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~ you are perfect in so many ways, I wished you’d seen yourself through my eyes. You got it all wrong. I do not want to own or possess you. The only thing I truly wished for after so long was to end up with you. I’d be more than blessed to live my life with you. But it seems that everything is slipping off my hands. Your special one will be lucky to have you. I mean any girl will be lucky to have you in their life. I love you so much mimi, I only wished you knew how much.

3am thoughts:

I was working, i saw one of my colleague’s mum, who also happens to be a supervisor, coming to her and telling her ‘behave properly at work’ they both giggled cause it was something they shared among themselves. then i felt zoned off for a minute or two, i just kept thinking what it would be like to still have my mother around and telling me stupid/funny stuffs. how would it actually be? would i be coming to her preparing me food so i dont go to bed starving, would she still be awake waiting for me or maybe she would go to sleep and wake me up in the morning being like ‘what did you do last night at work’

it hurts cause i still miss her, its like a part/piece of me that i can never let go. i miss her so much that i have to get stoned or high so that i do not fall back into depression, knowing there’s no one here for me, to support and guide me.

i need to divert my mind, but hey there’s still freaking commoners (thinking about work) and they piss me off so bad! not saying that im full of ego cause i consider myself as a intellect or whatever. i am not intelligent, i just happen to see the world in a different way; i have a different perception and when i find THEM talking about mundane stuffs, it pisses me off. plus, im kinda hating the idea of even opening/sharing a conversation with someone having a lower IQ than me. coming back to what i said earlier, i am not an intellect but when i try to converse with people and give them a real perception of how the world really works and they dont get it or they share a totally different idea of how it really is, it pisses me off even more.

there’s them and there’s me

i am not a bad person, i was once too kind that’s why people crushed me over. i built a firewall that keeps me safe, but dude, i’d kill for people who have earned a spot in my heart, be it anybody; my family, my besties or the person i love. i’ll kill and give my life for them.

thegoodvibeco

kushandwizdom

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vera-petit-panda

yup, cause im’m sitting here and still wondering what the fuck i am doing with my life.

i wonder though. i feel like i’m among robots. don’t anyone of them realise that they are being duped all the way, thinking this is the life that they should be opting for; working, making money and then working again till you have enough cash so you can die peacefully.

for one tuesday im sitting at work , with nothing to do and hell, it feels good. i just wished i had some greend left, i would smoke it then go to sleep, PEACEFULLY.

i dont know how i feel about seeing his face at work. i feel indifferent but i kept staring at him, wishing he’d just send me a text telling me he misses me already.

damn you fuckhead, you keep haunting me, disrespectful piece of shit.

Well well, i’m kinda back and it’s been super long, i know! Thing is, i don’t know why i fail pathetically when it comes to sharing/writing my awesome ideas or perspectives.

About my life now, the depression kind of comes and goes but i’m learning to deal with it. and oh, update! i found someone super cool to hang out with, he certainly misses some manners or ‘etiquette’ thingy but i’m fine with that.

And just when i was doing totally fine, life had to literally kick me in the vagina. there are some days when i question my life-decision making abilities but there are days when i feel happy doing stupid or immoral things, i wouldn’t recommend trying it though. I just learnt you should be doing anything and everything that makes you happy.

i’m listening to asap rocky’s lsd, this song doesn’t remind me of my lsd trip but rather of that one particular person who i thought would change for the best now that i had given him his last chance. but hey, there’s one thing called self-respect and principles and i should be abiding by mine, which i did. i don’t know if i’m gonna be fine without him but i surely hope to find someone who i will truly fall for, after him, since he is the first guy i ever loved (fyi, i have been dating in the past but i never felt something so intense for someone else)

One last cigarette? yeah, maybe.

grungeaffliction

vera-petit-panda

People tell you to seek for help, which I did. There was a time when I could no longer keep things to myself cause everything seemed so overwhelming. I told you I felt like dying, yet you did nothing. I will never learn, will I? I feel sorry for myself. Pathetic life, pathetic me.

I’m completely out of my mind. These weird, suicidal thoughts never go away. It never fades. It fucking never goes away. And I’m tired of feeling so weak. I did what I had to, I tried to talk to people but they never understand what I’m going through. They think it’s only a phase. No, it’s not!! I need help and I don’t know how to do it. What should I do, who should I talk to? It is said to ask for help? How am I supposed to know how to do it when even my closest friends won’t even listen to me? It’s like a dark tunnel. I can find light at some point but the tunnel never ends. I keep walking and walking in the darkness with no fucking hope of getting out of it. What if I’m found dead one day?

