Ventful Writings

writings to vent certain emotions.

[ventfulwritingtime-blog]

depressin

Depression

The one word that makes my chest heavy and my limbs full of lead, the one word that makes me wish I was dead

Depression

The one word that burns my throat, burns my veins, leaves a disgusting taste on my tongue, constantly reminding me that I'm not fine

Depression

The word that makes me feel like I'm breathing water, the thick air painfully filling my lungs, my chest heavy like lead, my mind wanting me dead

Sleeping too much or not at all, barely eating, barely living, barely even feeling alive anymore, the nagging feeling of helplessness in the back of my mind, the nagging of "you're just a waste of space" filling the void in my heart, the hopelessness in my soul... Depression. The word that haunts my life, the word that reminds me I'm a waste of space, the word that fills me with dread. Depression. You destroy me.

[cobaltdays-deactivated20210208]

I’m sorry for the sudden post but my boyfriend of over seven years just passed away. I don’t know how I will pay for anything. This came so suddenly, if anybody can give anything at all please that would mean the world. I’m still in the hospital as a write this so it’s not the best post but even just a share would help. Please, anybody I am so desperate.

Cashapp: $yanez91

paypal.me/cobaltdays

[cobaltdays-deactivated20210208]

I told myself I wouldn’t post this again but I’m struggling. It’s been over a month since he passed and I have nothing. I’ve been job searching but have yet to hear anything back. I have to travel again to give up the car he left behind for legal reasons. He did not leave a Will behind, and we never got married, so the court has decided everything he owns will be going to his parents. I invested almost every dollar I made into his savings account FOR US and our future plans (A house, trips, etc). I helped build our life together and worked hard for us in the seven years we were together. Unfortunately the law has decided that his next of kin, his parents, get everything he had. I was hoping I would be able to keep the car, and possibly get his bank to release his savings (OUR SAVINGS) to me but no. I get nothing. His parents who were barely there in his life, who told him he would go to hell for being gay, who never visited him, they get it all. I don’t even have the energy or money to get into a legal battle. I am literally lost. I don’t have enough to travel the car back to another state, keep my anti-depressants after now being jobless and about to lose my insurance, my phone bill, and keep my bank account from going into the negatives. I am again desperate. I just need enough to stay afloat until a job gets back to me.

Honestly, anything is helpful to me right now. Please reblog if you can, I appreciate it so much. I’m so desperate right now. I promise I didn’t want to ask again and I won’t again after this. I’m trying.

[ventfulwritingtime-blog]

When will it be enough?

When will it ever be enough?

Constantly coming in and out of my life

When I finally move on

When will it ever be enough?

When I can say I’m okay

You come back and ruin the progress

When will it ever be enough?

I’m finally okay

But you don’t want me to be okay…

[ventfulwritingtime-blog]

My Person.

My Person.

Is what we call each other after knowing each other for almost two whole years.

My Person.

Is the name I see when I go to click on your contact on my phone to send you an I Love You text.

My Person. The nickname we have dubbed for each other, the simple saying of I love you. You have made my darkest days brighter and my loneliest moments easier to deal with, you have been the light in my life, the rainbow after a storm. You’re like a breath of fresh air after being in a stuffy area for so long, the first glimpse of sunlight after a harsh storm, the first sprung flower after a harsh winter once spring shows up. You are my person. You are the person I know I can count on, the person I know I can lean on if life gets too hard to bear, the person I know who will always be by my side.

You are my person. The light of my life. The spring in my step. The song in my ears. The beat of my heart. The fresh breath of air. The light through my darkest days. My person. You’ve shown me more love than I could ever believe, you’ve shown me how to love myself, and how to rebuild a broken heart. You’re simply the light in my darkest days, the stars in my night sky, the sparkle in my eye, the breath in my lungs and the beat of my heart. My other half, my soulmate. You gave me a reason to keep on living. To believe in true friendship. A reason to stay on this miserable planet. You gave me a reason to continue. And all because You are my person.

I’ve said this once, but I will continue to say it until my throat burns and I lose breath in my lungs. I love you. More than I could begin to imagine.

[ventfulwritingtime-blog]

I’m Fine by Me.

I’m fine.

Those two words, filling my mind and haunting my soul. There is no truth behind that lie, for simply I am not fine.

I’m fine.

The emptiness of those two words as they leave my mouth and hang dryly in the air, surrounding me in false comfort.

I’m fine.

Those two words, stitched into my tongue, burned into my mind, filling my heart with more and more false comfort leaving me to sit here, gasping in air as my lungs burn from repeatedly saying those burning words over and over to assure my family that I am fine.

But will I ever be fine again? Or will I just sit here, drowning in the silence, drowning in the loneliness? Will I ever make it out of the deep, dark abyss that seems to only consume me more and more, each and every day? Will, I ever make it out of the water that seems to be pulling me deeper and deeper, drowning me? I’m fucking drowning and yet I’m still breathing air. My lungs burn, my heart hurts, I feel like I am breathing on water and yet I continue to say that I am fine. Why do I keep saying that I’m fine, despite sitting in my room, sobbing into my hands over absolutely nothing, why do I continue to keep saying I’m fine when I know I am drowning? Why do I keep saying I’m fine when I’m sitting here in silence, letting the voices grow louder and louder, taunting and insulting me in more ways than I can even count.

Am I allowed to not be fine? Why does my depression continue to burn and plague my mind in my sleep when my life is so clearly perfect? Why does my anxiety claw at my throat and burn in the open wounds when I know I don’t have anything to be anxious over? Why do I continue to convince myself that I’m fine? When I, myself, know that I am not fine. As the darkness continues to burn in my mind, I know that I’m not fine. I’m not fine.

[ventfulwritingtime-blog]

I grew up.

I grew up.

I grew up while you continue to stay in the 16-year-old mindset of drugs and alcohol consumption despite being 18-years-old.

I grew up while you chose to abandon me, picking things that ruin your mind and body over something healthy.

I grew up while you continued to act like a child.

I grew up and watched you slowly kill yourself with poisons that is alcohol.

I grew up while you chose to be a child.

I grew up despite me knowing that I’d pick you. Over and over again.

[ventfulwritingtime-blog]

Heartstrings

Today, you pulled at my heartstrings

Stringing on empty promises of love and hope

You let the promises fly away with the wind

Leaving me here breathless with empty hope

You tell me, “I still love you”,

But you say it with empty eyes

You used to say it with full of sparks

Now it’s an empty wasteland

Today, you pulled at my heartstrings

Telling me things of promise and hope

You gave me the impression that it was going perfectly fine

Until you decided you didn’t want me anymore

You left me broken and confused

Broken and bruised

Pulling at my heartstrings with an empty love

Leaving me unknowingly crying alone

Today, you pulled at my heartstrings

And I can only hope it’s for the last time...