friends, how poorly you’re painting me and how many hoops you have to jump through to make the breakup seem like my fault. like it was an inevitable end due to my actions. i have a feeling you’re not taking any responsibility at all. i have a feeling you think there was no other option.

do you still think i got the breakup i deserved? that i deserved being abused by my boyfriend? are you still unable to see your part in this?

[venom-and-vodka]

why the fuck did you buy me so many things at the mall and say you wanted to meet up over food to give them to me, just for you to treat me with such venom again the next day to the point where i had to leave for my own safety?

i… don’t understand you.

and if you ever want anyone to understand you in the future, you better fucking improve at communicating. how am i supposed to know you’re suffering if you don’t tell me things got bad enough for you to leave the way you did??? we could have gone to counseling together, i wanted to see the world through your eyes. i wanted to understand you. you feel like you gave me the chance to understand you, but you never truly opened up. all you did was lash out and hurt people that loved you. and now you’re alone.

[venom-and-vodka]

it’s sad to hear that you’ve cast aside another person who was willing to sit with you through your bullshit and try and guide you toward being a better person.

your roommates aren’t healthy for you, d. you’ve had so many people tell you that. it’s a toxic echo chamber of unresolved trauma and armchair diagnosing. it’s not right. you’ll have a really hard time growing as a person by continuing to live with them.

[venom-and-vodka]

i wish there was a healthy way for us to be together.

i wish this didn’t have to hurt so bad.

i’m sorry i wasn’t what you needed, in the end. i really tried.

[venom-and-vodka]

even though you hurt me so much, i miss you more than words can describe.

i wish i could reach out and comfort you, but i think it’s best if i don’t. i don’t think i can help you anymore.

i’m sorry it ended this way. i wish you had handled things differently, i wish i could have seen the signs of your mental decline but you never fucking talked to me ;-;

[venom-and-vodka]

you WERE abusive. maybe there was a time where the abuse wasn’t intentional, but the things you admitted you did intentionally during and after the breakup were absolutely abusive and manipulative.

sure i need to grow as a person, but you are a deeply wounded soul and if you can’t see the harm in your actions im not sure there’s any hope for you to improve.

also, for the record, i was diagnosed with social anxiety when i was 12. i have no idea why you’re proclaiming that i got diagnosed after we started dating, within the last 4 years, because social anxiety has been my oldest diagnosis other than asthma. if you can’t even remember that, you don’t know me at all.

[venom-and-vodka]

saying goodbye to you was the hardest thing i’ve ever done

but your actions made it so much easier.

you say closure doesn’t exist? the way you treated me in the end was more than enough closure for me. i know what you are now.

[venom-and-vodka]

all i want is to be comforted by you. i just want a hug. i just want you to hold me and tell me everything will be okay

[longseasons]

does anyone like me and want to understand me

[worthless-misery]

All these memories hurt so bad...

[herveryown]

at the end it’s just me, my bad luck and a heart that feels too much

[venom-and-vodka]

i wrote this a year and a half into our relationship. it was originally about death, and time passing, and how no matter how much i love something… everything always dies in the end.

now… i guess it’s about our breakup…