I am sorry beans. I had to break my own heart before you broke mine for the nth time. I knew you would never end up with me cause you and your family, wouldn't accept me. I knew I had to leave when you popped up the classic 'you'll have to change your religion' thingy. I just had to. We'll see where this goes. Or if he really loved me, like he pretends he does, he'd do anything and everything to conquer me back. P.s that's just my take on it.

So here I am. 14th of March 2016. Maybe this will be taken down sooner than I expected. Everything seems to go well with the love of my life, for the time being. Yeah, for now. But I just feel like there’s something missing. I don’t know what or how. But the love is gone or did it just fade away. I don’t know. He’s asleep for now and I’m sitting in the living room drinking. Like, it could have beem better yeah? I thought he’d at least make an effort or maybe he did but I didnt notice but i still feel kinda alienated. He told me stuffs he’d probably never tell anyone. Am I just overthinking the whole thing? Should I leave or stay? Cause I’ve been having this mixed feeling that I am only here for the fun. This was supposed to be our one year anniversary but it’s all fucked up. Once again. Well…

there's gonna be endless days when I’ll be laying down like right now, over thinking the same stuffs again and again. Thinking if I’m doing the right thing. Days when I’ll be like «imma just shave my head» as if shaving my head will make me feel better about myself. Confidence, self-confidence ?! I’ll always be second guessing myself. What am I waiting for? Someone to break my heart again (empath, me, lol) I’m just a fucking loser and failure. I should stop trying to convince myself that I’m gonna be okay with time. No fucking thing is gonna change. And I’m weaker now. I’ve never EVER been THIS weak. Happiness is a state of mind they say, but no one talks about how to achieve it IRL. Bullshit and more bullshit. I’ll be back shortly reading about these posts and then rant some more, wondering how more stupid i can be. I’m losing my mind and myself in the process and as much as I’ve been asking for help, no one, no fucking one is willing to understand me and help me get through it. I should be picking myself up cause no one’s gonna do that for me but I just can’t. That’s why I am asking for help.

How much is too much? How much more can I allow someone to hurt me? Am I ever gonna draw the line? Now, that’s real strength;knowing when to walk away even though you’ve tried and loved with all your heart? What is fucking wrong with me? Do I really need someone to fix me? Or am I just overthinking. That is my firewall actually and I’m not ashamed of it. I mean, that’s how I always get myself out of trouble yeah? Why the fuck on earth am I pretending everything he does or says doesn’t affect me. It fucking does! That piece of shit can brighten my day, like seriously. He’s somewhat boring and Iet aside loving, I don’t even hang around boring people. It is him,definitely. I’m kinda happy that I learned what true selfless love means. I just wished he could see, understand and feel the same for me. Alas, he’s Already loved someone so much, there isn’t enough space for me. Maybe he still does. I think he does. And I’m here pretending to be a fucking badass piece of shit. I want you to know, everything you say or do affects me in a way. I went crazy when you weren’t around. How I wished I was the last one, the one he’d see himself with in the years to come. But, I’m not. He tried to slide it subtly, I was the one who chose to see it. I chose I love him blindly. That’s the only thing I’m good at. If I ever were to kill myself. It wouldn’t be because of anyone. I’m my worst enemy and ill never be good enough no matter what. I tried. I failed for the nth time and I’m exhausted. I’m sorry mum I’m such a fucking failure and a huge disappointment. I wished I was stronger. Sadly, there’s isn’t anyone but me to pick myself up. Cry, you little piece of shit. Cry until you can’t breathe anymore and soaked your pillows and hope to never seeing the sunlight again.

I have a pathetic life. Oh wait, I'm pathetic. Fuck, did I just state that. I just did. I'm an attention seeking little piece of shit. This isn't me. I'm fucking losing myself in the process. I did lose my innocence. Now I'm just common, just like the other whores. Worst of all, I do not regret anything.

What do I call it: an update or an I just feeling a lil bit to philosophical? Here I am, sitting by my window and chasing clouds. It’s kinda fun though. I’d rather be in my room than in a shitty place with shallow people bragging about their money or their fancy life. Fuck yeah, I’m kinda jealous because they have all the material things I cannot afford but I’m loving the simple life; simple and little things about life. The weather’s awesome too, kinda chilly and windy. I wished it would rain though. I have been thinking or overthinking. (whatever you wanna call it) I am a simple girl. I fancy edgy clothes and accessories, but that’s it. I love anything and everything about nature. How I wished I could go to the beach right now with a bonfire (okay, that’s illegal here, let’s make as if I can actually have a bonfire) and a joint, with someone I love. I’ve changed, so much, in a good way though. People and situations helped me to shape myself into the person I am today. True thing I haven’t achieved any of my goals but I think I’m quite happy actually. I’m enjoying all the little things in life. And I’m grateful for whatever I have left. I really am. Peace out motherfuckers.

