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just had the realisation that I literally had no time to relax/rest during my teen years because the times I was doing 'nothing' I was actually on edge listening out for my brother every single second

maybe my body is making up for it now

#sibling abuse

I might be about to lose the first of my grandparents and I feel really bad that the worst thing about it is going to be having to see my brother at the funeral

Ive spent the past year and a half trying to drill it into my parents that I refuse to be in the same village as him, let alone the same room. And now its gonna feel like I've been overreacting even though I'm gonna have panic attacks at the funeral (because I have every other time I've seen him since moving out)

#to be clear i havent asked my parents not to see him #just asked that i have enough notice to go stay with a friend #and they havent been able to do that #sibling abuse #vent post

my mum got my brother a bday card that says 'best son ever' and its genuinely making me feel ill

especially because she keeps not letting me know he's coming to the house until the day before, when its too late for me to make plans to leave

#I've told her I dont wanna see him and all i ask is that she let me know when hes gonna be here so i can make sure I'm not #and yet i keep not being told he's coming until I ask what her plans are for the following day #and then its just 'oh yeah Brother is coming over'#and this time id repeatedly asked and been reassured that no he wouldnt be coming over again after i got back from my trip #because i could have stayed longer with my friend #and i dont have therapy for another 3 weeks fuck #sibling abuse #vent post

I knew living in this house again was triggering, but I've had a week of living here alone which was good and then within ten hours of mum and her bf being back I've had three distinct moments of either freeze or flight, as well as noticing one survival habit thing from when I was being abused has returned and I hate it, I hate all of it.

#I don't know if any of this makes any sense but I needed to get it out somewhere because I'm going to scream otherwise #vent post #tw abuse #the people I currently live with weren't the ones who abused me #although sometimes I wonder if mums bf's behaviour would count as abuse

I don't think I'm as sex-repulsed as I thought I was and now I kinda wanna start dating holy fuck.

I genuinely thought I'd be fine never having sex but now I'm just like oh shit I'm in my mid twenties and even if I do decide to start dating/finding someone to have sex with it probably won't be til I'm in my late twenties and I'm aroace and trans and a virgin and fat and that just feels like an impossible combination.

My whole view of my life has changed a little and idk how to feel about that.

#no way I'm posting this on main #idk how to tag this

ventblog3142

once again angry about the fact that I told a teacher about the abuse 2 years after it started and he did nothing because he 'forgot to make a phone call' and the abuse went on for another 6 years (until I moved out) and just got worse and worse

ventblog3142

Looking back, it wasn't even that bad when I told him. Like it was bad, but absolutely nothing in comparison to what it would be. If he'd done his fucking job maybe i wouldn't be so fucked up rn

#tw abuse #sibling abuse #vent post

once again angry about the fact that I told a teacher about the abuse 2 years after it started and he did nothing because he 'forgot to make a phone call' and the abuse went on for another 6 years (until I moved out) and just got worse and worse

#tw abuse #sibling abuse #vent post

I should not be having a panic attack over leaving my phone charger in the kitchen

#i dont even need it. but its gonna piss my stepdad off that its there #tw abuse

if I died rn I would outlive all 4 of my grandparents

#just thinking out loud

maybe they're right. maybe my explanations are just excuses. maybe it's my fault I'm failing at everything. I know I'm making everyone's life harder. what's the point

#tw sui ideation #vent post

genuinely can't tell if mum's boyfriend is blaming me for the current thing he's ranting about or just blaming mum and expecting me to agree with him. he was definitely blaming me for the previous thing but I can't tell with this one

#'my pyjamas weren't done drying by the time i got out of the bath' then why do you only own one fucking pair?!#or do your own fucking laundry or let us get a new fucking tumble dryer so it doesn't take all day to dry a single load of laundry #i'm so fucking pissed off #but unlike him. i don't fucking show it #vent post

if I'd listened to the thoughts last night, I wouldn't have had to deal with this shit today

#i knew today was gonna be shit but this really goes above and beyond #tw suicidal thoughts

getting a message that says 'enjoy yourself' and being 80% sure they mean the opposite is fun 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

#cptsd #family

just remembered I perfected the art of opening a zip silently which is a totally normal thing to do, right?

#i am having a panic attack over this #rambling on tumblr once again #abuse #sibling abuse #cptsd

fighting off the suicidal ideation by offing myself in minecraft over and over again instead

#for legal reasons this is a joke #sui ideation #tw sui talk #minecraft #tw suicidal thoughts

you ever remember something about your childhood and just go... oh yeah, that is not normal

#like oh yeah its not normal to not feel able to use the bathroom until your brother leaves the house - and still be scared even then #sibling abuse #abuse

my partner told me yesterday that they don't think they'll be able to cope with my anxiety as it is right now when we move back in together so that's fun

#im glad they're setting boundaries and talking to me about it but man this sucks #anxiety #mental health

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