How pathetic it is to rant about the same thing/person again and again. After months and months, i have an answer to all my questions. All this fucking time i thought i wasn’t enough for you; like i was doing enough but turned out it was never about me, it has always been you Zameer (it’s not like you gonna find this on my tumblr or whatsoever. I still remember the first time i told my friend to pick you up at night and you were already kind of drunk and you talked about your ex dumping you for your best friend and then i remembered you stalking her and being all over the place to know what happened to .her after reading her whats-app status. I thought it was one of your mind games trying to know how ‘we’ would categorize you. I really didn’t pay attention.

Then came a series of incidents where i still chose you play the ‘blind-dumb’ girl. Dumping me when we had to meet every-time, bailing on me on my birthday, when i was in trouble, for the end of year party at work, Christmas and/or new year’s eve. It all makes perfect sense now.

When you used to tell me the problem is with you and not me, i thought you were talking about your depression or your insecurities, turned out i was just an option or should i call it ‘the trophy girlfriend’ People at work who guessed we were dating thought i was the side bitch and this made me feel so bad. You knew yet you did nothing to change that. And the time when you had a migraine? You stole your dad’s van just so you could use me to make it go away (you people know what i mean) How disgusting is that? What about those days when you were checking girls boobs or butt in front of me? that made me feel so bad, like am i not enough for you? What about the time when you told me you were depressed, you just left despite me begging you to tell me what happened? That was shortly after our get-away at Thierry’s. I felt so bad and so fucking depressed i had to smoke the greens so i could find sleep. Do you not realize that? HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU NOT? You’d rather talk to Teynidhi than me and i was still okay with that? Look what i let myself reduced into, a fucking dumb option!

Look, look at now many red flags there were buy i chose to consider none. This isn’t the first time that i’m loving someone stupidly or blindly should i say? but there was something about you Zameer. Every time we kissed, i had butterflies and i could feel my world stop. It’s like i could put aside all of my fucked up problems and be genuinely happy. I have never loved someone so selflessly. i was happy by making or seeing you happy.

You convinced me we’d fight for it, you convinced me at Thierry’s place and you were the one constantly telling me that religion is not a big deal for you. How could you back off mid-way? There were so many things you told me we’d do together or you’d do for me. Those were only plain words cause you are not a man of words, you cannot be trusted. How would i have known i would fall so hard for you. You were talking about meeting ‘the one’, i thought you were the one for me. How am i gonna get through this? Alone? You made me into everything i said i’d never be.

This is my first post of 2016. Well, i haven't seemed to move on. Here i am, listening to Ed Sheeran’s bloodstream. Every time i listen to this song, i imagine myself on a top of a cliff wondering if i should be jumping or not. But i absolutely love it though.

I was happy. After gathering much courage to ditch him and move on, he came back and i fell for his words again. I fall hard every time. I’m tired of ranting about the same stuffs over and over again. I feel lost with all the problems already and he is just adding up to all of these when i told him about everything that’s been happening.

Am i just an accessory? I’m tired of people using me up, using me up as an accessory. I have to much more to give, why can’t people see that? Drinking and smoking doesn’t made me into a bad person. NO, it doesn’t. How much more am i gonna rant about it.

use me up until there’s nothing left in me. take me to a point when i’ll have the courage to kill myself. I should kill myself cause this isn’t my place. These shallow people with no heart drain me up and i can’t. I just can’t anymore.

wildsultrys0ul

Stop blaming yourself for other peoples shitty doings to you. They fucked up. Not you.

Sade Harrison (via written-on-polaroids)

nakedly

I want you to drunk text me. I want you to think about me. Please fucking think about me sometimes because the only thing I do is think about you

(via nakedly)

Maybe I'm the bad one in the end. I just wished you'd just step into my shoes for once, then you'd understand. My past shaped me into who I am. The fights, violence and break downs, I wouldn't want anyone else to experience that. I was just scared that you'd turn into my Dad; I miss you Mum. Maybe I wouldn't be who I am if you'd still be here but I'd still be happy cause you'd still be guiding me. Yes, I'm insecure. Yes, I need attention. That's because no one considered me worthy enough. I was only scared of being left alone, go through all these traumas all alone. It's easy to tell someone to move on cause you've never stepped into their shoes. I know I did wrong but what about all those times when you gave me anxiety, when you made me depressed? Do I need to blame myself for this? Maybe I was the one fucking up since the very beginning. I take the blame, I take it all. How I wished you'd just step into my shoes for once. How I wished I could handle it like strong people do but I'm weak. I'm still too weak. Funny thing is I can't even give up on life. Truth is I want to cause there's nothing left anymore. For once, I thought I'd be happy. Lesson learnt, never put your happiness in someone else's hands. They'll fuck up, they'll fuck up you up, everytime.

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